browneyes22 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by kooky I say, different people (aka girls) have different reasons for giving out their numbers. Your rubbing girls are maybe playing games, but I don't, get that straight. And let me tell you, I would not ask girls for their phone numbers who rub against you, it's not the usual way people behave. Once again...CLUELESS.
alphamale Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by browneyes22 FOR THE LAST TIME...GIVING OUT YOUR PHONE NUMBER ONLY TO SNUB THE GUY IS NOT POLITE IT'S RUDE. GET IT THRU YOUR SKULL. GET A CLUE. i agree BROWNEYES22... i have dated women in the past who confessed to giving out their phone #s to random guys "just to be nice" and then praying the dude would not call them. WTF!! that's ridiculous.
Author tokyo Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 All I say is if you think that a girl that rubs against you means she has a strong interest for you and is maybe interested in a relationship, you might be missing out something. They might be more than you can handle, I'd stick to the usual more harmless signals.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by kooky I had so many guys think there was chemistry involved when there was none. Just because he misreads the signs, the girl is the bad one. It's politeness when she smiles at a joke and it's politeness when she gives out her phone number when he asks her for it. Is it the man's responsibility to correctly interpret the signs or the woman's responsibility to make sure the sign she is giving is the sign she intended?
browneyes22 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by kooky All I say is if you think that a girl that rubs against you means she has a strong interest for you and is maybe interested in a relationship, you might be missing out something. They might be more than you can handle, I'd stick to the usual more harmless signals. Didn't say they are interested in a relationship...but certainly are interested in something. You assume to know what I can/cannot handle. That's foolish, you don't even know me that well. I may be too much to handle for them. But knowone will ever know 'cause they keep on running away. Again...you have no clue about men...if you have money, buy one...if you a see a tree that grows clues about men, pick one off. You are in dire need of a clue.
noname Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Ok, I got your message with saying no at once, but what are you telling me here????? Are you hinting that giving out phone numbers when there's no interest means the girl is not making any distinction with whom she engages in a sexual activity????? oh no... Kooky, this has very little to do with sexual activity. it is about interest period. of course you can not read that you will have a continued interest so it may be necessary for you to give a number so you can make contact to get to kow someone better. that is called trial and error. what i am saying that, if you have an interest, give your number. if there is no interest at all, it helps no one to give a number out of sympathy. no one likes being a charity case. analogy time... if you were taking a flight somewhere and there are technical difficulties... wouldn't you prefer that the captain and crew tell you that the plane is not leaving the ground and you need to try another flight? or would you just rather find out after takeoff, or once you are coming down in a ball of flames? relationships (whether serious or casual) are pretty much trial and error. men respond to that. someone shows an interest in you and if the chips don't fall right, you move on. getting a useless number doesn't really help you ego much and it sends the wrong message. (not about whether you want to have sex just because you gave your digits, but just because you showed an interest that was not genuine and that is pretty much a lie.) it's confusing, it is considered a waste of time, and if experienced enough may even reinforce stereootypes to some about women being fake. sympathy numbers fall into the same catergory as getting a fake number. so simply stated. if there is an interest, give the number. if there is none then don't waste your time. i don't really know how you got the "sexual activity" idea, but i will take the blame for not elaborating. i was being sarcastic with the toe nibbling comment. what i meant was that the more times you give out your number directly effects the odds of you inviting a psycho into your life. the more random people who have access to your personal information, the easier it is for you to be reached. you may possibly be putting your life or identity in danger if you end up with someone who has any number of issues and doesn't take kindly to being led on. and don't get me wrong, i am not saying that if something happens to you, that you deserve it. it is just the rules of probability. more contacts, more opportunities for contact that you may not like... especially in the information age where finding people's information and location is fairly easy...
noname Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Did it occur to you that different people have different reasons to give out their phone numbers? I prefer not to be put in the same class with girls who flirt by rubbing against guys. this is not a personal shot and i don't want to get into the middle of an argument that obviously has more history than i have read on this thread. but i think this point is moot in this case and it may be getting off topic. your original post said... I've been arguing back and forth in another thread about this problem with giving out phone numbers. This is a question for the guys. When you ask a girl for her phone number, would you prefer her to shot you down on the spot with a blunt no or would you prefer to figure this out later on your own when she avoids setting up any meetings with you? What will you think of her when she tells you to your face that she doesn't want to give you her phone number? My personal opinion is that a guy should know that when she is never calling back or making any efforts to set up a date with him, she's not interested. She may have given him her phone number, but that was politeness and if you really want to get a clear answer, ask her point blank for a date, don't make a detour via the phone numbers. *** whatever different reasons people have for giving out their numbers is irrelevant. from what i read you are wondering if you should give a number out of politeness or just shot down. which clearly states what your reason is in this case. and it seems pretty obvious that you yourself feel (at least a little because you wouldn't be asking in the first place if you didn't) that this is wrong to some degree. it must be making you feel a little awkward? there amy be multiple reasons for people to give out numbers, but you have already stated your reason here. i have lent my opinion already. so i won't bore you. but i would like to ask you one question in return. does it bother you more to shoot a guy down and think you are being impolite? or is it more hassle to be receiving useless phone calls and avoiding making plans? it just seems like it creates more problems to not be honest from the jump... oh and i would just like to make one sidepoint... asking for someone's number is hardly a detour. it is a way to get to know somebody before you go on a date, what men are actually taught is within the "rules of engagement". how would you respond if some guy just came up to you and said "we don't really even know each other, but let's go on a date saturday night..."? i am pretty sure you would put him in check really quickly because he is asking a complete stranger to meet with him and trust someone they really don't know. and how would you make plans for a date without contact information anyway? smoke signals? carrier pigeon? silly questions i know, but you see what i mean?
BrotherAaron Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 If a girl is not interested, she should not give her phone number to a guy. It's an unnattractive trait for a girl - for anyone - to have. Just like women want a confident man, men want a confident woman. A confident person would not be afraid to say no. So what if the guy gets mad because you denied the him the digits. If he can't handle that simple of a rejection, then it is not your job to coddle him and protect him from rejection. I guess it's just easier to hide behind an answering machine. Or, even worse are girls who give their phone numbers to guys they aren't interested in because they like the ego boost of being called all of the time. There's just no point to playing the phone call dodging game. On the other hand, I know it's possible for a girl to lose interest after giving out her phone number. Maybe the guy called too soon, called too many times, left a stupid message, or something else. Just because a girl was attracted to the guy initially doesn't mean that she will be forever. That's why I don't get hung up on it when I find a girl not responding. I mean, case in point, recently a girl contacted me through a school website for my university. She said she happened to see me on there, and asked me what I was up to. I told her I was going to be in my hometown for summer, and she said she would like to hang out, and gave me her phone number to call her. I called her to see if she wanted to go out to lunch before I headed out of town for the weekend. She sounded excited to hear from me, but declined the lunch and told me she would call me back on my cell I called her from. It's been about a week, and I've heard nothing from her. Oh well - I could have sworn she was interested in hanging out, but I wont sweat it if she isn't.
Author tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by noname i don't really know how you got the "sexual activity" idea, but i will take the blame for not elaborating. i was being sarcastic with the toe nibbling comment. what i meant was that the more times you give out your number directly effects the odds of you inviting a psycho into your life. the more random people who have access to your personal information, the easier it is for you to be reached. you may possibly be putting your life or identity in danger if you end up with someone who has any number of issues and doesn't take kindly to being led on. and don't get me wrong, i am not saying that if something happens to you, that you deserve it. it is just the rules of probability. more contacts, more opportunities for contact that you may not like... especially in the information age where finding people's information and location is fairly easy... I'm not sure how other girls handle this, but usually the guys who ask for my phone numbers are people I've known for some time or are friends of friends. I do feel a bit reluctantly to give it to people I barely know and if I had a bad feeling I would tell them no. Originally posted by noname *** whatever different reasons people have for giving out their numbers is irrelevant. from what i read you are wondering if you should give a number out of politeness or just shot down. which clearly states what your reason is in this case. and it seems pretty obvious that you yourself feel (at least a little because you wouldn't be asking in the first place if you didn't) that this is wrong to some degree. it must be making you feel a little awkward? there amy be multiple reasons for people to give out numbers, but you have already stated your reason here. [...] oh and i would just like to make one sidepoint... asking for someone's number is hardly a detour. it is a way to get to know somebody before you go on a date, what men are actually taught is within the "rules of engagement". how would you respond if some guy just came up to you and said "we don't really even know each other, but let's go on a date saturday night..."? i am pretty sure you would put him in check really quickly because he is asking a complete stranger to meet with him and trust someone they really don't know. and how would you make plans for a date without contact information anyway? smoke signals? carrier pigeon? silly questions i know, but you see what i mean? My reason for asking was not guilt, but I just didn't believe the other poster when he said that most guys prefered a straight no. And my point is that unless you ask directly, you won't get a straight answer. If she answers his question for a date with a yes, then of course he can ask her for her phone number. If she says no, then there's your answer. I've asked, because someone else on another thread insisted that guys prefer a no on the spot while I thought they prefered to be let down more gently. Refusing someone indirectly as more polite and more considerate than giving this person a straight no. I give it, because someone asked me nicely for it and I would feel awful to tell him to his face that I don't want to give it to him. Sometimes it's not even clear that they want my phone number because they want to set up a date (um, maybe I should mention that I'm not American). So his friend has my phone number, but I will not give it to him? Cool, he'll understand that.... Should I also ask him to lay out the situation for me, what his intentions are, so I can give him the right answer? By the way, sometimes the guy won't call. So, not for everybody getting a phone number has such a great importance. Sometimes things are not as simple as you want them to be, they are a little bit more complext, and sometimes there's no malice behind it, no cowardice, no playing games. I don't need people running after me and terrorizing me on the phone. It's a compliment enough when they ask for my phone number. Call it careless to give out phone numbers when you're not interested, but for heaven's sake, stop assuming that there are always games involved.
greenhorn Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 This is the reply to the original post, I didn't read the replies later,there were lots of them. 1. I would prefer to be shot down at that instant, I can never understand why girls like to live in fake world, they should not take a detour, blunt honesty is always appreciated and stings less. 2. If I ask for phone number not for the reason of date then I would specifically mention it at that time, like I need your number for asking something later. (not for date ofcourse) I remember 6 years back one girl in my college asked my number, I wasn't a bit interested in giving her my number so I said " Dial any number you would reach me "
browneyes22 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by kooky I'm not sure how other girls handle this, but usually the guys who ask for my phone numbers are people I've known for some time or are friends of friends. I do feel a bit reluctantly to give it to people I barely know and if I had a bad feeling I would tell them no. My reason for asking was not guilt, but I just didn't believe the other poster when he said that most guys prefered a straight no. And my point is that unless you ask directly, you won't get a straight answer. If she answers his question for a date with a yes, then of course he can ask her for her phone number. If she says no, then there's your answer. I've asked, because someone else on another thread insisted that guys prefer a no on the spot while I thought they prefered to be let down more gently. Refusing someone indirectly as more polite and more considerate than giving this person a straight no. I give it, because someone asked me nicely for it and I would feel awful to tell him to his face that I don't want to give it to him. Sometimes it's not even clear that they want my phone number because they want to set up a date (um, maybe I should mention that I'm not American). So his friend has my phone number, but I will not give it to him? Cool, he'll understand that.... Should I also ask him to lay out the situation for me, what his intentions are, so I can give him the right answer? By the way, sometimes the guy won't call. So, not for everybody getting a phone number has such a great importance. Sometimes things are not as simple as you want them to be, they are a little bit more complext, and sometimes there's no malice behind it, no cowardice, no playing games. I don't need people running after me and terrorizing me on the phone. It's a compliment enough when they ask for my phone number. Call it careless to give out phone numbers when you're not interested, but for heaven's sake, stop assuming that there are always games involved. Once again...your comments render me speechless. Your hopeless. Don't bother trying to get a clue 'cause your too far gone. And if your not american and you do this i'm surprised. Half of my family lives in Europe. When they come to america to visit they are never impressed with american women partly 'cause of stuff like this. When I go to visit, girls don't bother giving any one guy the time of day...let alone their number.
monkey00 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I would rather go for the direct rejection with a simple "no" or "sorry im not interested". Better to get that settled, than having me run hoops trying to call her. Why the runaround? just be straightforward......even if it's blunt i dont care. Several occasions in the past i encountered girls like those. When i was young, it made me wonder if it something i had done wrong, someting wrong with me, or something i said on the phone that ruined my chances. That can all be taken into account for perhaps. But i think often girls will give it either way, as giving you a chaance to catch their interest. If YOU DO do it right on the phone, i'd say you could improve your chances. Cause who knows me she was interested at first, but the way you said something on the phone messed up your chances.
noname Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 My reason for asking was not guilt, cool. understood... asumption on my part. but I just didn't believe the other poster when he said that most guys prefered a straight no. i do believe most men prefer this. in fact i believe that most women do as well. if it is done politely. nobody likes rejection. but i think that all people can agree that being misled is a little worse in the long run... i was reading the other post, and it seemed a lot of the feedback from the women was that they prefer honesty as well. Sometimes things are not as simple as you want them to be, they are a little bit more complext, and sometimes there's no malice behind it, no cowardice, no playing games. Call it careless to give out phone numbers when you're not interested, but for heaven's sake, stop assuming that there are always games involved. i understand. i don't think i ever insisted you yourself were a game player. i don't beleive i was accusatory or called you a game player in any of my other posts. hopefully, you have me confused with someone else, but if i came across that way, forgive me. i meant no offense. from what you have explained from the beginning, you have the person's best interest in mind. that shows a degree of compassion and is an admirable trait under many circumstances. i just think that it is important to note that sometimes we do things that we think and decide is better for the other individual and it turns out that it could really be wrong and may backfire. you may know that you are trying to spare their feelings. i may know that because you expressed it to me, but a great many people may perceive it as playing games with people's emotions. that's the breaks of life. nearly anything in excess can prove harmful, and that includes compassion. i know this because i have a problem of trying to help people too much ond spare their feelings. in the wonderful life i lead, there have been a good amount of times where i thought i was doing something to help somebody that ended up hurting them or pissing them off. Originally posted by kooky I'm not sure how other girls handle this, but usually the guys who ask for my phone numbers are people I've known for some time or are friends of friends. I do feel a bit reluctantly to give it to people I barely know and if I had a bad feeling I would tell them no. didn't know this. and incidentally, from reading the other posts, i don't think many people do. i would guess that they are thinking that you are talking about men that you meet out more than anything. i was. now this makes a little sense. and it explains the following... And my point is that unless you ask directly, you won't get a straight answer. If she answers his question for a date with a yes, then of course he can ask her for her phone number. If she says no, then there's your answer. now that i have more information, i can see some of your points a little more clearly. anyway, if i did write something offensive, let me know. it only helps me out. i was only trying to address the issues...
noname Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Noname, thanks for understanding me. no problem...
Chipmonk Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 So I'm a bit oblivious and didn't see this whole thread ... hehe. Originally posted by kooky I'm not sure how other girls handle this, but usually the guys who ask for my phone numbers are people I've known for some time or are friends of friends. I do feel a bit reluctantly to give it to people I barely know and if I had a bad feeling I would tell them no. *CLICK* - didn't see this before. Kooky, we are ALL on completely different wavelengths then, and missing this detail is a Big Deal ... this thread is about guys asking for phone numbers from people who AREN'T friends - who we just met that night, or who we don't expect to see regularly. This kind of person - I think it's very obvious that the guy is asking for the number for dating purposes (which might be anything from getting coffee to booty call, but that's another issue). Someone who has known you a while, or knows you through a friend, shouldn't be asking for a phone number just for a date (if he does, he really deserves to get slaughtered) - that kind of person really should ask directly, or at least sound out a few mutual friends to see if your friends think you'd be up for it. I totally understand giving a phone number to a friend out of politeness - and suddenly I don't disagree anywhere near as strongly as I did in the last thread. But do you see our opinion now? Caveat: "friend" is a ridiculously loose term that I think we all mean different things with. Originally posted by kooky I've asked, because someone else on another thread insisted that guys prefer a no on the spot while I thought they prefered to be let down more gently. Refusing someone indirectly as more polite and more considerate than giving this person a straight no. I give it, because someone asked me nicely for it and I would feel awful to tell him to his face that I don't want to give it to him. Sometimes it's not even clear that they want my phone number because they want to set up a date (um, maybe I should mention that I'm not American). So his friend has my phone number, but I will not give it to him? Cool, he'll understand that.... Should I also ask him to lay out the situation for me, what his intentions are, so I can give him the right answer? By the way, sometimes the guy won't call. So, not for everybody getting a phone number has such a great importance. Nicest thing to do? "Here's my number, just don't use it to ask me out." Perfectly clear. If someone you know really needs to get in touch with you, he can get your number from a friend. So if he's asking for your number, what he's really doing is asking your permission to call you without going through your friends. And no one can guess whether his motivations are love or friendship or whatnot - and he may not even know, but he's trying to get to know you better to find out. But that's a falling-for-a-friend issue, and not an asking-for-a-phone-number issue.
crazy_grl Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I used to give out my phone when guys would ask me no matter who they were simply because I didn't know how to turn them down. I met these guys while with groups of people, didn't do any flirting with them and barely talked to them when they asked for my number. I was also afraid to be mean to them; it was part social ineptitude part cowardice, and part naivety. If a girl says she's giving a guy her number just to be nice, she might not realize that she's doing the opposite. Some are afraid to say no, some are playing games, some are just looking for the ego boost of a guy repeatedly calling her when she never answers, and some might have just changed their minds about being interested. I agree with Kooky that a better question for guys to ask would be if a girl would like to go out sometime instead of just for her phone number. It might not weed out all the "polite" yeses, but it'll cut back on them. For the girls: If a guy is worth being nice to, it's *not* nice to give him false hope. Guys that ask for any girl's number and don't give a damn who the girl is or whether it will lead to anything aren't going to be bothered by a you not answering their calls (if they call). They might be upset with you when you turn them down, but they're not someone you're interested in anyway, so why do you care what they think if they call you a b!tch? But if a guy really is interested in you and you string him along, it's going to hurt a lot more when you avoid him and he eventually figures out that you're not interested. So by giving out your number to as a way to be 'polite', you're only being polite to the guys that deserve the least consideration.
Author tokyo Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by Chipmonk *CLICK* - didn't see this before. Kooky, we are ALL on completely different wavelengths then, and missing this detail is a Big Deal ... this thread is about guys asking for phone numbers from people who AREN'T friends - who we just met that night, or who we don't expect to see regularly. This kind of person - I think it's very obvious that the guy is asking for the number for dating purposes (which might be anything from getting coffee to booty call, but that's another issue). See, I don't have a problem with saying no when someone clearly asks for a date, it's the times when you're not sure what to expect, but obviously you agree with me that sometimes it's not completely clear what the purpose of giving your phone number is and sometimes it just is difficult to decline this without looking like a weirdo. But I think in the future I will use the following line: Nicest thing to do? "Here's my number, just don't use it to ask me out." Perfectly clear. How come this never occured to me?
alphamale Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by kooky But I think in the future I will use the following line: try these instead KOOKY: "oh, i'm real sorry but i'm involved with someone and really cannot give u my #" or "oh, I'm about to get involved with someone and really cannot give u my #" or "you know...there is someone i'm pursuing right now so I'd rather not" or "f*** off a**h***!"
ConfusedInOC Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by kooky See, I don't have a problem with saying no when someone clearly asks for a date, it's the times when you're not sure what to expect, but obviously you agree with me that sometimes it's not completely clear what the purpose of giving your phone number is and sometimes it just is difficult to decline this without looking like a weirdo. But I think in the future I will use the following line: How come this never occured to me? If you're looking to turn men away (friend or date), that line will work perfectly...
crazy_grl Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC If you're looking to turn men away (friend or date), that line will work perfectly... Yeah. Saying "just don't ask me on a date" is being a bit presumptuous and egotistical, especially if the guy is just a friend.
Author tokyo Posted May 27, 2005 Author Posted May 27, 2005 As I said before, what are you supposed to say when the friend of a friend or someone from group of people you're going to see again asks you for your phone number? His friend and other people have my phone number, but I won't give it to him? How does this look? Or you're play in a sports team and someone else has your phone number, but you refuse to give that person the number? What am I supposed to say? Seems like people are always pissed off whether you do it directly or indirectly. I guess, I should continue to give out my phone number and if the guy doesn't understand after the first phone call that I'm not interested - well, go and learn to read the signals. Oh, and if someone did not understand it, I don't get asked after I flirt and rub against them, I get asked after a nice friendly chat in a normal everyday context. If you didn't see any signals of flirting, but suddenly assume there is something and then get shot down, it's your fault, buddy. Period. People always complain.
Chipmonk Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by kooky What am I supposed to say? Seems like people are always pissed off whether you do it directly or indirectly. I guess, I should continue to give out my phone number and if the guy doesn't understand after the first phone call that I'm not interested - well, go and learn to read the signals. Oh, and if someone did not understand it, I don't get asked after I flirt and rub against them, I get asked after a nice friendly chat in a normal everyday context. If you didn't see any signals of flirting, but suddenly assume there is something and then get shot down, it's your fault, buddy. Period. People always complain. Never be afraid to shoot someone down. So people here didn't like the exact thing I suggested ... here's a more general statement. Give that phone number, but make some sort of disarming joke that makes it clear you don't want to be asked out by phone. Something that implies that being asked out over the phone is beneath that person. By the way, I don't think it's presumptuous to say "don't ask me out" - as long as it's said in a friendly way. It would not be so good to say, "hey it looks like you're trying to ask me out, please don't" (that is presumptuous, because it accuses the other person of hitting on you), but "I don't like giving out my number because too many people try to ask me out, but you're not doing that, so drop me a line!". This works because it's a complement ("I don't like giving out my number but I'm giving it to you"), doesn't imply anything romantic, and says that you aren't interested in dating without being a rejection. And if he really was romantically interested, that's the point where he saves face by thanking you and walking away.
Author tokyo Posted May 27, 2005 Author Posted May 27, 2005 Chipmonk, I'll follow your second advice as it seems the best. Thanks!
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by browneyes22 Once again...your comments render me speechless. Your hopeless. Don't bother trying to get a clue 'cause your too far gone. Hey! Be nice. Kooky is sweet - even when we don't agree with her. When I go to visit, girls don't bother giving any one guy the time of day...let alone their number. I wonder why they don't give you the time of day. What could explain this mystery?
Recommended Posts