Digger123 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 So much of my life was spent coping with rejection. These last two years I have been in a relationship on and off with this guy and it has turned me inside out and upside down until I landed on my feet about two weeks ago. I met my match actually. Granted my heart was ripped out, stomped on, rejected profusely and I wouldn't change it for anything. I needed my heart broken. For years I didn't understand who I was, what i stood for, what I believed in until I made my mind up that I was going to allow myself to truly let this man know me and I was going to give myself permission to fall in Love and be 100% committed to my choice. I new I was a mess with baggage of past turmoil, but I was going to be upfront and honest the best I could because I wanted to know that I could love. You see, for me I only would let someone so close to me before I shut off, checked out and disappeared. I formed no bonds of any sort i always had my foot out the door. I did get hurt from the cruelty of those relationships, but it only confirmed why I didn't love them to begin with. In this recent past relationship I recognized emotional patterns, psychological patterns and behavior in myself in different situations we would go through. I purposely made myself go against every fiber in my body that said," Hes going to break your heart!" Regardless of fears that ripped through my soul, the pathetic neediness that I expelled out of loneliness due to his rejection, made me fight even harder to overcome my weak mentality. I was in a fight with myself to prove that I was going to overcome my fear of committment, rejection, and failure in a relationship and I was going to Love unconditionally regardless of the consequences or outcome. My desire was also to know if love truly existed, what it really was, and how it exists and grows or dissipates. I learned what love is by getting my heart broken. You see my heart had to be broken finally for love to even reside in my heart. All that is left in my heart for this guy is the love I have for him. My heart holds no records of his wrongs or behavior that others would see as faults. I see this guy for who he is, flaws and all. But it was his flaws that taught me love. Love has broken my heart yet Love has healed my heart. Does he love me? I do not know. That is not important to me. What is important to me is that I Love him with every fiber in my body. He is a part of me. I miss him but because I love him I want him to have the life he deems best for himself. But I will unselfishly love him and be there for him and see the best in him because Love keeps no record of wrong. I got in the ring with love and it took me for a few rounds, knocked me out, even through me out of the ring a few times, but I kept getting back in the fight and in the end I won because Love no longer controls me, it is in me. And if by chance this guy decides to step in the ring and fight for love I will be with him every step of the way standing by him regardless of how many times he gets scared and jumps out of the ring. Because Love fights for you, it bends, but doesn't break. I am greatfull to know I can love unconditionally without pain or remorse. Was it easy? OH HECK NO! but WORTH IT...... 3
Chronograph Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Thank you for this post! I was about to start a new thread on a similar note. Love is whatever it is, and love hurts, love is pain at times, and love also makes you act like a fool and lose every sense. I heard someone say "let your heart be broken a million times". And that's what it's all about. If we're protecting ourselves from heartbreak we're not open to the full, real love experience. Love means you are vulnerable. If you're not vulnerable then it's not love. And let me add: Nothing against the advice of NC here. NC is good and I have experienced the benefits of it myself. BUT the way it is preached here by some as the only way to deal with a breakup is a bit too much for me. Love is not about power dynamics, or who wins, or who is the weak one and who is the strong one. That's just an ego game. Yes, NC might be good for your healing. But if you still love someone and you break NC to write a message to let them know or whatever it is you're doing ... it's fine. That's part of love. Of course, you give the other person the opportunity to hurt you again if you break NC. Yes. But we never can protect ourselves fully from pain. And if we try, our life will be flat and stale. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 It is a beautiful post, i hope one day i can believe it, but for now, it looks like world peace, possible, but just not the reality of life. 2
Author Digger123 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Today I am struggling missing you. It comes and goes. I try to stay focused and not pay attention to my emotions because I don't want them to rule me. I miss your face. I miss the sound of your voice and just sitting in the room knowing you were there. It's a battle I don't know if I will ever over come because it feels so heartbreaking and empty at times. Life had more meaning to it when you were in it. You had a way of pushing me toward my goals and I felt that you supported me even silently. I just somehow new that you had my back. I was horrible at even expressing my words of appreciation because I didn't like putting my heart on the chopping block of possible rejection. When I saw you the other day I felt my guard come up and I wasn't myself. There is still a lot of pain that hasn't healed because I am human. I don't love you any less. In fact it is strange. As the days go by Love does not dissipate. I find that I long to know you on a deeper level and understand you more. I don't care what is in the past. To me they're building blocks I have gleaned from the experience and shows me Love is deeper than words, time and the past. I would give anything to have one of your bear hugs right now and to hear you tell me everything is going to be alright. 1
Author Digger123 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 You taught me something last night! I never realized how guarded I was all this time! I thought I new all I needed to know up until last night! I want that with you! To be open and honest, tell you what I want and to do what I want with you'! I'm sick and tired of hiding my desire and want for you! I want you and i need you. Not in a dysfunctional way. I don't know how you did it but you got through 41 years of walls! I want what we have! Your independence sets me free to be me! You have no idea when I watch you in the room how you are the item of my demise! You rock my world not just in my soul but you got my heart! I want more of what we have!
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