betterfly Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Hi! It's very unlike me to post on forums, but I guess there is a first for everything: for a break-up, for this… It is a fairly complicated story, and I do need advice, if someone could be so kind. Relationship background: we have been together for a year, but it was shaky from the beginning. We were very much in love, and are compatible in many ways. We also want many similar things out of life, as well as the same level of freedom. However, since we are very similar, the faults are shared as well. Jealousy was a HUGE issue with us, and we struggled to trust each other. I know that people say love is nothing without trust, but try and convince me that I didn't/don't love him… I think everything is very individual. So, on my part, I can say that I do love him. BUT… I pushed him away. By being jealous, controlling (!!!), aggressive. Even violent on a few occasions. I did some things, which people would call abusive, and I did them in front of his friends. He still tried to forgive me, and we were trying to stay together for a few months. But I was too afraid to let him go and work on my issues, so I kept pressuring him and blaming him, and running away from him, making him chase me. He chased me, but was getting progressively more tired of that. At the same time he started talking to some girls online (they live in different countries), getting some comfort from them (he doesn't know that I know). One night he asked me to give him freedom to spend it with his friends, and then we would meet up the next day and "start anew", but I thought it was unfair and called him. He then listed to me all the reasons why he thinks it's not working and said that we should go our separate ways. SORRY THE POST IS SO LONG, ALMOST OVER I contacted him after that, and he agreed to meet up, it went well, he was cautious, but open to reconnecting slowly. Then I went to a couple events, knowing that he'd be there, and I guess that pushed him away, because next time I wanted to see him, he sent me a message breaking up with me. After that I went NC for about a week, but broke it today to talk about my stuff at his place (some of it is very important, so I can't just leave it). His reply was very friendly, and he suggested that we meet up later in the week to chat and sort things out. NOW, THE QUESTION: How do I use this opportunity for the benefit of our relationship? ALL COMMENTS ARE HIGHLY APPRECIATED!!!
dumbass2 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 YOU don't because you aren't in a relationship with him any more. You already said that showing up to those events may have pushed him away. Keep on him about getting back together and push him away for good. "BUT… I pushed him away. By being jealous, controlling (!!!), aggressive. Even violent on a few occasions" "I did some things, which people would call abusive, and I did them in front of his friends. He still tried to forgive me, and we were trying to stay together for a few months. But I was too afraid to let him go and work on my issues, so I kept pressuring him and blaming him, and running away from him," Meet with him and get your things and let him direct the conversation. The most I would say at some point is "I realize that this is for the best and I recognize that there are some things I need to work on for myself and I'm going to take this time now to do that." No begging or pleading. No apologizing endlessly. You say what I suggest and he will respect you a ton, but you have to stick to it and really work on yourself. Seriously, even if he mentioned trying again (which I doubt) you should stick to this because you really do have some issues you need to deal with for any relationship you're in and you can't address them if you are in contact with him. Do not get in to talking about the relationship. That one is over. Do not come off needy or over emotional. Make the meeting short.
Author betterfly Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Thank you very much for replying! You are absolutely right! I guess what's bothering me is the idea of him moving on (which I feel he already has) and dating/seeing other people. Especially the people I was worried about, including his ex that he was obsessed over for two years before meeting me. He never fully convinced me that his feelings for her were over and that was the reason for most our fights. It was immature of me, I suppose, and at the end I might have pushed him away from me and in her direction. But don't you think that if he does go back to her (or start seeing someone else I was jealous of), then it only proves my point? PS: damn, break-ups suck. A part of me realizes that if he broke up with me, he's not right for me. It means he didn't see in me whag was there to see. Another part of me blames myself for being the worst version of myself with him and wonders "what if"...
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 But don't you think that if he does go back to her (or start seeing someone else I was jealous of), then it only proves my point? What does it matter? What is the prize for being right all along? It changes nothing. It's not worth wasting your brain-power on pointless speculation. I would recommend you get your stuff back in a polite and business-like manner. Don't discuss your relationship or feelings. Don't go in for a cup of tea or a chat. Tell him to put your things in a box, and hand it over the door and be gone. Then go NC.
Author betterfly Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I would recommend you get your stuff back in a polite and business-like manner. Don't discuss your relationship or feelings. Don't go in for a cup of tea or a chat. Tell him to put your things in a box, and hand it over the door and be gone. Then go NC. Not even to agree on NC? I think it's better if we part in a peaceful and friendly manner - that would raise our chances of getting together sometime in the future, potentially. Last time he messaged me, he did mention being friends. I don't know if I could be friends with him now, but I think I could be "friendly".
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