Bo34 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I have never ended up beings friends with any of my ex's, including my most recent one, but I'm really curious to find out just how common or rare is this?? Judging from my personal experience, and those amongst my friends and on this site, I am assuming the vast majority of people who are dumped never agree to being friends with their ex's. So, if this is true, than why are there so many articles across the internet devoted to this, when people all agree with the fact.
d0nnivain Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I think all sorts of people insist they can do this but I have never seen it work out well. I'm civil to my significant EXs in that if I fortuitously bump into them we can have a pleasant chat for a few minutes. Both expressed condolences after the deaths of my parents when I saw them (but neither sent condolences at the times). I even did a business project with one, almost 20 years after we broke up. Once you have kissed or more somebody, it's not like you really want to talk to them about your new relationship. Any new SOs are going to be uncomfortable with the relationship. It's more of a hassle then a comfort. With the passage of time it is possible. I'm middled-aged. At my 25th HS reunion DH met my HS BF. It was one of those long term puppy love things, like 6 weeks. Anyway, they became friendly & 2-3x per year we "double date" with him & his wife. In the immediate aftermath the idea of being friends is a farce. If there are kids involved however you do have to find a way to co-parent amicably for the kids' sake.
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I am not in contact with any of my exes, and wouldn't want to be. But have a friend who is on very good terms with many exes and their boyfriends. I guess it very much depends on the people involved, and the reasons for the break-up.
Shock148 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I have no problem being friends with an ex after I have moved on and had another relationship/currently in one. If im single and she is not, I would only be cordial with her and have a quick conversation wishing her well. I would not agree to hang out with her while shes in a relationship unless I am also in one. After that I wouldnt care because I would be thinking about my currently GF and not the past relationship with my ex. 1
Meli22 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I'm not friends with my first ex because I have no desire to be. No feelings for him whatsoever, he actually makes my skin crawl. My last ex I couldn't be friends with at the moment. I don't think I ever would because 1) I'd find it hard to forgive him to the point of friendship after the way he treated me. And 2) I have enough of my own friends, I don't need him as another.
Wewon Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I have never ended up beings friends with any of my ex's, including my most recent one, but I'm really curious to find out just how common or rare is this?? Judging from my personal experience, and those amongst my friends and on this site, I am assuming the vast majority of people who are dumped never agree to being friends with their ex's. So, if this is true, than why are there so many articles across the internet devoted to this, when people all agree with the fact. My guess is that it depends on how things ended and what kind of "scars" they left behind. I'm sure that the stage and trajectory of your lives also play a part. People often times leave relationships questioning themselves and if your ex is a major part of your feeling misunderstood, not very sexy or exciting, ugly, or they underscored some other insecurity then its hard to build a friendship from that. i bet that the people that maintained a friendship are the few that actually broke up and accepted the no-fault lack of compatibility as a reason for the breakup.
CarrieT Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I am friends with all of my Ex's except one (who is living on Skid Row). For me, those friendships rarely occurred immediately after the ending of the relationship. They couldn't because there was still too much raw pain and hurt. But years later (and the advent of Facebook), it has been possible to re-acquaint myself with Exes, be cordial, civil, and - yes - close friends.
frigginlost Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I have not remained friends with any of my ex girlfriends from long ago. Not that I would not be, but I moved away from their location years ago. I am still close friends with my ex wife, and currently have an ex girlfriend (who I remained an acquaintance with) working on getting back together with me...
mightycpa Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I think it usually depends on how serious things were. For me, it's one out of six, and we weren't all that serious. Nor are we all that good friends, but she's very much like any other adult friend I have.
Frogwife Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Except for my most recent relationship, I am friends with all of my major exes (five-year and 12-year relationship - both in the U.S. - plus 8-year marriage here in France). My five-year and I chat from time to time on FB, my 12-year and I saw each other almost every day for years after our break up (he even came to my wedding) and we still talk on the phone/email and my ex-husband and still talk every day just to say and and see how each others days were. I ended all of these relationships. I also am in contact with many minor, casual boyfriends and we have drinks or dinner when I'm back in the US (plus a couple here in France). I have never had an angry or painful breakup before, so I count myself as lucky. My most recent ex (we broke up just over a year ago) wanted nothing to do with me for a year and was VERY VERY angry with me... he finally "came around" - helping me move a few weeks ago, storing some furniture for me, helping me install a stove in my apartment. Although we had been in email contact during the year, it was the first time we had seen each other or spoken face-to-face since the break up. Now he is back to exploding in anger at contact with me, so I just leave him be. To the OP - the majority of posters on this site is going to be skewed towards the more broken, unhappy people (understandably, that's why they come to sites like this in the first place) so you are probably not going to get a very balanced view of what happens "normally" in life.
contel3 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think being friendly with 1-2 exes can happen...maybe they were nice people and you didn't have a bad break up. Being genuine friends is more tricky. You don't have more than 2-5 really good friends and I wouldn't want an ex to be one of those. Imagine explaining that to your next partner. Ugh. If you're friends with all your exes and keep around all your FWBs and casual flings....you probably have a problem. Time to leave your baggage at the door.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Except for my most recent relationship, I am friends with all of my major exes (five-year and 12-year relationship - both in the U.S. - plus 8-year marriage here in France). My five-year and I chat from time to time on FB, my 12-year and I saw each other almost every day for years after our break up (he even came to my wedding) and we still talk on the phone/email and my ex-husband and still talk every day just to say and and see how each others days were. I ended all of these relationships. I also am in contact with many minor, casual boyfriends and we have drinks or dinner when I'm back in the US (plus a couple here in France). I have never had an angry or painful breakup before, so I count myself as lucky. My most recent ex (we broke up just over a year ago) wanted nothing to do with me for a year and was VERY VERY angry with me... he finally "came around" - helping me move a few weeks ago, storing some furniture for me, helping me install a stove in my apartment. Although we had been in email contact during the year, it was the first time we had seen each other or spoken face-to-face since the break up. Now he is back to exploding in anger at contact with me, so I just leave him be. To the OP - the majority of posters on this site is going to be skewed towards the more broken, unhappy people (understandably, that's why they come to sites like this in the first place) so you are probably not going to get a very balanced view of what happens "normally" in life. I wouldn't exactly count your situations as "normal". If anything, the "exploding" ex-bf is more normal than your other situations. I think your attitude might change if you were the one broken up with in some of these situations. I don't think people who aren't friends with their exes or who are very casual friends (Facebook friends that barely talk) are broken and unhappy -- that's just the normal process of life. I can't think of anyone I know in my life that has remained good buddies with an ex. In fact, the only situation I've ever actually seen it is Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes in Seinfeld. 1
ASG Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I'm friendly with most of my exes. I wouldn't say we're close, but we keep in touch via FB and the like. Meet for coffee every now and then, that kind of thing!
Wewon Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I wouldn't exactly count your situations as "normal". If anything, the "exploding" ex-bf is more normal than your other situations. I think your attitude might change if you were the one broken up with in some of these situations. I don't think people who aren't friends with their exes or who are very casual friends (Facebook friends that barely talk) are broken and unhappy -- that's just the normal process of life. I can't think of anyone I know in my life that has remained good buddies with an ex. In fact, the only situation I've ever actually seen it is Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes in Seinfeld. I agree, I think that its harsh and a tad short sighted to imply that not being friends with an ex means anything other than simply your not friends. All this does is encourage fake friendships for fear of "looking bad" or "immature". I also think that you have to very careful what you define as a "friend", just because you managed to get some hopeful person to help you move furniture or run some errands doesn't mean that there is a friendship. As a matter of fact, this is exactly the kind of things I try to advise people against; a friendship should be on mutual terms, not the dumper turning the dumpee in a girl/boy Friday.
mightycpa Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think if your relationships aren't very deep, then it is easy to transform an ex into a friend. There are some people who seem to want to do this, like actively WANT that from their exes. I knew one of them, and it was hell getting her to stay in the past. I didn't want to be her friend, and not because I was pining over her. I was just sick of being around her, and I wanted it to end. I also think that if one or both of you were in love, and then whoever was in love fell completely out, then acquaintanceship is on the table. But friends? FB friends, maybe, but actual "I want to hang out with you and bring you into my intimate circle" friends? I don't think so. 1
Frogwife Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I wouldn't exactly count your situations as "normal". If anything, the "exploding" ex-bf is more normal than your other situations. I think your attitude might change if you were the one broken up with in some of these situations. I don't think people who aren't friends with their exes or who are very casual friends (Facebook friends that barely talk) are broken and unhappy -- that's just the normal process of life. I can't think of anyone I know in my life that has remained good buddies with an ex. In fact, the only situation I've ever actually seen it is Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes in Seinfeld. I agree, it may not be usual but my point was that it's possible, and the reality is, we just never know who stays friends or not - we all have anecdotes supporting everything: getting back together, not getting back together, being friends, not being friends, staying in contact, cutting all contact. These forums - by the nature of the service they provide - tend to attract posters who are going through difficulties, so we are not going to hear the more positive stories. To clarify, my "exploding ex" (the most recent one) dumped ME - my heart was utterly, utterly broken and now -15 months later - I have just started to feel recovered. I loved him dearly and I still miss him terribly. He wanted NOTHING to do with me in the year after our breakup. It has been without a doubt the most painful thing I have ever experienced. We had sporadic contact - sometimes he was fine, sometime he would explode... we just saw each other face-to-face for the first time a few weeks ago when he came to help me move and install a stove (as I mentioned above) - we had a lovely afternoon together and it seemed healing for both us, but is now back to exploding, so I just am leaving him be. So I do understand what it feels like to be dumped. My parents were married for 22 years, divorced, remarried each other two years later and divorced again two years after that. For the next 20 years, they remained wonderful friends, even as my (nutty) mother went on to marry and divorce three other men. My dad was at all family functions, they talked daily and my mom was by his side when he died 12 years ago. These were the experiences I had, as anecdotal as any. YMMV. I had good partners that I loved and vice versa (even my - inexplicably - angry ex) and for whatever reason (except for this last ex) we still cared about each other enough after our relationships ended to stay in each others lives. That is not the situation that works for everyone, and of course I understand that.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) I agree, it may not be usual but my point was that it's possible, and the reality is, we just never know who stays friends or not - we all have anecdotes supporting everything: getting back together, not getting back together, being friends, not being friends, staying in contact, cutting all contact. These forums - by the nature of the service they provide - tend to attract posters who are going through difficulties, so we are not going to hear the more positive stories. I think that's because they are few and far between, at least when it comes to exes being the best of buds. Sure, I have several exes I'm friendly with, meaning I'm Facebook friends with them and occasionally interact with them on that forum, but none of them are my best friends by any means. I wouldn't go out of my way to visit them and I wouldn't invite them to my wedding if I decided to get married. I'd say that is more typical than your situations. That being said, I originally commented because you seemed to depict people who aren't friends with their exes as bitter and jaded, which I think is unfair. If being buddies with exes works for you, it works for you and that's fine, but it just doesn't work for most people. Emotions are too raw right after the breakup and once you've healed, most people don't care enough to try to reignite those friendships. Most decide to dedicate their resources to newer relationships/friendships IMO. As for your parents, that's pretty atypical too. My parents are divorced and they are cordial when they are in the same room, but I wouldn't call them friends. My mom would consider my dad a "friend", but my dad would not say the same. My grandparents divorced and it was extremely ugly, along with my uncle and his first wife. One of my best friends' parents are divorced and the parents can barely be in the same room with each other 20 years later. I went to his wedding and there was definitely tension between them still. Edited November 1, 2015 by Simon Phoenix
BC1980 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think it all depend on how you define friendship. I am on good terms with the first two guys I dated. They are both married with kids, but we aren't what I would term friends. If I saw them, I might stop for a quick chat, and I wish them both well in life. But friends? No, we don't hang out, aren't in regular communication, and we don't do anything to actively cultivate a friendship. So by my definition, I don't consider them friends. In general, I think a lot of people that claim a friendship with an ex are really just on good terms with their ex. It's probably a situation like what I described above. My recent ex used to claim he was friends with all his exes, but I think he just wanted to feel that he was a good person who could get along with people. Honestly, he wasn't actual friends with these women. He sent a Christmas card to one ex every year, and that was the extent of anything. I also think people like the idea of being friends with an ex because the reality is that endings are sad. We don't like endings. We don't like to be in the position of having to cut someone off. So we keep these superficial connections to people via social media in some odd attempt to claim friendship. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule and outliers. But for the majority of people, I have never seen many situations where a genuine friendship developed with an ex. 1
hgroog Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I'm conflicted. The guy who I just broke up with, he is friends with his all his ex-girlfriends (but not his ex-wife). I guess he's good at breaking up amicably. Ours was kind of a mutual break too (and this says a lot about his history now that I think of it) but I told him I had feelings and I'm still hurt. I told him, it would be too soon for us to be friends at least. On the other hand, he was still hanging out with his most recent ex, which I think they might have been on/off. He seemed totally tranparent about their friendship. What is weird though, He showed me her videos on YouTube. A few of them were her being in her underwear around him and him calling her "baby" in another. It made me super uncomfortable.
HurtinPDX Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I am friends with a ex I was with for 15 years. The first few years after the break up we were not friends. It was far too raw. We both had too many hurt feelings, too much grief and loss. Despite the raw feelings we did manage to be very cordial and kind during the break up. We have never, ever bad-mouthed each other to anyone else. It took seven years but we are now friends. We don't hang out together, but we talk, joke, and ask each other advice. He's been a big support for me in my current break up, a huge support actually. He's my "reality check," since he has known me for so long, warts and all. Our relationship was founded in friendship, and we always had a lot in common. I trust him implicitly. To become friends down the road I think it helps if both people are mature and don't go scorched earth in the break-up. Also if you still have things in common. Even if it is in the cards, I believe you need time to heal first. If the idea of your ex having another lover hurts, you are not ready. I am genuinely happy for my ex when good things happen. I sincerely doubt any of this will occur with my current ex, because he is a hurtful person. 1
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