Jimbo123 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Hello all! New to this forum. Thank you in advance for reading my thread. Your feedback is genuinely appreciated. Broke up approx 2 months ago, however still very in love, hurt, confused, and all of rest. Together for 6 months. Rewind - Sparks flew from the moment she and I met. We got to know each other for about a month, hung out a couple of times, and did not rush into anything. After about a month of chatter and hanging out we became "exclusive." Approx 1.5 months into the relationship after being exclusive, I asked her if I could use her computer to attend to a work phone call I had gotten. No problem on her part. I opened the computer which had her emails up and a Google hangouts chat box with a male name. I got curious and quickly scanned over the content of the chat. Almost instantly my heart started rapidly beating and sank. The content was going down memory lane with this ex lover as well as sharing info about our relationship - private details. I closed the computer. She asked me why am I being quiet. I was trying to process my feelings before I addressed it. I advised her what I learned on her computer and she immediately became distruaght, begging and pleading her case. That she never had a boyfriend, the man had a hold on her with manipulation, etc. I believed in her and remained on board.... Though I remained in board, I then wanted to do some further diligence on her background and the type of person I'm getting involved with. I asked a bit about her past and came to find out she was very promiscuous before. I was left very uneasy, but I was in love and wanted to play it out. Over time, my trust for her was diminished and I regrettably started snooping through her phone, emails, etc constantly. It ate me alive. But I was in love. The communication between the ex lover had absolutely ceased and overall she did a very good job at proving to me she could be trusted. I need to mention that through my snooping I came upon conversations with her girlfriends that had comments about me prior to us dating that caused me to feel insecure about myself. So....I had no trust for her. Also, I was very insecure. So here I was, no trust for my girlfriend, insecure, and obsessive with the snooping. Even while she tried hard to prove herself to me for about 4 months. Gradually I became better or snooped less and less. However, there would be times I'd ask her to clarify things she told me over and over about her past, why she did what she did in the beginning, etc. I would ask her if she was checking out other men, all out of my own insecurity and lack of trust. So the last month and a half of our relationship she became very argumentative with me about my questions and snooping or asking to see her phone etc. All understandable but she "turned the tables" on me as if I was the reason for doing all of these things. As if I created the monster of the lack of trust. So the reason for my post ladies and gentlemen, is to get an outside perspective on this. Was I unjust in not trusting? For wanting to snoop to make sure her pleading was not just to het herself out of that situation? To ensure history wouldnt repeat itself? I could have walked off the minute I read the chat on the computer..but I didn't. Anyway we broke up obviously simply for me not being able to trust her. She pretty much had enough. The break up was contentious and we both bickered about who was right and who was wrong all while her telling me I wasn't strong enough to forgive her, forget those things, and move on...which may be true. We have NOT been in a no contact period for any lengths greater than a week. Everytime we talk, it shortly turns into an argument about who was right who was wrong, etc. Is 4 months long enough to build trust again? Was it not justified in doing my due diligence to make sure this woman would be loyal? This was out of fear to get hurt obviously. Now she has been flag out mean, harsh, foul, and very different. She tells me she misses me, and surely I miss her. Then she will instantly curse at me after a disagreement. She's hot and cold I guess you could say. I've been nothing but nice and I do not succumb to her foul mouth. I have been killing her with kindness if you will. It's inevitable we both need to enter no contact for the better good. I want to be clear by saying I would like to give us another shot down the line. Any guidance on that would be welcomed as well. I want her to miss me and regret her mistakes she made early on. I want her to feel sorry for treating me poorly during this break up. In the end I love her very much and I'm willing to forgive and move on looking at the bigger picture. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Author Jimbo123 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 I forgot to add a key piece. When I mentioned that she used to be promiscuous she was clear that the part of her life was far behind her. However because she wanted to come clean, she said that while we were "talking" prior to being exclusive she went home from the bar with a guy who she just met and slept at his house but they only "made out." So based upon what I learned of her past and her early indiscretion with the Google hangouts chat, it was extremely difficult to believe it stopped at "making out." Like how could I believe that? She beat me up on being bent out of shape over it because we weren't "exclusive." All in all It was a hard pill to swallow in believing it stopped at that. I really really liked her while we were just "talking" prior to officially dating and my feelings were hurt in learning this. FYI she shared this shortly after the Google hangouts chat was revealed as she wanted to come clean
mystikmind2005 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Well, guys do often have the habit of focusing on the detail of who is rite and who is wrong. I grew up with two older sisters, i can tell you, that is not the way to live in peace with any woman! lol Forget about the 'science' of rite and wrong and think about how you 'feel', that is what women are interested in. For what its worth, i do think you overacted quite severely.... but anyway, part of a good relationship does involve the ability to apologize even though you don't understand how/if you are wrong.
LostOnes05 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I'd say you were alright until you kept harping on checking her phone and computer. When she came "clean" and told you, at that point or soon after you should have made the decision to either stay or go, and put it behind you. No relationship can last when one doesn't trust the other. I'd give her time to sort her thoughts.
quattrob Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Trust is a really important key to a healthy and successful relationship. So the moment you started to doubt and can't trust her 100% is when your relationship started to fail. Worse thing is that you were in this "relationship" where you kept snooping and questioning her, it goes further and further and you can't ever trust her because there is little to nothing she could do to prove to you 100% that you could 100% trust her. Trust comes within you, you need "faith" in this person because you "love" her. Your insecurity got the best of you in my opinion. It does not matter who is right and who is wrong. You should feel more free now as you do not need to think about her anymore. Do you not find it stressful to question your ex/gf everytime you feel like she's not being honest? Do you enjoy snooping around her stuff? I'm sure these 2 things destroys you and her each time you do it. This is not something that you should need to do if you had faith and trust in her. Granted she may not seem honest but if you loved her, you would trust her when she came out clean. Either way, it doesn't seem like you 2 were meant for each other.
Author Jimbo123 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Thank you all for the outside perspectives. When things were good, we were very good together and had a lot of love and good memories. My problem was that the slightest trigger to a memory of her indiscretionary incident almost ruled my mind meaning I could never be fully happy or fully in the moment with her I appreciate all of you and your feedback. I wish you all best wishes with your individual situations.
mystikmind2005 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 My problem was that the slightest trigger to a memory of her indiscretionary incident almost ruled my mind meaning I could never be fully happy or fully in the moment with her Because you have never healed that wound. If you want to repair your relationship with her, You need to make peace with that wound, you need to embrace that wound, adopt that wound and make it your own, even though it is not your own.
perol Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Your mistake was that you kept at the whole lack of trust thing for way too long. You should have just dropped it after she came clean and told you everything she had to say. Truth is she could not be fully trusted but you can't constantly check up on someone for months and months and expect them to be ok with it. Sounds like it was a losing proposition from the start.
Recommended Posts