Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Hello everyone, I come here in search of advice. My wife had an emotional affair with a father of a girl who went to school with my daughter. I have never found any concrete evidence other than some phone records, and Facebook searches. My gut told me all I needed to know, and I went through 3 months of living hell, and lost 20 lbs. Well the past few months, things have been great, and I'm in the best shape of my life. Our marriage seems the best it's ever been, and I appreciate my wife like I need did before. What has me troubled is I found out the little girls mom, who is divorced from the man my wife was engaging with has invited me daughter to her birthday party, but I just found out looking at the text it is at the man's house whom my wife was having the affair with. My wife hasn't told me where the party is going to be since I feel she is worried of my reaction. But I know my wife has accepted the invitation, and our daughter is going. I feel it's a terrible idea for my wife to see this man, even thought we are finally back on solid ground. I'm scared the interaction will start something up again. What should I do? I am scared also of bringing up my fears as I don't like my wife thinking I don't trust her, but feel a bit of resentment that she hasn't told me where the party is being held. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't take my daughter there, and just let the relationship with the children die out as they aren't at the same school, and are only in grade 1. Please give me some ideas how to handle this. Thank you.
purplesorrow Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Does your wife know you suspect an affair? Did the two of you work through it together? It sounds like things were swept under the rug. You obviously don't trust her. You shouldn't trust her until she earns your trust back. If she is hiding things from you, why do you trust her? You should be able to speak up in your relationship.
road Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Tell your WW that there must be 100% NC with the OM. 1
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Thanks for replying. Yes my wife knows I suspected an affair going on even though she never came out and admitted anything. I really don't think that she had any sexual relations with this man, but for a few months there she basically looked up this mans profile daily, a few times a day. When I found that she text this man by looking at her phone records a few months back, I confronted her and she freaked on me saying that I had breached her trust by spying on her. Well she told me at that time that she was done, and that she didn't want to be with me anymore, but a few days after that she wanted to go on a family day trip with our daughter, and things have been getting better, and better since, with no daily looking up this guy on Facebook. This mans ex did invite our daughter to the birthday party as I seen the text, but I am very uncomfortable that the party is at the fathers house. I don't want to be controlling in anyway, and I feel I need to trust my wife as it would shock me for her to go back to her earlier ways this summer, but I have extreme anxiety about this, and don't know how to approach this without causing a big argument.
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I confronted her and she freaked on me saying that I had breached her trust by spying on her. Well she told me at that time that she was done, and that she didn't want to be with me anymore, but a few days after that she wanted to go on a family day trip with our daughter, and things have been getting better, and better since Yes, that certainly comes under the category of "sweeping it under the rug". So she just blame-shifted and you allowed her? Why? Did you ever get an answer to your confrontation? If I were you I'd go with road's suggestion and tell your wife that there must be 100% NC with the OM.
candie13 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Confront her. Tell her exactly what you've told us. See her reaction and listen to what she says. Your wife can be sick & stay at Home & you can drive your daughter to that man's place. You can ask your daughter if she really wants to go. You can take all your family to an amusement park and enjoy your family instead. Or you can accompany your wife and take it like a man, without allowing it to get to you. But really ... Talk. Discuss. Open up ! It'll make you feel so much better!!! 1
Timshel Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I agree with other posters, talk about this. You are right that there is no good reason to maintain the daughter's friendship at such a young age and at different schools under these circumstances. No contact. If your daughter already knows of the party and is excited to go, then you should take her, not your wife. Also, why has your wife been secretive about the location of this party? Not good and an indication that this is not resolved.....talk!
kgcolonel Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Wow....your wife told you that she no longer wanted to be with you because she got caught stalking her "AP"? Seems backwards to me. I get that you're a bit insecure on this however, the "true" healing will never take place as is evidenced by your discomfort on the BD Party until you and your WW are able to discuss this. Where is your WW in your relationship now????? Is she overtly committed to you or as it sounds from what you wrote, sounds more like she is on the fence still. I really hate to sound skeptical on this but because you do not see any signs or evidence of communication, she may have only gotten better at hiding her tracks. The fact that she over-reacted the way she did also would cause me to doubt her commitment to you. Seems after the A, she is more concerned about her privacy than you or the M. One thing that might shed some light on this is to tell your WW that you would like to take your daughter to the party.....just watch for her reaction. I'll bet if there is anything to hid here, she'll pull the plug on your daughter's attendance. I also agree with the above posters in that NC is a definite requirement. I would also take a very strong stance as you currently are too compliant and this appears to be weak and unattractive to WS.
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You didn't handle the EA aftermath properly. It should have been discussed and worked through. Did you actually see any texts, or just the records? Maybe it was nothing, just communication about the girls? Anyhow - your daughter's friend probably told her mother whom to invite, and that's why she got invited. Just take her and leave your W at home, maybe take this as an opportunity to start a discussion about the EA and demand some answers. That way it won't linger like the big elephant in the room, like it has been. 2
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 I guess I'm worried that this will open up another can of worms as we have both been getting along so well for the past few months, and I have changed my ways for the better to hold up my end of the bargain. I did see her phone records a few weeks ago, and there wasn't any texts to that person, or from him in the last couple of months. I really feel she has committed again to our relationship, but don't think that her seeing this guy would be a good thing at this point. My wife accepted the invitation to this party before the mother text that it was going to be at the ex husbands house, so I also feel she feels a bit stuck herself, in light of all the problems that this has caused us over the past 6 months, is worried about my reaction. I will try to find a good way to bring this up in a non confrontational way. The thing is how to do so as I feel my wife is a bit of a narcissist.
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 You didn't handle the EA aftermath properly. It should have been discussed and worked through. Did you actually see any texts, or just the records? Maybe it was nothing, just communication about the girls? Anyhow - your daughter's friend probably told her mother whom to invite, and that's why she got invited. Just take her and leave your W at home, maybe take this as an opportunity to start a discussion about the EA and demand some answers. That way it won't linger like the big elephant in the room, like it has been. I never seen any text per say, but the fact I was never shown any texts, and that they were deleted makes me think that they weren't meant for my eyes. I have to deal with my ex occasionally as we have a son together, but I always show my current wife the texts so she knows what is said, and give her full disclosure of my phone.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 YOU drop your daughter off. Your child should not suffer her friendships to be compromised because her mother behaved wholly inappropriately... Find out first when the party is scheduled to end; You take your daughter, and drop her off, then agree you will pick her up, at XX time, and you'll be waiting in the car. When she goes to the party, tell your wife, "we need to talk darling... but I don't want to make a quarrel of this. I just need to get something off my chest. And after what happened, I think I deserve to...." Then talk. Constructively. 2
kgcolonel Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I never seen any text per say, but the fact I was never shown any texts, and that they were deleted makes me think that they weren't meant for my eyes. I have to deal with my ex occasionally as we have a son together, but I always show my current wife the texts so she knows what is said, and give her full disclosure of my phone. This was a very bad decision on your wife's part. Now, she has no way to deny or you to confirm what was said or done. Just be careful going forward as this is where permanent damage can be done to relationships on a false R. I am very sorry you are going through this. I still think if she resists you're taking your daughter to the party, it will not be a positive sign.
kgcolonel Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 One more question....Does the OM know that you are at the very least suspicious of the relationship between your wife and him? To what extent were you ever able to discuss this with your wife. There are triggers and I believe you have found one. Hopefully your wife will be sympathetic to this as she made the choice to engage this guy. This is where MC may be a good place as they will create an atmosphere that this can be addressed in a non-confrontational setting.
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Your right, I do need to bring this up. I wasn't sure of just letting her take our daughter, and just have faith that my wife will do the right thing, and honor our marriage. I felt that may show trust on my part, but at the same time I'm starting to lose sleep over this again, and have that constant anxiety that I was feeling when the whole thing was going on. I just wish that my wife would admit that she was doing something wrong when I knew in my heart she was. I understand it isn't easy for a person to admit an affair, but I went through hell knowing in my heart something was amiss. I lost 20 lbs due to not eating, and was lucky to get 3 hours of sleep a night for 2 months. I just finally feel great again, and then this happens. I really don't think that the children's relationship needs to continue as they were just friends in kindergarten, and now are at completely different schools. I can't remember who I went to school with in kindergarten, so considering the circumstances, this whole thing needs to just blow over, and a fresh start is needed.
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 One more question....Does the OM know that you are at the very least suspicious of the relationship between your wife and him? To what extent were you ever able to discuss this with your wife. There are triggers and I believe you have found one. Hopefully your wife will be sympathetic to this as she made the choice to engage this guy. This is where MC may be a good place as they will create an atmosphere that this can be addressed in a non-confrontational setting. I'm pretty sure that the OM knows I am suspicious of his relationship with my wife as I sent him a Facebook message from a made up account basically telling him to stay away from my wife. I didn't mention names or anything, but I figured if he was in fact trying to woo my wife, he would know exactly who it was coming from. We discussed this situation many times, and my wife always just told me that I was seeing things that aren't there. I felt she was just gaslighting me.
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I'm pretty sure that the OM knows I am suspicious of his relationship with my wife as I sent him a Facebook message from a made up account basically telling him to stay away from my wife. I didn't mention names or anything, but I figured if he was in fact trying to woo my wife, he would know exactly who it was coming from. We discussed this situation many times, and my wife always just told me that I was seeing things that aren't there. I felt she was just gaslighting me. You did what? Now, that was immature. You let your W get away with it, but you threaten a stranger? Really? Why? You're not married to him, you're married to her; you don't even want to rock the boat slightly at home, "because things have been going great" and blahblahhhhhh - but this is the most childish thing I've ever seen. And you think you were anonymous? Puleez. People can usually tell where stuff is coming from. If he hasn't told the whole town, count your blessings. He has nothing to lose, as he's divorced. If you want to address this issue so badly that you have to resort to a fake fb account (really? I still can't believe this), then bring it up with your wife! Stop being afraid of your W and speak your mind. Leave the poor guy alone. You just make it awkward for everybody, even the kids. Jeez. 2
candie13 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Minnie is right, OP, you are barking at the wrong tree. Confront your wife & solve your issues at home. Because if you don't, there will always be another guy ready to seduce your wife. Especially if she wants / needs / actively seeks someone to seduce her. Clean your yard, OP!
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 You did what? Now, that was immature. You let your W get away with it, but you threaten a stranger? Really? Why? You're not married to him, you're married to her; you don't even want to rock the boat slightly at home, "because things have been going great" and blahblahhhhhh - but this is the most childish thing I've ever seen. And you think you were anonymous? Puleez. People can usually tell where stuff is coming from. If he hasn't told the whole town, count your blessings. He has nothing to lose, as he's divorced. If you want to address this issue so badly that you have to resort to a fake fb account (really? I still can't believe this), then bring it up with your wife! Stop being afraid of your W and speak your mind. Leave the poor guy alone. You just make it awkward for everybody, even the kids. Jeez. That facebook message was sent months ago during the emotional affair, not recently. Furthermore, I came to this site for constructive advice, not personal attacks. By sending that message to that man, not once did I threaten him in anyway. I basically said that she was my wife, and I needed him to stop trying to chase wife. Most men in my situation would do the same thing. I would expect a man to message me as well if I was trying to get with their wife.
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 That facebook message was sent months ago during the emotional affair, not recently. Furthermore, I came to this site for constructive advice, not personal attacks. By sending that message to that man, not once did I threaten him in anyway. I basically said that she was my wife, and I needed him to stop trying to chase wife. Most men in my situation would do the same thing. I would expect a man to message me as well if I was trying to get with their wife. Nobody would do that. At least not "most men" (or women, for that matter). People deal with that at home. I didn't mean to attack you, sorry. I was just very surprised to read this.....it is just not constructive, adult, mature behavior. People do that in highschool. I'm sure that this got back to your wife, too, and now you have another elephant in the room.
Timshel Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 That facebook message was sent months ago during the emotional affair, not recently. Furthermore, I came to this site for constructive advice, not personal attacks. By sending that message to that man, not once did I threaten him in anyway. I basically said that she was my wife, and I needed him to stop trying to chase wife. Most men in my situation would do the same thing. I would expect a man to message me as well if I was trying to get with their wife. His efforts, if there were any, would be futile if your wife was not receptive. Furthermore, since there was neglect to air everything out, there is no way to be sure that he was chasing her. I think the party should not be attended, for everyone's sake. Cut off all contact with the OM and straighten things out with your wife. Marriage counseling would be a good start to facilitate and guide constructive conversation.
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Nobody would do that. At least not "most men" (or women, for that matter). People deal with that at home. I didn't mean to attack you, sorry. I was just very surprised to read this.....it is just not constructive, adult, mature behavior. People do that in highschool. I'm sure that this got back to your wife, too, and now you have another elephant in the room. I didn't swear at the man, nor did I say anything rude. And what I did was mild compared to what my wife has said and done to my ex, so if she actually does know I'm completely fine with that. I see nothing immature about what I did either, it was done in a calm but deliberate way.
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 His efforts, if there were any, would be futile if your wife was not receptive. Furthermore, since there was neglect to air everything out, there is no way to be sure that he was chasing her. I think the party should not be attended, for everyone's sake. Cut off all contact with the OM and straighten things out with your wife. Marriage counseling would be a good start to facilitate and guide constructive conversation. I'm in agreement, I don't think it should be attended either. Our marriage and family is worth much more than a children's birthday party that doesn't have any point to it. Thanks. 1
kgcolonel Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) HurtandSad, You're right, you need constructive suggestions, many of us have been cheated on and have a certain hindsight of what we should have done but in many cases, didn't. I'll give it a try.... You read my posts prior i.e. MC, a good M Counselor will set a tone for the discussion for you two to talk and hear what each other are saying. They will likely say something like: "I know that I wasn't the greatest H in the past. Reference to the best of your ability what you can recall HER telling you what she needed and wasn't getting. (Be specific, you mentioned above that you were not as attentive as you should have been. What specifically do you mean? Tell her and tell her what you intend to do going forward to ensure this never happens again). This hopefully will lower the emotional barriers and allow for her to do the same: First, The primary point is how the situation made you feel when you believed your W was having at least an EA with this other guy.....The whether or not she was may never be proven or disclosed but the beginning of the disclosure of the pain and abandonment you felt is where the discussion will likely begin. Secondly, you need to take the lead here. Be strong and firm that you and she need to resolve this situation. Don't start by claiming you "know" what was going on as this will make her defensive and realistically, no one but her and the OM really know exactly what was happening. Third, you need to decide what you need to be able to forgive, so that even in a heated argument you never feel the need to bring this up again....things like: true remorse for making you feel that the one that should always have your back, was acting out behind your back; willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal, complete transparency with passwords etc. Be patient with the discussion as this approach will likely surprise her and it may take some time even days for her to wrap her head around this approach. You state that things are great but really, they aren't, you're afraid to ask for what you need to grow closer to her emotionally and that is actually what she is wanting but with the current approach, she never will as long as she feels attacked. Don't get me wrong here, to me personally, there is no worse betrayal than cheating!! The act is despicable and cowardly. But, if you want to heal, you must be the strong one and be willing to set the tone firmly but in a non-threatening way. Just my thoughts of what I would hope someone would advise me if you and I traded places. Edited October 28, 2015 by kgcolonel 1
Author Hurtandsad Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 HurtandSad, You're right, you need constructive suggestions, many of us have been cheated on and have a certain hindsight of what we should have done but in many cases, didn't. I'll give it a try.... You read my posts prior i.e. MC, a good M Counselor will set a tone for the discussion for you two to talk and hear what each other are saying. They will likely say something like: "I know that I wasn't the greatest H in the past. Reference to the best of your ability what you can recall HER telling you what she needed and wasn't getting. (Be specific, you mentioned above that you were not as attentive as you should have been. What specifically do you mean? Tell her and tell her what you intend to do going forward to ensure this never happens again). This hopefully will lower the emotional barriers and allow for her to do the same: First, The primary point is how the situation made you feel when you believed your W was having at least an EA with this other guy.....The whether or not she was may never be proven or disclosed but the beginning of the disclosure of the pain and abandonment you felt is where the discussion will likely begin. Secondly, you need to take the lead here. Be strong and firm that you and she need to resolve this situation. Don't start by claiming you "know" what was going on as this will make her defensive and realistically, no one but her and the OM really know exactly what was happening. Third, you need to decide what you need to be able to forgive, so that even in a heated argument you never feel the need to bring this up again....things like: true remorse for making you feel that the one that should always have your back, was acting out behind your back; willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal, complete transparency with passwords etc. Be patient with the discussion as this approach will likely surprise her and it may take some time even days for her to wrap her head around this approach. You state that things are great but really, they aren't, you're afraid to ask for what you need to grow closer to her emotionally and that is actually what she is wanting but with the current approach, she never will as long as she feels attacked. Don't get me wrong here, to me personally, there is no worse betrayal than cheating!! The act is despicable and cowardly. But, if you want to heal, you must be the strong one and be willing to set the tone firmly but in a non-threatening way. Just my thoughts of what I would hope someone would advise me if you and I traded places. Thanks Colonel for the constructive feedback regarding my situation. I know it sounds like things aren't fixed yet between us, but I feel in most ways they are. I'm just not getting the complete picture from her in regards to this party, although if I ask her where the party is going to be, I would be surprised if she lied to me. I wasn't the best husband over our 9 years together, as she often took a back seat to my drinking and friends. But I seen the errors of my ways when this all started happening, and realized what was really the most important thing to me. That is my life with her and our daughter. I have been a model husband for the last 6 months, helping more around the house, doing more with our daughter, cutting off certain friends she deemed a bad influence on me. I feel great, and extremely happy, and my wife seems the same way. Part of me just wants her to take our daughter to that party, and I just trust that she will respect and honor me and our relationship. She has never struck me as the cheating type, and is certainly not a slut in any sense. Maybe I will just make sure I go along for the ride, and wait in the car when she takes our daughter in. I'm still undecided on how to approach this stressful situation.
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