Should I be concerned his online profile is still active after a bit over a month?

[Vintage79]

Not true. Women on online dating will likely be bombarded with messages and "opportunities". For guys it's different. For a guy to meet someone else online, he will have to actively put in effort, send out many messages, etc. Opportunities seldom come knocking at a guy's door online.

 

That statement is only true for loser guys - I've done OLD a few times, and always get plenty of women contacting me, to the point where I don't really need to reach out to people, as I can get a few first dates a week without ever contacting someone first...I would assume that's typical for a lot of guys. The claim that guys struggle to get dates online is a total myth perpetuated by the bottom of the barrel dudes (I'd assume it's similar for fat and ugly ladies).

[salparadise]

I am in a new relationship too. We both still have profiles up (less than 2 months)... but we aren't worried about it because we've talked about it and we know we're both exclusive and enthusiastic. The only reason we still have them up is because we intend to go through the questions together, then delete them.

 

She hasn't logged into her account since the last time she and I looked at it together, over a month ago now. We both say what's on our mind and encourage each other to do so all the time. It's nice. She is perceptive and gives me enough verbally to keep me reassured and stave off anxiety.

 

The first time it came up we were horizontal and kissing and carrying on, and she asked if it's ok that she didn't want sex that evening... I said oh, does that mean you're in it for more than sex (reversing the typical gender perspectives)? We both laughed and reassured each other right then that we're on the same page.

 

So look for an opening OP and just slide it in there and have the talk- that's really what you're asking, right? If it's ok for you to initiate it?

[Gaeta]

I am in a new relationship too. We both still have profiles up (less than 2 months)... but we aren't worried about it because we've talked about it and we know we're both exclusive and enthusiastic. The only reason we still have them up is because we intend to go through the questions together, then delete them.

 

She hasn't logged into her account since the last time she and I looked at it together, over a month ago now.

 

But it would be different if she were logging on on regular basis right?

 

I have had men tell me that since they met me they have not log on their profile just so they don't send me the wrong signal. Those are serious men. OP's man isn't even afraid he will put her off by his presence online. And he's a man for goodness sake can't he put his pants on and tell her he wants to only seeing her? He's not a 12 year old boy!!

[Guyouthere]

If there is serious commitment in a relationship, it is not appropriate for either to be online and looking for another.

 

My last girl, I was serious about her. After all, I gave her a ring. At that point, it should be clear that neither would flirt/want others. That is where we went separately. In her case, she had issues with "no set boundaries" (this her counselor told her). Evidently that included the fact she had to have a secret guy.

 

But committed people should make it clear to friends as well. I still have several women I talk to online, never met them, never will. They know when and if I am committed to someone, and I don't cross boundaries. I hide nothing. Neither side should.

 

Trust is essential.

 

If there is no trust, there is no genuine love or relationship at all that will ever work.

[kendahke]

I don't want to act like a girlfriend - all caring and loving, constantly prioritizing his needs/plans, etc. - until I am one.

 

sweetie, that ship has sailed.

[kendahke]

Dude is opening the door and you keep kicking it shut playing coy.

 

 

Sometimes I feel like he's dropping hints although I never pick up on it fast. For example, occasionally when I jokingly mention how his place needs a woman's touch, he'd respond with "Oh yeah, definitely need a girl in my life. Want to take that position?"

 

I'd have said "yes I do", if that's what I wanted from him. The conversation will flow from there because since you were fishing for this answer, HE then brought it up. He opened the door and that was your cue to walk in.

 

Or when I say things about "significant others" he'd be like, "Oh I didn't know if I made it to that category yet? I thought I'm still the guy you met online..."

 

"Yes you have. Is this what you want?" Again, you were fishing, he took your bait and opened the door and it was your cue to walk in.

 

However I gotta say that when he expresses doubts about whether we've made to a certain stage yet, it comes off to me as that he's not sure himself, which is why I haven't discussed it either.

 

When he brings it up, he's opening the door for discussion. Stop kicking it closed. That's when you ask him "what do you need to see happen before you know this for certain?" Because you need to know if you're even close to that threshold. You got 8 years to waste playing "read my mind?"

 

See, I'm not afraid of men. I'm not afraid of a weak man bolting. Boy, bye. I don't think of it as being clingy, needy or anything else to ask as simple damb question. Clingy and needy is asking that question, getting the answer and not wanting to hear what was said if he tells you what you don't want to hear at that moment then acting like you didn't hear what he said, but doubling down on being needy and clingy. You don't want me? Deuces, dude. Someone else will.

 

If he can't tell me what is going on with him or if I can't tell him what I'm looking for, then what is the point in wasting time, other than getting my jollies? Other people do as they like, some of them have bad experiences behind it, others have success; others want that guy no matter how incompatible the two of them are. Life is way too short for all that BS.

 

Speculating does nothing to stoke the fires of insecurity. Knowing obliterates all the time wasting maneuvering and tells you exactly where you're standing.

[losangelena]

Dude is opening the door and you keep kicking it shut playing coy.

 

I'd have said "yes I do", if that's what I wanted from him. The conversation will flow from there because since you were fishing for this answer, HE then brought it up. He opened the door and that was your cue to walk in.

 

"Yes you have. Is this what you want?" Again, you were fishing, he took your bait and opened the door and it was your cue to walk in.

 

When he brings it up, he's opening the door for discussion. Stop kicking it closed. That's when you ask him "what do you need to see happen before you know this for certain?" Because you need to know if you're even close to that threshold. You got 8 years to waste playing "read my mind?"

 

I had the same thought about those bits of conversation. OP says he sounds unsure, but I think he sounds unsure about OP! I would, too (no offense, OP).

 

At a certain point, someone needs to step forward and RISK. Yes, it's scary to say, "I want xyz, do you want the same thing?," because maybe they'll say no. But again, wouldn't you want to know NOW and not six months from now?

[salparadise]

But it would be different if she were logging on on regular basis right?

 

Oh most definitely. I'd be eaten up with frustration and anxiety if she was, given the way I feel about her now. Of course if that were the case I'd either be holding back emotionally or perhaps even moved on by now. I can't stand multi-dating. She's a smart cookie- she knows all about feelings of vulnerability, so she makes it a point to give me what I need to keep me feeling great. Zero posturing or gamesmanship. She's amazing.

 

I have had men tell me that since they met me they have not log on their profile just so they don't send me the wrong signal. Those are serious men. OP's man isn't even afraid he will put her off by his presence online. And he's a man for goodness sake can't he put his pants on and tell her he wants to only seeing her? He's not a 12 year old boy!!

 

True. Someone needs to break the stalemate in this situation. But it has only been a month- that's what we aren't sure about. She's ready but we aren't certain about him. Based on the clues she's given though, I think he's probably ready.

[Httm]

This is simple. If you want to be in a real relationship with a future, the lines of communication must be open and you must be able to talk about things honestly. Simply talk to him and ask if he wants to be exclusive. If not, then move on.

[boltam]

All this talk about him hinting and you not taking the bait.

 

How about some open honesty about how the two of you feel about each other?

 

For what it's worth, one month is way too soon about moving in together, don't even go there.

 

Whether or not this one works or bites the dust, avoid this problem in the future by setting boundaries.

 

No sex until exclusive. It really is that easy.

[ktragers]

Dude is opening the door and you keep kicking it shut playing coy.

 

 

 

I'd have said "yes I do", if that's what I wanted from him. The conversation will flow from there because since you were fishing for this answer, HE then brought it up. He opened the door and that was your cue to walk in.

 

 

 

"Yes you have. Is this what you want?" Again, you were fishing, he took your bait and opened the door and it was your cue to walk in.

 

 

 

When he brings it up, he's opening the door for discussion. Stop kicking it closed. That's when you ask him "what do you need to see happen before you know this for certain?" Because you need to know if you're even close to that threshold. You got 8 years to waste playing "read my mind?"

 

See, I'm not afraid of men. I'm not afraid of a weak man bolting. Boy, bye. I don't think of it as being clingy, needy or anything else to ask as simple damb question. Clingy and needy is asking that question, getting the answer and not wanting to hear what was said if he tells you what you don't want to hear at that moment then acting like you didn't hear what he said, but doubling down on being needy and clingy. You don't want me? Deuces, dude. Someone else will.

 

If he can't tell me what is going on with him or if I can't tell him what I'm looking for, then what is the point in wasting time, other than getting my jollies? Other people do as they like, some of them have bad experiences behind it, others have success; others want that guy no matter how incompatible the two of them are. Life is way too short for all that BS.

 

Speculating does nothing to stoke the fires of insecurity. Knowing obliterates all the time wasting maneuvering and tells you exactly where you're standing.

 

I agree that I'm very slow in picking up hints like that and that's always been a weakness of mine.

 

Have to say though that there's been a little friction in our relationship lately that earlier this weekend when we were each at a different get-together with friends, we tentatively planned a meet later that evening and while we kept in touch earlier in the evening, I never heard from him later on. I sent a text around 10 and called to check in around 11 and no word from him until about 1 a.m. He apologized and said he was too engaged with his friends and he just got home at that hour. Of course I was a little uncomfortable about it since it clearly meant that he completely forgot about us meeting, or if I was paranoid enough, he could be out there hooking up with some girl that I didn't know about since he usually checks his phone fairly regularly wherever he may be, so that was a bit unusual.

 

I guess it takes a lot to get to know someone, and since we haven't defined what we are to each other yet, he doesn't owe me any explanation as to where he was or why he didn't check his phone, etc., and I told him that too just to be fair. He said that he'd agree but I should know that there's real intent here for us to be something more serious down the road when the time is right. I guess I have my answer right there - he's not ready to commit either at the moment.