Should I be concerned his online profile is still active after a bit over a month?

[ktragers]

I know this is one of those cliche questions but I have zero experience in this and turns out it really is hard not to get concerned. I've been seeing a guy regularly for a bit over a month and when I think about it, it's still pretty early and new, but the context and whole dynamic already make it feel serious. Things have been going well too: we've been consistently seeing each other during some work day evenings and every weekend, keeping in touch in some shape or form every day, I've slept at his place multiple times and "reserved" some toiletry items, he's mentioned cleaning out a drawer for me, we constantly speak about possible events down the road in serious terms, he's told me many times how lucky he is and that his feelings are genuine without a doubt, we've told each other that we're really happy with how things are going, etc. Also, he's recently introduced me to some of his close friends at a lunch get-together, and he also mentioned that he's not seeing anyone else.

 

Basically the signs are all there that we're both interested and we can check all the boxes in terms of a qualities/signs one can look for in a blooming relationship. However, we still haven't really defined what we are now and he'd sometimes bring up how he's the "pseudo-boyfriend" and how he's not sure if he's made it to the "significant other" category. Personally, I like him enough that I don't want to see anyone else, but I'm simply not sure if that's how he feels too and I'm too scared to bring it up to him and ruin what we have going here. Occasionally I'd still see him checking out my online profile (where we met) and at one point when he was showing me all of his old photos of family and friends on his phone, a Tinder alert popped up telling him that he's got a new match. Talking about awkwardness... He just laughed it off at the moment and said he really doesn't use Tinder much and he should delete it, etc. I didn't comment on it at the moment or afterwards at all but it does make me wonder how many other people he's been chatting up online.

 

I guess this is where it bothers me a bit with online dating... There are so many "opportunities" out there that probably the most loyal guy would want to keep his options open once he joined the game. Deep down I know that since we haven't officially discussed being exclusive, we're both free to do whatever we want. I've been hurt before so I'm extra cautious this time, but when things are going well and you slowly get your hopes up, you'd hate to see everything goes up in flames later if something doesn't work out. On one hand I tell myself to relax and let things play out naturally and give him the time and space to figure out his feelings more, but on the other hand I tend to wonder what he's up to and where he is when I'm not around. Any insights on this would be greatly appreciated.

[La Trese]

If you are worried about him finding someone else online -- the chances of that are meh. Its hard to online date. 1 in 100 messages only turn into something.

 

But I think you do need to have the boyfriend conversation with him if you want to be exclusive. Make it official, then he will take it down. No biggie!

[PegNosePete]

There are so many "opportunities" out there that probably the most loyal guy would want to keep his options open

Not true. Women on online dating will likely be bombarded with messages and "opportunities". For guys it's different. For a guy to meet someone else online, he will have to actively put in effort, send out many messages, etc. Opportunities seldom come knocking at a guy's door online.

 

But I think you do need to have the boyfriend conversation with him if you want to be exclusive. Make it official, then he will take it down. No biggie!

Yes, this. Talk to him about becoming official and removing both of your profiles (if yours is still active).

[Gaeta]

Teach by example and remove your profile.

 

Mention to him you did so. Don't ask him about his just tel him you've deleted your profile and listen to what he says.

 

If after 7 days his profile is still up then create a fake profile and go chat with him and see what he's made of.

[Gaeta]

Also, you say you've been hurt and are suspicious. I don't see you doing much to prevent someone else to take advantage of you. Spending that much time with a man, leaving your personal items at his place, meeting is friends. All this in an unidentified relationship is indicative your walls are down and you are exposing yourself to another wound.

 

So be smart and look out for yourself no one else will.

[kendahke]

I've been seeing a guy regularly for a bit over a month and when I think about it, it's still pretty early and new,

Things have been going well too:

we've been consistently seeing each other during some work day evenings and every weekend, keeping in touch in some shape or form every day,

I've slept at his place multiple times and "reserved" some toiletry items,

he's mentioned cleaning out a drawer for me,

we constantly speak about possible events down the road in serious terms,

he's told me many times how lucky he is and that his feelings are genuine without a doubt,

we've told each other that we're really happy with how things are going,

he's recently introduced me to some of his close friends at a lunch get-together,

he also mentioned that he's not seeing anyone else.

 

However, we still haven't really defined what we are now and he'd sometimes bring up how he's the "pseudo-boyfriend" and how he's not sure if he's made it to the "significant other" category.

Personally, I like him enough that I don't want to see anyone else, but I'm simply not sure if that's how he feels too and I'm too scared to bring it up to him and ruin what we have going here.

Occasionally I'd still see him checking out my online profile

I didn't comment on it at the moment or afterwards at all but it does make me wonder how many other people he's been chatting up online.

 

I know that since we haven't officially discussed being exclusive, we're both free to do whatever we want.

Any insights on this would be greatly appreciated.

 

First thing you need to do is close your account before you can speak to him about his account.

 

You are going to end up hurt. Know why? Because you will not own your voice and speak up for yourself. You're expecting him to read your mind and that's not fair. To play a "guess what I'm thinking" game with a man you're allowing into your body is regressive.

 

Anything done or not done from a basis of fear has no chance of a good outcome. If you're that afraid of his reaction if you speak up for yourself, then you're with the wrong man. If you trust him enough to give him the pink, then you should trust him enough to speak your mind and not be afraid of the consequences. If he is who he claims he is, he won't bolt. If he truly wants to be with you, he won't bolt. Why would you not want to know this information? You'd rather live a lie? Short term gains... not a good investment strategy.

 

You can't sex a man into a relationship. He'll be there or won't be there because of other things, not because of the sex.

 

Until you and he have agreed and made a delclaration of your intent for exclusivity and commitment, then you're basically still in the involvement/dating/fwb stage and not the relationship stage.

 

If you're moving too fast by already pseudo-moving in, being his pseudo-girlfriend at the 4-5 week mark, yet you have an active profile, haven't owned your voice and spoken up for you wanting to be recognized as his girlfriend, then chances are, he probably thinks you're cool with the arrangement.

[KatZee]

I say keep your guard up. I've dealt with online dating for 3+ years and I've noticed that if a guy isn't pushing the relationship forward, and is still browsing the site, it's not good news.

 

I tried to be "laid back" about this in the past, and in each and every situation, I was being played. The guy had no interest in dating me exclusively, and was actively dating, and juggling multiple women.

 

The most recent guy I met off online dating had his profile active after a month of us dating. A friend of mine stumbled across his profile on Match when I was away on vacation.

 

He had been talking about more dates, having sleep overs, a road trip out of state, and when I was out of the country, he was uploading new pictures to Match.

 

He wasn't taking me seriously, he still had his options open, he was still openly dating other women, and probably smooth talking all those other women as well.

 

Yes, online dating is garbage. Yes, it's true that the vast majority of messages and dates turn to nothing, but that does NOT MEAN guys don't always have that hope that something better will cross his path.

 

The guy I was dating and I had tons in common, we had fun together, laughed all the time, talked forever, had the same mentality, personality. But at the end of the day, he wasn't trying to be in a serious relationship, or just wasn't that into me.

 

A guy that wants to date you exclusively isn't going to keep his profile active to talk to other people, he's going to want to focus on you.

 

I quit online dating for this reason, no one was serious. It was all about the "next best thing" and I personally don't have time for such idiocy. But if I were to go back to online dating, I'd be much stricter with having the guy I'm dating/sleeping with being on the site. It's not fair, it's disrespectful, it keeps you unsure and insecure as to where you stand.

 

Who wants to be with someone who doesn't think you're all that amazing, that he'd rather keep his options open?

[salparadise]

At one month I'd say you just need to relax and give it a chance to progress. This is an awkward time for a new relationship––perhaps too soon for declarations, yet the attachment and investment is growing stronger. If you're already having sex and only want to do that in an exclusive relationship, then it's even more complicated. What you don't want to do is appear anxious and clingy. You have two options.

 

a) give it some more time and let develop naturally. Having his profile up doesn't mean he's dating others, or trying to. It could just be that he hasn't taken it down yet and is waiting to see how things transpire between the two of you.

 

b) you initiate the exclusivity conversation, and assuming you're both on board, suggest that you both delete the profiles now (or soon). If you're having sex (or are ready to) then it most certainly is your business. If he balks at exclusivity or taking down his profile, then you should postpone sex and start dating others too... because that's really the only reason he would be hesitant.

 

At some point if he's not ready to be exclusive or in a relationship with you, then you have to decide if you're ready to cut your losses and move on. Labels don't mean much––behavior does. If you know he's not multi-dating then you can give it some time. If you believe he is then you have decisions to make.

[central]

Teach by example and remove your profile.

 

Mention to him you did so. Don't ask him about his just tel him you've deleted your profile and listen to what he says.

 

If after 7 days his profile is still up then create a fake profile and go chat with him and see what he's made of.

 

Bad idea. You would be indirectly saying you want to be exclusive, but if he's not yet decided, he can still legitimately look online and date others if he wants to. Not talking about it directly is passive aggressive behavior and manipulative. It only works if he does what you want whether or not he's ready.

 

Bring this into the open and ask him if he's ready to be exclusive. That's the only way you both find out if you're at the same place and in agreement. Even if he's not YET ready to make that decision, he may be soon - but his response to the question will probably give you a good idea of where he's at and where he's going with this.

[Maggie4]

Tell him you should both suspend activity on dating sites and see where this goes. If you don't reach this understanding, you can't go forward.

Also be aware, that online dating can be addictive for some people. It is the one place where strangers of the opposite sex contact you out of nowhere because they are interested in you, where else does the average man get that? it can be quite an ego boost, and even some family men get addicted to it. Guy gets an email "such and so checked out your profile!", and then he has to go look, although hances are "she" will never meet him. OLD site is a booming business!

So if you have a guy who has been lurking on dating sites for over 10 years and checks in first thing when he wakes up, chances are he will not stop. It has become a way of life for him. If that's the case, I'd say you move on, not worth the long term battle.

[Gaeta]

Bad idea. You would be indirectly saying you want to be exclusive, but if he's not yet decided, he can still legitimately look online and date others if he wants to. Not talking about it directly is passive aggressive behavior and manipulative. It only works if he does what you want whether or not he's ready.

 

Bring this into the open and ask him if he's ready to be exclusive. That's the only way you both find out if you're at the same place and in agreement. Even if he's not YET ready to make that decision, he may be soon - but his response to the question will probably give you a good idea of where he's at and where he's going with this.

 

They are acting and doing everything boyfriend-girlfriend are suppose to do so what is there to not be ready ? He is getting the best of her, her time, her attention, her loving and he's browsing? he's not ready?

 

I don't believe a woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. Men are hunters and should offer exclusivity to a woman. If they don't it's because she's not THAT special to him, even if he does all the lovey dovey things she is listing.

 

A man doesn't need 2 months of casual dating to know if he likes a woman <that way>. He knows after 3-4 dates. If he doesn't address exclusivity early he never will. How I know? the 100s of threads on here dealing with this very same topic.

 

So, in my opinion she needs to nudge him. She deletes her profile, which means absolutely nothing in terms of exclusivity. I delete my profile my profile each 2 weeks when I have a bunch of prospects I have transferred on text and I don't need the site for a while. She nudges him and if he doesn't wake up and reciprocate with deleting his profile she dumps him.

 

A woman bringing up the exclusivity talk has never ever EVER brought on a positive outcome.

Edited October 27, 2015 by Gaeta

[ktragers]

Also, you say you've been hurt and are suspicious. I don't see you doing much to prevent someone else to take advantage of you. Spending that much time with a man, leaving your personal items at his place, meeting is friends. All this in an unidentified relationship is indicative your walls are down and you are exposing yourself to another wound.

 

So be smart and look out for yourself no one else will.

 

True, and I gotta say I'm a "people pleaser" at times that deep down I know what I'm doing but it's hard for me to appear "harsh" on the outside. Also, I've been hurt in the past in that men had kept my hopes up when they'd gotten out of a relationship only days or weeks prior to meeting me and were completely emotionally unavailable. So essentially they couldn't get over - or were still in close contact with - their ex yet still trying to date others, etc. However, in hindsight, the signs that they were never that interested were very obvious, and I just refused to acknowledge them since I liked them a lot.

 

It's also why now I want to see where my current situation goes, because this guy's behavior has been the exact opposite of that of those men I dated previously who were not truly interested.

[Gaeta]

True, and I gotta say I'm a "people pleaser" at times that deep down I know what I'm doing but it's hard for me to appear "harsh" on the outside. Also, I've been hurt in the past in that men had kept my hopes up when they'd gotten out of a relationship only days or weeks prior to meeting me and were completely emotionally unavailable. So essentially they couldn't get over - or were still in close contact with - their ex yet still trying to date others, etc. However, in hindsight, the signs that they were never that interested were very obvious, and I just refused to acknowledge them since I liked them a lot.

 

It's also why now I want to see where my current situation goes, because this guy's behavior has been the exact opposite of that of those men I dated previously who were not truly interested.

 

Think about it for a moment.

 

You go to his place, you have intimate moments together, you spend the night in his bed. He leaves for work still feeling your kiss good bye on his lips and not long after he logs online to browse other profiles? Really?

 

Do you do that?

 

I don't.

[ktragers]

First thing you need to do is close your account before you can speak to him about his account.

 

You are going to end up hurt. Know why? Because you will not own your voice and speak up for yourself. You're expecting him to read your mind and that's not fair. To play a "guess what I'm thinking" game with a man you're allowing into your body is regressive.

 

Anything done or not done from a basis of fear has no chance of a good outcome. If you're that afraid of his reaction if you speak up for yourself, then you're with the wrong man. If you trust him enough to give him the pink, then you should trust him enough to speak your mind and not be afraid of the consequences. If he is who he claims he is, he won't bolt. If he truly wants to be with you, he won't bolt. Why would you not want to know this information? You'd rather live a lie? Short term gains... not a good investment strategy.

 

You can't sex a man into a relationship. He'll be there or won't be there because of other things, not because of the sex.

 

Until you and he have agreed and made a delclaration of your intent for exclusivity and commitment, then you're basically still in the involvement/dating/fwb stage and not the relationship stage.

 

If you're moving too fast by already pseudo-moving in, being his pseudo-girlfriend at the 4-5 week mark, yet you have an active profile, haven't owned your voice and spoken up for you wanting to be recognized as his girlfriend, then chances are, he probably thinks you're cool with the arrangement.

 

There are a lot of good points in this. I definitely do understand the logic of dating, although sometimes things happen and for women it can be one of those "damned if you do and screwed if you don't" situations when it comes to sex. We did, however, make sure that we're at least not sleeping around with other people and that we want to be safe and clean. I'd also like to think that he's not the only prize here with all the power; when things are not defined, I'm free to do whatever and date whomever I want as well, so if he wants to lock me in he needs to feel the urge to have the talk with me too. If he thinks I'm okay with the current arrangement, maybe it works the other way too - he's giving me the impression that he's okay with it as well.

 

We may be moving a bit fast here and we've had some bold dates. But although we've spent a lot of time together and such, I don't want to act like a girlfriend - all caring and loving, constantly prioritizing his needs/plans, etc. - until I am one.

[Gaeta]

I don't want to act like a girlfriend - all caring and loving, constantly prioritizing his needs/plans, etc. - until I am one.

 

 

we've been consistently seeing each other during some work day evenings and every weekend, keeping in touch in some shape or form every day, I've slept at his place multiple times and "reserved" some toiletry items, he's mentioned cleaning out a drawer for me

Too late, you are giving him everything as if you were his girlfriend.

[ktragers]

Think about it for a moment.

 

You go to his place, you have intimate moments together, you spend the night in his bed. He leaves for work still feeling your kiss good bye on his lips and not long after he logs online to browse other profiles? Really?

 

Do you do that?

 

I don't.

 

Oh I agree. I'm definitely bothered by that but I'm not entirely sure if he's actively logging in to browse and chat or if he just gets on occasionally when I'm not around. After all, those sites all come with an app on our phone and the notifications just keep popping. The Tinder "incident" especially bothered me a bit because I distinctly remember us making fun of that site/app being a "hook-up service" but when he got that alert telling him he's got a new match, it must mean that he'd recently been on there swiping left and right.

 

But obviously I'm doing the same thing here - still browsing and chatting just for the heck of it while I'm actually into my current date. It's literally become a habit, and I think for someone new to this it can be an interesting game and huge ego boost. I know he's quite new to the online dating scene.

[Gaeta]

Your question is if you should be concerned of his online activities after a little bit over a month dating.

 

In general no because people will only have had 3-4 dates in a month and no sex but when a relationship takes off the ground like yours did, when after 1 month you spend nights over at each other's home, when you speak to each other daily, when you leave personal items at their home, the 1 month dating doesn't count anymore. You need to look at it in terms of time invested and you have invested A LOT of time in this man, too much for him to still be browsing online.

[Gaeta]

But obviously I'm doing the same thing here - still browsing and chatting just for the heck of it while I'm actually into my current date. It's literally become a habit, and I think for someone new to this it can be an interesting game and huge ego boost. I know he's quite new to the online dating scene.

 

Then stop it. You were on there to find a man, you found one. Teach by example like I said. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

 

As for him, if he's new to online I can assure you he's not ready to delete all of those apps. He's not gonna stop at you. That's why I don't date online newbies.

[ktragers]

we've been consistently seeing each other during some work day evenings and every weekend, keeping in touch in some shape or form every day, I've slept at his place multiple times and "reserved" some toiletry items, he's mentioned cleaning out a drawer for me

Too late, you are giving him everything as if you were his girlfriend.

 

Mmm maybe we have different definition for what a girlfriend's behavior looks like. Someone he's in a fwb relationship with can do all that as well but it doesn't indicate any emotional investment. I think there's a huge gap between having someone around for the company and that nurturing committed feeling of a real relationship.

[Gaeta]

Mmm maybe we have different definition for what a girlfriend's behavior looks like. Someone he's in a fwb relationship with can do all that as well but it doesn't indicate any emotional investment. I think there's a huge gap between having someone around for the company and that nurturing committed feeling of a real relationship.

 

You don't nurture him? You don't give him affection?

 

I am sure you do.

 

May I ask how old you 2 are.

[ktragers]

You don't nurture him? You don't give him affection?

 

I am sure you do.

 

May I ask how old you 2 are.

 

We're both in our late 20s...

 

Sometimes I feel like he's dropping hints although I never pick up on it fast. For example, occasionally when I jokingly mention how his place needs a woman's touch, he'd respond with "Oh yeah, definitely need a girl in my life. Want to take that position?" Or when I say things about "significant others" he'd be like, "Oh I didn't know if I made it to that category yet? I thought I'm still the guy you met online..." etc. etc... However I gotta say that when he expresses doubts about whether we've made to a certain stage yet, it comes off to me as that he's not sure himself, which is why I haven't discussed it either.

[losangelena]

We're both in our late 20s...

 

Sometimes I feel like he's dropping hints although I never pick up on it fast. For example, occasionally when I jokingly mention how his place needs a woman's touch, he'd respond with "Oh yeah, definitely need a girl in my life. Want to take that position?" Or when I say things about "significant others" he'd be like, "Oh I didn't know if I made it to that category yet? I thought I'm still the guy you met online..." etc. etc... However I gotta say that when he expresses doubts about whether we've made to a certain stage yet, it comes off to me as that he's not sure himself, which is why I haven't discussed it either.

 

Or, maybe he means he's not sure how you feel about him. How encouraging are you on that end? Are you upfront about how much you like him? Sometimes, if both are trying to "play cool," it can leave a feeling of uncertainty over the whole thing.

 

I understand that feeling that you have, of not wanting to say something for fear of losing what you have, but if what you have is so easily upended, wouldn't you want to know that straightaway? I speak from experience when I say, two squirrely people do not a good relationship make.

 

Also, if your profile is still up, how can you expect him to take his down?

 

Bottom line, by never speaking up for yourself, you will just remain in a cycle of unfulfilling, anxiety-provoking relationships. If you aren't willing or able to do the hard work of being self assertive (it is not easy), then you cannot expect a different kind of relationship.

[Jejangles]

Or, maybe he means he's not sure how you feel about him. How encouraging are you on that end? Are you upfront about how much you like him? Sometimes, if both are trying to "play cool," it can leave a feeling of uncertainty over the whole thing.

 

I understand that feeling that you have, of not wanting to say something for fear of losing what you have, but if what you have is so easily upended, wouldn't you want to know that straightaway? I speak from experience when I say, two squirrely people do not a good relationship make.

 

Also, if your profile is still up, how can you expect him to take his down?

 

Bottom line, by never speaking up for yourself, you will just remain in a cycle of unfulfilling, anxiety-provoking relationships. If you aren't willing or able to do the hard work of being self assertive (it is not easy), then you cannot expect a different kind of relationship.

 

Agreed, Losengelena has said everything I thought when I first read your post. It seems he may be unsure about how you're feeling towards him. If his going online is bothering you, be upfront, let him know you are in and ready to be exclusive (or whatever you are ready for) and see what happens.

 

Nothing good happens from letting these things go. I dated someone for almost four months where we never addressed what we were, where it was going and when I finally asked he said "I want to keep it casual". I thought we were just moving slowly and cautiously but really we were moving nowhere.

 

Do be prepared though that the conversation may not go the way you want. The guy I was dating kept dropping hints like "oh I don't want some other guy keeping your hands warm" etc. which I took to mean he was shy but wanted to progress things. Sometimes it's a bad sign when a guy has to hint around what he wants and can't just come out and say it. But you won't know until you bring it up.

[losangelena]

Yep, it's sucky, but sometimes you have to rip the band-aid off.

 

For the record, to me it does not sound promising, but again, as a few people have noted—you don't want to stay in that situation forever, do you? Better (I think) to find out a month in than tip toe around each other for months, only to eventually find out that he really has no interest in fully committing. I don't know, that's up to you, of course; you may be pleasantly surprised.

[salparadise]

Or, maybe he means he's not sure how you feel about him. How encouraging are you on that end? Are you upfront about how much you like him? Sometimes, if both are trying to "play cool," it can leave a feeling of uncertainty over the whole thing.

 

I thought of that too––what if he doesn't want to come off as too eager or anxious? And from the snippets of conversation OP shared, that may very well be the case.

 

I agree with losangelena too... nothing to lose by just broaching the topic and talking about it openly. If one month in feels like the right time then go for it. If you feel it's a little too soon, then give it another week or two. I get the feeling that you're going to be fine based on the snippets.