JeniMelowe Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I am a 29 year old female who has been living on my own, self sufficient and independent, for 5 years. I am used to the way I do things and not used to having to answer to anyone. Recently (in the past 2 weeks) my boyfriend of one year and I decided to move in together - he moved in with me. Needless to say, things have been tense. We fight almost every night, except for the last time we were intimate, I practically begged him to not fight with me so we could... well, do it. His fighting style is that of what I would call "the boxer." He constantly wants to jab and punch at me (verbally of course) for the sake of causing harm. He says hurtful things when he feels he is losing the argument. On the flip side, I am very sensitive and take these things very personally. The issue is that he feels like he does not have a say in this relationship. He feels like he moved into my life and has not found his place here yet. My house, my food, my friends, my parties and outings, I'm the boss, etc. But that's not what he says, instead he personally attacks me by saying I don't do enough for him sexually. That we aren't intimate enough and that I don't put in enough effort - negating the fact that we haven't been intimate often because we fight so much. Every time we are intimate, he is "so good" that I end up being satisfied while he does not. I know these things aren't true, and that he was just trying to hurt me. But how do I get him to understand that? He is the one who is having an issue fitting into this new life of ours, why do I have to be victim to his personal attacks?
stillafool Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Good thing you two moved in together because now you know you aren't compatible. If he is saying he isn't satisfied sexually he probably means it. Men don't really say this unless they are dissatisfied. You are set in your ways and use to doing things your way. Your living condiitons sound horrible and I would hate to come home to an atmosphere like yours. I think you two should split up if you want my honest opinion. 6
deadelvis Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Agreed. If he say's he's not sexually satisfied, he's not. The fighting is probably the result of his sexual frustration rather than the other way around.
CalvinM Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You don't. This relationship is done. Any time a partner uses sex as a weapon (either withholding it, or to insult you), it's bad news. He sounds immature and you sound like a control freak. 9
kendahke Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 It would probably be best for him to move back out. Can you image how much worse it would have been if you moved into his place? He's into power struggling and sounds like he resents having to live with you. If you moved in with him, does he feel he would be able to lord over you because you're in his space? It doesn't sound like he was emotionally ready to take this step. Whose bright idea was it to move in together? Did you have any disagreements at all before you did move it? This level of incompatibility doesn't spring up overnight. This most likely has been going on, but you chose to turn a blind eye to it in order to have a relationship with this particular guy. 2
GemmaUK Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 He needs to move back out and you two need to break up. 1
kendahke Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 The issue is that he feels like he does not have a say in this relationship. Why? Is your policy "my way or the highway" because it's your place? Probably would have been a better idea to move to a completely different place instead of shoe-horning him into your space and your home. He feels like he moved into my life and has not found his place here yet. My house, my food, my friends, my parties and outings, I'm the boss, etc. Well is this a true assessment on his part? Is this your policy? If so, then this is a power struggle over who has control. But that's not what he says, instead he personally attacks me by saying I don't do enough for him sexually. That we aren't intimate enough and that I don't put in enough effort - negating the fact that we haven't been intimate often because we fight so much. Every time we are intimate, he is "so good" that I end up being satisfied while he does not. I take this to mean that you do what you need to do to get what you need to get and then you check out, instead of exploring more about what it is that he likes. I can understand why he'd be angry with you--you sound like you really don't care about his needs and desires. I'm going by what you said above and it doesn't sound good. Do you have issues with communication between one another? You may think you're saying one thing, but something else gets conveyed and you're not picking up on that nuance. I know these things aren't true, and that he was just trying to hurt me. But how do I get him to understand that? He is the one who is having an issue fitting into this new life of ours, why do I have to be victim to his personal attacks? They may not be true to you, but they appear to be true to him and you can't tell him what his experience is. I'm sure you get that when he does it to you, but do you understand being on the receiving end? Yeah, you two may be great at dating when keeping your living spaces separate, but are not good with cohabitating.
Author JeniMelowe Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 1) It's not a my way or the highway situation at all. I try my best to treat him like a king. We could not have moved into a separate place all together because he has no money and no savings. He has a job now, but only after not working at all for a year. He begged me to let him move in because he was tired of living at his parents. 2) No it's not my policy, he just doesn't contribute much yet because he only just started working 6 weeks ago and doesn't have much to contribute as of yet. Everything in and around our lives belongs to me, as I've built my life over several years. Instead of building his own life, he's moved into mine, so he doesn't feel like any of it is his. 3) There have been times when we have made love for hours in the pursuit of helping him finish. He has an erectile issue so sometimes he can't get it to work. It's a source of anxiety for him so I don't like to force him to do anything unless I am SURE he is in the mood for it because if I try to initiate it and he can't preform he gets really upset. He is really good at getting me off and likes to do it often, never at my request, like I said I let him come to me so he is completely comfortable. But in this specific situation he was upset and lashed out by saying I don't do enough for him. Well, yea, because he gets upset that he can't preform the way he wants to. This has been an issue for us since the day we met, and apparently it's been an issue for him since his first sexual experience when he was very young. There have been a few times where he will take care of me and then walk away, as if he doesn't want me to do anything for him, but I am never unwilling. Taking care of me takes 5 minutes, taking care of him takes 20 min - 3 hours, and I am always up for the challenge. 5) I don't think it's that we are not good at cohabitating, I think we are both adjusting. We love each other very much and want to make this work. I really thought this was a forum for expression without fear of negative backlash. I responded to your comments because out of all of them you seem to be the only one who is speaking objectively while everyone else is criticizing me and calling me a control freak. Thanks again internet!
Author JeniMelowe Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 He's not sexually satisfied because he has an erectile disorder. Has ever since he started having sex when he was very young. If I get off and he doesn't it's because it wont stay up long enough for me to help him. Taking care of me takes 5 minutes, taking care of him takes 20min - 3 hours, and I am never unwilling to do whatever he wants me to do to make it work. I care about his sexual satisfaction very much and he knows that, which is why he used that comment to hurt me. This is something that has been going on since the day we met, and he has assured me many times before that it has nothing to do with me. I am an attractive women who has never had this issue with men I've dated previously. I've also never lived with a boyfriend before. I'm just looking for guidance and positivity in this situation. We love each other very much and deeply want to make this work.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I am a 29 year old female who has been living on my own, self sufficient and independent, for 5 years. I am used to the way I do things and not used to having to answer to anyone. The thing about a relationship is that it involves two people. The thing about men is that we like to feel needed. Not just in the bedroom, but in general. If you want to do everything yourself, then what's the point of being with someone? If you're too independent/self sufficient and you're unable to be vulnerable w/a guy, you'll probably wind up in many tense relationships.
mystikmind2005 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Many of the posts are quite hard,,, but what you are hearing is not a personal attack, what you are hearing are many peoples life experience working for you, to try and help you. I am alarmed by what is going on in your relationship, and i am sad for your future with him because it does not bode well at all. Honestly, I think most people would have drop kicked that SOB to the curb by now, seriously, it is what he deserves. As to any positive advice how to make this work, well, that is much more of a question for him to answer than anyone on this site.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 OP, has he seen a doctor about his erectile dysfunction? He needs to do so if this is ever going to improve. if he's unwilling to do that, you're basically SOL there. Also, I really think you two need to sit down and have an honest, open discussion about each of your responsibilities now. I don't mean only financially, but also cooking, cleaning, shopping. home repair and so on. Make sure each of your needs and expectations are clear, and see where both of you can compromise. He will probably start to feel like he's contributing more, which may help him through this adjustment. What will your finances look like once his paycheques start coming in? Who is going to be responsible for what, and for how much? Also, did he move from another city? I ask because you mentioned he's surrounded by your friends, your parties, etc. Does he have any type of social circle where you are? If not, it's going to be vital that he starts to build one. I am no expert, but I have previously lived with two boyfriends. The first two weeks were nowhere near as dramatic as this. In fact, they were quite happy because we were both excited about living together. It sounds like there's underlying problems here that need to be sorted as soon as possible before the relationship falls apart. You said something interesting - that he begged to you let him move in...the choice of wording is telling. Did you have some reservations? 1
Omei Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) I dont know why some people are taking from your original post that you're controlling maybe they are not reading it right but to me you seem genuinely concerned. So maybe the best way was to move into a new place together but still he picked to move in with you of course its going to be ur friends, ur food, ur parties etc. He needs to make him own space within your home he don't like the food? He should buy his own toss it in the fridge, he doesnt like your friends and parties and he should invite his own ....bet hes not doing any of that and just blaming you and expect you to make it better. I agree this relationship seems over he seems needy to me. I have lived with a few bfs all moved in with me because I was the more independent being already set up and like a past poster said it was with excitement not fights and the guys made their own space and brought their friends over imo this guy is just moaning and groaning and wants you to magically make him feel like its his home only he can do that. I feel in your original post that you're doing what you can already and the rest is up to him. Edited October 28, 2015 by Omei
ExpatInItaly Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Also, what is alarming is his conflict-resolution "skills". Him using sex to put you down is a very bad sign. The fact that he intentionally hurts you this way is terrible and his ED is no excuse. You need to pay very close attention to the underlying message there.
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Wow why would you even be with someone that beats you down daily???......that's abuse, get out now before it turns physical. 3
kendahke Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 sounds like he needed you to rescue him and now he resents you rescuing him. 1
Wewon Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I hate simply saying to toss a relationship, but there isn't anything good here for your peace of mind. Constant fighting is one of the most stressful things that you can do to someone.
joseb Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 If he has ED issues he should see a doctor. Has he? The bit I don't understand is that surely he had these all along. Was it not an issue before he moved in? 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You know the adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"....? Well.... He's broken. You CAN'T fix him. No amount of love will do this, because he's like a wounded dog you want to help, but he's angry and biting. He's "In pain" but growling at you. His pain, is caused by you (in his consciousness). You need to suggest he move out and be more independent. You will almost certainly do better living apart, than living together. Put it this way - anything's better than this.... 1
kismetkismet Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Firstly, him taking jabs as part of his dealing with conflict is not a good sign at all. People's methods of dealing with conflict are very important to the health of a relationship. Intentionally hurting you emotionally when he feels sexually unfulfilled is messed up. That said.. Has he offered some solutions so that he can feel like he is more a contributor in the relationship? do you make an effort to participate equally in his life? And have you tried switching things up in the bedroom so that he feels more fulfilled? You talk about how he has poor conflict resolution skills, but you don't say how you react to these things or how you are dealing the with the problems.
kendahke Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 5) I don't think it's that we are not good at cohabitating, I think we are both adjusting. We love each other very much and want to make this work. He wasn't in a place, mentally, emotionally, financially to be good at cohabitating and he needed to be there, first, before agreeing to move in with you: We could not have moved into a separate place all together because he has no money and no savings. He has a job now, but only after not working at all for a year. He begged me to let him move in because he was tired of living at his parents. (I'm not excusing his verbal abuse towards you here, just letting you know what it sounds like to me) All the love in the world will not vanquish resentment and he was resenting his life's experience when you met him. As I said in my previous post, he sounds like he needed you to rescue him and once you did, he began to resent you for rescuing him because your ability to have your own place with your own furniture funded by your own job is the one ability he doesn't have. It's required in order to feel like he's an adult who can take care of himself and not be at the mercy of someone else. THAT alone can contribute to a man developing feelings of being a failure which manifest as ED. Also, the woman supporting him like a parent, can feed into his feelings of inadequacy which in turn feeds the resentment and bitterness. He had a lot going on that needed to be resolved first before bringing you into it. I get that you love him and want this to work out, but you can't save him from himself. I guess my question to you is: do you respect him? I really thought this was a forum for expression without fear of negative backlash. I responded to your comments because out of all of them you seem to be the only one who is speaking objectively while everyone else is criticizing me and calling me a control freak. Thanks again internet! You're going to get some really honest and unbiased viewpoints because a lot of people here have had to learn this lesson about human nature the real hard way and had a couple pounds of flesh taken off of them in the process. Sometimes the truth comes at you with more velocity than you appreciate, but you're better served by hearing the truth than to be told a lie or given the "okey-doke". 1
kismetkismet Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Sorry I missed your other comments previously.. let me revise that to say He is being childish and cruel. He needs to grow up and get his own independent life so that he can stop taking his stuff out on you, also so that he can contribute. He also should see a doctor and/or therapist if he is going to blame his erectile issue on you. that is ridiculous. The way that people resolve conflict in a relationship is essential to its health and quite frankly he is being a baby.. he is unable to keep his life together or fix things for himself, or support him self and then takes out those issues on you - you who are healthy and have built a life for yourself that you can support financially. Not only that but you are doing some of those things FOR him (allowing him into your life, supporting him financially) and still he takes it out on you?
xcupid Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 He's not doing a very good job of making your relationship 'work' if he's putting you down and starting arguments. Just because you "love" each other very much doesn't mean you're compatible or can live together. IMO he needs: (1) medical advice for his erectile dysfunction (assuming he's not into porn?) and (2) professional advice on relationships (he has unresolved issues that need to be addressed) If he's not willing to seek help then he shouldn't be living with you because your relationship isn't healthy the way it is.
Guyouthere Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 This relationship is dead. Make the final arrangements and split physically. Damage is done. He is abusive, and you are feeling it. I would go so far to say too that perhaps you are contributing some to it all as well? Sometimes a guy can "react" if provoked. While I am a calm and decent guy, I strongly felt that my last girl put me down, and I let it slide given her stress (I am compassionate). It built up in me, to the point where I eventually told her "F-you", which hurt her (that was the worst thing I did to her). But, this guy just sounds plain abusive to me.
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