Moriarti Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I started dating my girlfriend about 10 months ago. She was in the beginning stages of divorce and had been separated. She has two kids and they had a alternating weekends agreement. The relationship has been great. We've had our arguments like any couple does. I love her children like my own. We take them everywhere on the weekends we have them. Her relationship with her ex however was very hostile at times. They got to a point that everything was handled through lawyers. They would only text each other when it was about the children. She complained to me how awful he was as a husband and how she wasn't in love. She would tell me that i was the love of her life. She wanted to marry me etc. I want all of this, too. Recently she said that it had become more cordial with her ex (still husband) and that an agreement out of court seemed likely. I thought this was good since a court battle would be expensive. Then just a few days ago she told that he asked for her back and that he apologized for everything he did. He had asked for her back before, in the beginning, so I didn't think much of it. But later on she revealed to me that she was torn and tempted to go back. It is something she is thinking of doing and she says she is crying a lot about it and doesn't know what to do.She tells me that she loves me and that she is in love with me. At one point she said, "have some patience with me. See me through this." I'm not really sure what she means by that. Is it a natural thing to want to reconcile with a spouse when the divorce is close to being finalized? She said she told him no when he asked for her back. But, it's still something she says she is unsure about. My close friend said that she is probably unsure what to do but that it's still not fair to me and that I should break up with her right away. I don't know if I should give her some time. It's a divorce and kids are involved so it can get a bit emotional. I am seeing her this weekend for dinner. I guess my options are 1. break up with her 2. see how it plays out 3. be more aggressive in fighting for her (not literally) But make the case why we belong together. 4. Tell her that I will leave her be until she makes up her mind.
KatZee Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 1. Dump her. Lesson learned. Don't date anyone who is married! Doesn't matter if they say their relationship is s.hit, they're getting a divorce, they hate each other, words are words until the papers are signed. Look at all the women who get strung along every single day by "separated" married men. They almost always go back to their wives. They never divorce them. 2
Woggle Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Just drop her and don't date married women anymore. 1
carhill Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 OP, this is completely normal and customary, as a possibility, and especially so when a couple shares children. It can occur even after divorce; essentially, any time in life. I'd treat this as any other dating situation. She's shared that she wants to date someone else, in this case a former partner. That's OK. She can certainly do that. You can also date women of your choosing. The key concept turns upon whether and how she would support you while you're dating and mating with other ladies. Everyone is different but my experience indicates those chances as infinitesimal to non-extant. Up to you as to how you process this. I've been married and divorced and I'd process it as 'well, we had some fun and good luck with your husband' and part on friendly terms. Women aren't fragile flowers and she'll be just fine, no matter what choice she makes. 1
Author Moriarti Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 OP, this is completely normal and customary, as a possibility, and especially so when a couple shares children. It can occur even after divorce; essentially, any time in life. I'd treat this as any other dating situation. She's shared that she wants to date someone else, in this case a former partner. That's OK. She can certainly do that. You can also date women of your choosing. The key concept turns upon whether and how she would support you while you're dating and mating with other ladies. Everyone is different but my experience indicates those chances as infinitesimal to non-extant. Up to you as to how you process this. I've been married and divorced and I'd process it as 'well, we had some fun and good luck with your husband' and part on friendly terms. Women aren't fragile flowers and she'll be just fine, no matter what choice she makes. She hasn't decided yet which puts me in kind of limbo waiting around for her decision. Which, I feel like total putz for doing. Or maybe she has decided and is just afraid to tell me. To those saying don't get involved with people that are separated from their spouses. You're right. But, I did, and now the relationship crisis before me is what I have to deal with. It would be the same thing if I dated someone who had just gotten out of a four year relationship. There's always the chance they will go back. Today she said she can't imagine a future without me. When she says stuff like it makes it hard for me to understand why she would want to never see me again. It's not a situation where if she wants to go back to husband then I could date and we would still see each other. If she goes back then it's completely over for us.
carhill Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 If there's even a hint of not being all-in, with a GF of ten months to whom you've been sexually monogamous, she's out. That's how monogamy and exclusivity work, presuming you don't have an open relationship. The fact that she even mentioned her husband to you indicates that the thought processes, and actions, have been going on for some time and you're now included in the loop. Why? Unknown but long experience with MW's indicates guilt reduction is in play. Cynical perhaps but yeah I'm old and cynical so there ya go 1
SoThatHappened Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 ^^^ This. Word for word. Run. She has kids with him and is considering getting back with him when I GUARANTEE nothing has changed that caused the divorce. He didn't change, and neither did she. 1
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 The key concept turns upon whether and how she would support you while you're dating and mating with other ladies. Everyone is different but my experience indicates those chances as infinitesimal to non-extant. Exactly. This situation does not even remotely pass the "what if the boot were on the other foot" test. If you told her that you were considering going back to your ex-girlfriend then I think you would be called all sorts of names and kicked out of her life quicker than you could say "role reversal". Today she said she can't imagine a future without me. Obviously that's a lie. If it were true then she wouldn't even consider going back. She's feeding you sweet words to keep you on the back burner while she decides whether to have her cake or eat it. If there's even a hint of not being all-in, with a GF of ten months to whom you've been sexually monogamous, she's out. Yup, exactly. At 10 months she should be all-in or all-out. This halfway house stuff is just BS. It means she is not all in. And if it were me, I would not be happy with that. 1
perol Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 You were a rebound, nothing more. She was in no way ready to date anyone new, and she's been very unfair to you. Cut your losses and don't spend another day with this woman, I wouldn't even meet up with her this weekend as planned. At the risk of being redundant.. don't ever date anyone in the early stages of divorce. I don't say wait until the divorce is final because the legal process can take years, but you need to proceed with extreme caution when dating separated people.
mightycpa Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) She hasn't decided yet which puts me in kind of limbo waiting around for her decision. Which, I feel like total putz for doing. Or maybe she has decided and is just afraid to tell me.More likely, not quite ready to spill the beans, just in case things go bad at the last minute. Today she said she can't imagine a future without me. When she says stuff like it makes it hard for me to understand why she would want to never see me again.This is the kiss of death. This is Judas kissing Jesus on the cheek, right before he hands Jesus over to the Romans. This is her last gasp of emotion for you, a way to self-justify her time with you because she loved you, but she loved her family more. What a sweet, sweet memory you'll be, instead of that time in her life when she acted horribly! Not only should you stop seeing this woman immediately, you should simply ghost on her. She's told you everything you need to know, except for the date this is all going down. That's the one thing left that you have control over. Edited October 29, 2015 by mightycpa 1
Author Moriarti Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Now I got a text from her saying she loves me and wants to be with me and thinking of wanting to leave me was a big mistake. God. I'm a putz. I will jump right back to her even though trust is completely gone now.
mightycpa Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Now I got a text from her saying she loves me and wants to be with me and thinking of wanting to leave me was a big mistake. God. I'm a putz. I will jump right back to her even though trust is completely gone now.You kinda hafta wonder what went wrong and how long will it last this time, don't you? 1
carhill Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Now I got a text from her saying she loves me and wants to be with me and thinking of wanting to leave me was a big mistake. God. I'm a putz. I will jump right back to her even though trust is completely gone now. Ha, ha, check their case summary and see what motions or procedural reports were filed this week. You are monitoring their divorce, right? I could go to our court web site, if I wanted to do a blow by blow recount of our D, now years in the past, and pull it all up from the convenience of my living room. Nostalgia, heh OTOH, that points to a positive potential as well, related to your situation. While my exW and I were divorcing, after I bought another house and she moved into it, she moved another guy in. I later met him on a few occasions and even offered him a job because, well, he's a great mason. As far as I know, they're still together and it's been nearly six years. So, there's an example of a rebound that wasn't a rebound. One difference though; we didn't have kids. To me, that's a big difference. Up to you. My era of such relations is over. You will make the choice healthiest for yourself.
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