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How do I learn to read guys better so I can "offline date" without so much failure??

abby_tx

By abby_tx
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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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This summer I decided to sign up for more hobbies to meet new people. Though I'm shy and online dating makes it way easier to ask someone out, I have had really bad luck with it. I don't have chemistry with any of the guys I meet and it seems like such a waste of time/energy.

 

I joined coed sports team and one of the guys on my team was really nice and seemed to like me. When the topic came up of how he joined the team he said, "A girl I know." He didn't call her a girlfriend. At one point he said, "We should hang out after this is over" which I took as a good sign he wanted to still see me when our league was over for the year. Then Monday night he asked me, "Do you know anyone in _____? I'm thinking of driving up there for the weekend. Want to come?" I was taken aback. Everyone else from the team was sitting with us, but he only asked me. I couldn't answer him yes or no. Later I got his number from a friend (since it was our last meet and I'd never see him again). I know that's probably creepy. I decided to live a little since I'm usually so safe and text, "I'll come with you!" He replies that I can, but I'll have to find a place to stay since his girlfriend's place is too small....

 

wtf. Girlfriend? And what did you invite me? I wanted to fake like I knew he had a gf all along and not act disappointed so I said, "yeah, I've got a friend to hang out with. we're doing ____." He said he'd let me know for sure if they were going. Anyway, obviouvsly there's no way I'm going with him on this weekend trip. In fact, I will never reply to his texts again (if he texts which I doubt).

 

I went on a HUGE limb getting his number and saying I'd come with him on the trip. It's so out of character and I only did it because I thought it was a guaranteed thing. How do I avoid this in the future? How do you know a guy is actually interested in you?

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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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I should have made a catchier title. :p

Lansing Established Member

Lansing

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Wow, surprised at the GF thing at the end. Didn't see it going there...

 

Wow... Maybe he just liked you as a friend but he still should have said "my gf and I are going to such and such, think you guys would get along well" or whatever... and that such and such shouldn't be a city that requires a sleep over!

 

I think you are doing the right thing. I also prefer to meet girls in real life. Lately, I unfortunately haven't had many dates with this method but I still like going out and doing stuff regardless. My advice would just be friendly with people and talk to all kinds of people not just guys that you would want to date.

Guyouthere Established Member

Guyouthere

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when I am interested in a woman, there will be no doubt she knows it.

 

I will dress in all black and stand outside her window all night with binoculars and red laser lights in hand. I might hide in the bushes too. In any case, I would choose a dark location.

 

har har har ;)

 

Seriously though,,,, I would ask her out, and do so directly. If it is online, I would start a friendship and see how interested she is in responding.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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IMO, unless the dating pool is skewed to an excess of women, no need to do anything other than putting yourself out there and socializing. Men know how to approach women. Sure, you'll get married ones and ones with girlfriends hitting on you or being friendly. That's part of the deal. There are no guarantees. The only other suggestion I've got is dating adjunct to one's social circle, like friends of friends type stuff, where relationship status is somewhat pre-screened but the person isn't in your direct circle of friends.

 

I'm sure for some people it's easy but I personally never found anything, never, at all easy about getting dates with demonstrably single people IRL. It was horrific. Normal? I hope not!

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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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IMO, unless the dating pool is skewed to an excess of women, no need to do anything other than putting yourself out there and socializing. Men know how to approach women. Sure, you'll get married ones and ones with girlfriends hitting on you or being friendly. That's part of the deal. There are no guarantees. The only other suggestion I've got is dating adjunct to one's social circle, like friends of friends type stuff, where relationship status is somewhat pre-screened but the person isn't in your direct circle of friends.

 

I'm sure for some people it's easy but I personally never found anything, never, at all easy about getting dates with demonstrably single people IRL. It was horrific. Normal? I hope not!

 

So as a woman I should just sit back and let the guys come to me? It's really hard to be okay with sitting back.

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

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Don't be so dismissive of him. He may have some interest in you but right now he has a gf.

 

What find you guys talk about. I'm thinking if you asked him what he did or what his plans were over the weekend he would have said he and his gf were doing xxx.

 

You could have just come out and asked him out.....why didn't you? He could have been available when you first met him.

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

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So as a woman I should just sit back and let the guys come to me? It's really hard to be okay with sitting back.

 

What he is saying is so antiquated.

 

If you are interested in someone show it..but font be too subtle it would be hard to tell.

h0000 Established Member

h0000

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Don't be so dismissive of him. He may have some interest in you but right now he has a gf.

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lol how does this make things better?

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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I'd say that guy was being inappropriate. If he in fact is not single he should not even ask you to hang out.

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Jejangles Established Member

Jejangles

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Hmm, you are going to get some rejection, even if you do a better job of reading the signs. This guy was a little weird though, I don't think I would be thrilled with him if I were his girlfriend! But here's the clues, in retrospect, that you should have paid attention to.

 

- He asked if you wanted to "hang out". If he had followed this up with a real date request, I would let it slide, but overall be wary of guys who suggest "hanging".

 

- He didn't ask for your contact details - a guy who is interested will usually make sure he gets your information. Now it doesn't have to all be on him, after he said "we should hang" you could have said "that sounds fun, here's my number" and then wait for him to contact you. That gives you some control but still allows him to make first contact.

 

The reality is, you will still get burned even if you meet guys "in real life". I had a neighbour who I chatted to in the hall occasionally, then one day had a longer conversation with. Next thing I knew he had stuck a note to my door with his contact details, he texted on and off for a few weeks, we went for a walk, the next time he invited me over and "things happened" then I never heard from him other than awkward run ins in the hall until he texted a few months later to say he was now dating someone. I was completely confused the whole time all this went on as to what was going on!

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oberkeat Established Member

oberkeat

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I'd say that guy was being inappropriate. If he in fact is not single he should not even ask you to hang out.

 

Agreed. His behavior is downright odd. Why the heck would he ask her to hang out when he already has a gf? I wonder how his gf would feel about that. I'd have stopped talking to him after that.

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One_Made_of_Silver Established Member

One_Made_of_Silver

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I'm sure for some people it's easy but I personally never found anything, never, at all easy about getting dates with demonstrably single people IRL. It was horrific. Normal? I hope not!

 

This is a very good point. I'm terrible at approaching women IRL. It's just not a skill I've been able to develop. I'd say 80 percent of my dates the last few years have been girls I met online. Don't want to change OP's topic, so I'll start another thread on this.

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Missedsignals New Member

Missedsignals

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Agreed. His behavior is downright odd. Why the heck would he ask her to hang out when he already has a gf? I wonder how his gf would feel about that. I'd have stopped talking to him after that.

 

I had something similar happen. Met a guy at a cafe, we talked for an hour and exchanged info.

 

We went on an all day outing with him alone. Lunch, 2 museums, a tour of his work and an then tea and dessert. It was like 5 or 6 hours.

 

Then some photographer wanted to do a street style photo with us and encouraged us to get cozy and he was like "that is uncomfortable, I have a girlfriend."

 

I was like WTF? That is a really long time to hang out with a girl you met at a coffee shop. A few months later I was out with a friend and ran into him with his girlfriend. My friend was like oh that guy!

 

Some guys are sketchy. It is so hard to tell.

lino Established Member

lino

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How do I avoid this in the future? How do you know a guy is actually interested in you?

 

It's not possible to avoid. This is how risk taking in this realm of life is done.

 

You put yourself out there for people, like you did in this instance, and the outcome is either positive or negative.

 

Society expects men to constantly put themselves on this HUGE limb ...Now perhaps you can understand life for 80% of men in English speaking countries.

 

You have to deal with it like the rest of us have and keep pushing on... Or you can go back to receiving 20+ messages a day on online dating and bask in the attention.

 

I will give the same excellent words of encouragement willingly thrown at the struggling men on this message board all the time: 'man up' :rolleyes:

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lino Established Member

lino

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I had something similar happen. Met a guy at a cafe, we talked for an hour and exchanged info.

 

We went on an all day outing with him alone. Lunch, 2 museums, a tour of his work and an then tea and dessert. It was like 5 or 6 hours.

 

Then some photographer wanted to do a street style photo with us and encouraged us to get cozy and he was like "that is uncomfortable, I have a girlfriend."

 

I was like WTF? That is a really long time to hang out with a girl you met at a coffee shop. A few months later I was out with a friend and ran into him with his girlfriend. My friend was like oh that guy!

 

Some guys are sketchy. It is so hard to tell.

 

Women with partners regularly flirt and even go on dates with men (at the man's expense of course) and then use the loop hole 'We're just friends though, I have a boyfriend/husband'

 

You now know how it feels.

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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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I'm glad I'm not the only one who found his behavior off. So I shouldnt feel so bad about misinterpreting the situation.

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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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So guys, are there times you don't ask a girl out that you like? I feel like I might miss opportunities if I am too shy to ask out a guy and he's too shy to ask out me.

SwordofFlame Established Member

SwordofFlame

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So guys, are there times you don't ask a girl out that you like? I feel like I might miss opportunities if I am too shy to ask out a guy and he's too shy to ask out me.

Sure if the girl is bad at flirting or I'm too oblivious to see the indicators of interest :laugh:

hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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Good for you for going out on a limb like that after he clearly expressed some interest in you. In this situation, it's him and not you. Very weird behavior from a guy with a girlfriend. Totally inappropriate!

 

I am not one to approach guys, but many guys typically only approach women who appear interested. So, eye contact and a smile will encourage someone you're attracted to to approach.

Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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Women with partners regularly flirt and even go on dates with men (at the man's expense of course) and then use the loop hole 'We're just friends though, I have a boyfriend/husband'

 

You now know how it feels.

 

This is why I totally appreciate it when men are upfront and I try to do the same. I absolutely hate it when I'm out with a guy not knowing if it's as a friend of a date.

 

I've had several men thank me for being so direct. I've also made a point to thank men who are direct and they told me they often get bad reactions from women which I find really odd.

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Lovelorn00 Established Member

Lovelorn00

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Agreed. His behavior is downright odd. Why the heck would he ask her to hang out when he already has a gf? I wonder how his gf would feel about that. I'd have stopped talking to him after that.

 

Odd? Yes. But this type of deceptive weirdness occurs so often with guys, it's not even funny. I've dealt with this on more than one occasion, and it honestly makes me want to stop dating altogether.

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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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"Many guys typically only approach women who appear interested."

 

I think that is exactly my problem. I have a hard time showing interest in a way that's different from a guy I don't want to date. Example: after our game, we'll all sit around talking and I want everyone to be included equally in conversation (girl or boy) so there's probably no way this guy would think I like him any more than anyone else at the table. If I can get them one-on-one (which is HARD to get to that point because there's almost always other people around) then I can do it more naturally.

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abby_tx Established Member

abby_tx

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Odd? Yes. But this type of deceptive weirdness occurs so often with guys, it's not even funny. I've dealt with this on more than one occasion, and it honestly makes me want to stop dating altogether.

 

 

 

Why do they bother? What do they get out of it? I mean if they're not sleeping with the girl how does flirting with her help them?

hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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Why do they bother? What do they get out of it? I mean if they're not sleeping with the girl how does flirting with her help them?

 

Ego boost.

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