Is it OK to care about ex? girlfriend doesnt like it

[jsmith92]

I was with my ex for 4 years, we broke up after having a couple breaks. We were just fighting and in the end I didnt trust her. She took it quite hard and went quite psycho for about 3 or 4 months.

 

Its been a year now and I have just met up with her after not speaking or seeing her for three months. I do care about her but im with a new girlfriend now who i have been with for 6 months.

 

Its my third relationship now, and its the first time that i still care about an ex, my first cheated on me so quickly forgot about her. Like i said i havent seen or spoke to my ex for three months until yesterday when she asked to meet today.

 

I was very open with my girlfriend about it and told her i was meeting her, understandably she wasnt happy and i could tell. They dont get on, when i got with my current girlfriend my ex went a bit psycho as we have all known each other for a few years.

 

I'm just not sure if how im feeling is right or fair on my current girlfriend. I have explained to her i dont have feelings towards my ex like i used to but that i still do care about her, i dont hate her. My girlfreind says she understands but thinks that i shouldnt be talking to her at all.

 

Any opinions/advice?

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes.

 

Your actions are foolish and unnecessary.

You have no obligation to your ex, and should have let sleeping dogs lie.

What on earth was your motivation?

Why on earth would you think it a good idea to meet your ex, when the last you heard of her was poor behaviour?

 

(Please don't refer to her behaviour as 'psycho'. It's disrespectful, and an exaggeration of her behaviour, which I'm sure didn't warrant medical intervention, diagnosis or Medication....)

 

That said, your GF is absolutely within her rights to be upset.

 

I think your actions were inappropriate and inconsiderate.

 

And that's my opinion.

 

Advice?

if you haven't met up yet, cancel.

If you have met up, then promise your GF it will never happen again, and sever all contact with your ex.

Block, delete, deny and do not ever speak to her again.

 

It's over.

And that's the way it should stay.

[deadelvis]

Funny, I was with my ex for 4 years and we broke up a year ago. I've been with my current GF for about 6 months, and I've been NC with my ex for 3 months, and now she's asking to hang out. Sound familiar? And not surprisingly my GF doesn't want me to hang out with my ex. So I'd say given we have a practically identical situation I think my advice should be given extra consideration.

 

Don't hang out with your ex. Period. I know neither of you has feelings for each other and it's totally harmless, but that's not the issue. It's a matter of respecting your GF. She doesn't feel comfortable with you meeting your ex. End of story. If you care about her this is one of those times when you have to put her first and go back to NC with the ex. It might hurt your ex's feelings, but that's unavoidable sometimes. It's the right thing to do.

[jsmith92]

The problem with this site is there are too many people who think they no everything, you dont. I don't know everything and thats why i am asking for people's advice or opinions on the matter.

 

You say your sure she didnt warrant medical advice? How can you be sure, your not because she did.

 

My ex had to go to hospital yes because she was cutting her wrists and threatening to kill herself, she was physically abusive towards me, so she was ill. She is fine now tho which i am glad to see.

 

Im just saying that i am in a happy relationship now with my girlfriend but is it wrong or ok to still care about an ex, im just trying to understand it from other point of view.

[TaraMaiden2]

The problem with this site is there are too many people who think they no everything, you dont. I don't know everything and thats why i am asking for people's advice or opinions on the matter.

 

You say your sure she didnt warrant medical advice? How can you be sure, your not because she did.

 

My ex had to go to hospital yes because she was cutting her wrists and threatening to kill herself, she was physically abusive towards me, so she was ill. She is fine now tho which i am glad to see.

 

Im just saying that i am in a happy relationship now with my girlfriend but is it wrong or ok to still care about an ex, im just trying to understand it from other point of view.

No, it's not wrong to care.

Yes it's wrong to keep in touch with someone whose behaviour was so erratic and fragile that she needed medical intervention.

Referring to her as 'psycho' is still disrespectful, particularly if you say you care about her.

She was mentally ill.

She was psychologically affected.

She needed psychiatric intervention.

 

All too long-winded I'm sure, so we opt for the easy "cover-all-the-bases" 'Psycho'.

 

(see linked thread).

 

The woman was mentally ill.

I get you care, but that doesn't mean she has a right, or needs to be part of your life.

You can care, without obligation.

You can care without believing that you have to see her, meet her or still have her in your life.

She is no longer any responsibility of yours.

By all means, care.

 

But from a distance.

[warshaw]

Im just saying that i am in a happy relationship now with my girlfriend but is it wrong or ok to still care about an ex, im just trying to understand it from other point of view.

 

It's not wrong to care.

 

That much being said, she's an ex, and her wellbeing is no longer your concern especially when your current girlfriend- who should be the center of your attention- has an issue with it.

[jsmith92]

I have now seen her just three times in the year we have been apart. I dont have her on facebook or anything like that we just have each others numbers.

 

I'm trying to understand it from my girlfriends point of view, if she was to see her ex every now and then how i would feel. I suppose it depends on the person, if i knew there was no more feelings involved then fine and thats how i feel like she should see it as i dont talk to my ex at all or ever bring her up, my ex asked me yesterday to meet up as she was moving away.

 

Its not like im being close friends with my ex, on average so far we see how each other is doing every 4 months, and to me its nothing more then just that.

 

I just feel like its a bit extreme to never talk to an ex again, if you end on bad terms, if someone cheated for example then fine thats what happend to me in my first relationship and i havent spoke to her since, but i dont hate my ex and if she asks to meet up before she moves away then i dont see whats wrong with that, i care about her but nothing more.

 

Would be good to get more views on it.

[Elif]

I have now seen her just three times in the year we have been apart. I dont have her on facebook or anything like that we just have each others numbers.

 

I'm trying to understand it from my girlfriends point of view, if she was to see her ex every now and then how i would feel. I suppose it depends on the person, if i knew there was no more feelings involved then fine and thats how i feel like she should see it as i dont talk to my ex at all or ever bring her up, my ex asked me yesterday to meet up as she was moving away.

 

Its not like im being close friends with my ex, on average so far we see how each other is doing every 4 months, and to me its nothing more then just that.

 

I just feel like its a bit extreme to never talk to an ex again, if you end on bad terms, if someone cheated for example then fine thats what happend to me in my first relationship and i havent spoke to her since, but i dont hate my ex and if she asks to meet up before she moves away then i dont see whats wrong with that, i care about her but nothing more.

 

Would be good to get more views on it.

 

Here are some more views on it - no ex gfs in your present if you care about your current gf.

 

If your gf says she doesnt want you to have any contact with her.. but you still insist on it then it will show her that you care about the ex more. It is likely she wont trust you completely either if you keep insisting that you have contact with your ex because you care. You have to care about your present gf more.

 

IMO you should not be in a new relationship if you cannot give up the past one.

[jsmith92]

Im just trying to understand it as it is something i havent had to deal with before. I'm not being close friends with my ex, but I did meet up with her today to see how she has been for the first time in 3 months.

 

My girlfriend didnt tell me not to go or that i shouldnt but i could tell she didnt like the idea of it. I get it as i wouldnt like her meeting up with an ex either, but if i knew she had no feelings towards him then ok id let it slide. Im just trying to see if its totally wrong. I'm not planning on contacting my ex for a long time now.

[No Limit]

Sounds to me like you feel responsible for your ex's issues after you two broke up. Newflash - these are her issues, they will probably arise with her next BF too. It has nothing to do with you, and whatever your motivations might be - platonic or not - you're jeopardizing your current relationship. You hit the first nail in the coffin now, your GF will doubt your reliability (and at some point also your credibility - at that point it would be the death of your relationship). Learn to let go.

[TaraMaiden2]

Im just trying to understand it as it is something i havent had to deal with before. I'm not being close friends with my ex, but I did meet up with her today to see how she has been for the first time in 3 months.

 

My girlfriend didnt tell me not to go or that i shouldnt but i could tell she didnt like the idea of it. I get it as i wouldnt like her meeting up with an ex either, but if i knew she had no feelings towards him then ok id let it slide. Im just trying to see if its totally wrong. I'm not planning on contacting my ex for a long time now.

 

Well, pretty much everyone has said in one way or another that, yes: It's totally wrong.

 

Are you hoping someone will come in and vindicate your decision?

You've said twice now, that you wouldn't like it if your GF did it; Why are you persisting in trying to find justification in your rationale?

 

The answer is, cut off all contact.

It's ok to care and be concerned.

But your current GF feels disrespected, and you have ignored her wishes.

 

That should be all the reason you need to not continue the liaison with your ex, no matter what your intentions.

 

Best wishes.

[VeveCakes]

What is the draw to seeing your ex? Why the need so badly?

 

You aren't friends, you won't be hanging out. Put the past where it belongs and forget it.

[lana-banana]

I know a lot of people feel inclined to meet up with their exes (that is, the ones they dumped---not the other way around) just to see how they're doing and reassure themselves things are "fine". It's a mostly selfish impulse even if it seems charitable. But the important part here is that your girlfriend isn't comfortable, which is reason enough not to meet your ex. Your current girlfriend's feelings should always come first.

 

If you absolutely have to see her, like you're pretty sure she'll be at a party or something, bring your girlfriend. Anything less is disrespectful.

[carhill]

OP, at your age, which I estimate at 23 based on your username, I'd suggest not making the 'care about ex' a hill to die on, regardless of your intent. Why? At your age, relationships, and people, are still in flux and things can be perceived far differently than they are meant to be.

 

Later in life, with marriage, divorce, co-parenting, getting along with present and former in-laws and all the rest of the relationship stuff that happens, people generally settle out on this issue.

 

However, as a man, you can expect to get pushback if you mention an ex in anything but a hateful way. That doesn't mean you always will, or that it's right, but that's just how it is. So, one question you want to ask your self is do you want to be right or in a relationship? You'll answer that question for yourself, when such choices are presented to you.

 

Since this is your third relationship and, if you're 23, give it a few more iterations and learn from each one before settling in on a style that works for you. That style may be incompatible with other people and that's OK. Relationships are voluntary.

[Elif]

Im just trying to understand it as it is something i havent had to deal with before. I'm not being close friends with my ex, but I did meet up with her today to see how she has been for the first time in 3 months.

 

My girlfriend didnt tell me not to go or that i shouldnt but i could tell she didnt like the idea of it. I get it as i wouldnt like her meeting up with an ex either, but if i knew she had no feelings towards him then ok id let it slide. Im just trying to see if its totally wrong. I'm not planning on contacting my ex for a long time now.

 

 

Its time to move on. How she has been for the past 3 months is not your concern. Or did you really gain something so valuable from that meeting that is worth potentially damaging your current relationship?

If no then do not see her again. If yes then maybe you should reconsider your current relationship.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not being close friends with my ex, but I did meet up with her today to see how she has been for the first time in 3 months.

 

 

You went out of your way to see this EX. It was a scheduled planned meet up. That is overkill after a break up.

 

 

Every so often (< once per year) I bump into an EX at a work related event. I dated several men in my industry so it happens. These are spontaneous unplanned encounters. We usually spend a few minutes with pleasantries. I was pleased to hear one got a promotion a while back. They all offered condolences after my parents died. I was sad to learn that one's father died. So to that extent I still care about these men. I don't want bad things to befall them. But I would never make an effort to get together with them.

 

 

Do you see the difference between how I handle EXs & what you did? I can see where your GF was uncomfortable because you went on a date of sorts with an EX. It's also only been 90 days. Your GF probably feels like a rebound.

[jsmith92]

Yes im 23.

 

Ok I should have thought more about how my girlfriend felt about me meeting my ex, I could tell she wasnt happy but she didnt say anything to me, If it was me and I wasnt happy I would have said something.

 

I didnt get much out of seeing my ex, she is OK now, which is good after what she went through and I think as someone mentioned above, I just wanted to make sure that she was OK now.

 

I have no reason to talk to her now, and I wont.

[jsmith92]

It's also only been 90 days. Your GF probably feels like a rebound.

 

^^ Its been a year, she is not a rebound and she knows it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes im 23.

 

Ok I should have thought more about how my girlfriend felt about me meeting my ex, I could tell she wasnt happy but she didnt say anything to me, If it was me and I wasnt happy I would have said something.

I'm sorry. That's just disrespectful. If you could TELL she wasn't happy, then she didn't need to say anything. You already knew. If you knew, and you still met your ex, that was a blatant disregard for your GF's feelings.

 

I didnt get much out of seeing my ex, she is OK now, which is good after what she went through and I think as someone mentioned above, I just wanted to make sure that she was OK now.

 

What do you mean, you "didn't get much"...?

You shouldn't really have got anything....

 

Why would you want to make sure she was ok for? If she hadn't been, what would you have done?

 

I have no reason to talk to her now, and I wont.

Good move. But given your GF's feelings on the matter, that should have been your first sentiment, not your last....

 

Hopefully, you can now block her off completely and refuse to even have any connection with her at all, no matter where she is.

 

[jsmith92]

I didnt want to get much out of it, someone just asked me above if i got much out of seeing her and i was saying i didnt.

 

Its done now anyway, wont see her for a while.

[TaraMaiden2]

I didnt want to get much out of it, someone just asked me above if i got much out of seeing her and i was saying i didnt.

 

Its done now anyway, wont see her for a while.

 

No.

You should never see her again.

There is absolutely no need, requirement or obligation.

 

I was married for 23 years, with him for 26.

The day we divorced, I never even saw him again, or have ever spoken to him.

That was 11 years ago.

 

That's how it really should be for you now, too.

[jsmith92]

No.

You should never see her again.

There is absolutely no need, requirement or obligation.

 

I was married for 23 years, with him for 26.

The day we divorced, I never even saw him again, or have ever spoken to him.

That was 11 years ago.

 

That's how it really should be for you now, too.

 

Thats because your marriage ended badly more then likely with one of you betraying the other, i know what thats like my parents were together 23 yeards married for 19 they divorced and hate each other now.

 

Everyone is different, just because your exes doesnt mean you should go to the extreme of never talking again, it depends on how it ended.

[TaraMaiden2]

No.

You should never see her again.

There is absolutely no need, requirement or obligation.

 

I was married for 23 years, with him for 26.

The day we divorced, I never even saw him again, or have ever spoken to him.

That was 11 years ago.

 

That's how it really should be for you now, too.

 

Thats because your marriage ended badly more then likely with one of you betraying the other, i know what thats like my parents were together 23 yeards married for 19 they divorced and hate each other now.

 

Everyone is different, just because your exes doesnt mean you should go to the extreme of never talking again, it depends on how it ended.

 

Actually, you couldn't have wished for a more amicable divorce.

But the necessity to remain in contact when everything had been finalised, was nil.

We had two daughters. They are both close, to both of us.

I occasionally ask about their dad. He occasionally asks about me. But as for personal contact?

Unnecessary.

 

I'm sorry if I sound persistent, but then again, everyone on the thread has advised you contact was not appropriate, and never should be again.

Your GF was honestly upset by it. It's even in the title of your thread.

Yet you still maintain some kind of justification and right for your actions.

Ok, fine, if that's the way you view it.

But you sought opinions and advice.

It's a pretty unanimous response.

 

How you work this is naturally up to you. But if we include that of your GF, you're a lone voice against those of many, saying nay....

 

Best wishes.

[Els]

How would you feel if your gf scheduled a one-on-one meetup with her ex every 3 months?

 

I'm not necessarily in the 'zero contact with ex' camp, but the situations that I consider acceptable are stuff like attending a group event where the ex is present, or the occasional FB message, etc. Most people would not be okay with their partner scheduling one-on-one meetings with their ex regularly and talking about 'not having seen them for 3 months' like it's a long time!

 

You need to get your priorities straight. If your priority is your ex then leave your current R. As with many things in life, you have to make a choice.

[sandylee1]

I have now seen her just three times in the year we have been apart. I dont have her on facebook or anything like that we just have each others numbers.

 

I'm trying to understand it from my girlfriends point of view, if she was to see her ex every now and then how i would feel. I suppose it depends on the person, if i knew there was no more feelings involved then fine and thats how i feel like she should see it as i dont talk to my ex at all or ever bring her up, my ex asked me yesterday to meet up as she was moving away.

 

Its not like im being close friends with my ex, on average so far we see how each other is doing every 4 months, and to me its nothing more then just that.

 

I just feel like its a bit extreme to never talk to an ex again, if you end on bad terms, if someone cheated for example then fine thats what happend to me in my first relationship and i havent spoke to her since, but i dont hate my ex and if she asks to meet up before she moves away then i dont see whats wrong with that, i care about her but nothing more.

 

Would be good to get more views on it.

 

 

Feelings can return though.

If I were your GF and you continued to see your ex, knowing I didn't like it...then I'd be very upset.

 

I'd think my feelings meant nothing to you.

I would internally begin to detach and cut my emotions for you to save my heart

Eventually, your repeated actions would be enough to loose the love and I'd exit from the relationship.

 

If you ignore her feelings and she looses her feelings for you...then it's your own fault.

 

I had a similar situation...but it was my husband keeping contact with his Ex.

 

I told him that I wouldn't immediately leave because of it....but it was hurtful and regardless of him saying he loved me and she was just a friend...I still didn't like it.

 

I told him that I was the important one and my feelings should matter....I told him my love would start to dwindle if he ignored my feelings above his Exes. He saw sense pretty quickly.