Contact from Ex gf after almost 4 months

[Ifeelok]

Hey guys,

so about 4 months ago i posted a threat about how my ex gf of almost 5 years dumped me and basically gave me a bs story. Well on Saturday night she called me up around almost midnight, i didnt pick up so she followed with a text saying "i think we have a misunderstanding on why i broke up with you, if you want to talk you have 1 hour to call me back if not we cannot talk.

 

so i followed up with a call and basically she just said i didnt leave you for anyone else, i left you because you get upset and you sometimes blow up on me and i just couldnt take it anymore, ive been fighting for this relationship for a long time and i just give up. we hardly ever argued and when we did, it was nothing serious i always apologized and just tried to work things out but i guess this time it was different.

 

i went ahead and told her that whatever the real reason was why she left me it doesnt matter anymore, im trying to move on with my life, i had kept NC for almost 4 months until this past weekend. i even told her that if that is why she wanted to talk she could have said this months ago, but she replied with it would have been harder for you so i decided to wait a bit to tell you. Nevertheless shes in a relationsip with her coworker, it took her one month after our break up to move on with him. Her excuse was it just happened, the timing was right and i wanted to give it a try.

 

in the end the reason im writting this is to get some feedback from you guys on why she really called? my first instict is she called to try to justify her reason for leaving me so she can sleep at night, even though i told her i believed her that she didnt leave me for someone else, in my heart and mind i know she left me for him.

 

she also mentioned to me that in these 4 months shes grown up and changed and doesnt see us ever getting back together because i am not what she wants anymore. it hurts, but atleast i got myself some closure.. i just think its a stupid BS excuse she gave me for leaving me and moving on so fast.

 

i feel like shes trying so hard to forget about me that she didnt even take the time grief and maybe in the future thats going to bite her in the ass.

[Blanco]

Hey guys,

so about 4 months ago i posted a threat about how my ex gf of almost 5 years dumped me and basically gave me a bs story. Well on Saturday night she called me up around almost midnight, i didnt pick up so she followed with a text saying "i think we have a misunderstanding on why i broke up with you, if you want to talk you have 1 hour to call me back if not we cannot talk.

 

so i followed up with a call and basically she just said i didnt leave you for anyone else, i left you because you get upset and you sometimes blow up on me and i just couldnt take it anymore, ive been fighting for this relationship for a long time and i just give up. we hardly ever argued and when we did, it was nothing serious i always apologized and just tried to work things out but i guess this time it was different.

 

i went ahead and told her that whatever the real reason was why she left me it doesnt matter anymore, im trying to move on with my life, i had kept NC for almost 4 months until this past weekend. i even told her that if that is why she wanted to talk she could have said this months ago, but she replied with it would have been harder for you so i decided to wait a bit to tell you. Nevertheless shes in a relationsip with her coworker, it took her one month after our break up to move on with him. Her excuse was it just happened, the timing was right and i wanted to give it a try.

 

in the end the reason im writting this is to get some feedback from you guys on why she really called? my first instict is she called to try to justify her reason for leaving me so she can sleep at night, even though i told her i believed her that she didnt leave me for someone else, in my heart and mind i know she left me for him.

 

she also mentioned to me that in these 4 months shes grown up and changed and doesnt see us ever getting back together because i am not what she wants anymore. it hurts, but atleast i got myself some closure.. i just think its a stupid BS excuse she gave me for leaving me and moving on so fast.

 

i feel like shes trying so hard to forget about me that she didnt even take the time grief and maybe in the future thats going to bite her in the ass.

 

Issuing a blunt ultimatum right off the bat, especially at that hour, seems unreasonable. Yuck.

 

Sounds like she wanted to ease her guilt for moving on so quickly, while still staying firm on the idea that it was mostly your fault things ended.

[greenleaves54]

if you want to talk you have 1 hour to call me back if not we cannot talk.

 

 

Lol, that was a new one. Too bad you didn't take that golden opportunity to ignore her little ultimatum.

 

But I liked how you told her you didn't care about any reasons and that you were moving on.

 

If she lies in bed thinking about you and even calling you at midnight, it seems she's trying to convince herself that breaking up with you was the right decision.

 

Just chill and move on with your life. But if she ever hears out again I'd advise that you speak to her on your terms, not hers. Tell her you're busy.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. She just wanted to ease her guilt and you let her off the hook. That's a classic response to "He isn't the reason why we broke up" And you see how the conversation went after that? It's what YOU did. It's what YOU DIDN'T do. Dollars to donuts she took ZERO blame for the demise of the relationship. This was all about easing her guilt.

 

 

And I LOVE how she gave you an ultimatum to call her "You have 1 hour to call me, if not than we cannot talk". At, midnight? What it you were asleep or your phone was charging and you weren't by it? Regardless, you were 4 months into NC and you know DAMN WELL why she dumped you. And here's a hint, it wasn't for the reasons she told you. She was emotionally invested in this co-worker, so she dumped you to pursue him. She probably tried to hide the relationship as long as she could to make it seem that she didn't leave you for someone else. I'm not a betting man, but I would bet my paycheck that she went on a date with this guy within days of breaking up with you. No mourning the lose of you, no mourning the loss of the relationship. She knows she did you wrong. But, it didn't register with her because she was in the honeymoon phase of this new relationship.

 

 

Now, months have gone by, the newness of the relationship is starting to normalize and now she's had some time to think about you and how she did you wrong. She probably thought about why you haven't reached out to her. Why was she getting the silent treatment? WHAT HAVE PEOPLE BEEN TELLING HIM? (I get that when she wrote, I think we have a misunderstanding).

 

 

Giving you an ultimatum was an empty threat. Because she has guilt that she needed to unload. So, she would have written you a letter or an email or an extremely long text after her anger subsided (because HOW DARE you ignore her text!)

 

 

Dude, the only thing you did was let her unload her guilt. Put the blame on you, lie to you about the reasoning and go skipping off into the sunset after dumping all over you.

 

 

Go back to NC and stay there. If anything like this happens again, STOP!!! Take a deep breath and post here instead. trust me, people will be here to walk you through it.

[pidgeon1010]

Gosh that ultimatum really irked me and after 4 months of NC to boot. I would have deleted and ignored but what is done is done. The way things ended has been eating her up and she decided to contact her "victim" and soothe her conscience.

[greenleaves54]

I can't let go of how funny/tragic that ultimatum was. Who does she think she is? Gosh... Surely OP, when you look at it now you hear how it sounded?

 

What did she expect?

 

"Oh hi my little princess! I abandoned everything I was doing to have a chance to speak with you, o high goddess of beauty and wisdom. I know I'm only allowed a limited time with you but I will cherish every second of it!"

 

Bitch, please.

[BC1980]

my first instict is she called to try to justify her reason for leaving me so she can sleep at night, even though i told her i believed her that she didnt leave me for someone else, in my heart and mind i know she left me for him.

 

There's the reason right there. That was my first instinct too. Likely, she did leave you for him, but, in order to feel that she isn't the bad guy, she needs to create a world in which that did not happen. Part of creating that fantasy is calling you and making up some BS about why she left. She needs you to agree to the lie.

[quattrob]

Kind of pointless to focus so much on the "ultimatum" she said. It obviously worked on OP and im guessing he was hoping to get an ego boost (at the very least) from what she had to say but it didnt turn out that way, instead it was the opposite. OP i know why you broke NC but you should know better especially when she gave that ultimatum. This whole scenario reveals what you need to work on. Focus on yourself and dont care about what she does or doesnt do anymore.

[ambitions]

Why did you give in to an ultimatum, esp. after being dumped and after 4 months of NC?

 

Do you have low self-esteem?

 

You should reflect on these questions. If I got a call from a girl who dumped me after 5 years and after 4 months of NC with an ultimatum, I would've laughed out loud or smirked at the least, deleted the msg, and go back to what I was doing.

[Kehv]

I'm in a similar situation right now.

 

Ex left me 4 months ago after a 6 year relationship. Secretly went on a date with a colleague and figured out the guy liked her, 3 days later she dumped me.

 

It came out of the blue for me. I now know she most likely planned her escape but the worst part is that she acted like everything was fine before she decided to pull the trigger.

We still did everything a couple does. She spend everyday with me (she did not live with me due to cultural differences, marry first), still had sex (even the night before she went on that date). We recently made a photo collage of our best photo's (her initiative). 2 weeks before she dumped me we had our 6th anniversary and even used my mobile to message my brother "I'm going to propose to her" (like a joke). We even discussed marriage 1 week before she dumped me. So is it that odd I didn't see it coming?

 

 

 

Like you she was blaming me for everything but did it right from the start. She also told me "I did not leave you for him, I left because of you".

 

It took her around 2 months to get over me. Always wanted to hang out like we were best friends and ****. At one point I just had to end it which she really hated.

 

 

My biggest mistake was loving her too much, she was my whole life. Things are getting better but somehow I still love her even after all she put me through.

 

 

 

Now, 4 months later she still send me some messages from time to time, even offering me I can call her whenever I need help. She's most likely still with him but obviously I blocked her from facebook.

[mightycpa]

you have 1 hour to call me back if not we cannot talk

you already were not talking...not sure how you fell for that one.

[Kehv]

you already were not talking...not sure how you fell for that one.

 

I doubt he was actually over her already as he says he was, otherwise he wouldn't fall for that trap.

 

5 years is a pretty long to just forget about someone who dumped you.

[mightycpa]

I doubt he was actually over her already as he says he was, otherwise he wouldn't fall for that trap.

 

5 years is a pretty long to just forget about someone who dumped you.

The 5 years has little to do with it, believe me, I know. It's all about how the dumpee feels about this person. If they've drunk the Kool-Aid and they believe it is going to be forever, then it doesn't matter if it is a year, three years or five.

 

After four months, he should have been able to resist a message like that. It wasn't kind, it wasn't loving and in fact, it was cold, self-centered and threatening. Your thinking has to twist pretty tight to believe that there is something pleasant waiting for you if you respond. But he couldn't help it because he either wanted to know why, or he wanted to talk to her, and this was the excuse. His reward for calling was that she blamed it all on him, and cast herself as the heroine of the relationship.

 

You have to ask yourself, what prompted that call? Why the odd time? There's a clue in her message:

i think we have a misunderstanding on why i broke up with you

Why would she think that all of a sudden and why would it be so important that she'd call 4 months later at midnight on Saturday night?

 

I think because OP was talking to someone about the breakup, and he expressed his belief that she dumped OP for new guy, and it got back to her on that very same Saturday night. She didn't like what she heard, that she was to blame, and that she tossed him over for somebody new. She took great offense to that, and wanted to clear that nonsense up right away. You can just hear it in her text:

 

i think we have a misunderstanding on why i broke up with you, if you want to talk you have 1 hour to call me back if not we cannot talk.

 

Then, if you go back and read OP's "I just got dumped out of the blue" post, you'll see that her reasons today are consistent with what she said back then. She'd had all she could stand of his particular brand of bull****, and she bolted. If you feel like that, then one month to get a new boyfriend isn't "too short" a time.

 

Obviously, I don't really know, but that makes a lot of sense to me.

 

So, OP, I have some advice. Instead of thinking this was some BS excuse, or that she's pining over you secretly, try to face reality. She's totally finished with you. You're the one who hasn't really grieved properly, and it's biting you in the ass. You guys are done. Except for the extent that it will affect your future relationships, why doesn't matter any more. Look back, see if you can learn something, accept your loss and move on.

Edited October 28, 2015 by mightycpa

[Kehv]

I've read his original post now and it's scary because it looks pretty similar to mine.

 

My ex said she would go out with friends, turned out it was a guy. At the night she went on a date with him i felt something was wrong, just a gut feeling.

The next few days she acted distant and she would eventually dump me 3 days after that date.

 

My ex told me she couldn't take it anymore, I asked if there was another guy, which she obviously denied. The difference is that I knew something must've been going on so 3 days later after she came to grab her stuff from my appartment I went to check her facebook, that's how I found out.

 

At first my ex wasn't even sure about this guy and she even went on Tinder so perhaps she could find someone else. Eventually the guy and her were officially together not even 2 weeks after she dumped me + had sex. Afterwards they already booked a holiday together which they went on 1 Month and 3 weeks after I got dumped...

 

So OP I can tell, with almost certainty, that your ex had someone lined up already. When I confronted my ex about the other guy she tried to clear her name by saying she did not cheat on me (except for the date) and **** like that. If I did not find out perhaps she could've kept it silent for weeks/months so it didn't look that bad. Your ex on the other hand is trying to clear her name now.

 

It's hard, believe me I know. Almost no indication she wasn't happy before she dumped me. The main reason is probably because she thought she could do better and then a suitable candidate comes along and she pursues that one.

Whether the new guy is better or not it really doesn't matter now. She decided to dump you and chase the other guy.

 

My personal take on this (and tell me if you disagree) is that in cases like this your ex will still compare you to the new guy. If they decide you were the 'better' one they will try to reach out to you after like 6 months. Surprisingly, at this point you have finally fully got over your ex and moved on. At this point you don't even want them back anymore.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Kehv

[Ifeelok]

thanks for all the replys guys, and you guys are right i shouldnt have responded at all i should have known better, I guess i wanted some type of closure to help me move on. Im still not completely over her and i do miss her every day but im strong enough to keep away not text, call or even look at her social media. i actually posted something om tumblr about how i was finally letting go and accepting that we where never going to get back together, somehow she found it and apparently what i wrote bothered her enough to contact me. She also said that she was at a Halloween party at the time and that her new bf was at work and could only talk then. If you ask me that's kind of shady.

 

Yes, i did get upset and we would argue but when we argued i would always try to work things out and accept my mistakes, but every time i did that she would get upset and say i was only ignoring problems. I wasnt perfect, but i tried my best and i guess what bothers me the most is how quick she got over me, at the end of the day i take this as a lesson for my future relationship with whomever it may be.

 

I wasnt mean, i wasnt rude, and yes it hurt me to hear her voice but im an adult and i took like an adult i wished her nothing but the best and hung up. for me the hardest part of everything is adjusting to being alone now, doing things we used to do together now do them alone, as for her she doesnt have to worry about that since she has a new distraction now, i hope i can keep going strong with NC and move on.

 

i really do appreciate all the support i receive from this website, it helps to know there are better days and that with time we can learn to let go and grow as a person.

[Kehv]

Yes it feels unfair they got over us so quickly but if you think about it, it's not that odd.

 

Women emotionally detach themselves over time and apparently keep acting like everything is OK (in my experience anyways). There's something that bothers them for some time and then they start to go look around for other men.

 

If there wasn't another guy in the picture then they would've stayed longer but they probably would've left anyways. You know why? Because most men don't really listen to their woman, they gave us hints from time to time what we should fix and we didn't.

 

I made the same mistake. I expected that she would always stay with me and I could fix things on time whenever needed. Now it's too late.

[EO422]

Man wtf. What in the world is wrong with dumpers. One hour? Really?

[Kehv]

Man wtf. What in the world is wrong with dumpers. One hour? Really?

 

Yeah it seems like this girl is a real bossy one

 

She wants validation even 4 months after break up. Too bad OP did not set her straight and left her to wait, that would've really pissed her off.

[Ifeelok]

i know i wasnt perfect but got dammit i tried my hardest gave her 110% day in and day out. She even said it herself before me every other guy treated her like crap, didnt value her as a women and didnt respect her. As for me i stood up for her, valued her and took care of her always put her first before anyone else and now i see maybe thats why it was so easy to leave without feeling any pain. at the end of the day its a lesson learned and i much rather learn this lesson at 25 than 10 years later.

 

i went out with my head up didnt talk bad or have talked bad about her, treated this the mature way. i was raised by a single mother with 5 other brothers and we all respect and treat women as best as we can and if my ex thinks she can do better than me, then good for her i wish her nothing but the best.

[deathstar86]

I really feel that chick is a sociopath to do that to you. You went nc with her for 4 months and she pulls that on you screw her, live your life bro and leave her in the past. A lot of things are easier said then done, but this is on you have to do regardless just say good ridden and just try to make yourself the best man you can be. You will meet a chick a million times better then her just move forward with you life

[deathstar86]

Lol right on brother, Never blame yourself if you were a decent man with her and do not try to pin point what went wrong, there could be a bunch of stuff. The whole venus and mars concept is very true don't try to read women too deeply u might not get out alive hehe.

[Kehv]

The harsh reality is that it seems like being a 'good guy' doesn't make them stay, I found out the hard way myself.

 

I'm not saying you should cheat on your partner or beat them up but being too nice ends up you being a doormat. Once the woman is treating you as a doormat she won't respect you anymore.

 

Most posts of guys here are from guys that were the 'good guys'. I always thought I was being the greatest guy towards my ex...

[Kehv]

Well at least that made me feel a little better, still doesn't bring her back but I genuinly know I was good to her. She simply wanted something better in her eyes.

[Kehv]

Yeah true, who says the guy is actually 'better', she didn't even know him that well before she dumped me. I don't think she was dating him before she pulled the plug since she was with me like all the time.

 

The sad thing is that I dedicated my life to her (which could be one of the problems). I didn't need any other girl for the rest of my life, just this one. Surely, there are better looking girls out there (not like I can get them all but still...) but I never cared about them.

 

We'll see what happens. Like I said it seems most ex's reach out to you after 6 months if they think you were the better of the two. At this point you are pretty much over her, which may be the reason why they reach out.

I honestly believe there's some kind of energy that connects us. My gut feeling told me there was something wrong when my ex secretly was on that date. I do think whenever I'm over her she somehow feels it.

 

I honestly can't tell if I would take her back. I guess it all depends if I can find another great girl in the meantime. If I can't find any woman I like I might give her another go but only if she works really hard for it.

However, my opinion might change in about 2 months or so. Right now I still think a lot about her but I'm also start to rationalise. It would probably just take one cute looking woman to get over my ex. Too bad I'm just average looking so I can't really get the cute ones through Tinder haha.