Hopeless1984 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Hi all, I'm new here. First post ever. I'm hoping to get some help because I am feeling so frustrated. I have attended the same church since I was 15. It is where I first met the lord and fell in love with him. I was saved and baptized there when I was 15 in 2001. I was raised in this church and so was this married man that I am posting about. I've known him since I was 10 and I've loved him from day one. Before I even knew what love was. We have never dated but I could never shake these feelings. I have been with other guys but my feelings for him have never gone. He just recently got married and soon after that was ordained the deacon of our church. I don't feel right about having feelings for him anymore and I pray for them to go away but they don't. I shake when he's near me, I try to stop staring and thinking about him but I can't. I would never want to break up a marriage and I know he's a man of God and would never cheat so my feelings are totally irrelevant. I wish there was a way I could stop feeling this way. I know it's a sin to fancy a married man but to be fair, I loved him before he was married. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my church.
Author Hopeless1984 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 You need professional help. Run. Don't walk. That bad??
LoverOfDance Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 You should be 29 now. You mean u've had feelings for him for 19 years??? How did this happen? Do u guys talk? Are u good friends?
Author Hopeless1984 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 You should be 29 now. You mean u've had feelings for him for 19 years??? How did this happen? Do u guys talk? Are u good friends? Uh, I'm 31 actually. Yes we are friends. We've been friends since we were kids.
neowulf Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Hi all, I'm new here. First post ever. I'm hoping to get some help because I am feeling so frustrated. I have attended the same church since I was 15. It is where I first met the lord and fell in love with him. I was saved and baptized there when I was 15 in 2001. I was raised in this church and so was this married man that I am posting about. I've known him since I was 10 and I've loved him from day one. Before I even knew what love was. We have never dated but I could never shake these feelings. I have been with other guys but my feelings for him have never gone. He just recently got married and soon after that was ordained the deacon of our church. I don't feel right about having feelings for him anymore and I pray for them to go away but they don't. I shake when he's near me, I try to stop staring and thinking about him but I can't. I would never want to break up a marriage and I know he's a man of God and would never cheat so my feelings are totally irrelevant. I wish there was a way I could stop feeling this way. I know it's a sin to fancy a married man but to be fair, I loved him before he was married. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my church. I always find stories like yours to be deeply sad, because ultimately, the heart wants what it wants. That said, I'm afraid you're going to have to make some hard decisions moving forward. If you really can't get past your feelings for this man, the only thing to is walk away. Yes, that will mean leaving your church. Yes, that is a sad and unfortunate thing to have to do. But it is either that, or risk eventually either at best, ruining your friendship with this man, or b) break up his marriage. May I ask why you didn't do anything about these feelings before he became married? 3
almond Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I can appreciate that you do not want to leave your church, but I think that's the way forward for you. Being in love with this man is holding you back in many ways. You're 31 - it's time to move past this, and to engage fully in your life without this constant distraction holding you back. Moving to a different church will be hard, but it will be more than worth it. You're obviously distressed about this, and you need to put distance between yourself and this man to be able to move on. Sometimes the things we need to do aren't easy. The difficult emotions that you will experience over leaving your church will be nothing compared to the pain and confusion that you will experience by staying any longer. 4
Author Hopeless1984 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I always find stories like yours to be deeply sad, because ultimately, the heart wants what it wants. That said, I'm afraid you're going to have to make some hard decisions moving forward. If you really can't get past your feelings for this man, the only thing to is walk away. Yes, that will mean leaving your church. Yes, that is a sad and unfortunate thing to have to do. But it is either that, or risk eventually either at best, ruining your friendship with this man, or b) break up his marriage. May I ask why you didn't do anything about these feelings before he became married? Well, you see, I did try. I told him how I felt and he didn't feel the same. It took a lot (and I mean A LOT! I'm an extremely shy person) to tell him how I felt. But I did. And he brushed it off. It hurt really bad, and from then on I promised myself I'd get over him, but I never did. I have a boyfriend now so it's not like I'm shutting out other guys. It's just that my love for him won't fade. But if it's real love, love isn't supposed to fade. Is it?
kpl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Well, you see, I did try. I told him how I felt and he didn't feel the same. It took a lot (and I mean A LOT! I'm an extremely shy person) to tell him how I felt. But I did. And he brushed it off. It hurt really bad, and from then on I promised myself I'd get over him, but I never did. I have a boyfriend now so it's not like I'm shutting out other guys. It's just that my love for him won't fade. But if it's real love, love isn't supposed to fade. Is it? This isn't real love it's obsessive. And you are emotionally unavailable to your boyfriend. Something else is going on here. You are doing a disservice to your bf by staying with him. This guy is not that special. The minute this guy said he wasn't interested you should have made more of an effort to move on, but you are still holding on to this fantasy. How is your relationship with your boyfriend, the real relationship? 5
Author Hopeless1984 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 This isn't real love it's obsessive. And you are emotionally unavailable to your boyfriend. Something else is going on here. You are doing a disservice to your bf by staying with him. This guy is not that special. The minute this guy said he wasn't interested you should have made more of an effort to move on, but you are still holding on to this fantasy. How is your relationship with your boyfriend, the real relationship? Truthfully? He's amazing! He treats me like no man has ever treated me. He'd bend over backwards if I asked him to. I like him. I really do. I just don't know why I still have love for church guy. I know I have no shot. I don't even want a shot anymore.
kpl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Truthfully? He's amazing! He treats me like no man has ever treated me. He'd bend over backwards if I asked him to. I like him. I really do. I just don't know why I still have love for church guy. I know I have no shot. I don't even want a shot anymore. I would seek counseling to dig a little deeper about why you are fixated on him. 2
LoverOfDance Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Girl, 21 years is a long time to have feelings for someone especially someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. However, I do understand what you're going through because we are quite similar. I liked my very first crush for 6 years and my feelings only went away when life separated us (Thank God, lol). I went to high school and I have no idea where he went, lol. After grade 6, I never saw or heard from him again. Right now, I have feelings for a man who is in a long term relationship (he's been with his gf for 14 years). When I fell for him, I didn't know they were together. I just had this strong feeling in me that he and I would be together. I eventually found out that he was with the girl who I had initially thought was just his business partner. I ended up telling him how I felt because I felt that if he rejected me, it would help me move on. After I told him, he chose to stay with his girl. However, for a few months after I confessed he treated me really nicely. He would hug me and gently brush my hair off my face. He would ask me if I needed his help with stuff. He would compliment me on my looks and tell me I smelled nice. Till this day, he still compliments my looks and tells me I smell nice, lol. He does other things too but I won't finish if I keep talking about them. The point is that just like you, I haven't been able to move on from the guy who didn't choose me. I have had feelings for him for over four years. I've tried to avoid him but it's been almost impossible because we work in the same industry. I just want to let you know that you're not alone and that sometimes these things just happen. You're not crazy and there's nothing wrong with you. I use to feel this way after trying for years to get over him. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just let things be. Don't chase him. And if you can avoid him, please do. It'll definitely be for your own good. If you can't however, just leave things alone. Don't do anything. Just live your life. Chase your dreams. Just live. It happens sometimes. Sometimes there are just some ppl we can't get over no matter how hard we try. Just let things be what they are. I believe things like this happen for a reason. Just leave it be and live your life. You'll be fine :-)
kendahke Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Hi all, I'm new here. First post ever. I'm hoping to get some help because I am feeling so frustrated. I have attended the same church since I was 15. It is where I first met the lord and fell in love with him. I was saved and baptized there when I was 15 in 2001. I was raised in this church and so was this married man that I am posting about. I've known him since I was 10 and I've loved him from day one. Before I even knew what love was. We have never dated but I could never shake these feelings. I have been with other guys but my feelings for him have never gone. He just recently got married and soon after that was ordained the deacon of our church. I don't feel right about having feelings for him anymore and I pray for them to go away but they don't. I shake when he's near me, I try to stop staring and thinking about him but I can't. I would never want to break up a marriage and I know he's a man of God and would never cheat so my feelings are totally irrelevant. I wish there was a way I could stop feeling this way. I know it's a sin to fancy a married man but to be fair, I loved him before he was married. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my church. You need to go talk to your pastor.
BLND Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 But I don't get it. If you've known him for so long now come you never dated when he was single and available? It's kinda too late now.
Author Hopeless1984 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 But I don't get it. If you've known him for so long now come you never dated when he was single and available? It's kinda too late now. I told him how I felt but he never felt the same. I knew he didn't but I told him anyway thinking it would help me move on. It did not. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy and I don't know anyone else I can say that about.
BLND Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I told him how I felt but he never felt the same. I knew he didn't but I told him anyway thinking it would help me move on. It did not. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy and I don't know anyone else I can say that about. He can't be everything you've wanted in a guy since he's married. I'm sure the guy you ultimately want can't be married. If he told you he doesn't feel the same way, that should be enough to force you to move on. Men rarely change their mind in that sense. If he didn't want you right then and there, doubt there will ever be something that would make him change his mind. If all of this isn't the biggest push you need to move on then you might just need to go to therapy. 3
SoulCat Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Truthfully? He's amazing! He treats me like no man has ever treated me. He'd bend over backwards if I asked him to. I like him. I really do. If 'liking' your boyfriend is the extend of your feelings for him, you need to let him go. So he can find someone who loves him. 2
neowulf Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I told him how I felt but he never felt the same. I knew he didn't but I told him anyway thinking it would help me move on. It did not. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy and I don't know anyone else I can say that about. I stand with my original advice. If you can't get over this man (for whatever reason), then you need to remove him from your life. The fact that you're attempting to build a relationship with another man, while having these feelings in your heart makes it even more difficult. You need to cut this man out of your life if you ever hope to move forward. 1
LoverOfDance Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 @hopeless1984 Don't say things like "he is everything you've ever wanted in a guy". U're making it difficult for yourself to move on. He is not your ideal man. Your ideal man wouldn't hurt you like that - whether intentionally or unintentionally. Your ideal man would have reciprocated your feelings. Your ideal man would have wanted you too. Your ideal man wouldn't have married someone else. He would have married you. He is not the one. You need to understand and accept this.
Author Hopeless1984 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 @hopeless1984 Don't say things like "he is everything you've ever wanted in a guy". U're making it difficult for yourself to move on. He is not your ideal man. Your ideal man wouldn't hurt you like that - whether intentionally or unintentionally. Your ideal man would have reciprocated your feelings. Your ideal man would have wanted you too. Your ideal man wouldn't have married someone else. He would have married you. He is not the one. You need to understand and accept this. Yes, I have thought about that and felt that way also. I get angry at him thinking of how many times I've cried or felt like a reject because of him. But then I realize it isn't his fault that he doesn't feel a certain way about me. We don't chose who we do or do not love. The man in with now makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy. I love him and I wouldn't ever want to lose him. He's "the one" and I know he is. But my stupid heart/brain or whatever it is won't let me forget church guy
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