jess_n Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Current background: My boyfriend asked for an open relationship (we live in different continents) and after much thought I decided to agree. Anyway, I was agonising over that decision when I met this other guy (let's call him B) from local sports games. Thought he was interested since he touched my shoulder/back a few times in the first after game pub session (he doesn't drink so not a drunk thing), got my number from a mutual friend, and texted about playing another game, right before I meet up with my boyfriend who is visiting with his family in another city. Turned out game wasn't on because it was a holiday, but we still practiced, just the two of us, chatting about pretty much everything. Told him the reason I was leaving town, his response was actually rather enthusiastic "oh that's awesome! (that he's/they're visiting)". I was not feeling that great about the visit because of the whole decision thing, but I had a really good time with B regardless, and in the end I actually thought "this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship". While I was away I agreed with my bf to give the open relationship a try, but when I was back I was so agitated that I texted B to ask if there's another game the next evening, and told him I need to play to clear my mind. We exchanged a few rather nice texts (nothing seedy). He casually asked how the trip was the next evening (I get the gut feeling he was trying to figure out what's going on), and I brushed it away by just saying it's good, and talked briefly about my bf's family, because I wasn't sure what else to talk about that trip without revealing too much about my situation. After that I just feel as if he's not as forthcoming as before, e.g. not really responding to text messages, which is completely understandable, but at the same time I really like him and like hanging out with him. On the flip side, I could totally be reading far too much into things. Truth be told, if I were single I might have ended up dating him (if he were indeed interested). On the other hand, if my bf never mentioned about open relationship I probably would've friend-zoned him to death and back (for obvious reasons). I've been thinking about whether I should subtly/outright tell him about my situation, as the open relationship means I could potentially have more than just buddy-buddy stuff with B (which I'd like to be frank)...could backfire spectacularly though, especially if he's not actually interested, or if he feels indignant. I'd risk losing someone amazing to hang out with. Part of me doesn't want to involve him in a sticky situation because he's a genuinely nice guy that deserves a real relationship, but another part of me (given this freedom in open relationships) wants to have fun with him. So if you've made it this far: 1) how would you react/what would you do if the girl you're interested in is in an open relationship? and 2) is this guy interested, or should I just wait and see?
almond Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Does your open relationship allow for just sex with others, or dates and emotional attachment also? That will play a huge part in your decision making here. Do you think you'll be able to have sex with this man without developing feelings? If you want to go ahead with things, just casually mention next time you're with him that you and your boyfriend have agreed to an open relationship. Flirt with him a little. He'll soon get the message, and his responses and reactions will give you your answer as to whether or not he is interested. If you're not comfortable with this arrangement with your boyfriend, end it. Don't put yourself through months of mental anguish just to hold on to someone that isn't right for you. Not to be a downer, but seeing as though you've had such a hard time agreeing to it, it's likely that it will cause problems for you. Just be mindful of this, and look after yourself first and foremost. Good luck.
Author jess_n Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I don't want to end it with my bf as we really did (and still do) have a really good relationship before I relocated to the other side of the Atlantic, and I can actually see why he suggested it from a biological pov. It wasn't an easy decision for him either and it was down to the fact that I'm not sure how long I will be away for and he's not flexible in terms of relocating with me for the next few years. He would never have considered an open relationship if we're physically together, which I suppose really indicates that neither of us are 'built' for open relationships. I've set rules for him (just sex etc.), but he never told me what his limits are, except that he doesn't want to know when I've done it (whereas I wanted to know). My bf can separate sex and emotions, I'm sure of that. As for me it's hard because 1) I was brought up in a traditional household, and 2) I still have confidence issues (even though I know I shouldn't). So for now to 'start' I need something with a bit more connection to be able to do it, but at the end of the day I don't want to hurt anyone. It all sounds so simple, like I should just break up with my bf and go free agent, but it really is a lot tougher than that when you love someone...
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Goodness, you must have rocks in your head to agree to an open long-distance relationship. Worst idea ever. What you are doing with the new guy is not "open relationship". An open relationship means you have feelings and a relationship with one person, but have meaningless, casual sex with others. It does not mean you pursue, date and form relationships with others! If I were you I'd end it with your BF and go out with the new guy instead. His interest dropped when you talked about your BF so I'm sure it will re-appear as soon as you tell him you've ended it with your BF. it really is a lot tougher than that when you love someone... Yes but you love someone who wants to have sex with other girls. Is that what you imagined your future husband would be like, when you were little? Is that what your mum imagines when she thinks of her daughter? If you had a daughter, would you want her involved with that kind of relationship? What would you advise her to do?
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