Still lost, even years after break-up

[Melrapuo]

Hi everyone,

 

Haven't really been on in a long time, but felt like I needed some sort of outlet.

 

If you want to know my full story, please go here. The break up is listed towards the end of this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/310999-thought-contacting-ex-3-4-years-ago

 

Anyway, I've spent the last 2.5 years really focusing on myself. Still working at the same place but really not happy about it and trying to see if i have other options. I work out (run) daily, and haven't felt this physically good in years. I'm now 28, and not living at home, so you'd think that would be great.

 

However, since my last break up, I haven't dated at all. No dates, no sex, nothing. I've gone out, socialized, made friends. But I've completely avoided dating. I just don't feel like it appeals to me. I see girls, and girls show obvious interest in me (and some of these girls are very, very attractive.) However, I just don't feel anything when other girls show interest. Its like i don't care about sex or love at all, but I also miss being in a relationship with someone. Its the strangest thing, really.

 

I've managed my depression, and I have my good and bad days. There have been a lot of bad days lately, but I am on anti-anxiety meds and they seem to help out, along with exercising and keeping myself busy. But I just cannot seem to get myself motivated enough to date. And, after several years of being single, its starting to get kind of lonely.

 

The other thing is, I keep having dreams about my ex. In some dreams, we're together and happy and having fun, and I wake up and realize it wasn't real. In others, she's telling me its over and that I need to stop thinking about her. I'm not consciously thinking about her ever (at least that I notice). She pops up every now and then, and I feel sad, but beyond that these dreams seem very random.

 

I haven't spoken to her in years. I have her blocked on facebook and the last time we spoke was to finalize any sort of money or item exchange we needed to. I never told her that we couldn't talk again, but our last conversation wasn't really about much. Weirder still, at moments where she has had my number and tried to get in contact with me (she works at a vet office and one of my family's cats were dying), she told one of my close friends to let me know that i can visit the office instead of just texting me directly.

 

I know that I do miss her. I also know that its over, and its been over for years. The problem is, I just can't seem to consciously shake it off or get her out of my head sometimes. I'm truthfully not sure if I just miss her too much to move on, or if I really just miss the good parts of dating and haven't been able to move on because I haven't dated. And even then it becomes a problem, because the idea of dating doesn't appeal to me anymore (or at least at this time.)

 

Is it normal, this long out after a break up, to still be doing this? I figured by now I would've moved on and recovered from everything, but I'm 28 and I still feel like I'm struggling sometimes.

[JollyDays]

LOL

 

 

Don't mean to condescend, but, I hope you issues don't end up like mine. I've been struggling for over a decade with a breakup and I haven't been in a relationship since. It's absolutely pathetic, and I have met a number of women over the years, but I never found a spark with any of them that parlayed into a new relationship.

 

 

I remembered nodding my head in agreement when you talked about the need for companionship. I find myself feeling absolutely hopeless and worthless these days, as I have social anxiety disorder, which makes it very difficult to deal with mustering up the courage to approach women and introduce myself.

 

 

I've been told by a therapist that I need meds to deal with it, but I refused to take them.

 

 

In any event, you just have to get out there and expose yourself to the world. She's probably moved on to another relationship, so why dwell on her? The time spent thinking about her is keeping you from finding the right lady.

 

 

Don't be 38 like me and regretting choices that you made, thus ending up alone.

[Melrapuo]

Haha, yea I feel ya. That's where I'm at right now, but dating feels pretty daunting right now. I don't even know where, or how, to begin. It's just been so long since i asked a girl out, and I have no potentials that I'm even considering. Dating sucks.

[Omei]

I feel the same 3 years single..

 

I did try dating and it didnt go well I used to update my dating adventures here but now it seems I don't date at all. Dreams real and saddening. I am lonely also and wish to meet someone that person just hasn't come yet.

 

If dating feels like a chore still I wouldnt worry about it at that time till your mood changes.

 

Im off and on some months im ready to fall deeply in love all over again can't wait and other months usually after having run ins with men im put off completely.

 

Right now my interest is very low.

[Melrapuo]

Recycling my old post because a new thread would just be redundant

 

A few weeks ago I went out and met up with some friends. A girl was there who Id known for years, and we started talking for a little. We'd never really talked before (she was friends with one of my ex's) so this was us just bull****ting. Anyway, while we were chatting, she kinda bumped her shoulder into mine, but stayed here for a good minute or two. I tried not to look much into it, but it had been the first real physical contact I had with a girl in years. Strange thing is, that alone just felt great. I considered seeing if maybe it could go any further, but she had just recently broken up with her BF and I tend to make myself the rebound in most situations, so I just took a step back and waited to see what happened.

 

She's since gotten back with her bf, but that physical contact strangely opened up some feelings again that I hadn't remember for years. I'm starting to realize that I'm just miserable because of how I'm living. There are two girls that I absolutely know would want to date me, but I can't distinguish between me being apprehensive and me just not being attracted enough to them.

 

My friends say I should just go out and get laid, and I'm kinda starting to believe that maybe they're right. I've never been one to do that, though, and in the past sex has always led to a relationship. Maybe I just overthink things too much now, but I never really put much though into relationships in the beginning (i.e. Watching out for red flags)

[Hoosfoos]

Ha!

 

This thread piqued my interest.

 

Just be glad that you're only 28 and dealing with your current situation. I'm a month away from turning 46. I was dumped over 2 years ago by someone I cherished deeply. The hurt was unimaginable. It's still with me. I haven't had a single date, sexual encounter, fling, flirt, or anything since. A total wasteland. I haven't met anyone who has been remotely interesting or appropriate. I feel completely worthless and undateable.

 

At this point I'm trying to get used to the fact that the dating scene is done for me. I've pretty much thrown in the towel because what's the point.

 

Not trying to hijack your thread, just be aware there are others who are envious of your position in life.

[Zapbasket]

I can relate. While I have been on some dates, I haven't really "dated" since my last relationship ended in 2013. I was a mess for a long time after the breakup, and even now, I just don't feel a huge interest in dating, at least not dating for dating's sake.

 

I think broken relationships can leave huge, deep scars. We tend to expect that after a period of mourning, where you have to adjust to a huge change in your life and routine, that things resume at "normal" and you have "moved on." But at least in my experience, and it seems in others', as well, there then is a residue of sorts, in the depths of your being, that can take a very long time to overcome. It's not something you can very easily talk about with others, because it sounds like you're stuck when you do, like you haven't "moved on" at all. I don't believe this is the case; it's rather that there are so many layers to loving and being with someone, those deepest layers can really linger.

 

This is only conjecture, because obviously I haven't experienced this yet, but I believe, or trust, that eventually someone will come along who will spark your interest in a big way, and that will be motivation to "date" again. Until then, I don't see anything wrong with not dating. Why should you, if your heart just isn't in it? I think it's one thing if you are actively shunning opportunities to get to know and experience some interesting people, if you are so afraid that you squash your natural inclination to pursue people who attract you...but if you don't find anyone who really attracts you, then who's to say it's "unhealthy" to decide to put your focus on other things? Dating when you're heart and soul are just not in it seems like a waste of time--your own, as well as that of your date(s).

 

I also relate to feeling lonely. I'm even thinking of moving from where I live, because I have not encountered ANYONE who sparks my interest, not even in the tiniest bit. Just this past weekend, though, I ended up spending time with someone I knew loosely through work, and at most found him genuinely nice and enjoyed his company, so I have accepted his invite to go out again this week, but even then I just feel kind-of, "Meh." And I've asked myself whether this is because he just doesn't really interest me, or if he doesn't interest me because I'm still grappling with some hurt deep inside, that really deep residue I was talking about. I think it's both. The hurt part is that now I know how terribly damaging it can be to be in a relationship that goes bad, or was wrong from the start. It wastes precious time and it just hurts like hell. So why bother, unless you are absolutely WOWed by someone from the start? Why go through the motions, when there is no clear reward other than an evening out, maybe some sex if you can do casual (I can't)--and other than sex, frankly I can have more fun out with friends, where there aren't any expectations or possibilities of mixed messages like who pays and why did he do that and what does it mean and should I call him and blah blah? When you're single, it seems like the greatest thing would be to get to be in a relationship, but after having been really hurt, it's hard not to acknowledge that being in a relationship is no bowl of strawberries, necessarily, either. The grass always seems greener but all grass has to be mowed and fertilized and tended and still bugs can destroy it, sun can scorch it, etc.

 

My tactic is just to keep living my life, and taking chances to keep making it better. I'll go on the date this week if it pans out, solely because I feel it's me taking that chance, being open to being pleasantly surprised. But if not, I'm not going to disrupt my single-hood just so I can have a relationship. Not worth it. Happiness seems to be abundant in other ways and places than just being in a romance, even though at times, I think we all are susceptible to believing otherwise.

[angel.eyes]

...I'm truthfully not sure if I just miss her too much to move on, or if I really just miss the good parts of dating and haven't been able to move on because I haven't dated. And even then it becomes a problem, because the idea of dating doesn't appeal to me anymore (or at least at this time.)

 

Is it normal, this long out after a break up, to still be doing this? I figured by now I would've moved on and recovered from everything, but I'm 28 and I still feel like I'm struggling sometimes.

 

There is a third possibility--maybe you're afraid to have your heart broken again? Maybe that's why dating doesn't appeal to you even though you feel lonely at times? Just something to consider

 

In terms of normal, please don't beat yourself up because you didn't recover completely by some self-imposed deadline. Everyone recovers from loss and heartbreak at a different pace. You're trying to move on. You have no contact with your ex. You're doing all the right things. Your heart will eventually catch up.

[privategal]

Now that a lot of time has gone by, why dont you swing by her work, tell her you were in the neighborhood, see if she is ooen to a coffee or beer.

Sounds like maybe just finding peace would do the trick.

[Melrapuo]

Now that a lot of time has gone by, why dont you swing by her work, tell her you were in the neighborhood, see if she is ooen to a coffee or beer.

Sounds like maybe just finding peace would do the trick.

 

Yea she's been with another guy since 3 months after we broke up, and that was back in 2013. I don't feel like that's a good idea. We ended our relationship because she was talking to a guy behind my back. For me to talk to her while she's dating someone else? Not appealing - especially when that puts me in the same position as the guy I hated all those years ago. Not worth it. If she wanted to talk to me, she knows how to.

 

I had her blocked on FB, but I unblocked her a month or so ago because I felt like I was past it enough to do that. Funny thing is, that's all I did. I haven't looked at her profile once...but unblocking her felt like a big weight off my shoulders. Like I was more than strong enough to not be "afraid" of her.

 

One thing that does bug me though - her older sister, who I'm not friends with on FB, keeps liking my profile pics every time I put a new one up, and did so before I unblocked my ex. Her family always seemed to like me, a lot. Her mom even referred to me as her future son in law on a few occasions. It felt nice. That was hard to let go of, too. I don't mind it, but every now and then I'm kind of wishing it didn't bug me as much.

[Melrapuo]

There is a third possibility--maybe you're afraid to have your heart broken again? Maybe that's why dating doesn't appeal to you even though you feel lonely at times? Just something to consider

 

In terms of normal, please don't beat yourself up because you didn't recover completely by some self-imposed deadline. Everyone recovers from loss and heartbreak at a different pace. You're trying to move on. You have no contact with your ex. You're doing all the right things. Your heart will eventually catch up.

 

Oh that's part of it, too. All the people I've dated have dumped me after a LTR. I used to think it was just me, but I always took a majority of the blame when it really was mistakes on both sides. The last break up though...it just shook me pretty bad. I can't remember any of the good parts of dating anymore. I know I had plenty of them, but I guess I'm in the mindset of "eventually it's going to fall apart, so it's not worth it."

[Souldier1234]

Oh that's part of it, too. All the people I've dated have dumped me after a LTR. I used to think it was just me, but I always took a majority of the blame when it really was mistakes on both sides. The last break up though...it just shook me pretty bad. I can't remember any of the good parts of dating anymore. I know I had plenty of them, but I guess I'm in the mindset of "eventually it's going to fall apart, so it's not worth it."

 

This is the truth about most breaks up, the mistake is on both sides. If two people valued each other and had respect for one another and could forgive one another, then the relationship can be salvaged. But most breaks I've seen, people are quick to give up and move on. The hard part is trusting someone after they have disappointed you and forgetting past hurts is mostly hard as well.

I am of the same mindset as you, that you end up thinking its not worth it, because I also feel it will eventually fall apart. I say take your time. Love is desirable but it not essential for you to enjoy your time on earth. Take it from me, someone who has had their heart broken a lot of times. I've learned that the purpose of life, is to give purpose to your life.

[privategal]

Yea she's been with another guy since 3 months after we broke up, and that was back in 2013. I don't feel like that's a good idea. We ended our relationship because she was talking to a guy behind my back. For me to talk to her while she's dating someone else? Not appealing - especially when that puts me in the same position as the guy I hated all those years ago. Not worth it. If she wanted to talk to me, she knows how to.

 

I had her blocked on FB, but I unblocked her a month or so ago because I felt like I was past it enough to do that. Funny thing is, that's all I did. I haven't looked at her profile once...but unblocking her felt like a big weight off my shoulders. Like I was more than strong enough to not be "afraid" of her.

 

One thing that does bug me though - her older sister, who I'm not friends with on FB, keeps liking my profile pics every time I put a new one up, and did so before I unblocked my ex. Her family always seemed to like me, a lot. Her mom even referred to me as her future son in law on a few occasions. It felt nice. That was hard to let go of, too. I don't mind it, but every now and then I'm kind of wishing it didn't bug me as much.

Sorry I didnt know the backstory and thiught her invite to her work was recent.

Either way healing CAN take years and its ok and normal that your heart still aches. FB is becoming irrelevant in my life and sometimes I deactivate my fb account for a few months. Try it.

[Weathersf1]

My thoughts are my prayers are with you man. Your pain highlights the kind of person you are and the commitment you made to her. I'm 4 month out of a 3 year relationship and I have absolutely 0 desire to be with anyone. I have had 6 dates since then and all I did during those was mentally nit pick every thing about those women.

 

I realized right away I wasn't ready to be with anyone and all I do is think about how great she was and how I messed up all day, every day. Some days are better than others but its still there just about every hour.

 

I'm 42, a full-time single dad and my daughter gives me hope and purpose. If she wasn't with me, I probably would have committed suicide by now cause whats the point.

 

I know from experience that life hardly ever turns out the way you thought or expected. So hopefully, even if we don't find someone, we will wake up one day and feel no pain. Thats all I want now