hopeful26 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I'm 35, no kids, girlfriend is 26, no kids. I'm working full time, good job, house, etc, she goes to school full time (beginning pharmacy school) and works part time. We've been dating 4 years. She moved in to my house a couple years ago. She moved out unexpectedly last Friday. She told me on my birthday that she'd signed a 6 month lease somewhere else (ouch)...so she isn't coming back for at least that long. It was awful having her friends here helping her pack, then helping them load up the U-Haul on Saturday and watching them all drive away. Empty house. This same exact thing happened a while back (maybe 1 1/2 years ago). The first time after some time apart we met back up, she hated the place she lived, and back she came. We both made mistakes while apart. It felt good to be back. We were good for a long time, but now it's happened again. Part of me wants to help her get settled in her new place but part of me wants to let her realize what she's missing, but the reason she left is that I ignored her. So, if I don't do something she'll probably assume she made the right choice, but I also need to give her space...argh. I would say I was 75% of the problem, though, which is why I'm unsure what to do. I always thought the relationship was good. We had ups and downs like anyone but overall good. We have similar goals, similar lifestyles, no major red flags. She mentioned recently, while mad, that the relationship has been sh*t ever since the honeymoon stage. I disagree. However, it was stale. I was complacent as all hell, ignoring the relationship, never really listening to anything she said. But I never leave the toilet seat up and always take out the trash! Ha. We had our routine. Zero sexual desire on my part, she got tired of being rejected when she would approach me. I paid virtually zero attention to her. I kept telling myself our relationship was beyond the romantic BS, that everything was fine, I basically just assumed she'd be there no matter what with zero concern for her feelings. Classic example of guy wakes up after girl leaves. She tried to talk to me about, tried to get me to go to counseling; I went once and forgot the rest of the times. Basically I didn't believe she'd ever leave. Then she did. Again. I could go on and on but the reason I'm here is to ask for an outside perspective on my behavior. This has happened twice. Both times for the same reason: I pay attention to her in the beginning but then after a while just sit back and expect things to work without much effort on my part. She hasn't written me off yet, I've been to her new place a few times, but it's a very awkward time because neither of us want to break up (unless she's just being nice) but she's clearly skeptical of anything nice I do and I don't blame her...but I love her. I'm not showering her with attention, she has her space and all, but when we're together now it's VERY obvious that she's pulled back a lot, and I'm just sitting there wishing we were good. Why the f*ck do I get so complacent and assume she'll stay if I put no effort into the relationship? Should I expect any girl to stick around when we act like roommates together? No! I never cheated on her, I don't want another girl, I just kinda...don't put in any effort...then I get heartbroken and cry when she leaves.
kpl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Why the f*ck do I get so complacent and assume she'll stay if I put no effort into the relationship? Should I expect any girl to stick around when we act like roommates together? No! I never cheated on her, I don't want another girl, I just kinda...don't put in any effort...then I get heartbroken and cry when she leaves. You tell us? If you don't like hearing what she has to say or think why do you love her?
Author hopeful26 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 You tell us? If you don't like hearing what she has to say or think why do you love her? I love her because she's...pick an adjective...adventurous, intelligent, driven, low maintenance, the list goes on. She complements my life. Just two days ago she said, "Everyone knows we're meant to be together" and I couldn't agree more. She puts me at ease. It's almost like I'm subconsciously playing a game; once I win her affection I relax, then I lose it and it's time to quit relaxing! I don't like that feeling... I understand that at this point I can't do much about us. She'll either come back or she won't. I'm just concerned that I remember this awful feeling, don't repeat the behavior, and this doesn't happen again (with her or anyone else). I'm too old for this! By 35 I wanted to be happily married...and stuff. Man if we had gotten married and she walked out (similar thing happened with my ex-wife who walked out when I was 26, hence the username) I would just give up. I'm tired of being walked out on. Too scared to get married...for fear of being walked out on! LOL <--Not actually laughing. At least this time I don't lose my house. Apparently too scared to pay attention to a girlfriend either. Sorry, rambling here. Thanks for replying. It helps to reflect here.
kpl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I think you need to do some more internal reflection and make an effort to work on yourself. I would honestly suggest therapy to figure out why you don't want to put in the effort in relationships. Its a answer that we all probably couldn't answer for you. This is a pattern so you can either deal with it now or later in your next relationship but no one wants to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't feel heard of special.
neowulf Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Personally, I think you need to get some professional help with this, if you're ever hoping to have a long term relationship. Off the cuff, it almost seems like a form of commitment phobia. You basically crave your girlfriend, yet as soon as you get her, any interest in maintaining the relationship falls away. There's something deeper going on here. Personally, I don't think you love her. Sure, you might be fond of her, like her around, think some great things about her. But love isn't any of those things. Love is considering her needs like you'd consider your own. The fact you neglect her this badly tells me that deep down either you a) don't really care as much as you think you do or b) you're sabotarging yourself from taking the relationship any further. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Personally, I think you need to get some professional help with this, if you're ever hoping to have a long term relationship. Off the cuff, it almost seems like a form of commitment phobia. You basically crave your girlfriend, yet as soon as you get her, any interest in maintaining the relationship falls away. There's something deeper going on here. Personally, I don't think you love her. Sure, you might be fond of her, like her around, think some great things about her. But love isn't any of those things. Love is considering her needs like you'd consider your own. The fact you neglect her this badly tells me that deep down either you a) don't really care as much as you think you do or b) you're sabotarging yourself from taking the relationship any further. This. OP, I don't think you love her either. She's tired of your games and no sane woman would stick around with a man who pushes her away like that. She's not getting anything from this relationship so it's pointless to continue it. Basically, you snooze - you lose. Don't try to rebuild this until you address your own deeper problems, Or it will just happen again and again and that's really not fair to her. Let her go. If you seek real help for this, you could maybe consider reconciliation in the future. But if I were her, I'd be done too. 1
Omei Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 You felt your relationship was passed the romantic bs? Think like that all of them will fail you cant stop trying just because you're now comfortable. 1
SammySammy Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I think you need to spend some time alone. Reflecting. Figuring out what you really want for your life. Seriously. What's the point of having a woman around that you ignore? That you don't have sex with? If you really love her, it might be a good idea to let her go if you're not willing to do what it takes to maintain the relationship. You can't treat a dog that way. Bring a dog home, be nice to it at first ... and then stop feeding it. That dog is going to die or run away. You can't treat your car that way. Try putting gas in your car just one time. Or not maintaining the car properly. At some point, you're going to be one sitting-on-side-of-the-road-with-an-inoperable-car dude. Anything you love has to be maintained. Pets. Car. House. Friendships. Romantic relationships should go without saying. They are probably the most difficult to maintain, but, if we want to keep them, the most necessary. Take some time to figure why you do what you do. We can't possibly know. Then decide what you're capable and willing to do about it. Until then, don't keep this girl hanging. To do so would be cruel in my opinion. 3
Siquijor Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I think you can't bring yourself to admit that it's time to go your separate ways and there could be several reasons behind this with it most likely being based on fear.
salparadise Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Zero sexual desire on my part, she got tired of being rejected when she would approach me. I paid virtually zero attention to her. I kept telling myself our relationship was beyond the romantic BS Dude, you must've slept through class on the first day of RSP 101. Attention is like putting gas in the car. If you don't, it's going to die - it's a question of when not if. And as far as sex goes... if you're not interested in phukking her someone else will. Even if she's the one who's saying no, she still needs you to be acting like you're dying for some. Attention and desire- come up short on these and it's over, imho. Why does it matter to you if she leaves? If you don't care to interact, and you don't want to bang... if you can do laundry and make a sandwich, you're good, right? 1
Zippy2000 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 .Why the f*ck do I get so complacent and assume she'll stay if I put no effort into the relationship? Should I expect any girl to stick around when we act like roommates together? No! I never cheated on her, I don't want another girl, I just kinda...don't put in any effort...then I get heartbroken and cry when she leaves. You took her for granted. Relationships take work and lots of it. Face it. This is the first step in her leaving you is by moving out.
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