Httm Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Hello there. I had 3 unrelated questions that I was wondering if I could everyone's feedback on. Quick background. I have been with a girl for 3 months now and we have been spending 2-3x a week together. 1. In the past, I have been quick to say "I love you." I have always meant it and the times that I said it always ended up being long term relationships. This time, I am waiting longer, even though I have felt it strongly in the past month. While I like the idea of saying things as I feel them, I don't want to come across in a way that might scare her off, so I have been patient and simply have been enjoying the relationship. In this forum's opinion, is it more reasonable to say these words, A. 1-2 months in. B. 3-4 months in. C. 5-6 Months in. D. 7+ Of course, every person, relationship, and situation is different. I understand this, but just wanted to get some feedback on other peoples' thoughts! 2. Is there a such thing about being too nice, and having the niceness scare someone in some way? I am referring to often listening to one's partner, taking it into consideration, and following through, etc. An example(similar to, but not exactly like what happened recently for us). Let's say we both gave each other massages and really liked the experience and talked about doing it again in the near future. Let's say that she mentioned that it would be really nice to get a scented massage oil that she liked for the next time, and then I went out and got what she had suggested. Then, we had an awesome time doing it and she really appreciated that I listened and followed through with it. I like doing these kind of sweet things, but it just got me thinking. Is there ever a point when doing too much of the above can scare someone? I guess it is just the thought of the bad boys getting all the attention and love, that the idea of a guy treating a girl right could be scary. What do you guys think? 3. I was hesitant to post my questions here and details that could lead to identify me personally here. The chances of my partner being here on these forums are incredibly high of course, but if she did read my thoughts here or that I reached out to get peoples' opinions, I'd imagine it could have the effect of having me look poorly. What is everyone's thoughts on this? I guess I just like the idea of seeing how everyone thinks and how they would approach things! Thanks for reading(if you survived it all!). This was my first post here!
theredpill Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) 1) You wait till she says it first and means it by her actions 2) You only buy gifts on Birthdays/Christmas etc (unless she's buying you little things) being kind isn't a problem, being a pushover is... if you're buying things and she isn't stop immediately 3) She won't find out ps, if she's not saying it within 2 months, you're not doing things right. Edited October 27, 2015 by theredpill
Author Httm Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Any more thoughts? Also, Pill, what time frame those choices do you believe to be the most reasonable?
startinganew777 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 That isn't true Pill. I have been dating a guy for 3months and I am head over heals for him. He is the nicest, sweetest guy I have ever been with. He still hasn't said I love you. He told me a couple months back that every time he falls in love or says I love you, something happens and the relationship goes down the drain. Although I want to say it to him, I don't wanna scare him. I believe he loves me by his actions but I am not so sure he will say it anytime soon. In every relationship I have been in, I have NEVER said it first. Even if I felt it. So her not saying it within 2 months time, doesn't mean she doesn't feel it as well. She may be worried about scaring him off.
Siquijor Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 1. Be extremely careful of who you say "I love you" too, because they can use your vulnerability against you, or like you said, you could completely scare them off. There's not really a time limit but I would advise you not to say it too early even if you really mean it especially if you haven't got the vibes from her where she may feel the same way about you. 2. IMO getting her respect is far more important than being overly nice in the early stages. Furthermore, being overly nice only works with certain types, so it can be a gamble if you don't know her properly. 3. You are worrying too much. 1
katiegrl Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Hello there. I had 3 unrelated questions that I was wondering if I could everyone's feedback on. Quick background. I have been with a girl for 3 months now and we have been spending 2-3x a week together. 1. In the past, I have been quick to say "I love you." I have always meant it and the times that I said it always ended up being long term relationships. This time, I am waiting longer, even though I have felt it strongly in the past month. While I like the idea of saying things as I feel them, I don't want to come across in a way that might scare her off, so I have been patient and simply have been enjoying the relationship. In this forum's opinion, is it more reasonable to say these words, A. 1-2 months in. B. 3-4 months in. C. 5-6 Months in. D. 7+ I think you should continue doing what you have been doing... why change what's apparently been working? Then again, if this time you feel more comfortable waiting a bit, that's okay too. Everyone's timetable is different, one person might feel comfortable saying it (and meaning it) after 1-2 months, another person might not feel comfortable saying it until after 1 year! There is nothing wrong with saying it sooner rather than later, as long as you are confident the feeling is reciprocated. The fact it's led to long term relationships speaks volumes and indicates you are doing everything "right," so okay to keep doing what you're doing....as I said why change what's working? On the other hand, if your gut is telling you... you may scare her off, then wait a bit.... IMO either way is fine... just say it whenever you're comfortable. Don't overthink it. Edited October 28, 2015 by katiegrl
Versacehottie Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Hello there. I had 3 unrelated questions that I was wondering if I could everyone's feedback on. Quick background. I have been with a girl for 3 months now and we have been spending 2-3x a week together. 1. In the past, I have been quick to say "I love you." I have always meant it and the times that I said it always ended up being long term relationships. This time, I am waiting longer, even though I have felt it strongly in the past month. While I like the idea of saying things as I feel them, I don't want to come across in a way that might scare her off, so I have been patient and simply have been enjoying the relationship. In this forum's opinion, is it more reasonable to say these words, A. 1-2 months in. B. 3-4 months in. C. 5-6 Months in. D. 7+ Of course, every person, relationship, and situation is different. I understand this, but just wanted to get some feedback on other peoples' thoughts! This question should not be answered in a logical manner. It should be said when it feels emotionally right and you can't peg that into a multiple choice number answer. In other words, like you did before: SAY IT WHEN YOU MEAN IT AND IT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU. 2. Is there a such thing about being too nice, and having the niceness scare someone in some way? I am referring to often listening to one's partner, taking it into consideration, and following through, etc. An example(similar to, but not exactly like what happened recently for us). Let's say we both gave each other massages and really liked the experience and talked about doing it again in the near future. Let's say that she mentioned that it would be really nice to get a scented massage oil that she liked for the next time, and then I went out and got what she had suggested. Then, we had an awesome time doing it and she really appreciated that I listened and followed through with it. I like doing these kind of sweet things, but it just got me thinking. Is there ever a point when doing too much of the above can scare someone? I guess it is just the thought of the bad boys getting all the attention and love, that the idea of a guy treating a girl right could be scary. What do you guys think? Yes, you can be too nice where it affects the relationship detrimentally or scares someone away. 3. I was hesitant to post my questions here and details that could lead to identify me personally here. The chances of my partner being here on these forums are incredibly high of course, but if she did read my thoughts here or that I reached out to get peoples' opinions, I'd imagine it could have the effect of having me look poorly. What is everyone's thoughts on this? Yes, if you think there is a high likelyhood of her coming on here, then you will need to be vague about details because YES it could very likely reflect poorly. For the reason that you didn't discuss privately with her and for the reason that she doesn't like the content of your thoughts or they upset her. I guess I just like the idea of seeing how everyone thinks and how they would approach things! Thanks for reading(if you survived it all!). This was my first post here! See my answers above in bold. 2
StBreton Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) Hello there. I had 3 unrelated questions that I was wondering if I could everyone's feedback on. Quick background. I have been with a girl for 3 months now and we have been spending 2-3x a week together. 1. In the past, I have been quick to say "I love you." I have always meant it and the times that I said it always ended up being long term relationships. This time, I am waiting longer, even though I have felt it strongly in the past month. While I like the idea of saying things as I feel them, I don't want to come across in a way that might scare her off, so I have been patient and simply have been enjoying the relationship. In this forum's opinion, is it more reasonable to say these words, A. 1-2 months in. B. 3-4 months in. C. 5-6 Months in. D. 7+ Of course, every person, relationship, and situation is different. I understand this, but just wanted to get some feedback on other peoples' thoughts! 2. Is there a such thing about being too nice, and having the niceness scare someone in some way? I am referring to often listening to one's partner, taking it into consideration, and following through, etc. An example(similar to, but not exactly like what happened recently for us). Let's say we both gave each other massages and really liked the experience and talked about doing it again in the near future. Let's say that she mentioned that it would be really nice to get a scented massage oil that she liked for the next time, and then I went out and got what she had suggested. Then, we had an awesome time doing it and she really appreciated that I listened and followed through with it. I like doing these kind of sweet things, but it just got me thinking. Is there ever a point when doing too much of the above can scare someone? I guess it is just the thought of the bad boys getting all the attention and love, that the idea of a guy treating a girl right could be scary. What do you guys think? 3. I was hesitant to post my questions here and details that could lead to identify me personally here. The chances of my partner being here on these forums are incredibly high of course, but if she did read my thoughts here or that I reached out to get peoples' opinions, I'd imagine it could have the effect of having me look poorly. What is everyone's thoughts on this? I guess I just like the idea of seeing how everyone thinks and how they would approach things! Thanks for reading(if you survived it all!). This was my first post here! Welcome to LS httm! Ok question 1...I like somewhere between 3-4 and 5-6 month ranges ...it's mostly happened to me around the 3-4 month range ...I've only said it once first...I was married ~18 yrs and had 6 LTRs before marriage. I think that 3-4 months I just start feeling like I know the person ...care about them ...see a future with them ...and feel a special bond. The guys I've been with apparently felt the same and uttered the words first. If you're wondering about saying it first yourself ...express your emotions with zero expectations ...if the other person is not at your stage it's ok ...every person has their own timeframe for these emotions or comfort in expressing them. Question 2 This "nice" factor ...depends on age ...when in my early 20s ...I was pretty standoffish in relationships and the too nice guys ...I wasn't interested. I was having too much fun being single and didn't want to be married so held the nice guys off. I was engaged and broke it off ...to a really nice guy. Late 20s ...I started to wake up out of whatever fog I was in ...and started to appreciate the really nice giving guys. 30+ I only date giving expressive guys. I don't want to be smothered though. I want to be able to do nice things for the relationship too so wouldn't want someone doing everything ...give me room To do nice things too. I'm still that way now. I love your spontaneous ideas of getting the scented massage oils etc ...you aren't single and over 40 by any chance are you lol. I think you're sweet and hope the girl you're dating is really nice and appreciates you. Question 3 I wish my ex had found a forum like this to get some help ...but he was too busy trying to make a million $$ ...which is one of the reasons we got divorced ...c'est la vie. I would think a girl who found out you were trying to be a better partner would feel cherished Good questions OP ... I'll ck out your future posts. Edited October 28, 2015 by StBreton
wonderbug111 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Hello there. I had 3 unrelated questions that I was wondering if I could everyone's feedback on. Quick background. I have been with a girl for 3 months now and we have been spending 2-3x a week together. 1. In the past, I have been quick to say "I love you." I have always meant it and the times that I said it always ended up being long term relationships. This time, I am waiting longer, even though I have felt it strongly in the past month. While I like the idea of saying things as I feel them, I don't want to come across in a way that might scare her off, so I have been patient and simply have been enjoying the relationship. In this forum's opinion, is it more reasonable to say these words, A. 1-2 months in. B. 3-4 months in. C. 5-6 Months in. D. 7+ I think there is no right or wrong answer here. We said it b/w 2-3 months. He said it first. I think you just know when you're both there. Of course, every person, relationship, and situation is different. I understand this, but just wanted to get some feedback on other peoples' thoughts! 2. Is there a such thing about being too nice, and having the niceness scare someone in some way? I am referring to often listening to one's partner, taking it into consideration, and following through, etc. An example(similar to, but not exactly like what happened recently for us). Let's say we both gave each other massages and really liked the experience and talked about doing it again in the near future. Let's say that she mentioned that it would be really nice to get a scented massage oil that she liked for the next time, and then I went out and got what she had suggested. Then, we had an awesome time doing it and she really appreciated that I listened and followed through with it. I like doing these kind of sweet things, but it just got me thinking. Is there ever a point when doing too much of the above can scare someone? I guess it is just the thought of the bad boys getting all the attention and love, that the idea of a guy treating a girl right could be scary. What do you guys think? 2. I'm an expert on this topic (heh heh) so listen up! Age matters! UNDER 30... Don't waste your time trying to be nice. Will fall on deaf and dumb ears///Sorry 20-somethings...Don't shoot the messenger! 30-40...She really really wants to like you for being nice but still struggles with it... Do a few nice things to stay in the loop but don't break your neck. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TAKE ANY **** FROM HER... 40 and above... Lay out the red carpet and you will be rewarded in full with appreciation (and other things as well, hopefully) for all of the thousand f#cktards she's had to deal with over her lifetime. Do not worry about scaring her off at this stage...she can't get enough of your generosity and sweetness. You are a rare gem. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TAKE ANY **** FROM HER... On a personal note, I treasure a good, sweet, thoughtful and caring man but where I lose respect for them is when they let me walk all over them and don't say a word. I want to be with a good kind man but a STRONG man as well. Call her out on her b#llsh*t. 3. I was hesitant to post my questions here and details that could lead to identify me personally here. The chances of my partner being here on these forums are incredibly high of course, but if she did read my thoughts here or that I reached out to get peoples' opinions, I'd imagine it could have the effect of having me look poorly. What is everyone's thoughts on this? 3. Guess I never gave this much thought, but I'd feel the same way if my bf showed up on this website. Wouldn't like that. I think the odds are low. I guess I just like the idea of seeing how everyone thinks and how they would approach things! Thanks for reading(if you survived it all!). This was my first post here! Looks like we joined at the same time:laugh:
Yookie Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 1. It's ok to say it if you mean it. Own your feelings and dont be a wimp about it. On the other hand, don't say it just to expect to hear the same back especially if you are saying it early on. She might not be there yet. 2. Be honest with yourself. You bought that scented oil because you wanted to get laid. You were doing yourself a favor there. Nice guy my foot lol 3. It's NEVER a good idea under ANY circumstance to post information online that can lead back to your real identity PERIOD. Change the details of your story a little bit for plausible deniability if it ever comes to that. 1
Mystique01 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) 1) I think saying I love you for the first time during months 3 - 6 is fine. I think anything less than 2 months wouldst kind of creep me out, only because I wouldn't think the guy knows me well enough to make such a declaration like that. Even if he felt it already, for me I think it would be better to say it in month 5,as opposed to month 2. That's just mho. We as women want a guy to be sure that he's really in love with US, and not just the sex or the physical side. By month 4 or 5 we know that you've probably seen us at our best AND at our not so good side, so the phrase "I love you" would mean so much more when the guy has really had a chance to know us better. 2) What you did was very thoughtful and sweet. I wouldn't be turned off or think it was "too nice". I'm sorry but if a girl got turned off from you doing that, then she's nuts and you need to dump her lol! I'd love it if my bf did something as thoughtful as that! I'll let you in on a secret....I can't speak for ALL women (of course), but I know for me personally, the ONLY time I've been "turned off" by a guy making a sweet gesture was when I was NOT interested in him or into him at all. Or, when I was on the fence about him, and I felt like he was going out of his way to please me so that he could convince me he was a good guy....NOT because he genuinely wanted to do something nice for me. In each situation however, I was NOT into the guy. Girls LIKE nice guys. But they like nice guys they are INTO. A lot of times guys think girls like jerks. That's not true. We just like guys we're into and who are confident in who they are regardless. 3) Unless you're being very specific, I don't think u have to worry about that too much. Edited October 30, 2015 by Mystique01
katiegrl Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) Httm....you complained in another thread (rams' thread) how you weren't receiving any responses to this thread, as posters were more inclined to respond to the more drama-filled threads -- fake drama as you called it. Since then you have received quite a few responses to this thread. Just so you know, you would receive more if you interacted, even a little, with the posters who are responding to you here... Are you even reading our responses? Edited October 30, 2015 by katiegrl
Author Httm Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Hey there. Checking back in. One of the reasons I didn't reply until now is that I was more interested in general responses to my questions, and didn't want to unintentionally guide answers by my responses. I have intentionally not gone into too much detail about myself or my situation for this reason. Of course, it is natural that people fill in these gaps with assumptions, but I just view that as covering the bases. -I have never been someone who has been a pushover in a relationship, so this is not a worry. -As for the scented oil to be laid, I don't know what is more upsetting... That you think that this is how all guys think or that you might have actually experienced this mindset to a point where you think it is common! We've been active together every single night since early on. Also, keep in mind that I made it analogous to what we actually did, in order to avoid #3 of my worries. What we actually did was even more sensual in my opinion. She suggested something as being fun and I simply took the steps to make it happen. The reward for me is her smile and the fact that I enjoy thinking about her and doing things that are new, fun, and create bonding opportunities. Hopefully, she appreciates my effort and thought process. She definitely verbally appreciates it : ). Thanks for all of the insights. It gives me more to go on as I proceed!
Yookie Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 As for the scented oil to be laid<snip>... She suggested something as being fun and I simply took the steps to make it happen. The reward for me is her smile and the fact that I enjoy thinking about her and doing things that are new, fun, and create bonding opportunities. BINGO! My point is that buying the oil does NOT make you a nice guy because YOU benefit from buying the oil. It's wasn't just for her. It was a tool that promoted more sexy moments for both of you. I just find it odd when I see guys bragging about how "nice" they are and come to find out everything they do really benefits themselves but somehow they don't want to see that part or even acknowledge it.
Author Httm Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) BINGO! My point is that buying the oil does NOT make you a nice guy because YOU benefit from buying the oil. It's wasn't just for her. It was a tool that promoted more sexy moments for both of you. I just find it odd when I see guys bragging about how "nice" they are and come to find out everything they do really benefits themselves but somehow they don't want to see that part or even acknowledge it. Are you serious? Perhaps you misunderstood what you quoted. "doing things that are new, fun"- This refers to the actual massage being done with the oil... Not future things. That is what would be new and fun. Fun for her and while I don't particularly care for it, it is fun for me that she is having fun and that I could make it happen. Giving food to a homeless shelter really isn't about the homeless people and wanting to help them because YOU feel good when doing something nice for other people! That is pretty much your argument there. We could have done the massage either way. The only difference is the thought of fulfilling a wish of one's partner, just to show them that their desires are important to you and that you care about them. If you want to argue about how it benefits me, the benefit is that she can see just how much she means to me and I benefit in that I feel good about doing something nice for someone I care about. It has nothing to do with any sexual benefits, which is preposterous. It is preposterous for so many reasons that I do not know where to begin. Perhaps you are used to superficial relationships, lopsided sexual dynamics, or genuinely haven't met good people. Maybe it is something else. It certainly isn't for sexual benefits, which is what you argued. If one already has everything one wants... Edited October 31, 2015 by Httm
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