Why won't it sink in even though I KNOW I don't want him back?

[itisdanielle]

It's been 4 weeks since the breakup (3 yr relationship), 2 weeks since I found out from someone else that he cheated with a mutual friend - obviously no longer a friend! The cheating was a drunken kiss, I know it's not as bad as sex or an on going relationship behind my back, but it is still a big deal to me. And it isn't even just the cheating that bothers me, the fact that he didn't tell me and during the breakup tried to come across as 'the nice guy' that angers me.

 

I know that I can't have the relationship back even if he comes crawling back begging me to get back together. I know that I would not be able to trust him and that I would not respect myself for giving him another chance.

 

I am being honest with myself saying that he doesn't want me, he doesn't miss me, he is probably happier now that we are not together.

 

Even though I know this, I am constantly wondering whether him and her are sleeping together now - I know they are going to the same event with friends on Saturday and it makes me sick even thinking about it.

 

I keep wondering whether he is missing me. I feel upset that he hasn't contacted me. I feel that I want him to contact me trying to get back together.

 

Is this normal behaviour? I feel so embarrassed that I am still thinking these things about someone that has that little respect for me that he can cheat and hide such a huge thing from me.

 

Other than these thoughts I feel I am doing relatively okay. I'm keeping busy, have blocked him from all social media and haven't contacted him since I confronted him about the cheating when I found out 2 weeks ago.

[minimariah]

Even though I know this, I am constantly wondering whether him and her are sleeping together now - I know they are going to the same event with friends on Saturday and it makes me sick even thinking about it

.

 

they probably are. & he probably dumped her to be with you. & that's probably the reason all of your mutual friends seem to be okay with it - they've seen it coming.

 

think that way & stick with that theory. trust me, it is absolutely the easiest way to move on. keep up the NC. you're angry & feel this way because he "got away with it" - trust me... that's something you'll have to learn how to work around.

 

these feelings are normal! no worries. surround yourself with folks who support you and use this as an opportunity to cut off those who do not.

 

you're doing a good job so far, it's been 4 months. you're going through phases, all normal.

[itisdanielle]

you're angry & feel this way because he "got away with it" - trust me... that's something you'll have to learn how to work around.

 

 

This is so true! It angers me that he can do this to me and there is no repercussion for him. I know life doesn't work that way but man does it suck.

 

I honestly don't think he dumped me for her. This isn't me kidding myself to feel better because I know they may eventually get together. The group is 8 people, and we all met at the same time in out first year of uni. Me and my ex started as friends then ended up together. The girl he cheated with doesn't live in the same city as us all anymore, he hadn't seen her since Feb when she moved, then he saw her in September when she came back to visit everyone for a weekend (I was away), which is when it happened. And apparently this coming Saturday will be the first time he's seen her since it happened. Ugh.

 

I haven't spoken to any of the group since. They live with him now so I feel that's made them automatically take his side. It's hard because I counted them as close friends but I guess it's better not to have them in my life after this.

[minimariah]

This is so true! It angers me that he can do this to me and there is no repercussion for him. I know life doesn't work that way but man does it suck.

 

I honestly don't think he dumped me for her. This isn't me kidding myself to feel better because I know they may eventually get together. The group is 8 people, and we all met at the same time in out first year of uni. Me and my ex started as friends then ended up together. The girl he cheated with doesn't live in the same city as us all anymore, he hadn't seen her since Feb when she moved, then he saw her in September when she came back to visit everyone for a weekend (I was away), which is when it happened. And apparently this coming Saturday will be the first time he's seen her since it happened. Ugh.

 

I haven't spoken to any of the group since. They live with him now so I feel that's made them automatically take his side. It's hard because I counted them as close friends but I guess it's better not to have them in my life after this.

 

i think it's easier if you just assume that they will end up together - that way you're "preparing" yourself & won't be shocked at that kind of outcome.

 

i made a few mistakes in my earlier posts - it has been four WEEKS. that's super early. so it's absolutely normal to feel this way.

 

eff those friends, they aren't your friends anyway. those were probably acquaintances more than anything else. real friends would have been there for you, even if they're also friends with him. it's not about picking a side, it's about being a support.

 

give yourself time, sweets. it sucks, i know. but it's life. it goes on and you have no other choice but to accept what you cannot change and play the best with the cards you got.

[mightycpa]

I'm going to offer that the underlying emotions of being cheated on and finding out will never really change. If you just think about that, you'll always feel disappointment and sadness. If you feel jealousy or sadness because he's with her, or someone else now, that will never really change.

 

Unless you reframe your thoughts, aka, bring your heart up to speed.

 

For example, right now, you have competing "wants". You love this guy, so you want him to be with you. You know he's a cheat, so you also don't want him to be with you. The problem is that the first one has a strong emotional component, but the second does not. It's more like your mind is telling your heart that, but your heart probably doesn't feel it yet. That's why your heart doesn't get it.

 

So what you need to do is to feel more strongly about him being a cheater, getting your heart to believe that about him. Right now, it feels unbelievable, because it is a drastic change. To make yourself feel the emotional part about you not wanting a cheater more than the part where you want him, you have to adopt this new characteristic into your belief system. This takes both practice and time. You essentially need to retrain yourself about what you see in him. Every time you think about how cute or how kind or how whatever he was, you also need to go through the laundry list about the negatives you just learned about him, and then imagine being with him when he's like that. It will, slowly but surely, begin to turn you off.

 

You may be doing something like this now already. Great! But if you're not, then start. You've got to convince yourself that this is who he is, not the person that you once knew. Before long, you wont' be able to think about him without thinking about the negatives. Then you're home free, and you'll soon be at the end of your misery.

Edited October 28, 2015 by mightycpa

[opalant]

What you're feeling is a completely normal response. And these thoughts are going to be in your head for a while, let them, eventually your brain will stop obsessing.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that he cheated and that getting back together wouldn't work now because like you said, you couldn't trust him.

 

Try and go out as much as possible to take your mind off it, but really you can't know what he's thinking or feeling, just remember that, plus even if you could know what he was thinking it wouldn't make a difference because a reconcilation wouldn't be on the cards as he's cheated.

 

Make sure he's blocked so no new information comes up and makes your brain analyse even more.

 

Don't be embarrassed about having all of these thoughts either, just because someone hurts us doesn't mean that switches our feelings for them off too, it's going to take time to come to terms with what's happened.

[sbk24]

I am going to a similar situation as you, as in going through the same emotions due my ex girlfriend cheating but we were together for 8 years. I think it's natural for us to think this way and it is to do with the healing process. I keep trying to think what she is thinking but there is honestly no point.

 

Like you I am trying to keep busy and just be with people all the time but I still feel lonely inside. It is kind of hard to explain. However, we have to believe that in time we will forget what their faces will even look like. Unlike them we will have a clear conscience. It will haunt them for the rest of their lives for their guilt in one way or another.

 

Believe me it hurts and I'm going to be honest I still struggle but do not break NC.

[Realitycol]

It's been 4 weeks since the breakup (3 yr relationship), 2 weeks since I found out from someone else that he cheated with a mutual friend - obviously no longer a friend! The cheating was a drunken kiss, I know it's not as bad as sex or an on going relationship behind my back, but it is still a big deal to me. And it isn't even just the cheating that bothers me, the fact that he didn't tell me and during the breakup tried to come across as 'the nice guy' that angers me.

 

I know that I can't have the relationship back even if he comes crawling back begging me to get back together. I know that I would not be able to trust him and that I would not respect myself for giving him another chance.

 

I am being honest with myself saying that he doesn't want me, he doesn't miss me, he is probably happier now that we are not together.

 

Even though I know this, I am constantly wondering whether him and her are sleeping together now - I know they are going to the same event with friends on Saturday and it makes me sick even thinking about it.

 

I keep wondering whether he is missing me. I feel upset that he hasn't contacted me. I feel that I want him to contact me trying to get back together.

 

Is this normal behaviour? I feel so embarrassed that I am still thinking these things about someone that has that little respect for me that he can cheat and hide such a huge thing from me.

 

Other than these thoughts I feel I am doing relatively okay. I'm keeping busy, have blocked him from all social media and haven't contacted him since I confronted him about the cheating when I found out 2 weeks ago.

 

So why think about it??? STOP. Stop molesting yourself with worries.

 

LET

GO

 

You fear loss. You feel bad for thinking about it. You feel embarrassed. You know you shouldn't, but you do. It's like saying your bf shouldn't cheat but he does it anyway. What's the difference? Stop thinking about it. When it springs up in your head, just pick him up, put him in a box labelled "cheater/loser/scum/untrustworthy/disloyal/dick" and move on.

 

You want a cheater/loser/scum/untrustworthy/disloyal/dick partner? That makes you sound really desperate doesn't it? You can do better and you deserve better right? Do yourself a favor, when you think about him, smile. Smile and pat yourself on the back for losing such a person out of your life. Turn around 180 degrees, never turn your head or turn around and walk. Cut all ties or ANYTHING that would bring memories of him or tempt you from contacting him.

 

Walk, because you need to believe you deserve better than trash.

Walk, because you deserve the best. Your self-esteem is at an all time low, but it's your job to bring it back up.

 

If you're serious about all this that is.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Realitycol

[itisdanielle]

I'm going to offer that the underlying emotions of being cheated on and finding out will never really change. If you just think about that, you'll always feel disappointment and sadness. If you feel jealousy or sadness because he's with her, or someone else now, that will never really change.

 

Unless you reframe your thoughts, aka, bring your heart up to speed.

 

For example, right now, you have competing "wants". You love this guy, so you want him to be with you. You know he's a cheat, so you also don't want him to be with you. The problem is that the first one has a strong emotional component, but the second does not. It's more like your mind is telling your heart that, but your heart probably doesn't feel it yet. That's why your heart doesn't get it.

 

So what you need to do is to feel more strongly about him being a cheater, getting your heart to believe that about him. Right now, it feels unbelievable, because it is a drastic change. To make yourself feel the emotional part about you not wanting a cheater more than the part where you want him, you have to adopt this new characteristic into your belief system. This takes both practice and time. You essentially need to retrain yourself about what you see in him. Every time you think about how cute or how kind or how whatever he was, you also need to go through the laundry list about the negatives you just learned about him, and then imagine being with him when he's like that. It will, slowly but surely, begin to turn you off.

 

You may be doing something like this now already. Great! But if you're not, then start. You've got to convince yourself that this is who he is, not the person that you once knew. Before long, you wont' be able to think about him without thinking about the negatives. Then you're home free, and you'll soon be at the end of your misery.

 

This is so helpful. I feel I have tried to do this. It sounds dorky but I made a list of reasons why us being together would be a bad thing, and then reasons for the good and the bad really outweighed the good. I feel this helped and reading over it usually makes me feel better.

 

It's just at certain times when I'm struggling with the situation, it's so easy for the negative thoughts and over-thinking to kick in.

 

I guess it must be partly an ego thing, which I hate to admit. Like I don't want to be with him because of what he did, but I don't want him to be with her either. Ridiculous.