DCPolo Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I'll soon be joining the Army to be an infantry officer. I'll be volunteering for jump school and Ranger school, and hope to serve in an Airborne batallion. The thing is, my life may get rather dangerous for a while. I'm worried that should something happen to me, my ex-fiance may blame herself. In reality, this is something I've wanted to do for a long time and would have done it even if she hadn't left. I don't want to break NC with her (I really don't want to talk to her or see her), but I also don't want to saddle her with guilt should I get hurt. I was thinking of writing a letter explaining this and leaving it with a mutual friend with the strict instructions that they not deliver it (nor tell her I've written it) unless I'm no longer around. Good idea or bad?
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Do it. 100% absolutely. Its not breaking NC cause your not really talking to her. Plus, by the time she reads the letter, you'll be away. I'm sure this Army experience will help you get over her too. I think its the right thing to let her know of such a drastic life change. Good luck.
lindya Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Perhaps if, God forbid, anything did happen then your mutual friend would sit down and have a talk with your ex-girl to let her know that your decision to join the army had nothing to do with the break up. People are generally far better at explaining things than pre-written letters are, I think. I hope it all goes well. Good luck and take care.
Author DCPolo Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Do it. 100% absolutely. Its not breaking NC cause your not really talking to her. Plus, by the time she reads the letter, you'll be away. I'm sure this Army experience will help you get over her too. I think its the right thing to let her know of such a drastic life change. Good luck. Thanks, but the point is, I'm not doing this to get over her. And by "away", I mean not on this earth. If I come back ok, the letter gets torn up and she'll never know the wiser. This isn't about letting her know what I'm up to, its about trying to save her from a lifetime's worth of guilt that her decision lead me to do something that ended up getting me killed.
Author DCPolo Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by lindya Perhaps if, God forbid, anything did happen then your mutual friend would sit down and have a talk with your ex-girl to let her know that your decision to join the army had nothing to do with the break up. People are generally far better at explaining things than pre-written letters are, I think. I hope it all goes well. Good luck and take care. They're more of a mutual acquaintence; he's my friend, and she would know him, but they don't see each other. If they were closer, I'd be fine with him explaining why I did what I did, but they arn't, and I'm afraid he wouldn't convey the most important things very well. The truth is, he doesn't like her very much anymore (like most of those close to me), which isn't really fair, but its just the popular opinion. I don't know how sympathetic he'd be.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by DCPolo Thanks, but the point is, I'm not doing this to get over her. And by "away", I mean not on this earth. If I come back ok, the letter gets torn up and she'll never know the wiser. This isn't about letting her know what I'm up to, its about trying to save her from a lifetime's worth of guilt that her decision lead me to do something that ended up getting me killed. Oh well than that's different. I need some background first. What makes this ex any different than the others? Why give HER letter? What happens if, god forbid, you left us, say, in 7 years, you might be insignificant to her and your friend will give her the letter, she reads it and goes "John who?"
Author DCPolo Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Oh well than that's different. I need some background first. What makes this ex any different than the others? Why give HER letter? She was my fiance. You get to know someone pretty well after a relationship like we had. She would feel very guilty.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by DCPolo She was my fiance. You get to know someone pretty well after a relationship like we had. She would feel very guilty. Well in that case, yes I would do it. Either that or have your mother talk to her if that were to ever happen to you. I think she rather hear it from her than in a letter. Too risky. What if your friend loses it..... Unless there are some things you want to put in the letter that you mother just can't say. What do you have to lose? Write it.
Author DCPolo Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue Well in that case, yes I would do it. Either that or have your mother talk to her if that were to ever happen to you. I think she rather hear it from her than in a letter. Too risky. What if your friend loses it..... Unless there are some things you want to put in the letter that you mother just can't say. What do you have to lose? Write it. My mom would hate to have to talk to her, or even see her for that matter. As for what is there to lose, I don't want to burden her. Its a catch-22; I know she'd feel guilty and she shouldn't. But at the same time, anything reminding her of me would be difficult for her. But then again, she's going to have a hard time not being reminded of me if something happens, so I guess you're right. Thanks!
Author DCPolo Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Why would she feel guilty? She'll think that if she hadn't left and we got married, I wouldn't have gone. That's not the case.
westernxer Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I don't think you should tell her anything... but that's just me.
outdated Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I tend to agree with W'EXER. There's no need to contact her, it seems like you want to. Once again, just an outsider's view, but if you haven't talked in so long, why would she feel guilty if something were to happen to you? Now if right after you broke up you went and jumped off a bridge- that might concern her and make her feel guilty. Also, what if you die in a car crash next week? Would she feel guilty about that? Why would she? She would feel sorrow, but I don't think guilt. I think it's the same if you join the army and get hurt or worse.
moon Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 In a few months I am moving half way across the world. It never even occured to me that this would be a good time to contact my ex. This will be the time when I will leave no forwarding address. I am going to stick to my strict policy of no contact and see ya wouldn't want to be ya attitude. It works a lot better than sitting around trying to decide if you should call anytime you have some sort of milestone in your life. Leave the past behind. Your ex and you are no longer together. Yes, I think contacting your ex is going to stur up some fear in her that you might get hurt. If you knew somebody might be in harms way you might look at them differently too. I say stick to no contact. Unless of course you did the dumping and might want to say sorry and one final goodbye, but otherwise.........Why? Just because you're joining the military doesn't mean you're going to die. Come on be serious. You wouldn't be doing it if you were so convinced something would happen to you. I say go on your way and don't look back. But that's what works best for me. The girl is no longer in your life. You are moving on to a new life. If she was so concerned with every new twist and turn in your life she'd call you. I think calling her will probably only bring you down. At least that's what it'd do for me because even if the other person said oh, oh, yeah, I am having second thoughts here I want to be with you again. What are you going to do with that? Your leaving.....so what's the point?
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