Eternal Sunshine Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 This includes online people, married people, anyone. It has now been 5 years since I have had an interest, not even "love", just a sustained interest in someone. At most, I would now develop a passing interest, as in hours or few days in someone - then it would go away completely. I feel like responding to messages from them becomes a chore, seeing them is a chore and generally, I just want to be alone and look forward to not having to spend time with them. I never connect with them on any level apart from passing sexual attraction. I don't even get unrequited crushes on unavailable people that I did when I was younger. I read posts in dating section about women that have their hearts broken and I envy their intensity of feeling. I used to be like that and now I am just indifferent. I never get romantic fantasies anymore, just sexual ones occasionally. This may sound weird but I re-read my recent thread about a guy that I had 1 date with that I liked. He left to go camping for a week. He never contacted me but by the time he was supposed to come back from camping, I literally forgot he even existed. It took me few days to be "oh Mike never texted". I didn't feel rejected or hurt. I just felt sad that I didn't care more because this was a date with someone I was attracted to and my level of detachment is scary. I still get excited by work and travel, feel emotions for family, friends, pets; it's just dating and love that I am indifferent to. I thought this is a phase that would pass but after 5 years; I don't think it's passing. Granted I have met very, very few smart and available men, probably less than handful in the last 5 years. I am not sure if I should keep pushing myself to date or just accept it and stop trying to force it. Maybe this is just it for me on the love front?
Jejangles Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 It sounds to me like you have shut down that part of yourself due to past hurt. Is that possible? It kind of sounds like a self protective thing - it's hard to get hurt if you don't care or get invested. I can go quite long periods without having an interest in someone. I online dated for years (like probably 4 years, and 30 plus dates) before meeting someone I wanted to go on more than three dates with. After that break-up, it took over a year before I met anyone I wanted to pursue. But after that went downhill it only took me a month before I met someone I was interested in after that. And now it's been two months since that ended and I am interested in someone new. This change in interest levels didn't just happen. I did a fair amount of work on myself over the last couple of years and realised I had to be more open to rejection and heartache if I ever want to connect with someone. So I would say I have only been able to feel more interest through being honest with myself about why I was struggling to connect, and since then, I have seen a lot more opportunities. It's likely those opportunities were there all along during my 4 year dry spell, but I just wasn't open to them. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I think it's great that you're too seasoned at dating and too clever to think about investing in someone (most people suck) I also think you sound like my friend; she's indifferent to men. She is also a model and a podiatrist. And she has a great personality. Therefore, she has such high standards that the cute doctors or cute men with better jobs than her and who match her intellectually, these men all treat her like an option. Men with beautiful model types to choose from are more choosy......... I also question the nature of ny friends aloofness. But I know she is capable of feeling crazy about a guy.....at least I think she is.........she cried about one man dumping her three or 4 years ago........ You're either numb to love due to all the men you have felt intensely for subsequently rejecting you and it being one sided, OR, you're numb AND you're standards are so unrealistic that you just don't even open yourself to plenty of decent men (who may earn less than you and be less successful and less accomplished) 2
carhill Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 It has now been 5 years since I have had an interest, not even "love", just a sustained interest in someone. Yeah, pretty much same. I do recall a more than passing interest in one person but she was married and, in line with my boundaries on that milieu, that interest got processed out and, even though she's now divorced, it's gone. It's like I'd like to feel it again but the timeline is set and what's done is done. However, by handling it that way, she remained a valued friend and from my chair that's mutual. Since that time, probably 3+ years now, zippo. I don't see that as remarkable, rather going my own way. If I were your age and never married, I'd probably be a bit miffed about that. At my age, nah, BTDT.
seekingluck Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Totally. In fact right now is the first time I have actually been really interested in someone in a while. There was someone I was interested in 2 years ago. We dated a bit but he was a bad match. Before that? Not sure! I guess I am just not meeting enough interesting people or I don't care enough.
introverted1 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 It has now been 5 years since I have had an interest, not even "love", just a sustained interest in someone. About the same. It makes me sad in that I miss the feeling of being excited about a new person and of (at least some of the time) falling in love. But I just don't seem to meet men who engender those feelings. 1
jen1447 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 What's the longest you have gone without an interest in anyone? A few minutes. 3
candie13 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 A few minutes. This^^^ sorry, OP, can't help you here ! you should do what comes natural to you.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 The longest it's been for me is a couple of years during a sad, self-reflective time after a hard breakup. Sometimes it takes me a while to find someone on the same wavelength, but so far it hasn't been longer than a couple of years. I am not sure if I should keep pushing myself to date or just accept it and stop trying to force it. Maybe this is just it for me on the love front? If I recall correctly, you don't want kids? If that's the case, I don't think time is as big a factor. Yes, in general, men are more interested in younger women, so time is always a consideration. But people find love at all ages. So as always, I think you should do what makes you happy. I'm sure that eventually you'll meet someone who will surprise you. 1
No_Go Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I'm just curious - how old are you? What you describe could be just a part of "identity/life crisis"? I think I experience something like this. I'm now in my early thirties. I love my BF very much, but it is VERY different from the (unrequited) superintense romantic crushes that I had when I was younger. And you know what? I'm actually happier that way. I just can't think of exerting this strong intense emotional energy that I used to experience. Now I can actually use the energy to BUILT: a relationship, career and eventually family. Apart from the age aspect, I think there is a cultural one too. I am from Eastern Europe, lived in Western Europe and now the US. Dated Latin and American men. Intensity of emotion (outwards) I rate as Latin>Eastern E.>American>Western E. I emphasize it is the WAY of expressing emotions, not the emotions themselves, but it may make a difference in the perception. This includes online people, married people, anyone. It has now been 5 years since I have had an interest, not even "love", just a sustained interest in someone. At most, I would now develop a passing interest, as in hours or few days in someone - then it would go away completely. I feel like responding to messages from them becomes a chore, seeing them is a chore and generally, I just want to be alone and look forward to not having to spend time with them. I never connect with them on any level apart from passing sexual attraction. I don't even get unrequited crushes on unavailable people that I did when I was younger. I read posts in dating section about women that have their hearts broken and I envy their intensity of feeling. I used to be like that and now I am just indifferent. I never get romantic fantasies anymore, just sexual ones occasionally. This may sound weird but I re-read my recent thread about a guy that I had 1 date with that I liked. He left to go camping for a week. He never contacted me but by the time he was supposed to come back from camping, I literally forgot he even existed. It took me few days to be "oh Mike never texted". I didn't feel rejected or hurt. I just felt sad that I didn't care more because this was a date with someone I was attracted to and my level of detachment is scary. I still get excited by work and travel, feel emotions for family, friends, pets; it's just dating and love that I am indifferent to. I thought this is a phase that would pass but after 5 years; I don't think it's passing. Granted I have met very, very few smart and available men, probably less than handful in the last 5 years. I am not sure if I should keep pushing myself to date or just accept it and stop trying to force it. Maybe this is just it for me on the love front? 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 There is something that you might be called being asexual. 1
JonasD Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Well, the longest I've been without any interest happened about 8 years ago. I had a period of about 3-4 years without any real interest in anyone. Thing is, I was hurt by someone and unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously) shut myself from that; then routine comes along and seals everything for you. I'm very different to average people... I'm one of those people who really need to have a friendship/caring relationship with someone before I become genuinely interested in them... Having said that, dating and "forcing" interest is specially hard for me. However, every now on then someone comes along that sparks something in me and I don't have to force it; I just have to follow my gut and work on getting to know that person better and work to develop a closer relationship and until then I start to be very interested. This, of course, varies from people to people. I'm a pretty detached person in general, such as yourself, and don't care much about this sort of thing. Proof of this is that in the last 8 years I've had just 2 "real interests"; but those REALLY moved me and came out of nowhere. I'm guessing this also has to do with unconsciously relating romantic interest with sex, by not letting myself open up to people. Maybe you just have to stop looking for it to happen and someday it may happen again. Of course, it also may not happen.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I do think that at first I was scared of getting hurt but then it turned into a complete indifference. I guess partly it's also getting older; I now don't waste emotional energy by throwing it into a void. If I found out that a guy is taken/not that interested, my emotions are completely diverted from that path. Once they are diverted though, I can't get them back, not even if the guy got single again, my interest is zero. It would be nice to get excited a little though, even if it's going nowhere
neowulf Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I haven't been able to muster more than "fondness" for any of the women I've dated in over 10 years now. People tell me that the emotions fade, but I don't believe fondness is a stand in for romantic love. So yes, while I've found myself in relationships, I haven't so much chased them as fallen into them. Probably why I haven't had much success of late 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I haven't been able to muster more than "fondness" for any of the women I've dated in over 10 years now. People tell me that the emotions fade, but I don't believe fondness is a stand in for romantic love. So yes, while I've found myself in relationships, I haven't so much chased them as fallen into them. Probably why I haven't had much success of late I have now basically fallen into a relationship because a guy was very persistent. I just passively go along with it with putting zero effort and it's my lowest priority. I feel like I should end it but then; he seems so accepting of everything; I almost don't need to.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 It would be nice to get excited a little though, even if it's going nowhere I think that with age and experience, it's normal for emotions to become more stable. I don't get as excited about anything as I used to - but then I also don't get as upset about anything as I used to. Now I get that there's a natural ebb and flow to everything. Sometimes things will be great, sometimes they will be not great, and mostly they will be somewhere in the middle. For me to get particularly excited about men or anything else, I have to mix up my routine and get a little out of my comfort zone. Then my defenses lower and my emotions are heightened.
neowulf Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I have now basically fallen into a relationship because a guy was very persistent. I just passively go along with it with putting zero effort and it's my lowest priority. I feel like I should end it but then; he seems so accepting of everything; I almost don't need to. I understand, but be wary of letting your detachment make you calous. He's a person with feelings. If you honestly feel like you can't return them in kind, please don't lead him on. When people are in love, they'll put up with the worst treatment from the object of their affection. Just because he appears accepting doesn't mean you're not ultimately going to cause him a lot of pain. I've made that mistake too many times myself and it always ends badly.
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