Commitment phobe or late bloomer?

[ElizNE77]

Hello,

38 YO divorced female here, dating 45 YO never-married male. He describes himself as a "late bloomer", had a couple of long term relationships that ended when he wasn't ready to marry and the women wouldn't wait. He hasn't dated casually much, though, so does not appear to be a player. Overall he has very limited relationship experience. He says that since turning 40, he has matured spiritually and is ready to marry/start a family. Facts support this - he joined a church and became more heavily involved in the lives of his nieces/nephews since that time.

 

We've been dating exclusively about 4 months. He has been consistent from day one - calling as promised, keeping plans, dependable, transparent communication. He has a solid career, financially secure, lifelong friendships. He has been at the same job for 20+ years, same house for 20+ years. These factors indicate to me that he is not "flighty" but actually likes stability and routine. He is VERY open with his feelings, somewhat atypical for a male. Overall great relationship - we have compatibility and chemistry, I see him as a potential life partner.

 

Relationship progressing over past few weeks - introductions to family and friends, he made it clear these are big milestones to him. I've even felt a change in our interactions - deeper conversations, he's more tender physically. Then HE brought up the possibility of moving in together... I was surprised but said I'm open to it and let's keep the discussion going. We've had superficial talks about it since then, I assumed it was just a simmering thought.

 

Last weekend he was stressed about multiple things and vented about it all, including that our relationship has become serious to him and it's overwhelming to contemplate the implications. He admitted to internal struggles with how to juggle personal time, change in living arrangements, lack of relationship experience, fear of failure if we marry, etc. He emphasized that he wants me in his life and he will work through this but he's struggling with growing pains. I offered space - we can slow down, lessen our time together, etc. But he did NOT want that! He wants to continue same as is, only wants me to be aware that this a big adjustment for him.

 

So here's the question: is this a commitment phobe red flag?? Is he setting it up so he has an easy "out" down the road? Or is he simply acknowledging and openly sharing his feelings, which is a GOOD thing?

 

Actions are not consistent with wanting to jump ship but I fear being blind to it. Side note: my ex husband left me rather suddenly after 13 years of marriage so I'm hypersensitive about looking for signs.

 

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

[Redhead14]

Hello,

38 YO divorced female here, dating 45 YO never-married male. He describes himself as a "late bloomer", had a couple of long term relationships that ended when he wasn't ready to marry and the women wouldn't wait. He hasn't dated casually much, though, so does not appear to be a player. Overall he has very limited relationship experience. He says that since turning 40, he has matured spiritually and is ready to marry/start a family. Facts support this - he joined a church and became more heavily involved in the lives of his nieces/nephews since that time.

 

We've been dating exclusively about 4 months. He has been consistent from day one - calling as promised, keeping plans, dependable, transparent communication. He has a solid career, financially secure, lifelong friendships. He has been at the same job for 20+ years, same house for 20+ years. These factors indicate to me that he is not "flighty" but actually likes stability and routine. He is VERY open with his feelings, somewhat atypical for a male. Overall great relationship - we have compatibility and chemistry, I see him as a potential life partner.

 

Relationship progressing over past few weeks - introductions to family and friends, he made it clear these are big milestones to him. I've even felt a change in our interactions - deeper conversations, he's more tender physically. Then HE brought up the possibility of moving in together... I was surprised but said I'm open to it and let's keep the discussion going. We've had superficial talks about it since then, I assumed it was just a simmering thought.

 

Last weekend he was stressed about multiple things and vented about it all, including that our relationship has become serious to him and it's overwhelming to contemplate the implications. He admitted to internal struggles with how to juggle personal time, change in living arrangements, lack of relationship experience, fear of failure if we marry, etc. He emphasized that he wants me in his life and he will work through this but he's struggling with growing pains. I offered space - we can slow down, lessen our time together, etc. But he did NOT want that! He wants to continue same as is, only wants me to be aware that this a big adjustment for him.

 

So here's the question: is this a commitment phobe red flag?? Is he setting it up so he has an easy "out" down the road? Or is he simply acknowledging and openly sharing his feelings, which is a GOOD thing?

 

Actions are not consistent with wanting to jump ship but I fear being blind to it. Side note: my ex husband left me rather suddenly after 13 years of marriage so I'm hypersensitive about looking for signs.

 

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

 

Well it's only been 4 months and things are moving in the direction of a long-term committed relationship. It is natural, especially at this point, to be looking at the big picture and feeling somewhat overwhelmed. You offered to take things more slowly and he doesn't want to do that. That's a good sign. However, you should prepare yourself for a little bit of a pull away at some point soon anyway. Don't overreact. If he takes a little space, let him have it. Don't push or question him in any way.

 

It doesn't sound to me like he's being phobic, just doing some evaluation. The fact that he is talking to you about it all is a very good thing.

 

Usually if they are phobic and overwhelmed, they get quiet suddenly. Don't push it or do anything different.

[xcupid]

He's merely expressing his feelings and emotions to you. He's told you what he wants. Now you have to help him through those feelings and emotions. You might have a keeper here. Good luck and don't overthink it.