Author rainrhonda Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I do know I'm the only one he's seeing, so that part isn't exactly the reassurance I seem to be craving. It's wanting to know how he feels about me because he never really says so. His actions and things he does, are a pretty good give away, but it seems to be more verbal evidence I want. I know his schedule and what his life is like Sunday through Saturday every week, and we squeeze in whatever chances we have to be together. When he isn't with me he is texting me. I have absolutely no reason to think he is seeing anyone else. Plus he has been cheated on, and makes it clear he is not multiple-dater kind of guy. All that is great. But I want to know what he is thinking about me in this stage we are in.
edgygirl Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) You might as well be dating my "ex"... he acted as if we were in a relationship, didn't see anyone else... planned trips, introduced me to all his friends... only to back out 5 months later. Don't assume he's serious about you in any way until he doesn't verbally says so and makes a commitment to you, whatever that may signify to you. Please don't make the same mistake I did, believing that because he acted like a boyfriend, he was "practically" a boyfriend. Now I know, he never was, although he behaved like one. I have the impression you are under the same illusion I was. And you're also kind of lying to yourself saying you don't want anything serious... if you didn't, you wouldn't be here asking this. Be truth to yourself and don't let this guy play you. I say this from experience. When a man wants to commit, he won't be vague about committing. Edited October 31, 2015 by edgygirl 1
Author rainrhonda Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Wellnof course I want serious, and I am ok with that unfolding slowly, I just don't expect it to be labeled it that way this soon. What I want, is just to know how he feels right now.. Or get an idea if it could get more serious later, perhaps. Not to say I would disagree if he wanted to call it serious now, I just don't expect that or require it yet. Regardless of sleeping together, I think 2 months is too fast to call it serious, although not impossible or illogical, necessarily. I just want to know what he's feeling for me so far, when it comes down to it. I would be content with "I like you alot and want to keep seeing you"... Something in that neighborhood. Your pretty, you make me laugh, etc. He says I'm hot kindof often... But that's the extent of his compliments. It probably just means I wish he were more verbal, and some people just are not, but it's hard to say at this point if he is definitely one of those people,or has trouble talking about feelings.. Or hell, if he has no feelings at all... This is what I'm trying to figure out. His actions and behavior say all the right things to me, that can be enough for a short time in the beginning, but eventually it's no longer ok. Just so happens I have just reached the point wjere I really want to know. And don't know how to put it in words. He is a caring guy. I had a bad day and he asks how I'm doing and checks in through the day, shows clear concerm for my well being. But we also have the flirting and heavy attraction. (together and apart). All the elements I need to like someone alot, are there. Except for his lack of verbal expression. He is affectionate physically. There are just no words that describe his feelings.
Dolfin80 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I think it's a bit strange that he hasn't said anything yet. In my experience they usually let you know within a few months. The guys I've been with tell me they are falling in love with me or are head over heals within the first few months. They usually let you know because they want to relationship! I'd be a bit suspicious if I hadn't heard anything, esp around the age of 40, hence why you are posting here. 1
readynow Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Rain, 2 months is NOT too soon to ask him where he is with you. You sleep together, go on trips together etc That has made it a very legit question to raise. Ask yourself, how would you feel if you found that he was concurrently having the same sort of relationship with someone else? He could well say, 'It's not like we're together or anything'. Just ask him casually while doing something random together, 'Hey, so what are we?' or 'what are you to me?' or something like that. Don't put words in his mouth, just let him say what he thinks. If he says you're just friends at least you know how much of yourself to invest in the pretend relationship. If he says, 'I see you as my girlfriend', well there you go
Author rainrhonda Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 It's not that I think its too soon to ask. Just too soon to call it serious. I'm not looking for that. Just looking for where he is at with me NOW. If it's "serious" then fine, but I don't need him to say that yet I need him to just say what he thinks about us at this point in time. His answer doesn't have to say serious. Just how he feels about me and us so far... That's all I wanna know... If he says he likes me alot ans not ready to call it serious yet, that's fine, but I would expect that to change later, hopefully. For now I just want him to talk to me, tell me what's on his mind.
RedRobin Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You've already stated that he's not the kind of guy to put things in words. Then you say you aren't ready for it to be 'serious', etc. I don't think you can have it both ways. You either want things defined, or you don't. Perhaps some work on your desire for clarity (or not) is in order. I am still going with my earlier statement. You have established a pattern with this guy already... That you are ok not having clarity, or labels, or definitions... Blah blah... In order for you to agree to spend time with him. So you want to change the 'rules' that you perhaps unknowingly created? Or were too afraid to establish? Not sure what to tell you. Doesn't sound fun to me. I know what I would do in your situation, but you seem happy enough to be paralyzed into inaction. I am not really a go with the flow person. Maybe you are finding out that maybe you aren't as go with the flow as you thought you were? That's ok too. I think just treading water in a situation like this where your needs are not being met isn't a good thing. So your options are... 1 ask for clarity and risk getting an answer you don't like. 2 don't ask for clarity and make a decision to stay or go based on some other criteria. I have done both in my dating life. As I have gotten older, I have most often taken number two and just ended it, because if I have to ask for clarity in the early stages, I know we aren't compatible. But that is just me. 1
mrs rubble Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Good lord you're overthinking this. Just enjoy being with him. His actions say he likes you. Just let it be. Tell him how you feel to start the ball rolling if you need to know so badly!
Author rainrhonda Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 Good lord you're overthinking this. Just enjoy being with him. His actions say he likes you. Just let it be. Tell him how you feel to start the ball rolling if you need to know so badly! I sordof did. Last night, well we had a date night and sleepover and I did choose to just go with the flow and not start serious talk. But, in the heat of a moment I spontaneously told him I'm very happy with him. The words just kinda slipped out of my mouth. But I was definitely saying what I meant. He just started kissing me when I said it. So again, I'm getting actions, but no words. He held me all night, he stayed over for movies and lunch today before going home. I'm confident he feels the same as I do. I am happy. But I'm gathering more and more that verbal expression isn't one of his strengths.. so after a little more evaluation this weekend, I think I just need a little more time before I get the nerve to have "the talk"
Httm Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I sordof did. Last night, well we had a date night and sleepover and I did choose to just go with the flow and not start serious talk. But, in the heat of a moment I spontaneously told him I'm very happy with him. The words just kinda slipped out of my mouth. But I was definitely saying what I meant. He just started kissing me when I said it. So again, I'm getting actions, but no words. He held me all night, he stayed over for movies and lunch today before going home. I'm confident he feels the same as I do. I am happy. But I'm gathering more and more that verbal expression isn't one of his strengths.. so after a little more evaluation this weekend, I think I just need a little more time before I get the nerve to have "the talk" It boggles my mind that adults aren't mature enough to have open and honest conversations. This is not a major conversation. It is simple and quick. And you said that he makes you happy and he doesn't say anything back? What is he? 5? How old are you two? Is this a teen relationship?
Author rainrhonda Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 It boggles my mind that adults aren't mature enough to have open and honest conversations. This is not a major conversation. It is simple and quick. And you said that he makes you happy and he doesn't say anything back? What is he? 5? How old are you two? Is this a teen relationship? We are in our 30's.But I have trouble saying things, always have. Mainly because I have been a hurt alot, and from what I know about his relationship history, he has been hurt alot too. So I'm beginning to wonder if we just both have the same kind of communication problem. With expressing feelings anyway. He is so very affectionate and sweet and every other way. But for me to tell a man, I am happy with you, that is huge for me, he smiled and seemed very happy to hear it and cuddled with me all night. I can feel that he is happy too but, gosh.. I just don't know.
Httm Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 We are in our 30's.But I have trouble saying things, always have. Mainly because I have been a hurt alot, and from what I know about his relationship history, he has been hurt alot too. So I'm beginning to wonder if we just both have the same kind of communication problem. With expressing feelings anyway. He is so very affectionate and sweet and every other way. But for me to tell a man, I am happy with you, that is huge for me, he smiled and seemed very happy to hear it and cuddled with me all night. I can feel that he is happy too but, gosh.. I just don't know. I'm sorry, but you are just making excuses. You don't get hurt because of communicating. You get hurt because a relationship is bad, and that is part of life. Since you are willing to try dating, you are knowingly taking the risk of hurt. You are choosing not to communicate and then making excuses. The guy chose to ignore words of affection. You will either choose to be an adult and create a real adult relationship with communication or you will be doomed to continue being in guesswork relationships instead of team based ones. Why come as ask for advice when you really just want validation and people to help with guesswork and tea leaves reading over the internet? Life is about choice. You create the type of relationships that you have. You continue to CHOOSE not to communicate in yours, so it will always be that way. You are content to excuse and justify your behavior, so this is all you'll ever have. To me, aadvice forum is better for people who actually have intention if using advice and wanting to change for the better. 2
Author rainrhonda Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I never said anyone's advice here was bad. Simmer down. There is plenty advice I plan to use... When I am darn good and ready. And I am the only one who can decide when that will be. I was not fully comfortable about bringing it up yet this weekend. I wanted to feel him outmore. I am getting warmer to the point of which I will talk though, like within days. But if I wanted to wait another month to ask him, nothin wrong with that. And excuses no I don't think so. I am just trying to think things through. Sort my thoughts. If you don't like it then I'm sorry. Not all relationships are the same, not everyone communicates the same, there is not one universal, right or wrong way to be. Not to mention I get conflicting advice where one person's view is completely different from the next. I tend to struggle in certain areas of relationships, I wish I was as good at knowing what to do as everyone else, but I'm just not. For this guy, I want to work on that part of myself, but I'm trying to figure out how, and it brings me fear because I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. I've had men who just want to be my friend and it hurt me,, men who verbally abused me, men who never took me out or called after sex, one disappointment after another. Now I have one who talks to me everyday, takes me out, holds me, does nice things for me. The only thing missing is his words. And I would much rather have this problem than all the ones I have had before. But now I am starting to fear it won't work out and I don't know how I will face that emotionally, probably not well.
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