Ex left me ran into her after a year - Messed up reaction

[JQuest4eva]

I'll give the back story first.

 

I'm educated, have my own house, car, great family, great friends, sense of humor, good charm, honest to a fault, and above average looks, optimist and sometimes a bit stubborn but at times very patient.

 

She's pretty, incredibly giving, smart, funny, a little dark at times, but i found that attractive, and very artistic. Was always a good compliment to my logical rational self.

 

So me and this girl dated for 5 years. I was madly in love and believed her to be as well. She had a substance problem and I tried hard to be there for her. I was only pushed away when I tried. At times she would go long periods without and we had an amazing life. After time it started to wear me down, and I started to pull away and not give her as much attention. (I didn't really see it at the time) We ended up fighting about not giving her attention but I became depressed, gained 50lbs (I use to be really in shape), lost my ambition for my career, but I was going through the motions. (even though I had been moving forward because I wanted to make money for a better life for the two of us.) It became hard to see that I was being that way when all I could see was her using and when she used she pulled away from me. Regardless I loved her and I would've never left her. Even though many said I should have, but that's not the issue anymore. I know I did things wrong, and I don't try to place blame on the addiction it clearly made a difference in the relationship, and I wouldn't have fallen so far myself trying to be there for her. I also was saving for a ring and a wedding that she didn't know about.

 

So anyway she broke up with me over the phone, started dating a junkie a month a half later we fought over the phone for a month when she would actually talk to me. She basically just cut me off when she broke up on the phone with me. (She was using when she broke up with me.) Never gave an explanation to to why she broke up at the time.

 

After I found out she was seeing somebody new nearly 3 months after the breakup I took a look at myself and my life and knew i had to make a change for myself. i was a mess. I started working out again eating right and focusing back on myself and work.

 

5 months after she left I got a call from her mom. I missed the call, I called her back and my ex answered the phone. She ends up crying and telling me she's sorry. Asks why I even loved her. I didnt even know what to say. I said I can't talk right now, but if you want to talk call me later. (She was still seeing this other guy.)

 

She calls me and we agree for her to come over to my house and talk. She comes over we have a nice time, talk but don't get to the real stuff til just about the time she leaves. She tells me I'm an amazing boyfriend a good person and she loved me. I kinda explain I was sorry and I know how I was being wasn't the best and I'm changing for myself. At this time I don't really want her back that instant I understand I need to work on myself again. She goes to leave my house and she says to me. "I guess I'll be talking to you soon." I ask her how does that work. She replies "Mutual communication" I said ok... I expected her to reach out to me to at some point. Never does.

 

Couple months later I see her at the store she completely ignores me, I remembered her number so I texted, "just saw you, you look great" no response.

 

fast forward 8 months NC. I'm stopping in to an area that she works for my own job, at this point I'm looking the best I have in years, even better than before we met, my job is going great and I'm generally just doing awesome. As I'm walking through the complex, I see her outside her building. I naturally get a huge smile on my face. She notices me, but doesn't really react. I walk over to her say Hi, she replies with a short hi and won't look at me. Kinda starts walking away. At this point I'm thinking to myself this could be a nice time to just see hows she's doing and maybe catch up. I make a couple jokes as we enter the building and she's just super cold and almost seems angry. I start taking the hint and just ask a quick question about how's everything? how's work? She finally looks at me and responds with anger "everything is great." I was blown way back. This is the girl that broke MY heart and I didn't harass her I never bugged her I let her move on. I say "I'll guess I'll go now." she replies with "I don't care what you do" still with alot of anger in her voice and face. I just started walking away saying, "well it was nice seeing you" still with a puzzled smile on my face. She replied nice seeing you. Oh yeah, this whole time she was randomly picking up the phone and dialing it and redialing it. (office phone).

 

I just wanted to say hi and see how things were, and go on about my day.

 

Well anyway I'm in the other buildings and about 20 mins later I get a FB message from some guy...... it was her bf (apparently a new one) I didn't read it. I was told the new guy and her fight and breakup all the time.

 

TLDR - Why does she hate me after a year, and when she's the one that left me? Even when we saw each other last she said really nice things.

Edited October 28, 2015 by JQuest4eva

[Wewon]

She sounds unstable, there is no clear cause and effect to how she's acting.

 

The closest that I can come to is that she resents that you appear to be doing well now that she's out of your life and she's not doing quite so stellar and resents it.

 

Its like going to a highschool reunion and seeing that everyone has surpassed you.

[JQuest4eva]

I was just so stunned that I was treated the way I was. We spent 5 years together we may not have worked out, but I definitely was not bad to her by any means.

 

Like no how do you do or anything like that. I mean she even panicked so much she was calling her bf. Which is fine a whole different story. I ran into her brother at a get together and he told me about him. I almost feel bad.

 

I would say if she's happy that's all that matters, but it doesn't even sound like she's happy.

[theredpill]

You seem consumed by this girl after a year, with all the work you've done on yourself, you should be out there looking for someone new and better.

 

 

Wewon is spot on, ex's often can't handle the fact they messed up and their partner became an even better person than the one they met then left. I'd be tempted to just ignore her the next time you cross paths, it'll get awkward otherwise.

[JQuest4eva]

Consumed? Might be a bit much. I've been dating for the last 6 months.

 

When you share 5 years of your life with somebody not only are they your partner they're your friend. Yes, the relationship ended and we went about our lives. Does it really hurt to want to be civil with somebody and still care for somebody? It doesn't interrupt my life but feelings aren't something I believe should be ignored. My feelings are a little confused on why I was treated in such a manner.

 

That's why I asked the questions I did. I want her to be happy, I just saw 0 happiness when I saw her. That makes me sad not seeing her smile, or hearing about her being really happy. She's not a bad person.

 

The ultimate question I've been asked before. Would I take her back? Part of me wants to. The other part is I couldn't take her back if she's not happy with her self. I understand that with my own personal growth.

 

I couldn't of dated 10 months ago because I wasn't happy with me.

[wonderbug111]

Consumed? Might be a bit much. I've been dating for the last 6 months.

 

When you share 5 years of your life with somebody not only are they your partner they're your friend. Yes, the relationship ended and we went about our lives. Does it really hurt to want to be civil with somebody and still care for somebody? It doesn't interrupt my life but feelings aren't something I believe should be ignored. My feelings are a little confused on why I was treated in such a manner.

 

That's why I asked the questions I did. I want her to be happy, I just saw 0 happiness when I saw her. That makes me sad not seeing her smile, or hearing about her being really happy. She's not a bad person.

 

The ultimate question I've been asked before. Would I take her back? Part of me wants to. The other part is I couldn't take her back if she's not happy with her self. I understand that with my own personal growth.

 

I couldn't of dated 10 months ago because I wasn't happy with me.

 

My guess as a woman, is that she is still hurt (EVEN THO YOU DID NOTHING WRONG). You did not go chasing after her and she probably wanted you to. She knows she messed up. You sound like such a nice guy. She knows that and realizes what she lost. Just my take on what you've said. Good luck with your future dating. Hope you find a great girl:)

[JQuest4eva]

My guess as a woman, is that she is still hurt (EVEN THO YOU DID NOTHING WRONG). You did not go chasing after her and she probably wanted you to. She knows she messed up. You sound like such a nice guy. She knows that and realizes what she lost. Just my take on what you've said. Good luck with your future dating. Hope you find a great girl:)

 

Thanks for the kind words. Also thanks for giving a womans perspective.

 

Did nothing wrong, heh. I'm not perfect but I definitely spent the first month or two very emotionally unstable. I cried, had moments of pleading, but I never cussed her out called her names. I spilled my heart and soul. She never really did give me closure I still don't understand why she left. Nobody really does. My friends and family don't understand why she didn't want to be with me. The thing I can think of is i didn't condone the abuse. I didn't understand how she went from loving me one day to not wanting to be with me and start dating somebody else. After those two months I stopped trying and changed my life.

 

I know nobody can answer why, but insight on what may have caused her to be so mad / angry is appreciated. Or if anyone else had similar experiences.

 

She meant a lot to me and since that day I saw her it made me question the reaction.

 

braveheart69 you make a statement about losing what she lost. Wouldn't that have been the opportunity to express that? (Here's my logical thoughts for an emotional reaction.)

[frigginlost]

Thanks for the kind words. Also thanks for giving a womans perspective.

 

Did nothing wrong, heh. I'm not perfect but I definitely spent the first month or two very emotionally unstable. I cried, had moments of pleading, but I never cussed her out called her names. I spilled my heart and soul. She never really did give me closure I still don't understand why she left. Nobody really does. My friends and family don't understand why she didn't want to be with me. The thing I can think of is i didn't condone the abuse. I didn't understand how she went from loving me one day to not wanting to be with me and start dating somebody else. After those two months I stopped trying and changed my life.

 

I know nobody can answer why, but insight on what may have caused her to be so mad / angry is appreciated. Or if anyone else had similar experiences.

 

She meant a lot to me and since that day I saw her it made me question the reaction.

 

braveheart69 you make a statement about losing what she lost. Wouldn't that have been the opportunity to express that? (Here's my logical thoughts for an emotional reaction.)

 

 

Simple question, and do not take it the wrong way:

 

Did you change for you, or did you down deep change for her?

 

You do seem a little hung up on her (normal) as you are still talking about closure.

 

Usually anger = still caring, but in light of the fact that there was really no known reason on why she left the relationship, her reactions may be due in part to feelings that she just does not want to entertain having anything to do with you.

[JQuest4eva]

Simple question, and do not take it the wrong way:

 

Did you change for you, or did you down deep change for her?

 

You do seem a little hung up on her (normal) as you are still talking about closure.

 

Usually anger = still caring, but in light of the fact that there was really no known reason on why she left the relationship, her reactions may be due in part to feelings that she just does not want to entertain having anything to do with you.

 

Two parts and being honest.

 

My change wasn't a change to something different, but a return to what I once was, healthy, motivated, energetic, outgoing. The relationship changed me in a negative way because of the unstableness of her and her substance abuse. I became a recluse, I only worked and sat around. We had fun but nothing like we did when we first met. In hind sight I know I choose things over her because I was always afraid she was going to have a bad day and we would end up fighting (Not the right choice, I know). She was on the higher end of the BPD spectrum I could go on about the traits she possessed, but I'm not trying to make it a negative for her. I realized if I wanted to have a good relationship, with her or ANYONE else I needed to change for the better. I wasn't happy with what I was.

 

Hung up? Ok, maybe a little. I don't think about her very often but she was a woman that I wanted to marry. I talk about the closure because I just saw her again after 10 months, and having two VERY different distinct reactions. 10 months ago when she came over, she cried told me all the very nice things about us and me, then how we should keep in touch etc etc. Then the next time we see each other it's purely a what the F moment. In all honesty the way she treated me during the relationship and how she broke up with me I should be the angry one. I don't know how many times HER family was like why aren't you mad at her? Her parents would tell me you're better to us then our own kids. Crap, maybe she resents me....... Why now though? She use to love that her parents loved me.

 

Anger = still caring, I've heard this statement before. Where hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. It seems pretty apparent she didn't want anything to do with me by the way she talked to me. That's the part I've yet to accept and don't understand. Even though I could tell when my back was turned she didn't look away, she just couldn't look me in the eye, except when she said "I don't care what you do" and "Everything is great". With an angered / pained look on her face. Other than that she wouldn't look at me when i was making small talk, but would look as I was walking around the room talking and browsing the shelves.

 

I guess I'd hate for the reason we broke up was because of addiction. Not directly but everything that the addiction caused in our relationship. It would almost be like it was a lie of a relationship because for her to be able to do those things would mean she couldn't be with me. I didn't like drinking with her because she would get all sorts of "not healthy" when she would drink. Where me on the other hand smile, laugh, and flirt the crap out of her and she would eat it up, but once she got her buzz it was over.. Which didn't take much. She never understood how much I loved her, and wished would of been able to have nights that were fun all night and didn't fight. When I tried to talk to her about it she told me I was trying to control her. She would have really bad nights and then end up apologizing to me and I would forgive her. She would say she wans't going to drink again because she didn't like what she would do. That would last for a few months and it would be great again. This also happened with other drugs, but same scenario.

Edited October 29, 2015 by JQuest4eva

[Httm]

Why do you keep approaching and contacting this woman? Sounds like your days of introspection were not very thorough.

[JQuest4eva]

Why do you keep approaching and contacting this woman? Sounds like your days of introspection were not very thorough.

 

Keep? Once in 10 months?

 

Such a vague comment.

 

Expand.

[contel3]

If I remember correctly BPD people are extremely scared of abandonment....so even if she was the one to leave she probably resents you/ thinks it's your fault the relationship ended.

 

I would just leave it be. It's sad to ignore someone you've been together with for five years....but if you value your sanity, cut her off completely.

[frigginlost]

Two parts and being honest.

 

My change wasn't a change to something different, but a return to what I once was, healthy, motivated, energetic, outgoing. The relationship changed me in a negative way because of the unstableness of her and her substance abuse. I became a recluse, I only worked and sat around. We had fun but nothing like we did when we first met. In hind sight I know I choose things over her because I was always afraid she was going to have a bad day and we would end up fighting (Not the right choice, I know). She was on the higher end of the BPD spectrum I could go on about the traits she possessed, but I'm not trying to make it a negative for her. I realized if I wanted to have a good relationship, with her or ANYONE else I needed to change for the better. I wasn't happy with what I was.

 

Gotcha. That's exactly what I was "looking" for. It was introspection on yourself that motivated you. That's the way it needs to be done. Great job.

 

Hung up? Ok, maybe a little. I don't think about her very often but she was a woman that I wanted to marry. I talk about the closure because I just saw her again after 10 months, and having two VERY different distinct reactions. 10 months ago when she came over, she cried told me all the very nice things about us and me, then how we should keep in touch etc etc. Then the next time we see each other it's purely a what the F moment. In all honesty the way she treated me during the relationship and how she broke up with me I should be the angry one. I don't know how many times HER family was like why aren't you mad at her? Her parents would tell me you're better to us then our own kids. Crap, maybe she resents me....... Why now though? She use to love that her parents loved me.

 

The time that she cried and told you all the nice things, you mentioned that you asked her what that meant and she stated "mutual communication" I believe. Did you initiate any contact with her after that, or did you wait for her to do it?

 

 

Anger = still caring, I've heard this statement before. Where hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. It seems pretty apparent she didn't want anything to do with me by the way she talked to me. That's the part I've yet to accept and don't understand. Even though I could tell when my back was turned she didn't look away, she just couldn't look me in the eye, except when she said "I don't care what you do" and "Everything is great". With an angered / pained look on her face. Other than that she wouldn't look at me when i was making small talk, but would look as I was walking around the room talking and browsing the shelves.

 

In my opinion, those reactions are in direct correlation to the interactions you had with her the previous time you saw her. What happened after the first interaction may play a role in this...

 

 

I guess I'd hate for the reason we broke up was because of addiction. Not directly but everything that the addiction caused in our relationship. It would almost be like it was a lie of a relationship because for her to be able to do those things would mean she couldn't be with me. I didn't like drinking with her because she would get all sorts of "not healthy" when she would drink. Where me on the other hand smile, laugh, and flirt the crap out of her and she would eat it up, but once she got her buzz it was over.. Which didn't take much. She never understood how much I loved her, and wished would of been able to have nights that were fun all night and didn't fight. When I tried to talk to her about it she told me I was trying to control her. She would have really bad nights and then end up apologizing to me and I would forgive her. She would say she wans't going to drink again because she didn't like what she would do. That would last for a few months and it would be great again. This also happened with other drugs, but same scenario.

 

Can you expand a little on how she thought you were trying to control her? Were you just explaining to her how she acted, or were you telling her how she reacted when drinking?

 

I was married to a woman that would flip like a lightswitch when she was drinking. I would tell her what she was like, and she would claim I was controlling etc. Turns out, when I switched gears and explained instead of told, she understood.

 

I don't think your relationship was a lie at all, btw.

[wonderbug111]

Thanks for the kind words. Also thanks for giving a womans perspective.

 

Did nothing wrong, heh. I'm not perfect but I definitely spent the first month or two very emotionally unstable. I cried, had moments of pleading, but I never cussed her out called her names. I spilled my heart and soul. She never really did give me closure I still don't understand why she left. Nobody really does. My friends and family don't understand why she didn't want to be with me. The thing I can think of is i didn't condone the abuse. I didn't understand how she went from loving me one day to not wanting to be with me and start dating somebody else. After those two months I stopped trying and changed my life.

 

I know nobody can answer why, but insight on what may have caused her to be so mad / angry is appreciated. Or if anyone else had similar experiences.

 

She meant a lot to me and since that day I saw her it made me question the reaction.

 

braveheart69 you make a statement about losing what she lost. Wouldn't that have been the opportunity to express that? (Here's my logical thoughts for an emotional reaction.)

 

Yes, you're being way too logical. Women (myself included) aren't always. Vee R rooooled by eeemotion. U know dis? Yes? I can tell you love her but until she gets over her addiction/ substance abuse prob, she's always going to be wickywack. Stop trying to figure her out. If she gets clean, then you've got something to work with;)

[mightycpa]

My guess as a woman, is that she is still hurt (EVEN THO YOU DID NOTHING WRONG). You did not go chasing after her and she probably wanted you to. She knows she messed up. You sound like such a nice guy. She knows that and realizes what she lost. Just my take on what you've said. Good luck with your future dating. Hope you find a great girl:)

Yeah, that's what I think. When I read this:

She replies "Mutual communication" I said ok... I expected her to reach out to me to at some point. Never does.

I thought, uh-oh, he missed the clue she put in front of him. Ironically, her communication was quite poor. I interpreted that to mean it was your turn to reach out, because she had already reached out to you. You never did, she got pissed off about it.

 

When my very first gf broke up with me, I didn't object, and I didn't ask why. I just said ok and goodbye. She didn't say a word, she just glared at me in reply. Because I was dense, I couldn't figure out why, so I left. I never talked to her again, and whenever I thought about that, I always rejected the idea that she was angry that I responded the way I did, because it seemed like such a ****ty thing to do. You're probably struggling with the same kind of denial. But what else could it be?

[frigginlost]

Yeah, that's what I think. When I read this:I thought, uh-oh, he missed the clue she put in front of him. Ironically, her communication was quite poor. I interpreted that to mean it was your turn to reach out, because she had already reached out to you. You never did, she got pissed off about it.

 

When my very first gf broke up with me, I didn't object, and I didn't ask why. I just said ok and goodbye. She didn't say a word, she just glared at me in reply. Because I was dense, I couldn't figure out why, so I left. I never talked to her again, and whenever I thought about that, I always rejected the idea that she was angry that I responded the way I did, because it seemed like such a ****ty thing to do. You're probably struggling with the same kind of denial. But what else could it be?

 

Exactly what I was thinking Mighty.

[Kehv]

My guess as a woman, is that she is still hurt (EVEN THO YOU DID NOTHING WRONG). You did not go chasing after her and she probably wanted you to. She knows she messed up. You sound like such a nice guy. She knows that and realizes what she lost. Just my take on what you've said. Good luck with your future dating. Hope you find a great girl:)

 

Well I don't blame him. All over the internet it says not to chase an ex, especially if she has met someone new (rebound?). I do think it's the best way to go in most cases.

That being said, How do you know a girl wants you to chase her?? She was the one to dump him, she was the one who got with someone else (or multiple people).

 

Is it because she's too stubborn to call him? Afraid to admit she messed up?

What IF he had been chasing her, would she've came back eventually?

 

Even so, being angry at someone who's not chasing you because you threw the towel in the ring and got with another guy even one year after it happened... sounds like this woman has some issues.

 

Also, we all know if a woman is angry it's a sign she still cares.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that not everyone will like you.

 

Be glad you don't hold the same animosity towards her and keep moving forward. If anything her personality and reaction to seeing you should reinforce the fact that the universe did you a favor in breaking you two up.

[Kehv]

Thanks for the kind words. Also thanks for giving a womans perspective.

 

Did nothing wrong, heh. I'm not perfect but I definitely spent the first month or two very emotionally unstable. I cried, had moments of pleading, but I never cussed her out called her names. I spilled my heart and soul. She never really did give me closure I still don't understand why she left. Nobody really does. My friends and family don't understand why she didn't want to be with me. The thing I can think of is i didn't condone the abuse. I didn't understand how she went from loving me one day to not wanting to be with me and start dating somebody else. After those two months I stopped trying and changed my life.

 

I know nobody can answer why, but insight on what may have caused her to be so mad / angry is appreciated. Or if anyone else had similar experiences.

 

She meant a lot to me and since that day I saw her it made me question the reaction.

 

braveheart69 you make a statement about losing what she lost. Wouldn't that have been the opportunity to express that? (Here's my logical thoughts for an emotional reaction.)

 

There are a lot of story's on this site of a woman leaving out of the blue, including me. Often they give no reasons or a hundred reasons. Post breakup everything was fine/great and there were hardly any signs she wasn't happy.

 

Women often want you to find out the reason why they broke up with you, they mostly don't tell it to you straight. Maybe the romance was gone, you didn't do something she asked you to do, worked too much ... whatever the case there was something she wasn't happy about.

 

Perhaps, she just thought she could do better than you, which I think is the case with me and my ex.

My ex dumped me 4 months ago (6yr relationship) after she secretly went on a date with a colleague. I have been thinking about it a lot and there were almost no signs she wasn't happy before she dumped me.