DC77 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Long of the short, I slept with a guy and communication has gone silent. That's the short of it... Long of it, I've been sort of seeing this guy for 6 weeks. Came on super strong. Really liked me. But the kicker, he's being reassigned to another state a long ways away. Military. He did not hide this. Told me upfront. But we agreed to keep talking and keep things casual. After my last fiasco of a relationship, I don't feel ready for anything emotional anyways. So sex and companionship sounded good to me. I've had a couple successful casual relationships in the past that were great. But it's not for everybody. We've had trouble coming together just because of busy schedules, and he's started to unravel the closer he gets to departure. This is reassignment military guy number 4. They read like a book. He has an amazing body and I couldn't wait to see, touch, and everything else. I was under the same impression from him about me. But every time he talk the talk he would never show to back it up. He says he doesn't want it to be all about sex, so he hasn't shown (or so he says). And it's obvious he's been conflicted day to day. He's been a rollercoaster. I've tried to step off a few times. I told him, Maybe just bad timing. Not meant to be. Figured he had other women (since he's active online). He's adamant he's not sleeping with anyone else (or so he says). But he wouldn't let go. He keeps saying he wants more than just sex, but that he's leaving. And I've assured him, whether we had sex or not I'd like to know him as a person too. I can't completely depersonalize. I enjoy the getting to know part too. Alright, to the thick of it. After he decided that he didn't want sex, he texted yesterday and said he did. I asked him if he was sure. I didn't want to do anything that he didn't feel good about. He was sure. So we did, and it was amazing! But he did have a little alcohol on his breath (mid afternoon). And he kept saying I'm here for you. I'm here to please you, whatever you want...have to admit, I went with it. And again, it was amazing! Pretty sure for both of us, twice. Now the communication is silent. I texted afterwards I had an amazing time. Nothing. This morning, no good morning text. Sent a good morning, nothing... Have to say, I got what I wanted. But a little disappointed at the disappearing act. Not sure there's a definitive question for this one. I'm always open to perspectives though. Just a little disappointed it's going out like that. Of course I wanted more!
fitnessfan365 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 But the kicker, he's being reassigned to another state a long ways away. Military. He did not hide this. Told me upfront. But we agreed to keep talking and keep things casual. I think this answers your own question. He's getting ready to leave for another state and you agreed to keep it casual. Would it have been nice for him to at least follow up after the sex happened? Yes. But if there weren't supposed to be any expectations, he's probably just trying to fade out. But I agree that his actions have been kind of strange. You're in a casual set up and he came on strong sexually. So you'd think he'd want it more than once in six weeks. Could be he was talking big to hide insecurity. Who knows?
kendahke Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 It sounds like he's dealing with separation anxiety. It also sounds like he has a conscience. He's found a girl he likes a lot, but he also knows he has to leave to do his duty. He's torn and he doesn't want to mess you over, but he really likes you and wants something. The timing is just bad. 2
Author DC77 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Yeah, who knows? And men say women are complicated! He did at one point make a deal about if I would stop talking to him after he left. Seemed like a silly question. I don't cut people out like that (unless you've done something really schitty) But I don't really know what he's been through with other women either. Told him I'd love to stay in touch. ...Reassignment #1 left a year and a half ago and we've actually become friends, albeit long distance. So you never know what the future will bring. And yes, after the amazing sex yesterday, wish he wanted more! Why not enjoy it while you have it!... But I think your right K, I think he does have a conscience. That's respectable. Thank you for pointing that out. Edited October 28, 2015 by DC77 1
travelbug1996 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Its only been a day or so. Give him some space. 2
RoseWater Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 You've reached your end goal so there is no reason for him to communicate with you now
katiegrl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 You've reached your end goal so there is no reason for him to communicate with you now Sounds like HE has reached HIS end goal. Apparently, the OP would like to continue.... at least that is what she posted. Last sentence of her original post. 2
Author DC77 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) I definitely wanted to sleep with him. And definitely would love to do it again. And maybe again Doesn't mean it was the end goal. I didn't have any intention of casting him aside after sex and never speaking to him again. I didn't think he did either... I get the feeling he hasn't been treated so nicely by other women. I know his ex wife cheated on him years ago. He apologizes a lot too. And I can't imagine how it must feel to move your life every 2 or 3 years. So I don't think he's your run of the mill cold hearted acehole. He's been too conflicted. He's probably in self preservation mode. But I have no idea what that means for him. For some it's cut and run. Others it's been anger. And another, just time. He's getting space. I don't have any intention of scrambling his brain any more than it already is. It's possible I may hear from him again. It's also possible I may not... Regardless of situation, it's just an unpleasant bummer to get the silence treatment after sex. I think most of us can agree on that Edited October 29, 2015 by DC77
katiegrl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I definitely wanted to sleep with him. And definitely would love to do it again. And maybe again Doesn't mean it was the end goal. I didn't have any intention of casting him aside after sex and never speaking to him again. I didn't think he did either... I get the feeling he hasn't been treated so nicely by other women. I know his ex wife cheated on him years ago. He apologizes a lot too. And I can't imagine how it must feel to move your life every 2 or 3 years. So I don't think he's your run of the mill cold hearted acehole. He's been too conflicted. He's probably in self preservation mode. But I have no idea what that means for him. For some it's cut and run. Others it's been anger. And another, just time. He's getting space. I don't have any intention of scrambling his brain any more than it already is. It's possible I may hear from him again. It's also possible I may not... Regardless of situation, it's just an unpleasant bummer to get the silence treatment after sex. I think most of us can agree on that Personally speaking, I think you got a bit played. Regardless of whether he is going away or not, there is no excuse for giving you the silent treatment immediately after first time sex. Speaks volumes, and not in a good way. Sorry. 3
Peachland Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Regardless of situation, it's just an unpleasant bummer to get the silence treatment after sex. I think most of us can agree on that I think you're being too kind to him. If he really disappeared he's rude and disrespectful. What's wrong with a proper goodbye. 2
xcupid Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 What else were you expecting? He wanted sex. You wanted sex. You both got what you wanted. That's it.
Guyouthere Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 And men say women are complicated! <-------and we are certainly very correct with this. 1
Author DC77 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 A little oversimplified I think xcupid. It didn't start that way. Of course it went there, two people attracted to each other. But he's the one that had trouble with the follow through. He didn't want it to be all about sex. He didn't want a one nighter. And he seemingly had to have a drink to go through with it... I didn't want those things either but he was much more verbal about it. When a casual relationship works, you get sex regularly, and can still be respectful and communicative. And you can part on friendly terms. Obviously, he can't. And Peachland and Katie are right. A proper goodbye would have been the respectable thing to do.
Author DC77 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Plot twist! I sent him a text today commenting on his confusing signals and he got back to me. He wanted me but he really likes someone else. Has for months. But making it work is difficult for some reason....Explains his confliction. Doesn't explain why he pursued me for 6 weeks. Doesn't make sense. Disappointed of course. Told him if he really does want to be with this person he shouldn't be sleeping with other women. It's not fair to me or her... Oh well.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Plot twist! I sent him a text today commenting on his confusing signals and he got back to me. He wanted me but he really likes someone else. Has for months. But making it work is difficult for some reason....Explains his confliction. Doesn't explain why he pursued me for 6 weeks. Doesn't make sense. Disappointed of course. Told him if he really does want to be with this person he shouldn't be sleeping with other women. It's not fair to me or her... Oh well. No offense, but if you agreed to keep things casual and it was never serious you don't really have a right to be upset over another woman in the picture. 2
Author DC77 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 No offense taken. But I'm not upset over the other woman. Not shedding tears. I wish him the best if he loves her. Really I do. I know that may not come through in a post to random strangers. It does bother me though that here is a guy professing to me how much he loves this other woman, yet he's cheated on her. And that he had to lie about it the entire time. There's been a lot of that here. Love doesn't seem to mean much. It leaves me with very little faith in men and what they have to say.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Plot twist! I sent him a text today commenting on his confusing signals and he got back to me. He wanted me but he really likes someone else. Has for months. But making it work is difficult for some reason....Explains his confliction. Doesn't explain why he pursued me for 6 weeks. Doesn't make sense. Disappointed of course. Told him if he really does want to be with this person he shouldn't be sleeping with other women. It's not fair to me or her... Oh well. I had a gut feeling there was someone else. I actually think he's involved with someone else and just never told you. The bit about "I don't want it to be about sex" was a crock of manure.
Author DC77 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Louis, yes we had a long text conversation last night (everything is by text these days!) and he professes that he loves this other woman. But he hates "everything." He hates not being with her. Wanted me but loves her. Said he "loves her but didn't think she would love him." Said it was going to be difficult to make it work. It was very cryptic. I thought maybe she didn't know he loved her and not together, but he confirmed they're together. So why the cheating?? None of it makes much sense to me. It's a big azz mess for sure though! Staying far away! Did tell him I was upset that he lied the entire time and seemingly cheated on someone he loves. He asked me if I really had no idea why. Then retracted. No, I don't really know why. Still don't. He eventually came back with, he enjoys nice asses... So there ya go. Not an excuse in my book but apparently I have an ass that will make a man cheat on the woman he loves... Lol! I don't even like my ass. I joke, but he is a sad excuse of a man at this point in his life.
katiegrl Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Louis, yes we had a long text conversation last night (everything is by text these days!) and he professes that he loves this other woman. But he hates "everything." He hates not being with her. Wanted me but loves her. Said he "loves her but didn't think she would love him." Said it was going to be difficult to make it work. It was very cryptic. I thought maybe she didn't know he loved her and not together, but he confirmed they're together. So why the cheating?? None of it makes much sense to me. It's a big azz mess for sure though! Staying far away! Did tell him I was upset that he lied the entire time and seemingly cheated on someone he loves. He asked me if I really had no idea why. Then retracted. No, I don't really know why. Still don't. He eventually came back with, he enjoys nice asses... So there ya go. Not an excuse in my book but apparently I have an ass that will make a man cheat on the woman he loves... Lol! I don't even like my ass. I joke, but he is a sad excuse of a man at this point in his life. Sounds like you have a really good sense of humor too!! What a boob! Sheesh. Me thinks YOU dodged the bullitt... Let him go cry in his beer ... you have better and more important things to do! 1
Redhead14 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Anytime you sleep with a man you should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows you otherwise -- by continuing to call you and schedule dates. If he doesn't, you let it go, especially in this case because you agreed to keeping it casual. He doesn't give a rat's rear end about you scolding him either.
Author DC77 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Thanks Katie. What fun is life if you can't laugh at it once in awhile? Yes bullet dodged! Man that sounds awful Red. Is that what dating has really come down to?? I have to say in all my years of dating I've never had this happen or had a one night stand. Ever. I can see your point and how that mentality would supposedly help protect you from disappointment, but I just won't propagate or encourage that behavior by keeping my mouth shut. We had a calm conversation. I said what I had to say. I know plenty of men that have been snapped out of their ways by the words of past women. Perhaps he doesn't give a rats ass. Or perhaps he will get his schit together and be good to himself and this girl. You don't know what he's thinking any more than I do. But I put it out there. I've forgiven, cut out, and am free to move on. That's all that matters to me. 1
RedRobin Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 The other woman doesn't want to be exclusive with him, and he was treading water with you to give himself an ego boost. Of course he's not going to tell you that upfront. i have never seen an impending move keep a guy from going after a woman he really liked. I avoid men like this by avoiding men who are into casual sex or who seem conflicted. But that is just me. I agree with the others, you got a bit played. It's ok to seek clarification. So you can learn how to do things differently next time.
Author DC77 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) Hahaa! I must be slipping in my old age Hindsight's always 20/20. I actually did try to walk away a few times. Deleted him. Told him I was going to move on to other men. He practically begged me not to. So noted, persistence and talk don't mean much. Lesson learned... And I think these forums are definitely good to get perspective and process without stressing friends. So here's a curiosity I have. And I'll probably start a new post too. He took forever to follow through. We've already established he was full of crap with the I didn't want just sex line. But when he finally showed up, he had alcohol on his breath. So he needed liquid encouragement. Then it was all about me. "What can I do for you." "What will make you happy/feel good?" "I just want to please you." "Anything you want." We walked out together. Kissed. And he said "will I talk to you in a little bit?" (THATS probably why I was a little disappointed in the disappearing act) But he is the strangest damn player I've encountered. Player? Or sad lost puppy? Edited October 31, 2015 by DC77
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