7th date sex

[No_Go]

Sorry if it came as trying to provoke you, it is just weird to me that people eat, walk, do things together slash "date" with people that they do not love and/or desire (at least like and desire...)

 

I'm actually not opposing the idea of being friends first (what my guess is your approach), but my approach is not to force it, nothing against it if it is circumstantial.

 

Regarding meticulousness, for me it is in the pre-screen, i.e. pre-dating interactions. Again consider it as a personal preference. WHatever makes you and your partner happy.

 

Thanks for the attempt at armchair analysis but no I do not have any hangups about sex. I enjoy it very much. With a person I love and desire.

[RoseWater]

This relationship sounds very sloooow, and I don't just mean physically.

 

7 dates in 5 weeks, just coffee and dinner dates, sounds like you aren't really sure if you like the guy yet... that's a long enough time you should know.

But no, I don't think going over to the other person's place, especially at lunch time should imply sex.

 

Yeah, I hate him. And he hates me even more.

[SwordofFlame]

Thanks for the attempt at armchair analysis but no I do not have any hangups about sex. I enjoy it very much. With a person I love and desire.

Let's say you fall in love with this guy before having sex and he doesn't want sex with you or sex only once a month. Would you fall out of love? Would you dump him?

[Jejangles]

I used to subscribe to the three date (or thereabouts) rule. It didn't work for me - I find once I am getting physical with a guy, I stop assessing our suitability for being in a relationship and get very invested. So now I move slower. I am going on a third date with someone on Saturday and we haven't even kissed yet! I dated a guy for a few weeks over the summer, and we didn't kiss until date five (also our last date due to core value differences, nothing to do with the kiss.)

 

I also multi date in the early stages and am very uncomfortable with getting physical with one person then going on a date with another. So yeah, for now, I guess I move slower than a lot of people because I am trying to really get to know the person rather than dive right in based on chemistry. I mostly meet my dates online, so on our first date they are complete strangers.

 

With that said, I get your concern about moving the date "in home". It's a lot easier to keep things PG when you are doing things in public and around other people. I think a lunch date is probably a pretty safe in home date, but once you have broken that "in home" barrier, I find a lot of subsequent dates tend to take place in the home and physical contact gets ramped up. If you don't see yourself being ready to get more physical for a few more weeks, you may want to suggest meeting somewhere else.

[Odinani]

I've been reading this thread with interest. I am in a slightly similar position. I have been dating my bf for several weeks and we have not had sex yet. I am an old fashioned girl and I just don't have sex very quickly, although I am in love with him.

 

One thing I have noticed is that people who have regrets from having had sex early and been dumped or disappointed will often be very defensive around those who choose to wait. It's similar to the way heavy social drinkers will often pressure or ridicule or try to shame somebody who chooses not to drink alcohol. I am seeing a lot of that attitude in this thread.

 

The OP sounds happy in the relationship. She has chosen to wait before having sex. Her man is OK with it or he wouldn't keep dating her. Why is that so threatening to so many of the people who have replied?

[fitnessfan365]

No, we've not yet talked about it. Unless he is psychic he can't really know that I like to take things slow. It looks like maybe he likes to take things slow as well, otherwise he would have made a move before now.

 

So then you admit he has been taking it slow. Before you made it sound like him not trying for six weeks after sex was "normal". That's exactly why I was saying that a good guy like this, is one you should be able to let your guard down with.

[BlueIris]

Let's not make this a values war lol ....I happen to be a generally early sex woman, but I support RoseWater's prerogative to determine that for herself and I don't simply assume everyone has to be like me. Would be nice if ppl like me got the same consideration (which Rose already gave - thank you Rose. ).

 

I did not mean to start a values war at all.

No, not anybody has to be like anybody else- as if we could be, even if we tried! I have massive respect for you and for people's individual choices.

[RoseWater]

So then you admit he has been taking it slow. Before you made it sound like him not trying for six weeks after sex was "normal". That's exactly why I was saying that a good guy like this, is one you should be able to let your guard down with.

 

Not initiating a kiss until the 3rd date is certainly taking it on the slow side, although not so slow I'd worry he's gay or anything. I'd definitely describe him as taking things slow but at the same making it extremely clear he's very into me. I don't find his behaviour abnormally slow, simply refreshingly slow. I really like that. I actually find it a turn-on :bunny:

[MidwestUSA]

Yeah, I hate him. And he hates me even more.

 

LOL! You've maintained your composure. I've skipped the last couple of pages, but will take another angle here.

 

Of course go to his place for lunch! If he puts a lunchable on a paper plate with some chips, you'll know he's not long term material! Sex isn't everything.

 

Enjoy!

[RoseWater]

LOL! You've maintained your composure. I've skipped the last couple of pages, but will take another angle here.

 

Of course go to his place for lunch! If he puts a lunchable on a paper plate with some chips, you'll know he's not long term material! Sex isn't everything.

 

Enjoy!

 

hahahahaha

[fitnessfan365]

YOU deserve sex too, no?

 

Nothing wrong with spending time together, but what you describe is a friendship, not romance.

 

I went on dates with one guy 6 times and I REALLY enjoyed his company... But dreaded sex (we even never kissed, nothing physical ever)... because I was not attracted to him besides his great qualities (that could make him a friend)

 

Do you think you like him physically enough? Is he morphing into friend or a lover? Or it is just you, i.e. you'd act the same way with another person... Just something to think about.

 

P.S. Sex is not a price/giving. It is mutually desirable act/sharing. I think equal for men and women.

 

Very good post and I've basically said the same thing multiple times in this thread.

 

Let's say two people feel intense desire. But, they still want to wait to have sex to build trust. At the very least, sex would cross their mind and lead to a discussion about it. There would be heavy making out, naked foreplay in private, etc.. If they described it, you'd be able to feel the passion and the tension created from waiting.

 

But this whole thing sounds very lukewarm. They've never talked about sex or done anything other than mild kissing in public. Instead of RW stressing she can't wait to have sex when the time is right, how hot the guy is, etc she says "she doesn't owe anyone sex". This sounds pretty detached. So I think what people in the thread are picking up on is not her wanting to wait. But that the thread lacks passion/excitement that comes naturally when you're waiting with someone you desire.

[Odinani]

Very good post and I've basically said the same thing multiple times in this thread.

 

Let's say two people feel intense desire. But, they still want to wait to have sex to build trust. At the very least, sex would cross their mind and lead to a discussion about it. There would be heavy making out, naked foreplay in private, etc.. If they described it, you'd be able to feel the passion and the tension created from waiting.

 

But this whole thing sounds very lukewarm. They've never talked about sex or done anything other than mild kissing in public. Instead of RW stressing she can't wait to have sex when the time is right, how hot the guy is, etc she says "she doesn't owe anyone sex". This sounds pretty detached. So I think what people in the thread are picking up on is not her wanting to wait. But that the thread lacks passion/excitement that comes naturally when you're waiting with someone you desire.

 

Some people are more base and animal-like than others.

[JasmineJones]

Very good post and I've basically said the same thing multiple times in this thread.

 

Let's say two people feel intense desire. But, they still want to wait to have sex to build trust. At the very least, sex would cross their mind and lead to a discussion about it. There would be heavy making out, naked foreplay in private, etc.. If they described it, you'd be able to feel the passion and the tension created from waiting.

 

But this whole thing sounds very lukewarm. They've never talked about sex or done anything other than mild kissing in public. Instead of RW stressing she can't wait to have sex when the time is right, how hot the guy is, etc she says "she doesn't owe anyone sex". This sounds pretty detached. So I think what people in the thread are picking up on is not her wanting to wait. But that the thread lacks passion/excitement that comes naturally when you're waiting with someone you desire.

 

You're talking about what you consider normal. It sounds as if sex is the most important thing for you in a relationship by far and that you cannot function without it. I'm guessing you realise that your views and experiences aren't the default or the blueprint?

[fitnessfan365]

You're talking about what you consider normal. It sounds as if sex is the most important thing for you in a relationship by far and that you cannot function without it. I'm guessing you realise that your views and experiences aren't the default or the blueprint?

 

Hahaha.. This made me laugh out loud.

 

I've said repeatedly on the forums that I prefer waiting longer to have sex. My current GF and I waited two months after we were exclusive. If anyone were to talk to her, she'd say how patient I was and that I never pressured her. Hell, we never even sexted,

 

But even though we were waiting, we were still both passionately attracted to each other. That it is what feels like it's missing here and what other people have picked up on as well. That the description sounds more like a lukewarm friendship.

[Odinani]

Hahaha.. This made me laugh out loud.

 

I've said repeatedly on the forums that I prefer waiting longer to have sex. My current GF and I waited two months after we were exclusive. If anyone were to talk to her, she'd say how patient I was and that I never pressured her. Hell, we never even sexted,

 

But even though we were waiting, we were still both passionately attracted to each other. That it is what feels like it's missing here and what other people have picked up on as well. That the description sounds more like a lukewarm friendship.

 

That's not what I'm picking up. It sounds like a loving happy new relationship to me. It sounds a lot more appealing to me personally than the scenario described in your post (naked foreplay etc early in a relationship). Functional long term relationships tend to be relatively slow and steady, with feelings growing and growing. Not so intense that you want to tear the person's clothes off and can't stop thinking about sex. A healthy adult relationship pivots around mutual caring and love. The sex is the icing on the cake.

[SwordofFlame]

Maybe he hasn't tried to escalate things physically so far because it's hard to do that in public. Some women don't even like to make out in public.

[Odinani]

Maybe he hasn't tried to escalate things physically so far because it's hard to do that in public. Some women don't even like to make out in public.

 

He could have invited the OP to his home before the 7th date though if he was looking to escalate earlier.

[SwordofFlame]

Well so far we don't know what the guy is looking for in terms of sex...

 

But OP has said that she needs to be in love first before having sex. If you don't need to have sex with someone to be in love with them, than one could conclude that sex isn't important or even a necessity to being in love for OP. Now before I get flamed, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging.

 

I just think most guys need to have sex first before falling in love. I hope OP's guy is an exception.

 

This assumes there are no religious factors involved.

[jen1447]

You're talking about what you consider normal. It sounds as if sex is the most important thing for you in a relationship by far and that you cannot function without it. I'm guessing you realise that your views and experiences aren't the default or the blueprint?

 

But even though we were waiting, we were still both passionately attracted to each other. That it is what feels like it's missing here and what other people have picked up on as well. That the description sounds more like a lukewarm friendship.

 

So in other words, FF doesn't realize that his views and experiences aren't the default or the blueprint. This is ....familiar.

[RoseWater]

This is Why I Wait for Sex. | elephant journal

[No_Go]

So THESE I agree are solid reasons to delay intimacy.

-"stop assessing our suitability for being in a relationship and get very invested"

-" very uncomfortable with getting physical with one person then going on a date with another"

Overall, great advice in this post.

 

I used to subscribe to the three date (or thereabouts) rule. It didn't work for me - I find once I am getting physical with a guy, I stop assessing our suitability for being in a relationship and get very invested. So now I move slower. I am going on a third date with someone on Saturday and we haven't even kissed yet! I dated a guy for a few weeks over the summer, and we didn't kiss until date five (also our last date due to core value differences, nothing to do with the kiss.)

 

I also multi date in the early stages and am very uncomfortable with getting physical with one person then going on a date with another. So yeah, for now, I guess I move slower than a lot of people because I am trying to really get to know the person rather than dive right in based on chemistry. I mostly meet my dates online, so on our first date they are complete strangers.

 

With that said, I get your concern about moving the date "in home". It's a lot easier to keep things PG when you are doing things in public and around other people. I think a lunch date is probably a pretty safe in home date, but once you have broken that "in home" barrier, I find a lot of subsequent dates tend to take place in the home and physical contact gets ramped up. If you don't see yourself being ready to get more physical for a few more weeks, you may want to suggest meeting somewhere else.

[No_Go]

I agree. At least the description of RW suggests that BOTH of them are lukewarm (unless one/both of them is very unexperienced or sexually repressed for some reason).

 

Waiting actually can come with good reasons - like trying to pick the right match while multi-dating as another user pointed out, but I don't get this vibe here.

 

The whole females "giving" sex, males "giving" meals is a common theme in LS... If the act of sex or treating is not a desire but a chore...better not do it at all

 

Very good post and I've basically said the same thing multiple times in this thread.

 

Let's say two people feel intense desire. But, they still want to wait to have sex to build trust. At the very least, sex would cross their mind and lead to a discussion about it. There would be heavy making out, naked foreplay in private, etc.. If they described it, you'd be able to feel the passion and the tension created from waiting.

 

But this whole thing sounds very lukewarm. They've never talked about sex or done anything other than mild kissing in public. Instead of RW stressing she can't wait to have sex when the time is right, how hot the guy is, etc she says "she doesn't owe anyone sex". This sounds pretty detached. So I think what people in the thread are picking up on is not her wanting to wait. But that the thread lacks passion/excitement that comes naturally when you're waiting with someone you desire.

[No_Go]

Isn't sex just a (big) part of mutual caring and love? An action pleasurable for both parties involved?

 

That's not what I'm picking up. It sounds like a loving happy new relationship to me. It sounds a lot more appealing to me personally than the scenario described in your post (naked foreplay etc early in a relationship). Functional long term relationships tend to be relatively slow and steady, with feelings growing and growing. Not so intense that you want to tear the person's clothes off and can't stop thinking about sex. A healthy adult relationship pivots around mutual caring and love. The sex is the icing on the cake.

[getsmartie]

I didn't read through the whole thread but OP I'd wait until you're ready.

 

My boyfriend waited for over 3 months. I was wildly attracted to him and the chemistry was intense but like you OP I don't jump into bed with men. I've always taken my time. I need to feel safe and that I'm falling for them.

 

He respected that about me. When we finally did go there it was an intense and passionate.

[jen1447]

Question for the late crowd - after it finally happens, is it on then full time at that point? (Assuming everything goes well.) I'd hate to think you'd wait another 3 months or whatevs til the next time.