is it silly for me to be mad over this comment?

[PaperCrane]

He said he went on 3 dates with her and she was treated better everywhere they went. The guy at the gym gave him extra passes bc she was there, they got seated faster at a restaurant, and they got to skip the line for a night club.

 

I know he treats me better than any girl he spends more on me than he's ever spent on a girl. He didn't even like her personality. His friends say he talks about me all the time. I'm just pissed that his example of hot girls being treated better was about someone he dated before me.

 

Those are glaring examples. Examples pulled from the reaction of OTHER people other than he or you. His comment about the whole thing isn't about how he perceives her or you, but how others did to his ex in that moment.

 

That is some heavy insecurity over one comment during a discussion about a sociological topic. One. Comment.

 

One.

 

Seriously, he treats you well and cares for you but you're ready to throw a fit and tying yourself up in knots about something that doesn't even matter? I'll point out right here that if you think some example used in a discussion is worth all this ire, well, that right there is the problem.

Edited October 30, 2015 by PaperCrane

[fitnessfan365]

You two were talking openly on a subject. I honestly don't see the issue here.

 

It almost comes off like you were trying to find a creative way to get a compliment and it backfired bruising your ego. Were you looking for him to say "That's not true because when we go out you never get any special treatment and you're the hottest girl I know of"?

 

I know he treats me better than any girl he spends more on me than he's ever spent on a girl. He didn't even like her personality. His friends say he talks about me all the time. I'm just pissed that his example of hot girls being treated better was about someone he dated before me.

 

This makes you sound a bit petty to be honest.

Edited October 30, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[lostgirl5]

You two were talking openly on a subject. I honestly don't see the issue here.

 

It almost comes off like you were trying to find a creative way to get a compliment and it backfired bruising your ego. Were you looking for him to say "That's not true because when we go out you never get any special treatment and you're the hottest girl I know of"? You actually sound a bit high maintenance and ego centric from what you've been saying in the thread about how your bugged him mentioning attractive women before he met you, etc.. Did you think he was a monk before you came along?

 

Like I said there are so many assumptions in this thread. He brought up the subject. He said I know hot girls get treated better I've witnessed it. I said what do you mean knowing it wasn't me. I don't need to fish for compliments he is the one who always puts me on a pedestal that is why I'm so disappointed in him.

 

Petty? Someone else mentioned I should only be concerned with how he treats me and not worry about how strangers treat her.

[anika99]

I don't need that stuff. Honestly if I wanted that I would just act more friendly. I'm pretty sure the reason people don't do nice things for me like that is bc I'm not really friendly. I'm a serious person and I don't trust strangers. I just thought it was annoying because he made it sound like he was treated like a god when he was out with her. Given they only went on 3 dates and only dated for a month. He said it doesn't matter to him and he likes that I'm cold towards strangers. But I just feel if he ever felt like strangers treated him better bc he was out with an attractive girl it should be bc of me.

 

But how is he supposed to feel that way when you are intimidating and unfriendly to strangers? You want him to imagine that strangers are treating him better because of you? You want him to erase from his memory the truth about his prior dating life and just pretend in his head that every thing has always been about you?

 

 

You say you are always the best looking girl. That some are almost as pretty or occasionally equally as pretty but never prettier than you. However beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I remember years ago going to a movie with a male relative. The lead character was a beautiful dark haired exotic looking beauty. The other female character was kind of a cute looking girl next door blond. All the way home me and my male relative argued over which female was better looking. I thought the dark haired actress was absolutely breathtaking but my relative thought the cute blond was way more attractive. I will say this. The blond in that movie was the nice one. She was friendly and warm, while the dark haired one played the part of the b*tch, and I think that had a lot to do with my male relative finding the blond more attractive. No matter how pretty you are you will never be every man's cup of tea. It all depends on individual preference.

 

 

You are being ridiculous over the comment your bf made. If you are going to have spoiled princess meltdowns over things like this, soon you bf will not find you attractive at all.

[PaperCrane]

Like I said there are so many assumptions in this thread. He brought up the subject.

 

So? It's probably something he found to be an interesting thought. People ponder things all the time and maybe he heard the term before and wanted to talk about it.

 

He said I know hot girls get treated better I've witnessed it. I said what do you mean knowing it wasn't me.

 

So from here, well, he talked about this very real thing that happens in life. Attractive people get treated better, shown more empathy, and generally have a slight edge over things because people presume they are 'good people' because of their looks. The halo effect.

 

I don't need to fish for compliments he is the one who always puts me on a pedestal that is why I'm so disappointed in him.

 

So he puts you on a pedestal...and the moment you feel his attention is diverted even if possibly it wasn't, you get all worked up? You didn't want to fish for compliments because you expected them. That my dear, is unfair.

 

Petty? Someone else mentioned I should only be concerned with how he treats me and not worry about how strangers treat her.

 

Absolutely. Concentrate on your relationship and not on peoples perceptions.

 

Answers in bold.

[lostgirl5]

But how is he supposed to feel that way when you are intimidating and unfriendly to strangers? You want him to imagine that strangers are treating him better because of you? You want him to erase from his memory the truth about his prior dating life and just pretend in his head that every thing has always been about you?

 

 

You say you are always the best looking girl. That some are almost as pretty or occasionally equally as pretty but never prettier than you. However beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I remember years ago going to a movie with a male relative. The lead character was a beautiful dark haired exotic looking beauty. The other female character was kind of a cute looking girl next door blond. All the way home me and my male relative argued over which female was better looking. I thought the dark haired actress was absolutely breathtaking but my relative thought the cute blond was way more attractive. I will say this. The blond in that movie was the nice one. She was friendly and warm, while the dark haired one played the part of the b*tch, and I think that had a lot to do with my male relative finding the blond more attractive. No matter how pretty you are you will never be every man's cup of tea. It all depends on individual preference.

 

 

You are being ridiculous over the comment your bf made. If you are going to have spoiled princess meltdowns over things like this, soon you bf will not find you attractive at all.

 

He said it wasn't her personality she was European and had bad English. He said she was also cold and unfriendly so basically they were being nice to her based on looks alone.

[GorillaTheater]

He said she was also cold and unfriendly so basically they were being nice to her based on looks alone.

 

It happens, hence this Halo Effect business you both were talking about in the first place. It may not be right, but it's real.

 

I don't see the point in being mad about it.

[lostgirl5]

It happens, hence this Halo Effect business you both were talking about in the first place. It may not be right, but it's real.

 

I don't see the point in being mad about it.

 

I'm upset at him bc he always tells me I'm the prettiest girl he ever dated. I'm starting to feel like I'm not that pretty. It really hurts I've been stressed and upset all week. He says he wants to marry me but idk if I can be with him.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm upset at him bc he always tells me I'm the prettiest girl he ever dated. I'm starting to feel like I'm not that pretty. It really hurts I've been stressed and upset all week. He says he wants to marry me but idk if I can be with him.

 

You know, this has the same feel about it as the young guys who come here all upset that they aren't the best sex partner their SO ever had.

 

Egos can certainly get big enough to trip over.

[losangelena]

I'm upset at him bc he always tells me I'm the prettiest girl he ever dated. I'm starting to feel like I'm not that pretty. It really hurts I've been stressed and upset all week. He says he wants to marry me but idk if I can be with him.

 

OP, do you feel like you HAVE to be the "prettiest girl" he ever dated?

 

I know it's easy to kind of slip into that mode, but it's a bit troubling to hear that this one comment from him has made you doubt how pretty you are—really? I think you're putting too much emphasis on prettiness. That fades over time, it's not a great reason to be with someone, and it's a very bad thing to measure your self worth against. OK, so maybe it was a little boneheaded of him to say it in the first place, but does the notion that he may not think you're the prettiest really make you reconsider marrying him?!

[PaperCrane]

I'm upset at him bc he always tells me I'm the prettiest girl he ever dated. I'm starting to feel like I'm not that pretty. It really hurts I've been stressed and upset all week. He says he wants to marry me but idk if I can be with him.

 

And the truth comes out.

 

It's time to realize that yes, men base a lot of their attraction to a girl based on their looks but really they fall in love with you as a person. Your body will age. So will his. The firmness will go away and over time you'll get weaker.

 

The thing you're most upset about is a transient quality of someone. Rather than looking at the fact; despite this he still wants to marry you.

 

Is this all just a work up to find a reason to break up with him because you're not ready for a life long commitment?

[katiegrl]

I agree the OP is being a bit melodramatic here, making a mountain out of a molehill....BUT ...I do understand how she feels.

 

When pretty girls are constantly barraged with comments about how pretty they are, over and over, by family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc., they become conditioned to believe that their entire worth and value in this world centers on their beauty.

 

Then when a comment is made (no matter how small and petty it might seem to others) which might imply, in their minds, that they are not that pretty, their worth and value are compromised (at least that is what it feels like to them) .. and their confidence and self-esteem plummets.

 

IMO, if society would stop placing soooooooo much value and emphasis on a woman's beauty, stop giving the prettier women special treatment, etc. ..... then pretty women would not feel the way the OP feels now. She would shug it off because she knows she is worth so much more than how she looks on the outside.

 

It's conditioning, and that is hard to break sometimes.

Edited October 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Guyouthere]

katie, how was it the other day?

[katiegrl]

katie, how was it the other day?

 

Oh the tuna fishing? I got sea sick, but the guys caught a bunch of yellowfin!

 

So it was fun for them. Me? Not so much.

[losangelena]

I agree the OP is being a bit melodramatic here, making a mountain out of a molehill....BUT ...I do understand how she feels.

 

When pretty girls are constantly barraged with comments about how pretty they are, over and over, by family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc., they become conditioned to believe that their entire worth and value in this world centers on their beauty.

 

Then when a comment is made (no matter how small and petty it might seem to others) which might imply, in their minds, that they are not that pretty, their worth and value are compromised (at least that is what it feels like to them) .. and their confidence and self-esteem plummets.

 

IMO, if society would stop placing soooooooo much value and emphasis on a woman's beauty, stop giving the prettier women special treatment, etc. ..... then pretty women would not feel the way the OP feels now. She would shug it off because she knows she is worth so much more than how she looks on the outside.

 

It's conditioning, and that is hard to break sometimes.

 

AGREED. But I also think that's why we're telling her that her reaction is a bit over the top. Where she falls on her BF's "prettiness scale" is more or less irrelevant because he's CHOSEN HER.

 

I mean, feeling attractive is important, don't get me wrong, it's not an insignificant thing, but at the end of the day, attractiveness of the body is not only highly subjective, it's also fleeting. And NOT the most important factor in a person's worthiness. It is hard to accept that sometimes, but for OP's own peace of mind, she should try.

 

We're saying the same thing, I think.

[PegNosePete]

feeling attractive is important

Yes, exactly. He should be making her feel attractive (and vice versa). Whether either of them actually are attractive, from an objective point of view, is irrelevant.

 

I am friends with a couple who are not very attractive. They are both very much overweight and definitely would not win any beauty contests. But they make each other feel like they are the most beautiful people on the planet, and they have one of the strongest relationships I've known.

 

THAT is how you make a relationship work.

[katiegrl]

AGREED. But I also think that's why we're telling her that her reaction is a bit over the top. Where she falls on her BF's "prettiness scale" is more or less irrelevant because he's CHOSEN HER.

 

I mean, feeling attractive is important, don't get me wrong, it's not an insignificant thing, but at the end of the day, attractiveness of the body is not only highly subjective, it's also fleeting. And NOT the most important factor in a person's worthiness. It is hard to accept that sometimes, but for OP's own peace of mind, she should try.

 

 

 

**We're saying the same thing, I think***.

 

Yeah we are!

[katiegrl]

 

 

**Yes, exactly. He should be making her feel attractive (and vice versa)***

 

 

. Whether either of them actually are attractive, from an objective point of view, is irrelevant.

 

I am friends with a couple who are not very attractive. They are both very much overweight and definitely would not win any beauty contests. But they make each other feel like they are the most beautiful people on the planet, and they have one of the strongest relationships I've known.

 

THAT is how you make a relationship work.

 

Quote in asterisk above --- yes he should which is why I said in my earlier posts I thought his comment was a bit insensitive and rather "boobish" ...although I realize he did not intend it to be!

 

But that is the way his girlfriend interpreted it, it did not come off right, and it hurt her feelings, made her feel "less than" in his eyes as I said earlier.

 

Those are her feelings, all based on society's conditioning, as silly and petty her reaction may seem to *us*.

[Guyouthere]

Oh the tuna fishing? I got sea sick, but the guys caught a bunch of yellowfin!

 

So it was fun for them. Me? Not so much.

 

seasick,,, not such a good thing. How big were the tuna?

[lostgirl5]

AGREED. But I also think that's why we're telling her that her reaction is a bit over the top. Where she falls on her BF's "prettiness scale" is more or less irrelevant because he's CHOSEN HER.

 

I mean, feeling attractive is important, don't get me wrong, it's not an insignificant thing, but at the end of the day, attractiveness of the body is not only highly subjective, it's also fleeting. And NOT the most important factor in a person's worthiness. It is hard to accept that sometimes, but for OP's own peace of mind, she should try.

 

We're saying the same thing, I think.

 

I'm upset bc he always tells me I'm the hottest girl he's ever dated. I feel like he lied to me or mislead me. He said in a scale from 1-10 she was an 8 and I'm a 8.5 and I could be a 9 if I toned up a little I'm naturally thin but I'm not super fit/toned. I still feel like he's just saying that to make me feel better. inoverheard his best friend telling him he should be nice to me bc I'm gorgeous and he is jealous that he will never date a girl as hot as me. Both of them put me on a pedestal that's why it is so hard to hear it's possible I'm not the best looking. He says I am but idk if he's just lying to me. I love him and I want to be everything to him feeling like he just told me things I wanted to hear hurts.

[katiegrl]

seasick,,, not such a good thing. How big were the tuna?

 

I will respond PM.

[Guyouthere]

I will respond PM.

 

Ok. i am here.

[katiegrl]

I'm upset bc he always tells me I'm the hottest girl he's ever dated. I feel like he lied to me or mislead me. He said in a scale from 1-10 she was an 8 and I'm a 8.5 and I could be a 9 if I toned up a little I'm naturally thin but I'm not super fit/toned. I still feel like he's just saying that to make me feel better. inoverheard his best friend telling him he should be nice to me bc I'm gorgeous and he is jealous that he will never date a girl as hot as me. Both of them put me on a pedestal that's why it is so hard to hear it's possible I'm not the best looking. He says I am but idk if he's just lying to me. I love him and I want to be everything to him feeling like he just told me things I wanted to hear hurts.

 

You are placing WAY WAY too much value and emphasis on your "hotness."

 

While I can understand it to a degree, you do realize that your value in this world, to HIM, is so much more than your beauty, don't you?

 

He only had three dates with the other chick and did not want to date her anymore. Despite how "hot" you assume he thought she was.

 

He chose YOU. Not only because you are hot (to him and maybe to everyone else too), but that is NOT why he chose you, obviously.

 

You obviously have way more to offer him besides your physical beauty (i.e. INNER beauty)...which you are not even acknowledging!

 

Is that all you think you are to him, to any man? A pretty face?

 

You seem rather obsessed with your own hotness and beauty, which is really unhealthy and dysfunctional.

 

Like I said in earlier posts, I understand it, but you need to get over it. Through therapy, something.

 

God forbid you had an accident and messed your face up. How would you deal with that?

 

Please realize he did not mean to hurt your feelings, and move on.

 

He thinks you're hot (he has told you over and over).

 

Believe him and get over it.

 

By the way, do YOU think you're hot? If you had more confidence in yourself (and not just your beauty), I doubt you would be reacting this way.

 

Work on that, and give the guy a break.

Edited October 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you'd honestly consider breaking up with your boyfriend over this? Really, girl?

 

If so, the problem is you.

[losangelena]

I'm upset bc he always tells me I'm the hottest girl he's ever dated. I feel like he lied to me or mislead me. He said in a scale from 1-10 she was an 8 and I'm a 8.5 and I could be a 9 if I toned up a little I'm naturally thin but I'm not super fit/toned. I still feel like he's just saying that to make me feel better. inoverheard his best friend telling him he should be nice to me bc I'm gorgeous and he is jealous that he will never date a girl as hot as me. Both of them put me on a pedestal that's why it is so hard to hear it's possible I'm not the best looking. He says I am but idk if he's just lying to me. I love him and I want to be everything to him feeling like he just told me things I wanted to hear hurts.

 

Well, take it from a woman who's pretty far from a 9 or an 8.5 or an 8—there's a lot more to life and relationships than being the hottest girl in the room. Personality, values, life goals, etc.

 

Is your life really going to crumble around you if you're an 8 versus a 9? Please, that notion is ridiculous.