myownfault Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I was the other woman....I never had intentions of hurting anyone. I am not evil. I am a very kind and loving person. I don't know how I got myself into this mess. I began an affair with a much older man at work. The affair started off very innocent. We were friends, but as we grew closer the frienship turned to flirting and the flirting turned to sexual encounters and before I knew it, i fell in love and proceeded with a love affair that lasted for 6 years. I ruined other potentially good relationships in my life even though I knew there was no future for this relationship. The affair ended when his wife recently found out. I never expected him to choose me over family. It was very painful but just as I started to cope, He contacted me again. He decided that he could not make his marriage work. Like a desperate nieve girl, I was there for him. We spent a night together and he talked about our future all night. He wanted reassurance that I was in love with him......and I gave him my heart once again. THE NEXT DAY he went back home...sending me back into a world of pain. I told him not to contact me again because I wouldn't be here for him next time. I don't expect sympathy. I did this to myself and I hurt a family. I just want to heal. I am young, attractive, and I have a promising future but I just can't seem to get him off my mind. I constantly wonder if he is thinking about me. I haven't had any interest in pursuing other men. I need so badly to get out of this rut. I feel very hurt and very used. I've been hurt before but it never felt so bad.
quankanne Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 when will you get over him? oh honey, that's the $64,000 question. Especially after investing six years of your love in a relationship that ended the way it has. think about how a baby learns to get around. Because he is helpless at first, someone totes him around. Gradually, he learns to sit up, then scoot, then crawl, then pull himself up to take those first toddling steps. Before you know it, that kid is running and his minder just can't keep up! getting over a busted up relationship is a lot like that. Right now, you're in a helpless state, overwhelmed by the ending of that relationship and not sure of your land legs. But as time goes by, you start taking those baby steps in healing, and sure enough, you're able to stride along without worry or fear of falling each and every time. but all of that takes time, and as hurt as you are, this is your time to recoup, to take stock of what things you need to learn from this failed relationship. And to start loving yourself again after feeling so unlovable because he didn't want that relationship with you. this applies to all of us, whether we've experienced the heartbreak of a first love, the break-up of what seemed like a solid marriage, even as the lover of a married man or woman. I think it goes without saying that the choices you make from now on include using discernment to avoid a relationship with someone already committed to another, because no matter how you try to spin it, a married/taken lover is never yours to begin with, so why waste your energy trying to make it work with that person? I can only imagine that it's like hitting your head against a brick wall ...
kkat Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I am sorry you are in pain. It takes people different amounts of time to get through heartbreaks, regardless of their origins. I think all you can do is increase your power through resources and actions that give your healing the best chance of happening! I was involved with the same MM twice in my life and in total, spent far longer than you did having it prevent me from being available to a real and open love. So, I know how you feel, in that regard. The good news is, healing can and will happen, if you work at it and want it, and you can learn from the heartbreak and mistakes and move on with your life. If you read through the posts here, you will find alot of us have been in similar situations to yours, and there are also many people in this forum who haven't been the OW/OM but who have great advice and support to offer. I am young, attractive, and I have a promising future but I just can't seem to get him off my mind. I constantly wonder if he is thinking about me. I haven't had any interest in pursuing other men. Focus on this - you are young, attractive, and a person capable of loving. You've proven that. Now channel it for now into loving yourself! You don't need to pursue another man right now. Get yourself feeling better first, and pursue another man, or be open to their pursuits, when you are ready. What will you do for yourself today/tonight to treat yourself with kindness? (Clean sheets, a candle, a nice bath, a walk, a yoga class, a new magazine or book, ice cream?) If I could offer one piece of advice - it's to really force yourself to figure out WHY you allowed yourself to get and stay involved with a married man. In my process, I wanted to focus on him, his wife, my status as a victim, my anger at myself, all of that - but when I shifted the focus to looking deeply at myself and why I did it - I had an ah-hah moment and started to heal and move forward. I saw a pattern in my behavior and learned what it was about, and I am now focused on changing that in myself, from the inside out.
joodee Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 If I could offer one piece of advice - it's to really force yourself to figure out WHY you allowed yourself to get and stay involved with a married man. In my process, I wanted to focus on him, his wife, my status as a victim, my anger at myself, all of that - but when I shifted the focus to looking deeply at myself and why I did it - I had an ah-hah moment and started to heal and move forward. I saw a pattern in my behavior and learned what it was about, and I am now focused on changing that in myself, from the inside out. If you don't me asking, what was your a-ah moment? I am trying to find that a-ha moment mysef and, like myownfault, mentally move on, like you have.
MiChick43 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I am sorry, yet another MM, pulled this crap. For God sakes, cant they just be honest? Seriously. Ive read most of the posts here. All are about the same thing. Some OW waiting and waiting for her prince in shinning , whatever, to leave his wife and 5 kids. Honeslty. I would like to know who has ended up happy with the MM? I am not saying this to hurt you . Im just rather annoyed that its the same ole thing by these men, and possibly some women. THere are hearts involved. Most of these mm dont give a dam&, period. Honey....Id tell him to screw off, fast. You are way too good for this. I understand easier said then done when the heart is hurting. Get angry. It helps Hugs.
Marie1973 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Hello Myownfault "I was the other woman....I never had intentions of hurting anyone. I am not evil. I am a very kind and loving person. I don't know how I got myself into this mess. I began an affair with a much older man at work. The affair started off very innocent. We were friends, but as we grew closer the frienship turned to flirting and the flirting turned to sexual encounters and before I knew it, i fell in love and proceeded with a love affair that lasted for 6 years"" This sounds exactly like me & how my situation started. I never meant to hurt anyone either. I fell in love the same exact way. It just happened over time of joking around & flirting with an older guy at work, the Senior Vice President of my company. 2 1/2 years later, he says he's going to leave his wife this July. So we will see. If he doesn't leave, then I have to move on. Its going to hurt, really bad, & take awhile, but i'm sure i could do it, I HAVE TO. I can't let it go on any longer with all the broken promises. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death & ITS GOING TO KILL., but enough is enough ya know. I'm so sorry that u are hurting. Time will heal all wounds!!
Author myownfault Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Wow, I guess I'm not alone. Thank you for the feedback. It's nice to get advice/comfort from people who know a thing or two about this through personal experiences. Marie1973, I was just wondering, Is there a reason that he is waiting until July to leave his wife?
Marie1973 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Hi Yes we are in the same situation. He said that the time isn't right. He's said that for the last few times he was supposed to leave. But this time, i am not giving him anymore chances. So no particular reason for leaving this July. Hope u r feeling better today. Take one day at a time. I might be joining you in July!!
kkat Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 To answer JooDee's question, but with the disclaimer that I am very much still in the process of the "moving on" - not there yet but I am making fantastic progress! For me, the "ah-ha" moment and realization was around a couple of factors. One is that I have an ongoing tendency of love addition - characterized by being consciously fearful of being abandoned or rejected in love and subconsiously fearful of true intimacy. I read alot on the subject and realized this is a big part of my problem and that this relationship wasn't the first time I had exhibited this behavior in a marked way. I also realized that while to outsiders I might look like a pretty great package, inside I have some self esteem issues (primarily about never having felt I was slim enough) and that these issues made me feel that this MM was the only man I could be truly intimate with. Because I had felt such love and closeness with him over the years, and because I knew how into me he was in many ways, it made me feel esteem physically, although it racked my self-esteem overall! So, I was hanging onto him, in an addictive way, because I felt so physically attractive and loved in some ways with him, even though in most other ways I felt rejected and awful. It became a competition for me, e.g., even after I realized I wasn't even in love with him anymore nor did I really want to live the lifestyle he lives, etc. - I still wanted him to leave his wife for me. My ah-ha moment was realizing that I had to fix myself inside-out, and that even if he abruptly grew a backbone and left his wife, that I would still be the same person inside. I decided I wanted to make myself inside who I want to be, and then be ready and waiting when/if the right man comes along, and be ready and willing to accept life as an "old-but-fun-maid" if that happens also. So I changed my attitude, and I am feeling better.
joodee Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Thanks for the response, I appreciate it. I have serious self-esteem issues too and feelings of not being worthy of anything, which go back to my parents being very critical of me throughout my whole life, my dad's cheating on my mom (but she put up with it and are still married now), and generally not attracting hardly any dates, even though people say I'm pretty and slim and very smart and talented. My mom and dad always said I looked fat (and still do), but looking at pictures throughout my whole life I never was! I am 5' 10" and I usually weigh between 160 and 170, and I work out. That's considered very normal! Anyway, I'm starting to ramble...thanks again for the response. It helps.
Marie1973 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Wow Jod thats horrible of your parents to do that to you. I am 5'10" also weighing in at 145. I can't believe they called u fat. U are not fat. WE are tall & we carry it better than shorter people. You guys need to get self esteem. If it doesn't work out with my MM, thats one thing he did give me more of, self esteem. I have more self esteem now then i ever did & i really never had a low self esteem. So at least, if it doesn't work out, something good came out of it.
joodee Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 That was the big attraction, my MM kept telling me I was beautiful and perfect for him and let me tell you he wanted to spend all his time with me, and he monopolized my free time too. I let him because I enjoyed his company and he seemed to really enjoy being with me, going to dinner, cooking together, dancing, day trips. And since he and his w didn't live together or spend anytime together I saw him all the time and I was at his place all the time. And he said I was wonderful in bed, too, something I wanted to hear from a man for all my life. And he was going to file for divorce, too.... And I really felt like someone finally loved me, until I found out he had another girlfriend (that's married to someone else) that he had over just for sex (I know this for a fact, I don't want to get into how I know), and he was telling this girlfriend that I was lousy in bed and that I wanted to "breed" (have kids, duh)...and then I found out his wife was still in love with him, then I found out she was helping him with his homework, then I recently found out he had yet another girlfriend that just divorced her husband, and from evidence I found, apparently she left her marriage in the hopes that my MM would hook up with her permanenlty. And these other girlfriends did not know he was married. I don't know how he found time for all this, especially since I was with him alot. So there you have it. It's been a few weeks since I cut him off, I still really need to get over him.
kkat Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I'm shorter than you by a couple inches and heavier (my weight fluctuates alot) but believe me, even when I was 130 pounds at over 5 7 I thought I was HUGE HUGE HUGE. Imagine how I felt a gazillion pounds heavier than that. Yet, I know I am striking and that even when I have been too heavy I still looked nice. But it didn't matter, it was how I felt. My ex-MM always (still does) talk about how I am the most sensual woman he ever knew, the sexiest, how I am so beautiful, etc. And when we reconnected after 7 years, I was so much heavier it was not even funny. But he was still so into me. Anyway, it's not about the weight, it's how you feel about yourself. And for some reason, I felt badly enough about myself to overlook the fact that I was giving my heart to someone who preferred to stay married to someone else. And now, I refuse to even be in casual relationships with people/girlfriends who make me feel badly. Nope - will not do it. I am on a mission to make myself feel good inside. I treat other people beautifully and if you want to be with me - treat me beautifully. The new me, emerging... XO Kkat
joodee Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I am on a mission to make myself feel good inside. I treat other people beautifully and if you want to be with me - treat me beautifully. Very well spoken!!! That's what we need to hear, thank you!
MsMree Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I'm not sure if this will help you but i get strength from KNOWING he will never be over me, he will be the one wondering if I think of him and that he is destined to be in a relationship that is just "status quo" while I, you can have whatever we want. Of course we need to "dig deeper" but those thoughts get me through the rough spots until full healing can begin. You will be in my thoughts.
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