wonderbug111 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I've found myself in a dilemma for the last 10 months. I've met a man who is genuinely in love with ME. He adores me. He makes me feel like the most beautiful creature on earth. We have AAAAmAzing sex. I can talk to him about anything. He is always present and available and deeply wants a future with me. He demonstrates his love to me in so many ways and I've never felt this cared for and loved by ANYONE. (Including my ex-husband who I was married to for 10 yrs). I love him too. I am deeply attached to him, emotionally and physically. When I am with him, I feel very in love with him. But when we are apart, my mind starts to think of the ways in which he may not be "right" for me. My problem lies in that he is not what I "thought" I was looking for in a man. (I was married for 10 yrs and have been divorced for 5. I did not date anyone for 4 yrs and finally felt ready to a year ago.) Now these would be more superficial things which I know are not as important as what I have described above but they are things that I'm struggling with. Some of the things are: he did not go to college and has terrible grammar (stupid maybe, but it irritates me), does not work out and is a closet smoker (huge dealbreaker in my past!), has some health issues such as asthma and allergies which constantly leave him fatigued which are not his fault but I refer back to "does not work out and is a closet smoker":rolleyes:. FYI, you'd never be able to tell he doesn't work out. He's not overweight. Our interests are also different. His are politics and guns (he's a firearms instructor) and mine are more fitness related. Our one mutual interest is Harley riding, which we both love. My question is are these things important??? Or is the way he treats me the MOST IMPORTANT THING? I hope I don't sound like an idiot. I'm just tired of having these stupid doubts all the time when he is giving me all the love and attention (emotional support) I've wanted my whole life. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
CarrieT Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 All those niddling little things will get to you. I was like that. I had a guy I loved and lived with for 11 years. Horrible grammar, never cut his hair (long ponytail), and no ambition. We met when I was 29 but by the time I was turning 40, all these things added up to someone I couldn't grow old with. But my guy loved MEEEEE for all my faults and who I was and he was really a lovely man. Long term, we just had too many differences to make for a life-long relationship work.
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 My question is are these things important??? They are as important or as irrelevant as you decide. There is no universal list of what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship. The only thing that matters is what you think. Not your friends/family, not "experts" who write articles online or in magazines, and certainly not random strangers on an internet forum! The question you need to answer is, are you happy with him? Could you be happy if he never changes? 5
Httm Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 All those niddling little things will get to you. I was like that. I had a guy I loved and lived with for 11 years. Horrible grammar, never cut his hair (long ponytail), and no ambition. We met when I was 29 but by the time I was turning 40, all these things added up to someone I couldn't grow old with. But my guy loved MEEEEE for all my faults and who I was and he was really a lovely man. Long term, we just had too many differences to make for a life-long relationship work. "Long term, we just had too many differences to make for a life-long relationship work." This isn't really true, though. He was absolutely fine with it. You couldn't get over it. There will always be differences. Either you can be happy with someone, despite any dissimilarities, or you cannot. It wasn't that you had too many differences for a life-long relationship to work. It worked for 11 years. You just couldn't let go of it and be happy. 1
Maggie4 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Those things are sooo important. I don't think he's right for you. Send him over to me, as is. Heh heh... 4
Httm Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I tried to edit my post, but apparently not in time... As for the OP, either you are happy or you are not happy. That is all that matters. Being in a similar situation as you when it comes to past relationships and where you are now, the difference is that I didn't wait 4 years to get back into dating. Those years of dating experiences have taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a partner. It is unfortunate that you did not meet him after years of experience. In the end, you are either happy or not. One can always find ways to make oneself unhappy. It is the difference between happy people and unhappy people.
CarrieT Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 "Long term, we just had too many differences to make for a life-long relationship work." This isn't really true, though. He was absolutely fine with it. Yes. He was absolutely fine with ME working three jobs to keep up our standard of living while he was only capable of getting a job as a night stock-clerk at Target. It wasn't that you had too many differences for a life-long relationship to work. It worked for 11 years. You just couldn't let go of it and be happy. I couldn't be happy knowing he was functionally illiterate to the extent that he couldn't have an email address because he couldn't learn to type on a keyboard. Ultimately - yes - I could not be happy supporting someone who had no aspirations for his own life.
Author wonderbug111 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 I tried to edit my post, but apparently not in time... As for the OP, either you are happy or you are not happy. That is all that matters. Being in a similar situation as you when it comes to past relationships and where you are now, the difference is that I didn't wait 4 years to get back into dating. " Those years of dating experiences have taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a partner. It is unfortunate that you did not meet him after years of experience. " In the end, you are either happy or not. One can always find ways to make oneself unhappy. It is the difference between happy people and unhappy people. He tells me this all the time. He's been divorced for 8 years and been on the dating scene obviously longer than me. He tells me there will always be things you get or give up. NO ONE IS PERFECT. I get that. I love the qualities in him that I have frankly never come across before. And I don't think I ever will again. Damnit! I want someone to give me the answer;)
Ami1uwant Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 He tells me this all the time. He's been divorced for 8 years and been on the dating scene obviously longer than me. He tells me there will always be things you get or give up. NO ONE IS PERFECT. I get that. I love the qualities in him that I have frankly never come across before. And I don't think I ever will again. Damnit! I want someone to give me the answer;) The answer is with you and what you want. For me the smoking is a dealbreaker. The fact he doesn't have a degree could matter. The Grammer thing...is this being nitpick or has writing is incoherent?? He can't do anything with the asthma and allergies. You complain he doesn't work out but working out is part of the issue. The workout causes asthma attacks. I have severe asthma so hi impact things like running long distances I could never do. I could play sports because it involved usually some short break.
Author wonderbug111 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 The answer is with you and what you want. For me the smoking is a dealbreaker. The fact he doesn't have a degree could matter. The Grammer thing...is this being nitpick or has writing is incoherent?? He can't do anything with the asthma and allergies. You complain he doesn't work out but working out is part of the issue. The workout causes asthma attacks. I have severe asthma so hi impact things like running long distances I could never do. I could play sports because it involved usually some short break. Ugh! The smoking thing SHOULD be a deal breaker but he's never smoked in front of me. I've never smelled it on him. He just was honest and told me he will smoke a cig every once in awhile if he gets stressed at work. He USED to be a "smoker". Now he's not according to him. He will bum one off a co-worker or he hides a pack at work. Who knows? I despise smoking!!! Sorry to offend anyone. His writing is fine except for using your And you're wrong all the time. Ok. I'm a bit of a grammar nazi. That's nit picky I know. It bothers me more when he doesn't speak properly like saying "you complain he don't work out" instead of doesn't. Overall, he's an intelligent man who just doesn't speak correct English. It's not horrible, but I cringe when he says something wrong. As far as working out, he's told me he used to run a lot. I run all the time and workout (boot camps) and he says he wants to run again but has only made it out twice and then lost interest. He has no interest in lifting weights which is a very foreign concept to me. I've always been attracted to muscle so I've never been with someone who didn't work out. I grew up in an athletic family of coaches and swam in college. I've competed in figure shows and triathlons. He by no means has to be this involved, but just for the sake of his own health, I wish there was more interest but I don't say a word about it. Anyways, these are all legit concerns I guess. But I feel like I would be full of regret if I walked away from him.
Ami1uwant Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 .e personally I found working out to be boring or like a job maybe if I had someone I did it with it might be different. I would take playing sports over lifting weights any day of the week. You need to put your foot down on him smoking and tell him to stop. With his asthma this complicates it further. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him..it will be a short one.
Ami1uwant Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 If I was the one with you I'd say things differently to push your buttons.
Httm Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Ugh! The smoking thing SHOULD be a deal breaker but he's never smoked in front of me. I've never smelled it on him. He just was honest and told me he will smoke a cig every once in awhile if he gets stressed at work. He USED to be a "smoker". Now he's not according to him. He will bum one off a co-worker or he hides a pack at work. Who knows? I despise smoking!!! Sorry to offend anyone. His writing is fine except for using your And you're wrong all the time. Ok. I'm a bit of a grammar nazi. That's nit picky I know. It bothers me more when he doesn't speak properly like saying "you complain he don't work out" instead of doesn't. Overall, he's an intelligent man who just doesn't speak correct English. It's not horrible, but I cringe when he says something wrong. As far as working out, he's told me he used to run a lot. I run all the time and workout (boot camps) and he says he wants to run again but has only made it out twice and then lost interest. He has no interest in lifting weights which is a very foreign concept to me. I've always been attracted to muscle so I've never been with someone who didn't work out. I grew up in an athletic family of coaches and swam in college. I've competed in figure shows and triathlons. He by no means has to be this involved, but just for the sake of his own health, I wish there was more interest but I don't say a word about it. Anyways, these are all legit concerns I guess. But I feel like I would be full of regret if I walked away from him. You seem determined to only date a specific archetype. I don't see why his choices matter to you, if you are still attracted to him. You can go back to dating those types, but then you have no right to complain if you don't find someone that has all the amazing parts of this relationship.
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You can encourage him to quit smoking over time, and introduce him to hiking trips. As for grammar, that would be a deal breaker for me. I would find it embarrassing to tell you the truth. Especially in front of friends and family....they'd be all lookin at you and wonder wtf? In order for him to change that would be going to night school, and like he would do that eh. 2
JonasD Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 My reply may not help you at all, but it's the best I've got. Those things that bother you don't matter... until they do; I've heard of similar cases in which people just get tired of having to put up with things that bother them about their partner trying to not give those things importance, until they reach a tipping point. The more you think about what bothers you in your partner, the more relevant it is for your well-being with him. Unfortunately, this is not a question you should be asking to other people. If I was in your situation, I would like to talk to my partner about what bothers me and try to work together with her; in the end, a relationship that is worth your while requires TWO people that actively WORK on it. However, in my opinion it all really comes down to your own personal perspective/beliefs/priorities/goals/etc and only you can figure this one out. Best of luck! 1
Author wonderbug111 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 If I was the one with you I'd say things differently to push your buttons. Haha... Maybe he does too;)
Author wonderbug111 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 You seem determined to only date a specific archetype. I don't see why his choices matter to you, if you are still attracted to him. You can go back to dating those types, but then you have no right to complain if you don't find someone that has all the amazing parts of this relationship. Honestly, this is exactly the point I'm trying to get to. I'm used to a certain type of guy. He does not fit the mold HOWEVER, has that type of guy ever worked out for me? Nope.... Don't most people date the same archetype? Maybe I'm supposed to be broadening my horizons and going deeper...and he does go deeper
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Compromise and evolve together. That is what most healthy relationships do. 1
Httm Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Honestly, this is exactly the point I'm trying to get to. I'm used to a certain type of guy. He does not fit the mold HOWEVER, has that type of guy ever worked out for me? Nope.... Don't most people date the same archetype? Maybe I'm supposed to be broadening my horizons and going deeper...and he does go deeper I caught myself dating a certain type of girl and then pushed myself to evolve. Not everyone can break patterns that don't work. Most people fear change. If you feel love and there are no real problems... in the end, only you can decide. 1
Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Haha... Maybe he does too;) Next time he uses bad grammar just playfully ask if he is trying to push your buttons since he knows it bothers you. (He may play along wondering if he should know that). But try not to be too condescending and go on and on since the poor guy's parents and teachers apparently never corrected him or stressed the importance. If he gets pissy just tell him it's a good thing he is sexy. Keep it light. As far as smoking, he doesn't smoke in front of you so a cigarette once in a while is not the worst thing. 1
Maggie4 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 These are not things that you just found out 10 months later. The grammar, the physical activities, etc. are things that people discover in the very beginning. Yet you allowed feelings to develop. I think he loves you, and you love that he loves you. Or rather, I should say that his love has touched you, and you in turn became attached. What if one day the attention he showers on you wanes? When the honeymoon phase is over, do you have a man you're proud of? Sounds like you have a good man there overall. If you love him for his other qualities (ex. honesty, work ethics, courage, loyalty, etc.), then I'd say you try to overlook his "faults". If you love him because of how special he makes you feel, how attentive he is, then I'd advise you to move on, because any man can do/say things to woo a woman. 2
Author wonderbug111 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Next time he uses bad grammar just playfully ask if he is trying to push your buttons since he knows it bothers you. (He may play along wondering if he should know that). But try not to be too condescending and go on and on since the poor guy's parents and teachers apparently never corrected him or stressed the importance. If he gets pissy just tell him it's a good thing he is sexy. Keep it light. As far as smoking, he doesn't smoke in front of you so a cigarette once in a while is not the worst thing. I'm not sure he knows his grammar bothers me. His mom died when he was 4 and his dad raised 6 kids almost all by himself, so he received little to no attention growing up. 2 of his brothers committed suicide and one was killed in a car accident. Rough life to say the least. Grammar was probably not on his list of priorities. I like your "good thing you're sexy" comment. That's a great mood lightner. Edited October 28, 2015 by braveheart69
Author wonderbug111 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 These are not things that you just found out 10 months later. The grammar, the physical activities, etc. are things that people discover in the very beginning. Yet you allowed feelings to develop. I think he loves you, and you love that he loves you. Or rather, I should say that his love has touched you, and you in turn became attached. What if one day the attention he showers on you wanes? When the honeymoon phase is over, do you have a man you're proud of? Sounds like you have a good man there overall. If you love him for his other qualities (ex. honesty, work ethics, courage, loyalty, etc.), then I'd say you try to overlook his "faults". If you love him because of how special he makes you feel, how attentive he is, then I'd advise you to move on, because any man can do/say things to woo a woman. Maggie, You are spot on with your assessment. This is my dilemma. Whether or not I love him for how he loves me, or I love him for him. I feel like I love him for both reasons. When we are together I feel madly in love with him, no doubts whatsoever. But when we are apart, which is often because I am a single mom and we do not live together, doubts start to creep in my mind. We will sometimes go 3 to 5 days without seeing each other. I also find myself looking for things to be upset about in order to distance myself from him. I'm especially good at doing this after we've had a particularily wonderful weekend together and we are close as ever. You can imagine how frustrated he must be with me.
Maggie4 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Instead of asking, why do I doubt him when we're apart? You can just as easily ask, why do I love him when we're physically together? One possible answer: lust. I don't mean anything sordid, but just the physical needs for affection that normal humans have. Perhaps you were already missing that affection during your marriage and then you were alone for some time after your divorce, you do need that in your life now. There could also be a component of you pushing him away. You are independent, you're not hunting for a husband, you have children, maybe you don't want anyone to get too close to you right now. If you get upset with him often, when he hasn't done anything wrong, it is not good.. As we get older, we become set in our ways, and sometimes less able to handle differences. I still think you have a pretty good man there. If you understand your own feelings, you can be more rational and treat him fairly. I think you should give it more time. 1
joseb Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I don't think your doubts are ridiculous. If you do want to stay with him, how willing is he to make adjustments - I mean giving up smoking should be a no brainer, especially for someone with asthma - but he would need to want to do it himself - does he? Next is the exercise - I have slight asthma and exercise is actually what prevents it becoming a problem - I just need to warm up slowly, and be careful about high intensity stuff. I think moderate exercise should help. Plus there are obvious other benefits, like more energy, stamina, etc. Lifting weight? Personally I hate it, bores me to pieces, cant do the gym thing. I do some pull ups and push ups when out on a run/after. Plus I'll use a mates kettle bell occasionally. Guys do need to do some kind of strength stuff as they get older. Maybe start off with stuff like that? Tell him it's good for the testosterone Now the grammar think. I think that's tricky. He may well have some embarrassment about it and resent you correcting him if you do. Or he may not. I remember one girl I went out with, pretty, smart, but terrible grammar (very like your BF). I tried to gentle help but it backfired badly and she dumped me (though at that stage there were other issues also). Stuff like your and you're - I think you should let that slide. I mean, if I'm at work and sending something important I'll make sure I don't make that mistake, but with casual chats, LS posts(!) etc I really cbf. Interests - at least you have the harley thing. Could you maybe take an interest in politics - that seems reasonable. Instead of asking, why do I doubt him when we're apart? You can just as easily ask, why do I love him when we're physically together? One possible answer: lust. I don't mean anything sordid, but just the physical needs for affection that normal humans have. Perhaps you were already missing that affection during your marriage and then you were alone for some time after your divorce, you do need that in your life now. . Yeah I was thinking this too.. Also, you seem more wrapped up in the fact that he loves you. I mean that's great, but really I'd never be with someone just because they really really loved me. That would be unfair on them.
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