Ridiculous doubts?

October 29, 2015

I'm not sure he knows his grammar bothers me.

So tell him. It should take all of 30 seconds to explain the difference between "your" and "you're".

Use humour. Grammar is a matter of life and death... it's the difference between "your dinner" and "you're dinner".

October 29, 2015

ok, OP, I've skimmed through the posts - read yours, however. Here's my pov:

- we all evolve, at a different pace and sometimes in different directions

- everyone needs inspiration and support and that can only be done in the company of a partner who is both supportive AND inspiring

- our needs evolve through time

- sometimes we just need to get out of that comfort zone - for all the good or the bad reasons

You can't have everything, OP. When you are single, you will do a LOT of growing and self discovery on your own - but you won't have the companionship / sex / love. Other people will bring other stuff to the table, but in all honesty, it is really really hard to find a partner who is both inspiring and who is compatible with you. And in a mood to be in a RS.

It's obvious you have itchy feet. There is no right or wrong answer. You need .... something else, something different. MAybe you are bored at your job. MAybe you are bored in your life. MAybe you are not traveling enough and are a bit unhappy. A LOT of times we project our own unhappiness on our partners because they're not.... smth enough. brave, fit, couragerous, etc. When actually, we are unhappy ourselves.

So maybe you are spending too much time with him and need some time and space on your own to figure out your own sh*t. So why don't you take some? Your partner seems perfectly nice. Do some explorations as to what exactly makes you unsettled and then learn to address it. I tell you, when something goes wrong, most people look at their partners and at their RS. Not to say that they are wrong to do so, but almost everytime, the fire is somewhere else. Careful not to play with fire, ok ? You have a very rare thing going on.

October 29, 2015

Difficult one, but how old are you? You didn't mention.

I mean the older you get the harder it is to find that connection.

October 29, 2015

Difficult one, but how old are you? You didn't mention.
I mean the older you get the harder it is to find that connection.

I'm 45. He's 50.

October 29, 2015

ok, OP, I've skimmed through the posts - read yours, however. Here's my pov:
- we all evolve, at a different pace and sometimes in different directions
- everyone needs inspiration and support and that can only be done in the company of a partner who is both supportive AND inspiring
- our needs evolve through time
- sometimes we just need to get out of that comfort zone - for all the good or the bad reasons

You can't have everything, OP. When you are single, you will do a LOT of growing and self discovery on your own - but you won't have the companionship / sex / love. Other people will bring other stuff to the table, but in all honesty, it is really really hard to find a partner who is both inspiring and who is compatible with you. And in a mood to be in a RS.

It's obvious you have itchy feet. There is no right or wrong answer. You need .... something else, something different. MAybe you are bored at your job. MAybe you are bored in your life. MAybe you are not traveling enough and are a bit unhappy. A LOT of times we project our own unhappiness on our partners because they're not.... smth enough. brave, fit, couragerous, etc. When actually, we are unhappy ourselves.

So maybe you are spending too much time with him and need some time and space on your own to figure out your own sh*t. So why don't you take some? Your partner seems perfectly nice. Do some explorations as to what exactly makes you unsettled and then learn to address it. I tell you, when something goes wrong, most people look at their partners and at their RS. Not to say that they are wrong to do so, but almost everytime, the fire is somewhere else. Careful not to play with fire, ok ? You have a very rare thing going on.

You could be very right. I am VERY bored with my job however I work 3 miles from my house, work for a city so I have AMAZING health insurance and great flexibility regarding my kids. I would love to change jobs but it's not so easy with what I'm trying to balance.

And dammit, I thought I already had my sh*t figured out;)... That's what I was doing for those 4 years post divorce. My only sister also died as I was going thru my divorce so it was an awful time. I had zero faith in the concept of love and wanted nothing to do with men. I may be having some issues in trusting and believing that he loves me and is not going anywhere. I think I pull away at times to protect myself. Like after we've had a great weekend and have been so intimate, I feel a need to distance myself in case I'm imagining all of this. Does that even make sense? Jc. I thought by this age, I'd have all my issues resolved. Instead, life just adds more. Maybe my fault finding is also a protective mechanism... Ugh... Why can't life just be easy?

Did you mean our relationship is a rare thing?

October 29, 2015

His are politics and guns (he's a firearms instructor) and mine are more fitness related.

Go paintballing together :

Seriously though, I think you're being too harsh on him. It seems you're more focused on his negatives than his positives. Nobody's perfect and the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

October 29, 2015

You could be very right. I am VERY bored with my job however I work 3 miles from my house, work for a city so I have AMAZING health insurance and great flexibility regarding my kids. I would love to change jobs but it's not so easy with what I'm trying to balance.

And dammit, I thought I already had my sh*t figured out;)... That's what I was doing for those 4 years post divorce. My only sister also died as I was going thru my divorce so it was an awful time. I had zero faith in the concept of love and wanted nothing to do with men. I may be having some issues in trusting and believing that he loves me and is not going anywhere. I think I pull away at times to protect myself. Like after we've had a great weekend and have been so intimate, I feel a need to distance myself in case I'm imagining all of this. Does that even make sense? Jc. I thought by this age, I'd have all my issues resolved. Instead, life just adds more. Maybe my fault finding is also a protective mechanism... Ugh... Why can't life just be easy?

Did you mean our relationship is a rare thing?

Time is one thing that helps after divorce but so are experiences. By closing yourself off for so long, you don't have many experiences yet, so everything is new and scary. It took me 1.5 years to start dating after divorce and a few years of dating to evolve to a point where I truly know exactly what I want. My earlier experiences helped get over the newness and scariness of different aspects.

October 29, 2015

Time is one thing that helps after divorce but so are experiences. By closing yourself off for so long, you don't have many experiences yet, so everything is new and scary. It took me 1.5 years to start dating after divorce and a few years of dating to evolve to a point where I truly know exactly what I want. My earlier experiences helped get over the newness and scariness of different aspects.

That's why he's always telling me he's my Guinea pig. That I'll "learn" (if we break up and I date some more). I could prob guarantee myself that that would take all my doubts away after I saw what else was out there but I'd lose him in the process and I don't want that. Do I really need to go experience all the uglyness of dating to figure out what I "want"?

October 29, 2015

That's why he's always telling me he's my Guinea pig. That I'll "learn" (if we break up and I date some more). I could prob guarantee myself that that would take all my doubts away after I saw what else was out there but I'd lose him in the process and I don't want that. Do I really need to go experience all the uglyness of dating to figure out what I "want"?

I think that for a lot of people, they are lacking perspective.. but you could only gain perspective from experience. You cannot get it from just thinking it out. More importantly, dating allows you to experience a wide range of people and experiences and get all of the fears and hesitations out of your system. In some ways, I was fortunate in that I didn't meet many people that I thought I had a future with, and one my longer term relationship repeated one problem from my marriage, which was a good eye opener and reaffirmed to me that I wanted a different type of woman for myself in the future.

Getting over a divorce is a process for some people. The other people jump into a relationship almost as soon as they start dating and stay in that relationship for whatever reason. There is no right or wrong way to go about things.

To me, at the end of the day, you cannot talk your way into staying in a relationship. I've been with girls that check off everything that I could want in a woman, but I could not summon the feelings no matter how much I desperately tried. You are either happy and content or you or not. Logic doesn't always enter into the equation and you can't force yourself to be readyor at the right place to be in a specific relationship.

October 29, 2015

I think that for a lot of people, they are lacking perspective.. but you could only gain perspective from experience. You cannot get it from just thinking it out. More importantly, dating allows you to experience a wide range of people and experiences and get all of the fears and hesitations out of your system. In some ways, I was fortunate in that I didn't meet many people that I thought I had a future with, and one my longer term relationship repeated one problem from my marriage, which was a good eye opener and reaffirmed to me that I wanted a different type of woman for myself in the future.

Getting over a divorce is a process for some people. The other people jump into a relationship almost as soon as they start dating and stay in that relationship for whatever reason. There is no right or wrong way to go about things.

To me, at the end of the day, you cannot talk your way into staying in a relationship. I've been with girls that check off everything that I could want in a woman, but I could not summon the feelings no matter how much I desperately tried. You are either happy and content or you or not. Logic doesn't always enter into the equation and you can't force yourself to be readyor at the right place to be in a specific relationship.

Funny that I have the feelings, just not the checklist;)

October 29, 2015

Funny that I have the feelings, just not the checklist;)

If you truly have strong feelings, then what you are doing here on the forum asking? Just enjoy your life.

The worst that could happen is that you enjoy yourself for a time and have new experiences. Sit back and relax.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Httm

October 29, 2015

Maggie,

You are spot on with your assessment. This is my dilemma. Whether or not I love him for how he loves me, or I love him for him. I feel like I love him for both reasons. When we are together I feel madly in love with him, no doubts whatsoever. But when we are apart, which is often because I am a single mom and we do not live together, doubts start to creep in my mind. We will sometimes go 3 to 5 days without seeing each other. I also find myself looking for things to be upset about in order to distance myself from him. I'm especially good at doing this after we've had a particularily wonderful weekend together and we are close as ever. You can imagine how frustrated he must be with me.

This is what happened to me last year. The guy was outside my archetype ...my doubts creeped in ... Loved the way HE loved me ...felt so good ...but I had gotten into a relationship too soon after divorce ...like a turkey with my head cut off running into the dating world. There were some red flags there in this guy which is why I ended it ...but ultimately I would have ended it anyway because I found I chose him without thinking ...and he was really my rebound relationship. Those little things would grate on me ...the lack of intelligence with some things ...ugh. Just wasn't used to that. But he was so loving and had some great qualities.

This is your first relationship ...after a long time...maybe he's your rebound?

Only you can decide ...but as others have said ...after this honeymoon period ...will you come out of the fog and still admire and respect this guy or be repulsed by him for those things you mentioned ...then you might wind up being short and curt with him on occasions. He doesn't deserve that and maybe someone else is better suited for you. In dating ...know thyself. I've got that down now and know dating outside my archetype just does not work ...but that's me. I'm a grammar queen and I couldn't deal with this.

October 29, 2015

That's why he's always telling me he's my Guinea pig. That I'll "learn" (if we break up and I date some more). I could prob guarantee myself that that would take all my doubts away after I saw what else was out there but I'd lose him in the process and I don't want that. Do I really need to go experience all the uglyness of dating to figure out what I "want"?

Sometimes it's more to figure out what you don't want.

I think the answer is yes.

October 29, 2015

Break up with him. He's not for you. Seriously, you're settling. You don't have the same interests which you can deal with when you're first dating, however, once the chemicals fade in your brain and the sex is still really good, but not AAAmAzing, you'll have nothing in common.

You are looking for ways to get mad at him after a great weekend to distance yourself. It's not fair to him or you. You're convincing yourself you love him. It should be after 2 or 3 days, "I can't wait to see him." But instead is, what can I get mad about.

October 29, 2015

Sometimes it's more to figure out what you don't want.

I think the answer is yes.

Ok so lets get technical. I actually started online dating 6 months before I met him. I went out on dates with about 15 different guys. Half of those had a second date and 1 I had about a 2 month relationship with if you want to call it that. I saw a lot of things that I did not want in a relationship. Most guys I felt were out to get laid. Plain and simple. Ugh.

Is that enough "dating" to know what I want and him not to be my rebound? I don't think he is a rebound guy after 4 yrs of no dating. I think he thinks I went out once or twice with a couple guys but I feel like I got good feel for what's out there and what I do and don't want. But who knows? Maybe I need years of that torture to fully appreciate what I have. I AM a slow learner.

October 29, 2015

I read an article the other day that said the #1 predictor of long-term relationship success is kindness.

If he is kind and supportive and respectful AND you are on the same page sexually, you are miles ahead of many other relationships.

You can talk to him about the smoking. Ask him if he will quit, since he is only an occasional smoker anyway.

The grammar - you have to understand that his shortcomings do not define YOU. If he writes "your" instead of "you're", people aren't going to be saying "Why is she with that moron?" Most people don't notice or care. The ones who do will lift their eyebrows for a moment, move on, and never think about it again. Not worth throwing your relationship away for.

Perhaps his grammar issues will teach you about acceptance and letting go of judgment. Would you want him on here nitpicking your negative qualities? None of us are perfect. Love him for who he is.

As far as the fitness, it is ok for you to be really into fitness without him sharing your passion. You can work out with friends. You can go on evening walks with him and cook healthy meals and keep him healthy without him having to be exactly like you.

It sounds to me like you have a pretty good guy here. Think very hard whether you want to throw him away for minor irritations. At the end of your life, you won't care whether he is writing your or you're. You'll care that he has stood beside you, loving you, for the whole second half of your life.

October 29, 2015

I read an article the other day that said the #1 predictor of long-term relationship success is kindness.

If he is kind and supportive and respectful AND you are on the same page sexually, you are miles ahead of many other relationships.

This is just the kind of thing I'm looking for. He is ALL these things and more. He is good to me in ways I never thought even existed. I need to quit looking for fault and enjoy what I have. Thank you for putting it into perspective:)

October 29, 2015

Break up with him. He's not for you. Seriously, you're settling. You don't have the same interests which you can deal with when you're first dating, however, once the chemicals fade in your brain and the sex is still really good, but not AAAmAzing, you'll have nothing in common.

You are looking for ways to get mad at him after a great weekend to distance yourself. It's not fair to him or you. You're convincing yourself you love him. It should be after 2 or 3 days, "I can't wait to see him." But instead is, what can I get mad about.

I disagree completely. It is important to have core similarities. Similar sense of humor, great conversation spark, the feeling of fun and love when around each other. Similar views on spending money, lifelong goals, etc.

Having similar interests is absolutely not important. Good partners will at least alternate sharing each other's interests and have time to enjoy each other's hobbies separately. What is important is enjoying your time together.

October 29, 2015

Ok so lets get technical. I actually started online dating 6 months before I met him. I went out on dates with about 15 different guys. Half of those had a second date and 1 I had about a 2 month relationship with if you want to call it that. I saw a lot of things that I did not want in a relationship. Most guys I felt were out to get laid. Plain and simple. Ugh.

Is that enough "dating" to know what I want and him not to be my rebound? I don't think he is a rebound guy after 4 yrs of no dating. I think he thinks I went out once or twice with a couple guys but I feel like I got good feel for what's out there and what I do and don't want. But who knows? Maybe I need years of that torture to fully appreciate what I have. I AM a slow learner.

There is no such thing as rebound. It is just made up gobbledegook. The 4 years was a good time to heal, become ready, and improve yourself. That being said, it does not give you dating experience. Some of your uncertainties are due to inexperience.

October 29, 2015

This is what happened to me last year. The guy was outside my archetype ...my doubts creeped in ... Loved the way HE loved me ...felt so good ...but I had gotten into a relationship too soon after divorce ...like a turkey with my head cut off running into the dating world. There were some red flags there in this guy which is why I ended it ...but ultimately I would have ended it anyway because I found I chose him without thinking ...and he was really my rebound relationship. Those little things would grate on me ...the lack of intelligence with some things ...ugh. Just wasn't used to that. But he was so loving and had some great qualities.

This is your first relationship ...after a long time...maybe he's your rebound?

Only you can decide ...but as others have said ...after this honeymoon period ...will you come out of the fog and still admire and respect this guy or be repulsed by him for those things you mentioned ...then you might wind up being short and curt with him on occasions. He doesn't deserve that and maybe someone else is better suited for you. In dating ...know thyself. I've got that down now and know dating outside my archetype just does not work ...but that's me. I'm a grammar queen and I couldn't deal with this.

I disagree with your opinion of archetypes. I, for one, am thrilled that I have ventured outside of my comfort zone. I am MUCH happier nowadays with my choice in partner.

October 29, 2015

There is no such thing as rebound. It is just made up gobbledegook. The 4 years was a good time to heal, become ready, and improve yourself. That being said, it does not give you dating experience. Some of your uncertainties are due to inexperience.

Wow. He keeps telling me this and it has made me so angry bc I didn't agree that just bc he had dated for 8 yrs that he "knew" so much more than I did about dating. I felt like... "Hello, I wasn't non-existent prior to my marriage. I dated my fair share. How does that not convert to some dating experience?"

But you are saying EXACTLY what he's been telling me. So what am I to do?

October 29, 2015

Wow. He keeps telling me this and it has made me so angry bc I didn't agree that just bc he had dated for 8 yrs that he "knew" so much more than I did about dating. I felt like... "Hello, I wasn't non-existent prior to my marriage. I dated my fair share. How does that not convert to some dating experience?"
But you are saying EXACTLY what he's been telling me. So what am I to do?

There were a lot of things I thought I knew about myself and about relationships after my 10 year relationship. However, for the first time I had to heal from a relationship that lasted a large portion of my adult life. I had to date at a new age, with different priorities, different challenges, etc. There were many things that scared/freaked me in the early dating experiences that were just down to being unfamiliar. When you are used to one partner and one way of being, anything outside of that familiar pattern is scary. That is just me and my story.

In any case, you can't THINK your way out of this one. Is it unfortunate that you met now rather than later? Perhaps, but there is nothing to be done about that.

I've asked but haven't seen an answer... When you are with him, are you happy and content and feel wonderful? Do you miss him when he is gone?

If so, what are you on here worrying about? You'll either have to let go of your worries or stay driving yourself crazy. If the answer to the above questions are not absolutely affirmative, it is a more difficult decision to make.

October 30, 2015

There were a lot of things I thought I knew about myself and about relationships after my 10 year relationship. However, for the first time I had to heal from a relationship that lasted a large portion of my adult life. I had to date at a new age, with different priorities, different challenges, etc. There were many things that scared/freaked me in the early dating experiences that were just down to being unfamiliar. When you are used to one partner and one way of being, anything outside of that familiar pattern is scary. That is just me and my story.

In any case, you can't THINK your way out of this one. Is it unfortunate that you met now rather than later? Perhaps, but there is nothing to be done about that.

I've asked but haven't seen an answer... When you are with him, are you happy and content and feel wonderful? Do you miss him when he is gone?

If so, what are you on here worrying about? You'll either have to let go of your worries or stay driving yourself crazy. If the answer to the above questions are not absolutely affirmative, it is a more difficult decision to make.

OK, I understand now. Yes, a whole new way of dating, different morals, different expectations.

I absolutely feel happy, content and wonderful when with him. I miss him immensly when we aren't together but I also know that we can't see each other due to schedules/kids which SUCKS but what are you gonna do? Dating after divorce with kids is weird to say the least.

October 30, 2015

Hi op,

I can relate to how you feel. My boyfriend is not really someone I thought I'd be in a relationship with. He has bad grammar sometimes, bad eating habits, smokes and doesn't exercise.

Sometimes he says "yous " instead of "you" in front of my friends and it embarrasses me.

But that never changed my feelings towards our relationship, I accept him for his flaws and knows he has so many good qualities too and feel very lucky to be with him. I wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the world.

So I guess the point is when you really care about someone, you really do love them for all their flaws. As other posters have said its really not logical. If you are being too logical about it, it's usually because you need to justify something.

October 30, 2015

I disagree with your opinion of archetypes. I, for one, am thrilled that I have ventured outside of my comfort zone. I am MUCH happier nowadays with my choice in partner.

So that worked for you and you found it rewarding:) I dated a few guys outside my demographic/archetype and it didn't work for me. Different values ...different mentality ...just not me. I tried. I'm glad I tried and realized my comfort zone is still my comfort zone ...but then again it's a very good comfort zone ...I prefer men who are worldly, adventurous, educated, well spoken ...etc etc. Works for me.

OP ...if this guy makes you feel connected and alive and you can see yourself on the porch swing together in 40 yrs ...then you're in the right place with the right person.

Edited October 30, 2015 by StBreton

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