Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Hello there! This may be a bit long i apologize. I don't know how really to start this other than my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year now, we live together, we get along incredibly well and we love each other very much. As a bit of background: Before this boyfriend, I lost my previous boyfriend to cancer, that boyfriend showed me a lot, helped me out of a bad situation in love when we were just friends and it lead to a beautiful relationship with him, although short, I learned a lot. The guy I was with before that was terrible he was mean to me, cheated on me, we were engaged, but It was just very bad we brought out the worst in each other. So through all this I've gained trust problems as well as fear of loss amongst who knows what else lol. So my current boyfriend and I have amazing and frequent sex, this past week it's been just about every day, however we both watch porn (on our own) we were honest about it and it doesn't bother me, even though his choice in material is a little different than mine. Because of my issue with trust (yes it's wrong) but I snooped, I saw the searches for the porn, don't even care, but also noticed he had searched specifically for two girls that we both know of (one someone he sees on his route during the day at work and he other a girl who's got many mutual friends with us) and the search were just the names, but also the "so and so porn" or "so and so xxx" obviously he didn't find anything, and honestly I didn't really feel upset, more just a little disappointed. I get that he's a guy and thinks about other girls I know for a fact he thinks the one girl on his route is cute, I get its fantasy and all, I have fantasies as well... but am I under reacting? Should I be more worried? This guy he's honestly the very best to me, and after what I've been through which he knows, he asked me to live with him and tells me he wants this life with me. I honestly think at this point whatever happens happens, maybe I just don't care because everyone else beat the care out of me. Anyway, any opinions or input?
Ami1uwant Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 If he had thought about cheating on you he wouldn't have shared he thought this woman he sees is cute. The fact he wondered if these women did porn likely came out of some sort of guy talk about them and one of the guys may have said that the woman looks like someone he saw somewhere as a stripper or online. What is the difference in porn you watch? It's normal for a guy to fantasize about 2 women and being with 2 women . 1
BLND Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 My opinion is once you start searching for something out of suspicion you usually find that something. But it's always bad news. At the same time it's ok to have fantasies, but these girls are actually near you. It's possible for him to strike up a conversation and who knows what might happen after that. First of all I wouldn't ask my boyfriend what he thinks of so and so, because It shouldn't matter to me. 3
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Honestly, just the type of porn we watch is different, he sometimes watches threesomes but rarely, he knows he's not getting that... honestly probably one of the only things I won't do lol. And I know once you search, that's when you begin to find things, he's known both of those girls for many years, so I highly doubt he'd start trying now to start something. I am not sure what to think. I don't ask him anything really he just made a comment once about how the girl was pretty, we sometimes say that about people, I sometimes say guys are attractive.
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I totally get why you feel disappointed, because we like to think our guy just thinks of us....but we all know it's not true. It's when we are faced with the reality of it, it deflates us. You are ok because you both on the same page when it comes to porn and fantasies. You get each other which is great, and that's the way it should be. He trusts you so don't ruin it with your snooping. That kind of thing really hurts a relationship. 3
dumbass2 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 It sounds like you two get along great and there is no reason to not trust him. It sounds like he's really into you and you have his attention, but he's like most guys so I see nothing wrong there. Like you said, girls fantasize as well and i think that's all it is. If you sense his behaviors changing and his attitude towards you, then you might question how things are going, but right now I don't see anything to worry about. Enjoy what you have going on with him and see where it goes. 1
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I totally get why you feel disappointed, because we like to think our guy just thinks of us....but we all know it's not true. It's when we are faced with the reality of it, it deflates us. You are ok because you both on the same page when it comes to porn and fantasies. You get each other which is great, and that's the way it should be. He trusts you so don't ruin it with your snooping. That kind of thing really hurts a relationship. I agree, I guess for me I have realized how life really is, I rarely see good in things, but the way he is to me shows me there can be hope, obviously life doesn't revolve around sex we have amazing lives together and honestly I am the one with the bigger sexual appetite. But you are right I need to trust him more, the only thing I will stress to him is if he's ever unhappy with anything to speak with me about it... the rest I just have to trust things will go the way they are supposed to. 1
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 It sounds like you two get along great and there is no reason to not trust him. It sounds like he's really into you and you have his attention, but he's like most guys so I see nothing wrong there. Like you said, girls fantasize as well and i think that's all it is. If you sense his behaviors changing and his attitude towards you, then you might question how things are going, but right now I don't see anything to worry about. Enjoy what you have going on with him and see where it goes. Things have never been better in my life, he treats me incredibly well, opens doors for me, pays for everything including rent which he refuses to let me help unless he really needs it... I guess I just have baggage that lingers and it puts this cloud of doubt over my head which isn't his fault at all and I have to stop doubting everything so much
joseb Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 honestly I am the one with the bigger sexual appetite. If you find that you want sex a lot more than he does, you might want to consider ditching the porn, he might be 'up for it' a lot more often if he's not knocking off to that. Just a thought! 1
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 If you find that you want sex a lot more than he does, you might want to consider ditching the porn, he might be 'up for it' a lot more often if he's not knocking off to that. Just a thought! He knows I'm always willing to do anything, I think, for whatever reason, he just enjoys the porn on his own time. He doesn't have much alone time, and he doesn't spend a ton of time doing it in general. It's just one of those things sometimes you just watch for fun I dunno lol I can't really explain why I've always watched it either. I'll say that after he searched for porn using these girls names and came up with no results he just looked up some of his usual porn, actually probably a bit more than usual, but came home and we had some killer sex. He drives for his job so I know sometimes when it's slow hell download some porn for when he gets home and spends a quick 5 minutes in the shower lol.
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I wouldn't worry about it. In a way it's almost more endearing that he'd want to use real ppl instead of porn stars to fuel his alone time. (And don't worry that it's not you - he gets you every time you have real sex.) Sounds like a good guy, so cut him a little slack and keep him. 1
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I wouldn't worry about it. In a way it's almost more endearing that he'd want to use real ppl instead of porn stars to fuel his alone time. (And don't worry that it's not you - he gets you every time you have real sex.) Sounds like a good guy, so cut him a little slack and keep him. I guess this is one way of looking at it, however I'm sure if I looked to see if our mutual friend Bob starred in porn or even my boss (who is about our age) I don't think my bf would like that very much and pretty sure it would hurt him greatly. I'm not worried, but I am, what a weird feeling
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I guess this is one way of looking at it, however I'm sure if I looked to see if our mutual friend Bob starred in porn or even my boss (who is about our age) I don't think my bf would like that very much and pretty sure it would hurt him greatly. I'm not worried, but I am, what a weird feeling That's just a common jealousy/insecurity reflex. Is there any real world chance he's gonna dump you and run off with these women? Right, so like smackie said above, accepting the fact that none of us monopolize 100% of any person's sexual desire or curiosity anyway, you have nothing to actually worry about. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Sometimes, I'm convinced I saw a girl in a porn. So I totally google it to see, just for fun. Though so far, I've seen exactly 0 women I know in porn. Damnit. 1
Miss Peach Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I don't see any alarms here yet too but if your intuit is telling you something is off then I would listen. A woman's intuition can be freaky sometimes. In terms of porn habits, I watch a lot of things I wouldn't want to do IRL. I see porn as fantasy. That doesn't mean I want to do ALL my fantasies or I can't live without some of them IRL. 1
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 That's just a common jealousy/insecurity reflex. Is there any real world chance he's gonna dump you and run off with these women? Right, so like smackie said above, accepting the fact that none of us monopolize 100% of any person's sexual desire or curiosity anyway, you have nothing to actually worry about. This is true. I guess there is no real world chance anything would happen i hope lol.
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I don't see any alarms here yet too but if your intuit is telling you something is off then I would listen. A woman's intuition can be freaky sometimes. This is very true, but I think we most all can exhibit traits of paranoia at times too, or just that "life is good, something must be wrong" thing. 1
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I don't see any alarms here yet too but if your intuit is telling you something is off then I would listen. A woman's intuition can be freaky sometimes. In terms of porn habits, I watch a lot of things I wouldn't want to do IRL. I see porn as fantasy. That doesn't mean I want to do ALL my fantasies or I can't live without some of them IRL. It's not so much intuition, perhaps more just terrible life experiences making me question everything lol. I've worked on myself a very long time and have completely changed myself for the better in every other way except this one issue of trust. He's very loving and his personality hasn't changed, obviously we are more comfortable now it's been almost a year and we live together, not as mushy, but he bought me flowers last week and the week before gave me a beautiful card. It's in my head I'm pretty sure.
Author Bellaura Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 This is very true, but I think we most all can exhibit traits of paranoia at times too, or just that "life is good, something must be wrong" thing. Oh for sure after all the crap I've endured, abusive relationships, infidelity of others, loss of someone who I thought could be my soul mate to cancer... why all of a sudden is there something good? Lol definitely hear what you're saying 1
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Oh for sure after all the crap I've endured, abusive relationships, infidelity of others, loss of someone who I thought could be my soul mate to cancer... why all of a sudden is there something good? Lol definitely hear what you're saying As long as you understand it and acknowledge it, you can control it. Maybe not easily but at least you have the upper hand.
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