rainrhonda Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 We have been dating 2 months. Sleeping together and planning a weekend trip for a month away. We have done 1 other weekend trip already. So how and when do I bring up the relationship question? I know he is a one woman kind of guy, and has had all very long term relationships. I figure he wouldn't be making plans with me a month from now if he didn't plan to stick around. But, he is more expressive with actions than words, very affectionate and kind, but he pretty much never says in words whatever he is feeling. And I would like to know, but how do I say this in a way that doesn't present too much pressure? I have been very happy and like him alot. I might be to the point of falling for him but will probably be more sure about that as time goes on. Should I wait longer to ask what he's feeling? And how do I bring it up? Thanks.
CarrieT Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 But, he is more expressive with actions than words, very affectionate and kind, but he pretty much never says in words whatever he is feeling. Then I would learn to live with this and not bring it up...
Author rainrhonda Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Then I would learn to live with this and not bring it up... I can do that for awhile. But eventually I will need to hear feom his mouth what he feels. Do I just let it go until he might just say something on his own? And how much time do I let go by without him saying nothing?
RoseWater Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 How come you didn't ask where you stood before having sex?
MissBee Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Before planning weekend trips. I haven't personally done stuff like that with a guy before we've made it clear we're a couple. It's best to find this stuff out sooner rather than after weekend trips and all this other stuff. Rule of thumb for dating: don't emotionally invest and do the things couples do before you know if you're in fact a couple and he sees something exclusive with you. If you can sleep together and go away for trips together, then knowing where things stand is the least. Be open and frank about it. This myth of "pressure" or "scaring a man off" has to stop. A man who wants you to be his gf is not going to be scared because you asked about the relationship, he will be HAPPY to confirm things for you. A man who wants NSA though, well he'll evade and avoid or run away....that's not your fault. Not asking just wastes your own time, as if you don't ask, it won't make an unwilling man anymore willing likewise asking will not scare off a man who wants what you want. Edited October 29, 2015 by MissBee 4
Author rainrhonda Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I guess I should have asked before but, guess it's only just now that I really want to know. Our first weekend trip was his idea. After that he said we should do that again. So I've counted on the fact that this is a strong sign he wants a relationship with me. I get a good morning text and how is your day going text, every single day. I believe all these things mean he is really into me, and planning another trip has to mean he doesn't plan to go anywhere soon. All that makes me happy. I just want him to say he is happy to, or something along those lines.
RedRobin Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I don't have the 'talk'. I don't have sex with a guy unless we are exclusive and I don't agree to be exclusive with guys who have a habit of being wishy washy about who they are exclusive with. As for your situation, you have already established that you are willing to leave things on vague terms. Either settle in, like Carrie suggested, or come up with your own mental timetable for when you walk.... Or date other people. No one is telling you that you can't, right? 1
RecentChange Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I am bold and forward and tend to say what is on my mind... And if I were you, with this obviously on your mind, I would bring it up. Thinking back to the last time I had the "exclusive" talk - it was probably around 2 months (maybe less even!), and both of us were seeing other people when we started dating.... But things heated up FAST (and yes we had been having sex - exclusive or relationships are not a pre-req. for me). I remember we were out on a date, having a cocktail, sitting close and being flirty and I said something along the lines of: So, what are we doing? I have to say.... Since meeting you, I don't really want to see other people any more. He gushed that he felt the same way - had a hot make out session and the rest is history Broke it off with side dude, sometime around then he broke it off with side chick, we were living together 6 months later. So in short, I think you should have the talk.... When you start thinking about having the talk! No reasons to follow "rules" set by other people.
crederer Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Its as simple as, "So are we exclusive? Because I want that". If he doesnt want it, then move on. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 That's good advice and good way to say it. I did mention in a text once that I wasn't looking elsewhere at the moment.. He never responded to that but since then we are planning a trip that's a month from now and he is excited about it.. And he appears to be happy in general. So it's easy for me to assume he is in the same place but that's only assumption and think I need the words to confirm it.
MissBee Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I guess I should have asked before but, guess it's only just now that I really want to know. Our first weekend trip was his idea. After that he said we should do that again. So I've counted on the fact that this is a strong sign he wants a relationship with me. I get a good morning text and how is your day going text, every single day. I believe all these things mean he is really into me, and planning another trip has to mean he doesn't plan to go anywhere soon. All that makes me happy. I just want him to say he is happy to, or something along those lines. It's often a mistake to assume things. So many women (and men) get hurt and disappointed when they don't ask questions and simply assume the reason the person does things is for the same reason they would do them or ascribe a meaning to it that it doesn't have. You're assuming because he texts you every day and all that that he wants a relationship and this may be true, but there are countless stories too where this wasn't true or worse, those women who live with a man, think he wants to get married and he doesn't. The point is: if you are thinking of being in a relationship but can't even ask these questions, then something is wrong. It shouldn't be something you have to guess or assume. If you think he is relationship potential and if you think he feels the same, then it should be fairly easy to communicate your feelings with him. I think you should...what's a relationship without open and honest communication? Miscommunication comes often from just guessing, assuming and reading into things, whereas couples who actually have open and honest straightforward conversations often fare much better.
Gloria25 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Then I would learn to live with this and not bring it up... I disagree.... My FWB was clear "verbally" about it just being FWB...but, we'd go out like a dating couple to movies, shopping, eating and dude was always brining flowers/gifts. He also offered and did handiguy work on my house/vehicle - to the extent he wanted to re-design/organize my closet. Well I started looking more into his "actions" and "affections" until the day he told me that not only was he having sex with other women besides me (cuz we agreed to tell each other if there were other people - since we weren't using protection) that now that he finally decided to divorce his icey queen of a wife, that he didn't wanna be "tied down" to me or anyone. So, you need to have a frank talk with this guy and not assume you think a rabbit is a rabbit cuz it is furry and hops. Me, I'd have the "Why are you dating?", "What do you want with me?" talk before sex happned. Cuz as much as the sexual revolution and women's movement wanna make women think they can have emotionless sex and just "get theirs", thing is we chemically bond with the guy after sex and we end up in bad situations cuz the chemical bond is forcing us to try to make it work. I mean, two months? You don't know a thing about this guy, but are trying to find out "where" it's going already cuz you've had sex on several occasions already. Next time, wait, build an actual bond, have the "talk" before having sex. I don't see this going well cuz you two don't know a thing about each other and are fast forwarding this RL.
Gloria25 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) Its as simple as, "So are we exclusive? Because I want that". If he doesnt want it, then move on. If I were him and you brought this up only after two months of dating, I'd bail. Why? Cuz I'd think you're a clinger. You gave me sex several times and I barely know you two months and now you wanna tie me down? What's next? To be engaged at the 6 month mark? Married a year after? An "oops" pregnancy? Shoot, even an employer won't let you pass probation in barely two months...but people think in less than two months they know a complete stranger? Edited October 29, 2015 by Gloria25
Author rainrhonda Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 If I were him and you brought this up only after two months of dating, I'd bail. Why? Cuz I'd think you're a clinger. You gave me sex several times and I barely know you two months and now you wanna tie me down? What's next? To be engaged at the 6 month mark? Married a year after? An "oops" pregnancy? Shoot, even an employer won't let you pass probation in barely two months...but people think in less than two months they know a complete stranger? Yea its not asking about exclusive I really want, just wanna know where he is at with us or how he feels right now.
Httm Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I don't know what it means to be having sex with someone, sleeping over, and planning a trip, yet don't have a good enough relationship and maturity to talk openly about something as simple and as core to a relationship as exclusivity. It speaks to immaturity and insecurity. If you can't talk openly and directly about how you feel, then you have nothing. 3
Httm Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 If I were him and you brought this up only after two months of dating, I'd bail. Why? Cuz I'd think you're a clinger. You gave me sex several times and I barely know you two months and now you wanna tie me down? What's next? To be engaged at the 6 month mark? Married a year after? An "oops" pregnancy? Shoot, even an employer won't let you pass probation in barely two months...but people think in less than two months they know a complete stranger? Haha. It is amazing there are people as warped as this out there. Take this advice if you want to be only in superficial sham relationships with players. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 He already knows I do not have a goal to get married.. I have already told him before I would be happy with just a lifetime partner.. That was in the beginning and he's still here He also knows that I cannot physically have children, and he has kids of his own, so neither of us have expectations for marriage /kids out of this and we are already on the same page in that aspect. So if I ask about our status, it is unlikely that he will think I'm rushing toward that stuff, given he knows all this about me. However I do think it's possible that 2 months could be too soon for having a "serious relationship" kind of talk... What I want to know is just how he feels about this right now, at this stage of things. And maybe a more serious talk about that a little more down the road. Basically just want to give him the opportunity to say whatever is on his mind. I'm just bad with getting words out verbally, due to fear of saying something dumb or wrong, but that is justmy own issue that I have to find a way around, perhaps.
Httm Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 He already knows I do not have a goal to get married.. I have already told him before I would be happy with just a lifetime partner.. That was in the beginning and he's still here He also knows that I cannot physically have children, and he has kids of his own, so neither of us have expectations for marriage /kids out of this and we are already on the same page in that aspect. So if I ask about our status, it is unlikely that he will think I'm rushing toward that stuff, given he knows all this about me. However I do think it's possible that 2 months could be too soon for having a "serious relationship" kind of talk... What I want to know is just how he feels about this right now, at this stage of things. And maybe a more serious talk about that a little more down the road. Basically just want to give him the opportunity to say whatever is on his mind. I'm just bad with getting words out verbally, due to fear of saying something dumb or wrong, but that is justmy own issue that I have to find a way around, perhaps. Marriage or kids have nothing to do with this conversation. In an adult relationship, you should be open about how you feel and be able to have talks about where each of you are and where you'd like to be in the short term. JUST TALK ABOUT IT! Really, it is that simple. It is the way that all adult, real relationships should operate. 5
RecentChange Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Yeah to me - saying hey! I think your cool enough, and I am interested enough in you, that I would like to see only you right now, and not bang anyone else - do you feel the same way? Is light years away from " I want to marry you and let's have babies!" I have been in a number of exclusive relationships lasting from oh, a year to well over a decade. And none have included marriage or babies (neither of those are on my agenda). Having "the talk" does not mean wedding bells!
Lois_Griffin Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 If you can be as intimate with him as two people can possibly be - yet have a problem being able to openly discuss how you're both feeling at the at this point in the relationship - then you really shouldn't be having sex.
MissBee Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) Marriage or kids have nothing to do with this conversation. In an adult relationship, you should be open about how you feel and be able to have talks about where each of you are and where you'd like to be in the short term. JUST TALK ABOUT IT! Really, it is that simple. It is the way that all adult, real relationships should operate. I have to agree. I also don't get it...you're having sex, planning trips, sleeping over, but 2 months is "too soon" to have "serious" talks. This doesn't make sense, but so many women buy into this. Usually, it comes from insecurity and fear where they will go along with all kinds of things because they think if they do they will keep the man or he will reward them with a commitment (not necessarily marriage, just a commitment, exclusive relationship, lifetime partner) if they are "easy going," don't bring stuff up etc. It's nonsense though from my experience and the countless women who post threads where they are giving the man everything and the kitchen sink but have no clue where they stand and think it's "too soon." It never makes you feel confident, secure and sure and that's a problem if you're in a "relationship" where you don't feel this way and can't speak openly. That's the biggest red flag. In dating, I've never been in a relationship with a man where we couldn't speak openly. Two months esp of trips and such is long enough to be comfortable speaking freely. There must be a reason why you're scared to bring this up. Be honest with yourself about that. Also, be wise about what too soon means. If you're being intimate and doing all kinds of other things that couples do, it's not too soon. Like this literally makes no sense....if you were just dating casually, seeing each other once a week, no sex, no trips and not much overlap in your lives fine...but you can't do all the above and still act like it's "too soon." I also don't get this...forgive me...I'm not beating you up, just trying to understand the "too soon" mentality...but when would be not too soon for you? 6 months of sleeping together and trips? 1 year? 2 years? I'm really asking because it's opposite of how I date, so I truly don't really understand how you can date for months and months before finding out what's what. For me, before I even escalate things I find out what the guy wants and if what we want is the same. There is no too soon. In the early parts of dating when we first start going out, over dinner, coffee, while walking, many times its before sex is on the table (and definitely after sex if it hasn't been clarified, I try to make it clear), we have conversations and it comes out what we want and are looking for...this makes life SO MUCH EASIER! I can quickly gauge if a man is just enjoying my company but just wants something casual, just wants sex or if he's looking for a serious gf (and eventually wife). I think that's the smartest and most mature, adult way of dating esp if you're not in it just for something casual. That helps me to orient myself towards him and control my own emotions. Remember rainrhonda, the MORE time you spend together, more trips, more sex, the MORE attached you get, not the less! So that's why it's better to find out sooner rather than later because if you wait too long you're more likely to end up hurt if the person isn't on the page you thought they were, whereas with "too soon," you still don't know them very well and usually are way less attached, so if they run away screaming, it means they NEVER wanted what you wanted anyway and you'll get over it say if you find this out 1 month in versus 9 months in. Edited October 30, 2015 by MissBee 1
Author rainrhonda Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Marriage or kids have nothing to do with this conversation. In an adult relationship, you should be open about how you feel and be able to have talks about where each of you are and where you'd like to be in the short term. JUST TALK ABOUT IT! Really, it is that simple. It is the way that all adult, real relationships should operate. Right, I was responding to Gloria's post so I agree with you. You know, I wont put a time line on it, there are really no rules... When I am with him and it feels natural and right to bring it up, I will. And I don't know how long that will take me. But I will when I'm ready, and I expect that to be sooner rather than later.
Male Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I never understood and still dont understand why this is such a HUGE deal for most people. Maybe since I'm in my 40's its different for our generation? Do the younger generations have to put a verbal label on it to make it official? My entire life I NEVER had "the talk" with any woman I dated. It was blatantly obvious that we liked each other and were an item.
Author rainrhonda Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I never understood and still dont understand why this is such a HUGE deal for most people. Maybe since I'm in my 40's its different for our generation? Do the younger generations have to put a verbal label on it to make it official? My entire life I NEVER had "the talk" with any woman I dated. It was blatantly obvious that we liked each other and were an item. I am almost 40 too. Your right maybe this talk isn't always necessary. I just don't know. But it's not really labels I'm seeking it's more just wanting to know what he thinks about this at this point in time. Sordof to check in and see if we are the same page I guess. Any hint of how he feels about me at this point. But I don't require a stamp or title, necessarily.
Httm Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I never understood and still dont understand why this is such a HUGE deal for most people. Maybe since I'm in my 40's its different for our generation? Do the younger generations have to put a verbal label on it to make it official? My entire life I NEVER had "the talk" with any woman I dated. It was blatantly obvious that we liked each other and were an item. In today's age of stds, it makes sense to confirm that someone else intends to be exclusive. Some of us don't want to leave that up to gut feelings or intuition. It is too serious to rely on guesswork. 1
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