QueenDafine Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Me and this guy have been in an on and off relationship now for about nine months now and things have been very rocky. So the thing is he lives about nine hours away and I haven't seen him in seven months, so most of our relationship has been long distance. There is so much to explain but I think it's better to save the long bits and keep it short since I'm only having trouble giving him up. So in the last three months we reconnected after a break and since then we've reestablished our feelings for eachother and things have been doing actually really good. The thing is we arent in a "relationship", it's floating in between. We do and say things a couple would do but we haven't confirmed anything. And that's because we live so far away, thats the only reason. So lately I've just become less and less tolerant of things in our "relationship" and I can see the flaws and how it just won't work out between us. I really want it to but I can see that our needs and wants are different and I just can't emotionally deal with being so far away from someone I want to be with. I care very much for him but I can't do something like this. I mean he frustrates me alot too because he hurts me alot without even realizing it, sometimes even on purpose, and he's very selfish and emotionally black mails me alot. So we've been fighting for three days straight now about it. I asked him if he just wanted to leave what we had and he got defensive and that resulted in a huge fight where we said a lot of revealing things that have been boiling under the surface I think.. after that I told him I'm leaving him but we ended up talking the next day because I felt like I didn't want to leave it being so negative.. I didn't change my mind though I was still set on leaving him. I think he thought different though. We talked a bit, it got a little heated but he said he really wanted things to work but wouldn't hold me back if I wanted to leave. I said yup alright I'm going to go then, but he got angry AGAIN probably just to hold me back. I took the bait. He hasn't had wifi all day so he hasn't gotten back to me but I feel like we are just gonna fight again tonight. And the thing is I don't want to leave him but I know I hve to because it just wouldn't be fair on either of us. I just can't find the strength to because he gets upset everytime I try to leave him and I definitely don't want us to finish on a negative note. I'm really not sure on what to do at this moment.. I might have to wait till tonight to see but im just fining it really hard to leave him. I mean I don't even know if ill regret it or not thats the thing.. I try to think about how much he's hurt me and the bad things he's done to me and trust me there's ALOT (part of the reason I have to leave because I don't even trust him anymore) but at the same time losing someone lime that is a big thing to take.
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 So... He emotionally blackmails you You don't trust him He's selfish. He hurts you a lot Yet you still don't want to end it? "On a negative note", what does that even mean? If someone treats you badly, you leave them. It is not necessary to be "positive" or "negative" about it. You just do it. Well if you don't want to be negative then just be neutral. Simply do not talk to him again. That isn't negative or positive, it's totally neutral. Just be ready to ignore and delete the stream of vitriol he will likely send. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 How can you "leave" someone you haven't even physically SEEN in 7 months? This is such a colossal waste of your time. Are you really going to let your REAL life pass you right on by while you waste your time locked in your house, sitting and talking to some guy on Skype? Jeez, that's almost one year you're already wasted that you'll never get back. It's so freakin' pointless. ....im just fining it really hard to leave him. I don't even know if ill regret it or not thats the thing.. Regret what? Finally living an authentic life where you can actually spend time with men - face to face - and actually grow a true relationship with someone, versus some pseudo abusive virtual 'relationship' conducted entirely over Skype and your cell phone??? And more, the guy is a nasty jerk who enjoys treating you like crap because I guess he gets off on it - and he knows you'll STILL stick around no matter how badly he treats you. I guess he sees you as his emotional punching bag and as long as you're going to cling to him like grim death, he'll continue to use you as such. You need to find your pride and self respect. You really do. 2
hippychick3 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Make it a clean break. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks or does. You know you need to end it. Now be a grownup and end it for good for you.
froz Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Yeah I agree with hippychick, the only way forward is to move on and end it otherwise things will continue to get difficult for you. It's really not easy, I've been there before and so have many people on here. You'll get through it in time, stay strong!
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Me and this guy have been in an on and off relationship now for about nine months now and things have been very rocky. So the thing is he lives about nine hours away and I haven't seen him in seven months, so most of our relationship has been long distance. There is so much to explain but I think it's better to save the long bits and keep it short since I'm only having trouble giving him up. So in the last three months we reconnected after a break and since then we've reestablished our feelings for eachother and things have been doing actually really good. The thing is we arent in a "relationship", it's floating in between. We do and say things a couple would do but we haven't confirmed anything. And that's because we live so far away, thats the only reason. So lately I've just become less and less tolerant of things in our "relationship" and I can see the flaws and how it just won't work out between us. I really want it to but I can see that our needs and wants are different and I just can't emotionally deal with being so far away from someone I want to be with. I care very much for him but I can't do something like this. I mean he frustrates me alot too because he hurts me alot without even realizing it, sometimes even on purpose, and he's very selfish and emotionally black mails me alot. So we've been fighting for three days straight now about it. I asked him if he just wanted to leave what we had and he got defensive and that resulted in a huge fight where we said a lot of revealing things that have been boiling under the surface I think.. after that I told him I'm leaving him but we ended up talking the next day because I felt like I didn't want to leave it being so negative.. I didn't change my mind though I was still set on leaving him. I think he thought different though. We talked a bit, it got a little heated but he said he really wanted things to work but wouldn't hold me back if I wanted to leave. I said yup alright I'm going to go then, but he got angry AGAIN probably just to hold me back. I took the bait. He hasn't had wifi all day so he hasn't gotten back to me but I feel like we are just gonna fight again tonight. And the thing is I don't want to leave him but I know I hve to because it just wouldn't be fair on either of us. I just can't find the strength to because he gets upset everytime I try to leave him and I definitely don't want us to finish on a negative note. I'm really not sure on what to do at this moment.. I might have to wait till tonight to see but im just fining it really hard to leave him. I mean I don't even know if ill regret it or not thats the thing.. I try to think about how much he's hurt me and the bad things he's done to me and trust me there's ALOT (part of the reason I have to leave because I don't even trust him anymore) but at the same time losing someone lime that is a big thing to take. You can't leave something that doesn't exist. There is no "relationship". He wants to "keep" you around for when it's convenient to have sex with someone when the local girls aren't available.
Httm Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 There is no such thing as an off and on again relationship. If there are breakups, then the writing was on the wall from number 1. LDR are fantasy based. Find someone near you that can have a REAL relationship rather than fantasy. 1
Author QueenDafine Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I understand what most of you are saying I guess.. the thing is I feel like I'll be throwing so much away after I've put so much into us. And most of it was because we were working towards seeing eachother and I am in two months. I'm visiting his town for a month and staying with a friend who lives there. The lb after that he's moving to my city because he got a job here. We've made so many plans I guess that's what's holding me back because I know how amazing it was when I did see him. And you know I'll be regretting it if I never even try and see what could happen and work. And of course I care if I leave this in a negative way, where we've fought and then just left. He's not just some guy he's also been my best friend. But yeah I know most of the negatives outweigh the positives so that's what I'm looking at right now. I know it's best to leave it's a matter of having the strength to
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I understand what most of you are saying I guess.. the thing is I feel like I'll be throwing so much away after I've put so much into us. You throw nothing away when your effort has been futile. Think of it this way; once you've had the chocolate bar, why keep the wrapper? And most of it was because we were working towards seeing eachother and I am in two months. I'm visiting his town for a month and staying with a friend who lives there. Do yourself a H-U-G-E favour and cancel. Don't throw good money after bad, when all you're doing is hoping... The lb after that he's moving to my city because he got a job here. We've made so many plans I guess that's what's holding me back because I know how amazing it was when I did see him. And you know I'll be regretting it if I never even try and see what could happen and work. And of course I care if I leave this in a negative way, where we've fought and then just left. He's not just some guy he's also been my best friend. But yeah I know most of the negatives outweigh the positives so that's what I'm looking at right now. I know it's best to leave it's a matter of having the strength to That's because you're pinning your hopes to a habit. You need to break the habit. The only one who can do that, is you. It's just so unrewarding, isn't it? 1
Author QueenDafine Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I'm not going to his town to see him, I'm going to see my friend who is staying in hospital and also some family that lives there. And besides, why only have the wrapper when I haven't even finished the rest of the chocolate..
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I'm not going to his town to see him, I'm going to see my friend who is staying in hospital and also some family that lives there. And besides, why only have the wrapper when I haven't even finished the rest of the chocolate.. because too much chocolate makes you sick. Look: You're asking advice and we've told you it's best to leave. You've even agreed it's best to leave. The only thing you're finding hard, is actually 'doing it'. I suspect you haven't even tried. So just Do It.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 You need boundaries, OP. Somewhere. For yourself. This guy isn't even your boyfriend. You have spent more time apart than together and it sounds unhappy and toxic. I think you're projecting what you're hoping for onto him and not dealing in reality, really. Have you dated much offline? Because I think you need a better barometre of what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. This isn't it. Not by a long shot. And as others have said, there's nothing to "leave" because there's no relationship. Getting so invested in something that is so flimsy and unhealthy says more about you than anything else. Don't you think you deserve more? I guess not.
Redhead14 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I understand what most of you are saying I guess.. the thing is I feel like I'll be throwing so much away after I've put so much into us. And most of it was because we were working towards seeing eachother and I am in two months. I'm visiting his town for a month and staying with a friend who lives there. The lb after that he's moving to my city because he got a job here. We've made so many plans I guess that's what's holding me back because I know how amazing it was when I did see him. And you know I'll be regretting it if I never even try and see what could happen and work. And of course I care if I leave this in a negative way, where we've fought and then just left. He's not just some guy he's also been my best friend. But yeah I know most of the negatives outweigh the positives so that's what I'm looking at right now. I know it's best to leave it's a matter of having the strength to "after I've put so much into us" -- If you have been doing most of the work, it's a one-sided 'relationship'. You're hanging on and stringing yourself along. Nine months is a drop in the bucket in terms of a relationship but it is the period for some heavy evaluation and deciding whether it's going to work for the longer term. And, it's been on and off, so really, it's less than 9 months of steadiness. Depending on how long and how often you've been "off", that time frame is reduced to 5 - 6 months maybe? I'm guessing of course. Strength to leave him? -- Your strength should come from valuing yourself and your happiness for the future. There isn't one thing you've said that is positive about this guy in terms of being a good partner for you. You're going to see him in 2 months???? -- Come on. He's not making any effort. Why would you want a man who doesn't put anything into a relationship. You can't leave "the man you want him to be", not the man he is.
kendahke Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) Leaving someone is easy. You do it, it's done. Making the decision to leave is what is hard. You refuse to decide, hence this being what it currently is. Edited October 30, 2015 by kendahke
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