mrwigand Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 No real drama or weirdness here. Just contact out of the blue. I went through a protracted period of getting my ex-girlfriend (diagnosed borderline personality disorder) to pay me back for when I bailed her out of jail. Although it was long and often painful process in which she was frequently unnecessarily cold, hurtful, or evasive, I eventually got paid back and somehow even ended things on good terms with my ex. After she finally paid me back the last of the money, I was determined not to speak to her. I don't mean than in a mean way. We were able to end things on good terms because she actually apologized for some of her hurtful behavior, and I truly appreciate that she did. I apologized for not always handling things maturely myself. Truthfully, the idea of contact or communication with her is just too painful, and that's why I have to keep my distance. I'm no longer angry at her - well, maybe I'm still angry at the events that happened, the painful feelings. But she texted me today out of the blue. Just a simple text saying hi and that she hoped I was doing well. I told her I was, and I asked how she was. She told me that she was prepping for the GRE and grad school. I congratulated her on the great news, and asked her what she was looking to study, where she wanted to go to school, etc. She told me she didn't know yet and the fact that she was just offered a job in South America complicates her decision. To which I replied I was extremely excited for her either way and no matter what she chose would probably be great. And then... end of conversation. It just felt weird to me... For her to reach out, engage with me to the extent that she would answer my questions about what was going on with her but not really be interested in asking me anything. Makes me wonder why she even texted. Maybe it's just a difference in personalities. When I look to check in with someone after it's been awhile, I usually like to ask what they've been up to, etc. I know that's a fairly hypervigilant way to scrutinize it, but I can't deny I had that reaction. Of course, I think I'm overly sensitive to communication with her even so many months after the breakup, which is probably a good reason I should continue to maintain my distance. But I am genuinely glad she's doing well.
ambitions Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You bored the crap out of her... when a girl reaches out assume that she wants to see you and as a guy, your job is to set up dates. Keep texts SHORT. Save all that talk for REAL LIFE. CATCH UP over a dinner at your place. People and their smartphones these days... Hi Hey How are you? Good, you? Good. -the end- If she declines or flakes then now you know where she truly lies. 1
salparadise Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I went through a protracted period of getting my ex-girlfriend (diagnosed borderline personality disorder) to pay me back for when I bailed her out of jail. And then... end of conversation. It just felt weird to me... For her to reach out, engage with me to the extent that she would answer my questions about what was going on with her but not really be interested in asking me anything. She just needed a dose of validation. You gave it to her. She's not interested in how you're doing; just likes to know that you're still on the hook.
greenleaves54 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You bored the crap out of her... when a girl reaches out assume that she wants to see you and as a guy, your job is to set up dates. Keep texts SHORT. Save all that talk for REAL LIFE. CATCH UP over a dinner at your place. People and their smartphones these days... Hi Hey How are you? Good, you? Good. -the end- If she declines or flakes then now you know where she truly lies. Well if her getting bored means she's no longer willing to reconcile then I think it was just as good. I guess OP was the dumpee? You think the first thing he should do when his ex makes contact is invite her for a dinner at his place? Sounds like a good way to bring more pain on oneself. Plus it will probably scare her away. Why not wait for the dumper to take the initiative? If OP even wants her back.
Author mrwigand Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Thanks for the perspectives, guys. Just to give some clarification I dumped her, and I don't want to get back together. But obviously I still react sensitively and weirdly emo to communication with her lol. We ended things on good terms, and she expressed that she wanted to be friends though I told her I would need a lot of time before that was a possibility. I think mainly I was venting because my ego took a shot that she didn't care to ask anything about how I was doing. It was slightly triggering because that was very much her MO during the relationship. No big deal... Different strokes for different folks in how they engage, but it's best for both of us if we're not together. That being said if I'm still having reactions like this, however short lived, I still need space, and I'm certainly not ready to be friends. But good luck to her as it does sound like she has some great stuff on the horizon.
Realitycol Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Well if her getting bored means she's no longer willing to reconcile then I think it was just as good. I guess OP was the dumpee? You think the first thing he should do when his ex makes contact is invite her for a dinner at his place? Sounds like a good way to bring more pain on oneself. Plus it will probably scare her away. Why not wait for the dumper to take the initiative? If OP even wants her back. Not sure if serious. Just think for a second. I talk to a lot of people men and women. Friends from elementary, high school, college, coworkers, ex-coworkers, ex-partners. Most conversations go from Hi/hello to not leading up to anything. You should really check out some self-helps. The DUMPER did take the initiative. She took the time of her day and contacted him. She obviously was thinking about him and missed him and her attraction level was high enough to REACH out. It's a man's job to set up dates whether it be to discuss life or catch up or just chill and drink some wine and have FUN. If you can't keep it mature and not get all sobby then sure you're not ready to see this person. I don't understand this pain you speak of. Life is about meeting new people JUST AS MUCH AS parting with people you met/loved/encountered. It's filled from Day 1 with HELLOS and GOODBYES. The sooner you realize the latter portion the less "pain" you need to handle. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. So many people try to force it or can't look truth in the eyes and let go. The outcome is inevitable. Accept the facts! Know that there's always people you will criss-cross and meet AND you will never see again. Wasting days starving yourself or crying your eyes out are guess what, wasted. Trying to hold on and not let some you "love" go even though there's red flags everywhere and it's obviously not working out = pain. If you love someone you need to learn to let them go as they wish. If they love you as you do them, love will come back. If you love someone and there's conflicts and issues, be a grown up and shake it off, smile and when things end learn to be the person who is patient and collected and knows how to part ways. It's not about HOW you meet someone, it's HOW you say goodbye that defines someone. Edited October 28, 2015 by Realitycol
Kehv Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 You bored the crap out of her... when a girl reaches out assume that she wants to see you and as a guy, your job is to set up dates. Keep texts SHORT. Save all that talk for REAL LIFE. CATCH UP over a dinner at your place. People and their smartphones these days... Hi Hey How are you? Good, you? Good. -the end- If she declines or flakes then now you know where she truly lies. My ex reached out to me asking things like "How are you", "What are you doing these days" "If you need any help you may contact me, if you still want to". "I never ran into you" (she lives close to me). She dumped me 4 months ago after a 6 year relationship. Now, obviously I want to remain hopeful but in my opinion it doesn't mean she wants to see me. My ex dumped me to chase some other guy. They were officially together 2 weeks after she dumped me and as far as I know (I blocked her on facebook) they are still together. In my opinion in most cases she doesn't want to see you, she's just checking up on you. 1
greenleaves54 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Not sure if serious. Just think for a second. I talk to a lot of people men and women. Friends from elementary, high school, college, coworkers, ex-coworkers, ex-partners. Most conversations go from Hi/hello to not leading up to anything. You should really check out some self-helps. The DUMPER did take the initiative. She took the time of her day and contacted him. She obviously was thinking about him and missed him and her attraction level was high enough to REACH out. It's a man's job to set up dates whether it be to discuss life or catch up or just chill and drink some wine and have FUN. If you can't keep it mature and not get all sobby then sure you're not ready to see this person. This probably isn't the right thread for this discussion, since it doesn't apply to the OP's situation. However, I don't agree with your statement that "it's a mans job to set up dates to meet". The dumper reached out - yes. But my point is that if the dumper is only saying "hi, how are you" and not making any other initiatives - then they are almost certainly not interested in really getting back together. For the dumpee to invite the dumper to dinner in that situation would therefore only be a waste of time and also probably make the dumper back away again. I don't see how "being sobby" has anything to do with it. I'm a human being with feelings and yes - being in contact (or even having dinner) with an ex (whom I'm not over) who just wants to string me along is a situation that I would find hurtful and not at all advantageous. But sure, if the dumpee is completely over his/her ex - then by all means, invite them for dinner if that's what he/she wants. But until then there's little point. Edited October 28, 2015 by greenleaves54
Kehv Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Yeah I think he misunderstood that the OP was the dumper. In that case it's far more likely he could get her back. My ex wanted to go out for a drink even when she had someone else... It doesn't mean anything.
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