Girlfriend finds it difficult to move on

[alexanderhaekal]

Brief introduction on her past : She has been with her ex for about 5 years and they shared lots of memories together. Her ex has everything like a car, money, stable job. But her ex is one son of a b*** because throughout that 5 years he has been a jerk with her. He hid things from her, goes out with another girl behind her back, had sex with prostitutes on numerous occasions and even telling her off that they (prostitutes) are way better than her. He even complain about the fact that his exes are way better then her any many ways. But she still chose to be with him due to the fact that they both went through alot together. But she isnt that sort like him. She is the complete opposite. She is sweet innocent and obedient. Now after everything, she finally decides to leave him to make herself happy because she wasnt happy at all being with him. But her ex couldnt accept the fact that she dont wanna be with him anymore ( complacent guy who thinks she will never leave ). Now in the most random times he will text her saying things like " please give me chance bla bla bla " . But she doesnt wanna be with him anymore. And he started to change his personality into somethig that she would like, but still she dont wanna accept him back because she knows that his ' change ' wont last, and end up she might get hurt again. So even if he tries everything, still she doesnt wanna accept him back.

 

Now Im the complete opposite of this guy, where i dont fool around in a relationship. I do small meaningful things for her and always made her happy. I dont mind waiting for her even if its 2 or 3 hours just for her to get ready. I really give her both morale and emotional support from day one. At first she was skeptical about me, like she find it weird why im very nice to her everyday (well i guess it must have been that she's been so hurt for very long till she finds it weird to feel happy again), but few days back, she told me she finally accepted me as her boyfriend. Now im going full force and putting all the effort i can to make her much more happier. Im happy, but i just feel that she is thinking about her past. Time to time she has flashbacks about her time with her ex. And she even shared with me and telling me how a jerk that ex is. I love her so much.

 

To make it simple : the ex has a car has money has stable job but doesnt have the type of personality and attitude that she wants

And i dont own a car (planning to get one now), average income with a good savings, and i have the personality and attitude that she ever dream of ( her dream man ).

 

What should i do to help her move on properly ?

Is it really true to say that her ex's change will last ?

What should i do to overcome her past trauma ?

 

Dear answerers and reader, feel free to ask me more questions.

Please no hate or rude answers. As much as i can tolerate rude answered, i dont want to feel discouraged in anyway .

Edited October 27, 2015 by alexanderhaekal

[Bellaura]

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, it's always annoying when people say "time heals all" but time does help.

 

You have to let her know that whatever she needs, you'll be there for her, you'll support her in how she feels. She was with him for a very long time, and even though he was a scumbag, it's hard to drop someone you've grown attached to, even if that attachment is unhealthy.

 

If she is unsure of herself, of everything, please don't ever take it personally, just understand that she's probably really overwhelmed... I believe that there is too much damage he has done for any change to really matter on his part, he did what he did, and she and him have to find a way to be apart and move on

[health]

Well, she's the one who has to cut him out. How long after their break up did you date her? Did you know her while she was dating? If you are indeed a rebound that has special problems of it's own. If she chose you the polar opposite of him in reaction to him that's not good. She sounds like she didn't heal from her break up. Why she would stand for a cheater who dated hookers is beyond me.

[alexanderhaekal]

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, it's always annoying when people say "time heals all" but time does help.

 

You have to let her know that whatever she needs, you'll be there for her, you'll support her in how she feels. She was with him for a very long time, and even though he was a scumbag, it's hard to drop someone you've grown attached to, even if that attachment is unhealthy.

 

If she is unsure of herself, of everything, please don't ever take it personally, just understand that she's probably really overwhelmed... I believe that there is too much damage he has done for any change to really matter on his part, he did what he did, and she and him have to find a way to be apart and move on

 

Thank you for the kind reply. I strongly believe that her ex and her have to find a way to be apart. All i gotta do is just have faith for now.

[alexanderhaekal]

Well, she's the one who has to cut him out. How long after their break up did you date her? Did you know her while she was dating? If you are indeed a rebound that has special problems of it's own. If she chose you the polar opposite of him in reaction to him that's not good. She sounds like she didn't heal from her break up. Why she would stand for a cheater who dated hookers is beyond me.

 

I started dating her 3-4 months after she decided to move away from him. I only know her when she didnt had any ties or status with her ex. What do you mean 'polar' ?

[CalvinM]

Three to four months is probably way too soon after a five year relationship to start dating again. I took almost a full year off from dating after my three year relationship ended. And even then, I still missed her occassionally. She on the other hand, moved on pretty quickly. I guess in that sense it differs, but I'd still say four months is too soon to be meeting ppl.

 

You'd be best to back off a little and let her approach you. She's probably still fragile and might still have lingering feelings for her ex, regardless of how he treated her.

[phineas]

Well, she's the one who has to cut him out. How long after their break up did you date her? Did you know her while she was dating? If you are indeed a rebound that has special problems of it's own. If she chose you the polar opposite of him in reaction to him that's not good. She sounds like she didn't heal from her break up. Why she would stand for a cheater who dated hookers is beyond me.

 

A woman like this has to learn for herself to not find these types of men attractive.

It's not my job to convince her I'm the type of guy she should be with either.

 

I have a handful of attractive women friends who are really great people and fun to hang out with but I will not get involved with them because they continually choose to date d-bags and since I really am not a d-bags I know i will eventually end up in the OPs situation.

 

A girlfriend that won't block their disrespectful ex because their addicted to the drama.

Plus I've seen women use other guys as place holders the go running back to the ex because he "changed".

 

If it were me I'd tell her if she isn't ready to block her ex out of her life then she isn't ready to move on with me and I'd get the hell out of dodge because I won't date a woman who has ex's sniffing around.

[Miss Peach]

Don't compare yourself to her ex. Speaking from experience, a lot of women in that situation do not have their self confidence and esteem yet so they have no faith in their ability to find a man yet.

 

I do find it odd if she hasn't blocked the ex from contacting her unless there is a reason for it like child custody. If she hasn't blocked him then I don't think she's completely done with her addition to him yet.

[Redhead14]

Brief introduction on her past : She has been with her ex for about 5 years and they shared lots of memories together. Her ex has everything like a car, money, stable job. But her ex is one son of a b*** because throughout that 5 years he has been a jerk with her. He hid things from her, goes out with another girl behind her back, had sex with prostitutes on numerous occasions and even telling her off that they (prostitutes) are way better than her. He even complain about the fact that his exes are way better then her any many ways. But she still chose to be with him due to the fact that they both went through alot together. But she isnt that sort like him. She is the complete opposite. She is sweet innocent and obedient. Now after everything, she finally decides to leave him to make herself happy because she wasnt happy at all being with him. But her ex couldnt accept the fact that she dont wanna be with him anymore ( complacent guy who thinks she will never leave ). Now in the most random times he will text her saying things like " please give me chance bla bla bla " . But she doesnt wanna be with him anymore. And he started to change his personality into somethig that she would like, but still she dont wanna accept him back because she knows that his ' change ' wont last, and end up she might get hurt again. So even if he tries everything, still she doesnt wanna accept him back.

 

Now Im the complete opposite of this guy, where i dont fool around in a relationship. I do small meaningful things for her and always made her happy. I dont mind waiting for her even if its 2 or 3 hours just for her to get ready. I really give her both morale and emotional support from day one. At first she was skeptical about me, like she find it weird why im very nice to her everyday (well i guess it must have been that she's been so hurt for very long till she finds it weird to feel happy again), but few days back, she told me she finally accepted me as her boyfriend. Now im going full force and putting all the effort i can to make her much more happier. Im happy, but i just feel that she is thinking about her past. Time to time she has flashbacks about her time with her ex. And she even shared with me and telling me how a jerk that ex is. I love her so much.

 

To make it simple : the ex has a car has money has stable job but doesnt have the type of personality and attitude that she wants

And i dont own a car (planning to get one now), average income with a good savings, and i have the personality and attitude that she ever dream of ( her dream man ).

 

What should i do to help her move on properly ?

Is it really true to say that her ex's change will last ?

What should i do to overcome her past trauma ?

 

Dear answerers and reader, feel free to ask me more questions.

Please no hate or rude answers. As much as i can tolerate rude answered, i dont want to feel discouraged in anyway .

 

What should i do to help her move on properly ? -- You cannot do anything to help her move on properly. She has to do that for herself. If anything, you should give her space to do whatever it is she needs to do for herself.

 

Is it really true to say that her ex's change will last ? -- I don't understand this question.

 

What should I do to overcome her past trauma? -- I'm not sure I understand this question either, but if you mean how do you help her deal with all this . . . I give the same response as I give in my first paragraph.

 

You just be yourself and continue doing what you've been doing as long as she is responsive to you. But, I would caution you from becoming too emotionally invested in her. She's going to need a lot of time in order to be able to be the kind of partner you want and to know if you are really what she wants. Right now, she's struggling with ending that relationship and the attention from you would certainly help her feel better in the moment but there may come a point where "reality" sets in for her and she may pull away.

[health]

I started dating her 3-4 months after she decided to move away from him. I only know her when she didnt had any ties or status with her ex. What do you mean 'polar' ?

 

Ah well if you dated her that much long after, then it's like you were blindsided. Like you never even knew she was that invested in her old relationship or break up. What I meant by "Polar opposite" was like the south is the complete opposite of the north pole, like in your case - her ex was a complete mess - and you are on point, care and have morals.

 

Follow your heart on this - and think logically as well. All the best Alex!

[health]

A woman like this has to learn for herself to not find these types of men attractive.

It's not my job to convince her I'm the type of guy she should be with either.

 

I have a handful of attractive women friends who are really great people and fun to hang out with but I will not get involved with them because they continually choose to date d-bags and since I really am not a d-bags I know i will eventually end up in the OPs situation.

 

A girlfriend that won't block their disrespectful ex because their addicted to the drama.

Plus I've seen women use other guys as place holders the go running back to the ex because he "changed".

 

If it were me I'd tell her if she isn't ready to block her ex out of her life then she isn't ready to move on with me and I'd get the hell out of dodge because I won't date a woman who has ex's sniffing around.

 

Very well said. That's why people have to grieve and heal form relationships. You hear about it all the time - how people try to patch up their hurt with rebounds - and yet still pine for their ex while in a new relationship.

 

People have to be happy with themselves first, and alone before they can be good in an adult relationship.

[alexanderhaekal]

What should i do to help her move on properly ? -- You cannot do anything to help her move on properly. She has to do that for herself. If anything, you should give her space to do whatever it is she needs to do for herself.

 

Is it really true to say that her ex's change will last ? -- I don't understand this question.

 

What should I do to overcome her past trauma? -- I'm not sure I understand this question either, but if you mean how do you help her deal with all this . . . I give the same response as I give in my first paragraph.

 

You just be yourself and continue doing what you've been doing as long as she is responsive to you. But, I would caution you from becoming too emotionally invested in her. She's going to need a lot of time in order to be able to be the kind of partner you want and to know if you are really what she wants. Right now, she's struggling with ending that relationship and the attention from you would certainly help her feel better in the moment but there may come a point where "reality" sets in for her and she may pull away.

 

Let me rephrase the question . I find it stupid for him to finally deciding to change only after she left him. Its more like he is delibrately reacting to the fact the he lost her and only then he is starting to change. So my question is, will this 'change' even last or will it eventually fall out ? Theres always this saying, never change for someone else. Im afraid that my girlfriend might be blinded by his 'change' , and eventually goes back to him and when he got her back, he might turn to his old ways again and leaving her even hurt than before. I love her so much that i dont want her to even come near him.

[alexanderhaekal]

Don't compare yourself to her ex. Speaking from experience, a lot of women in that situation do not have their self confidence and esteem yet so they have no faith in their ability to find a man yet.

 

I do find it odd if she hasn't blocked the ex from contacting her unless there is a reason for it like child custody. If she hasn't blocked him then I don't think she's completely done with her addition to him yet.

 

Additional info : Reason why she hasnt block him yet is because the ex and her parents are in direct contact via Whatsapp. So if she tries to block him, the ex would make a big hooah with the parents and she wants to avoid that. Its more like she want her ex to move on himself without any complicated problems. Recently, the ex found out that she was going to switch mobile numbers and he made a big fight with her via Phonecall. Mainly speaking about "even if you are going to change numbers, i will still know where you are, you cant run." And the ex even told crap about me saying stuffs like i wouldnt be able to make her happy and i dont have anything (average guy).

 

The ex is getting very very aggresive and getting pyschotic.

[just-moi]

Thank you for the kind reply. I strongly believe that her ex and her have to find a way to be apart. All i gotta do is just have faith for now.

 

He sounds manipulative with his promises of being a better man. Maybe she should block his number & concentrate on what you guys have going?

[just-moi]

Additional info : Reason why she hasnt block him yet is because the ex and her parents are in direct contact via Whatsapp. So if she tries to block him, the ex would make a big hooah with the parents and she wants to avoid that.

 

Just read your last reply....

 

Your gf parents should support her & have her back. If they knew the things he was up to while in a relationship with their daughter, surely THEY would support her & block him too?

 

My daughter is only a young teen, but i will always stand by her & never would/will let a boy/man treat her that way! The ex needs to be blocked by everyone...

[phineas]

Additional info : Reason why she hasnt block him yet is because the ex and her parents are in direct contact via Whatsapp. So if she tries to block him, the ex would make a big hooah with the parents and she wants to avoid that. Its more like she want her ex to move on himself without any complicated problems. Recently, the ex found out that she was going to switch mobile numbers and he made a big fight with her via Phonecall. Mainly speaking about "even if you are going to change numbers, i will still know where you are, you cant run." And the ex even told crap about me saying stuffs like i wouldnt be able to make her happy and i dont have anything (average guy).

 

The ex is getting very very aggresive and getting pyschotic.

 

I smell bs and drama.

Her parents remain in contact with an ex boyfriend that cheated on their daughter with prostitutes?

Really??

Really?

 

 

 

Really?

[candie13]

your ex needs to set healthy boundaries with this man. Block him on her cell phone and on her parents' cell phone. She has no boundaries maybe because her parents have none, either.

 

He does look dangerous and stubborned.

 

Anyways, back to you - you can't save people from themselves, Alex. She may be the right person, but it sure looks like it's the wrong timing. You're the rebound man. It hardly ever works out for the rebound men.

 

And even if it does, I think you will get tired at some point to keep on waiting for her to be ready and want a person who is ready NOW.

 

You look like you've gotten your sh*t together, why not go after someone who's done the cleanup in their own life, themselves? That's the bigger question.

 

I dunno, give her time and be supportive... but don't let her walk all over you either. 2-3 hours for her to get ready ? Noooo way, sorry. It's not because she was her ex's victim that you have to become hers. She chose to stay with him through some horrid horrid moments. That is BIG red flags for you.

 

Again, I'd want someone emotionally healthy. It's not her fault if her ex cheated on her and is a bastard, however it is her fault if she chooses to stick by his side and take that abuse.

 

I don't find people with problems attractive, sorry. Think about it. Really. If you want to help her out, be a good man, patient and all, but don't try to compensate for something someone else did to her in her past. It's NOT your fault so you don't have to pay for it or take it.

 

Think - really think - if this RS is making YOU happy or if you've gotten sucked in a dynamic where you're only trying to please her. On the long term, it'll tire you down and make you miserable.

 

Whatever you decide to do, focus on building a HEALTHY relationship and always ask yourself if the RS you're in makes YOU happy.

 

cheers

[alexanderhaekal]

your ex needs to set healthy boundaries with this man. Block him on her cell phone and on her parents' cell phone. She has no boundaries maybe because her parents have none, either.

 

He does look dangerous and stubborned.

 

Anyways, back to you - you can't save people from themselves, Alex. She may be the right person, but it sure looks like it's the wrong timing. You're the rebound man. It hardly ever works out for the rebound men.

 

And even if it does, I think you will get tired at some point to keep on waiting for her to be ready and want a person who is ready NOW.

 

You look like you've gotten your sh*t together, why not go after someone who's done the cleanup in their own life, themselves? That's the bigger question.

 

I dunno, give her time and be supportive... but don't let her walk all over you either. 2-3 hours for her to get ready ? Noooo way, sorry. It's not because she was her ex's victim that you have to become hers. She chose to stay with him through some horrid horrid moments. That is BIG red flags for you.

 

Again, I'd want someone emotionally healthy. It's not her fault if her ex cheated on her and is a bastard, however it is her fault if she chooses to stick by his side and take that abuse.

 

I don't find people with problems attractive, sorry. Think about it. Really. If you want to help her out, be a good man, patient and all, but don't try to compensate for something someone else did to her in her past. It's NOT your fault so you don't have to pay for it or take it.

 

Think - really think - if this RS is making YOU happy or if you've gotten sucked in a dynamic where you're only trying to please her. On the long term, it'll tire you down and make you miserable.

 

Whatever you decide to do, focus on building a HEALTHY relationship and always ask yourself if the RS you're in makes YOU happy.

 

cheers

 

Thanks for the reply. It means alot. But im just figuring out how to pull away slightly so that she knows what she's missing out.

[CosmicGate7]

your ex needs to set healthy boundaries with this man. Block him on her cell phone and on her parents' cell phone. She has no boundaries maybe because her parents have none, either.

 

He does look dangerous and stubborned.

 

Anyways, back to you - you can't save people from themselves, Alex. She may be the right person, but it sure looks like it's the wrong timing. You're the rebound man. It hardly ever works out for the rebound men.

 

And even if it does, I think you will get tired at some point to keep on waiting for her to be ready and want a person who is ready NOW.

 

You look like you've gotten your sh*t together, why not go after someone who's done the cleanup in their own life, themselves? That's the bigger question.

 

I dunno, give her time and be supportive... but don't let her walk all over you either. 2-3 hours for her to get ready ? Noooo way, sorry. It's not because she was her ex's victim that you have to become hers. She chose to stay with him through some horrid horrid moments. That is BIG red flags for you.

 

Again, I'd want someone emotionally healthy. It's not her fault if her ex cheated on her and is a bastard, however it is her fault if she chooses to stick by his side and take that abuse.

 

I don't find people with problems attractive, sorry. Think about it. Really. If you want to help her out, be a good man, patient and all, but don't try to compensate for something someone else did to her in her past. It's NOT your fault so you don't have to pay for it or take it.

 

Think - really think - if this RS is making YOU happy or if you've gotten sucked in a dynamic where you're only trying to please her. On the long term, it'll tire you down and make you miserable.

 

Whatever you decide to do, focus on building a HEALTHY relationship and always ask yourself if the RS you're in makes YOU happy.

 

cheers

 

 

^^^^^^ this