kismetkismet Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I've been dating my current boyfriend for a bit over a month, so it's quite new.. but things have been going very well and moving at quite a steady pace. My last boyfriend had lots of close female friends, so the fact that one of my best friends is male never bothered him in the slightest. prior to that 2yr relationship I wasn't as close with my male best friend (let's call him alex) so I didn't really have to deal with it. Alex and I have been friends for 3-4 years or so but became especially close in the last couple of years - while we were both in relationships. We were both single for the first half of our friendship and nothing ever happened so it's not a missed opportunity sort of situation, we just don't have romantic chemistry. However we're very close.. I talk to him every day, hang out with him and his/our friends 1-2 times a week, he knows nearly everything about me, a lot of my friends I met through him, we provide each other with emotional support etc etc. So I can see how from an outside perspective it could seem a little odd. We used to hang out alone for the most part, going for drinks and/or dinner, to movies or concerts, but now that I'm friends with more of his friends that happens less frequently. I don't think Alex really sees the problem with it because 90% of his close friends are females and gay males. He's sort of like my gay bff that just happens to be straight. I want to make my current boyfriend as comfortable as possible with the situation, but I also don't want to be a bad friend to Alex, who has been an incredible friend to me. He's one of the very few friends that I can truly count on and one of the people that i connect with intellectually in a way that i don't with most people (I do connect with my bf that way as well). He was also a huge support to me during my last break up (as well as a couple of deaths in the family), and is now going through one himself, and it would be a really bad friend move to 'get space' from the friendship right now. I know there are a lot of very bitter people on this site that are all, NO CLOSE OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS EVER, and to you guys I'd like to ask you to just not bother giving me input. I'm not ditching one of my very favourite people just because he has a penis. To the rest of you, how can I make my boyfriend feel as comfortable as possible with this situation? What sorts of boundaries do you think are reasonable?
EricaH329 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 This is an incredibly valid question. A situation that I, too, have found myself in. I would update your boyfriend about what's going on with Alex - just as you would a girl best friend - so he knows why you're giving Alex a bit of extra attention. I assume you've already explained the friendship that you and Alex have with your boyfriend, and your boyfriend understands. Having a best friend of the opposite sex isn't everyones cup of tea - and not everyone understands it. I think the most important advice I can give you is to not treat Alex any differently than you would a girl best friend. If you do, it gives off the impression that your relationship with Alex IS different. And it's not.
Author kismetkismet Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 That's good advice! I definitely do treat him like one of my girlfriends and nothing more. My bf knows about Alex and his situation, he actually helped me move Alex's ex girlfriend out of their apartment while Alex was out of town - they ended on good terms and she needed help. He hasn't actually met Alex yet because he's been out of town, but he will soon. He has heard of him a fair amount, but I haven't like.. sat him down and had a talk with him about our friendship. I wasn't sure if that would make it seem like a bigger deal than it actually is...
deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 In my experience, real and genuine friendships don't require constant maintenance. If Alex is a real friend, he will understand that you are focusing on your relationship and he won't mind a little distance between you. Once you introduce him to your BF and they become friends I don't see it being a problem. But when you are in a relationship, you really shouldn't need other men in your life. Be careful to keep your boyfriend first. Many people think confiding things in their opposite-sex-friend is harmless, but it's a slippery slope that leads to "emotional cheating" if you aren't careful. Google "emotional cheating". It doesn't mean what you would think. It's more about giving your energy, trust and secrets to someone else when it should be going to your partner. Make a point of not letting your relationship stray into that territory and you should be fine. 1
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 how can I make my boyfriend feel as comfortable as possible with this situation? What sorts of boundaries do you think are reasonable? You can't make anyone feel anything. You can just be yourself and if he has a problem, talk to him and deal with it appropriately. As for boundaries. Don't stay overnight with him alone. Don't cuddle on his bed watching a movie. Don't ask him to help take your bra off. Obvious stuff really. Anything you would be uncomfortable with him doing with another girl, it's a safe bet that he would be uncomfortable with you doing it too. And yes, having your BF meet Alex and get to know each other will help. Any opposite-sex friends should be a friend of the relationship, not just of you on your own. 5
Miss Peach Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I'm in the same boat. My two closest friends are men - one gay one I've known since childhood and one straight one I met 5 years ago. I wouldn't want to be romantically involved with either of them. I have been wanting BF to meet the straight one especially since he's my roommate. He's already met the gay one. But my straight friend doesn't want to bother until we've been together longer. I'm respecting my friend's feeling right now about it but I have asked him not to put me in an uncomfortable position where I have to choose. My friend can be passive aggressive when he doesn't want to do something. I don't want BF to feel there is anything going on or to worry about and that starts with him meeting my male friends IMO. I also make it a point not to do anything I wouldn't want another woman doing to BF.
Author kismetkismet Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Deadelvis- I hear that sort of argument a lot and I find it confusing. I'm also bisexual, so does that mean that having close emotional relationships with my female friends is also "emotional cheating"? That said, I am careful not to discuss emotional details of my relationships with him, though I do have other emotional conversations with him. I very much disagree with the argument that you shouldn't need another man when you have a boyfriend.. it's not as though they are performing the same role. However, definitely important to keep the boyfriend first in emotional matters and that sort of thing. Miss Peach - that is tough that your straight friend doesn't want to meet your bf, do you know why? Alex will want to meet mine, I don't think he sees the difference between male and female friendship. 2
Jejangles Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 This is interesting, I guess I am kind of on the other side of it. I have been on a few dates with a guy who seems to have lots of female friends (he works in an industry dominated by females and gay men, so it's not really surprising). It's early days, but it doesn't really bother me, I assume if he wanted to date them he would. Now if it turned out he had a "partner replacement" friend or crush or something like that, that would change things, but for now I will assume it's all kosher! My friend's husband was raised pretty much solely by women and has always been more comfortable with women. He has quite a few female friends, and it has never caused an issue with my friend, because he prioritises her and makes it clear she comes first. I think that is the key - it doesn't matter what sex your partner's friends are, at a certain point, you just have to know you are the priority in their life. If your guy is worth your time, he will understand that you have a long-standing friendship with your friend and your friend needs you. All those years of friendship don't get swept away because of a new romantic relationship. Make your guy feel important and special to you and he won't need to worry about your relationships with others. 1
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I agree the dynamic of your relationship with your male friend does have to change when you start dating someone. Out of respect for your BF, you need to have set boundaries. Remember your BF is now the one you should confide intimate details and go for support. That is one of the most important details of being in a committed relationship, so your friend needs to step down out of that role. I'm not saying to cut him out completely, just common sense to "adjust" how much time, and how you spend time together. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Do stuff with both of them when possible & convenient. If you can get them to be friendly & your BF can come to understand that there is no threat he should be more comfortable. I have a few guy friends. When I first met DH I went out of my way to have them interact. I encouraged my buddies to befriend DH. Some days I think I did too good of a job because many of the boys abandoned me for DH lol 2
gustia Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Hi! This is an excellent topic. I'm on the other side of the fence (from your boyfriend's position)(read my latest post). How would it change things if Alex admitted to having feelings towards you? Would you tell him no and try to still keep him as a friend, and if so... for that to happen, what would need to be done ?
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