7th date sex

October 28, 2015

^ Ha - if he's 'planning' their first time to be a nooner on lunch date #7 at his place (which I really doubt he is based on everything RW's said) ....well that would be about as lame as it gets. Seriously.

The more I think about this, the more I am starting to think that he himself does not want to move fast as far as physical intimacy is concerned. It's not like I've told him I prefer to go slow, he's just going slow anyway. The two of us really should talk -- and the perfect opportunity to do that is our next date.

One effect his going slow has on me is to make me fancy him even more. I am used to guys who are trying to ram their tongue down your throat on date one and expecting a BJ by date three. Having no pressure on me at all and having time for my feelings to develop for this guy is a major turn-on.

October 28, 2015

RW you've never talked w/him about sex at all have you? I'm guessing no because if you had he'd know you like to wait longer and you wouldn't be wondering what he expects. Since you're in an "adult relationship" communicating about sex is pretty standard. Before you go to his house, you should talk to him about it.

But in general, the time table on sex is way faster than it used to be in dating. So if he doesn't know you like to wait longer, he probably figures that six weeks has been enough time for you to feel comfortable. That's why I'm guessing he finally planned a private date. I mean think about it. What's the only difference between lunch out and lunch in. In one you can't have sex, and the other you can.

No, we've not yet talked about it. Unless he is psychic he can't really know that I like to take things slow. It looks like maybe he likes to take things slow as well, otherwise he would have made a move before now.

October 28, 2015

Wow. This post escalated quickly.

Op-- to answer your original question-- no, I don't think that he is expecting sex. From the way you've described him, he sounds like he is very in tune with you and knows you want to take it slow. Plus, lunchtime is not sexytime.

I am also very perplexed by all of the comments you've received on here about waiting to have sex. I agree with your reasoning and your decision making. I think sex is easy, it's everything else that's so damn hard.

I'm going to throw in my 2c here as well. Normal, functioning, adjusted women do NOT go out on dates for a free meal or a free drink. Ive only ever met one woman that does that and needless to say, she's broke and a train wreck.

Also. Sex is not a bargaining chip. You don't get it just for having a conversation with me over dinner. I didn't realize so many people were using it as a currency.

Great post Darkbloom. It is true that sex is one of the least difficult things to get 'right' in a relationship. Other things like compromise and two very different personalities managing to get along etc that are much harder.

October 28, 2015

Yes, I understand that. Nobody likes to either be strung along OR used for anything. Everyone wants to be liked for who they are.

Both genders get strung along and I understand that a man would feel the chances to be used and/or strung along would be smaller if a woman had sex with him than if she did not.

I was strung along too by one guy who did not want to have sex with me (or even kiss, after 3 months!) and I did break up with him because, among other issues, he wasn't physical at all so I figured he doesn't like me but needs feminine attention and an ego stroke. So I totally get that point of view!

But it wasn't just the lack of physical contact that gave it away, it was everything combined: he didn't plan dates in advance, he asked me to ask him out, he was calling last minute, he was shooting me down when I was asking him out, he wasn't opening up/revealing things about himself, he said he only wants a relationship where he meets the woman once a week, he said he doesn't want to get married. So I get it that lack of physical contact MAY mean they are not into you, but generally it's not just that, it's other standoffish behavior on top of that. If they are otherwise open and advancing the relationship, it is clear that you'll get to sex when you get to sex.

Here, what I'm fighting against is this outrage of "what? 7 dates and you are NOT ready for sex? WTF? You probably just want to get fed and/or playing games":confused: Some women (and a few men) are just moving slower. That shouldn't be so hard to understand.

Bravo for this post BluEyeL!!

In my situation, my guy and I have loads of fun on dates, really care about each other, have so much in common, find each other really attractive, are both ready for a relationship. I'm not keeping him guessing about whether I am into him or not, I've shown him and also literally told him. You don't have to be naked and on your back to let a man know you really like him and desire him.

Some posters have mentioned that my guy has invested time in me and "deserves" sex. Surely I have invested time in him also? I am a grown woman with a demanding career and lots of commitments. Yet I choose to spend a lot of time with him, because I want to. I don't "expect" anything from him other than his company.

October 28, 2015

YOU deserve sex too, no?

Nothing wrong with spending time together, but what you describe is a friendship, not romance.

I went on dates with one guy 6 times and I REALLY enjoyed his company... But dreaded sex (we even never kissed, nothing physical ever)... because I was not attracted to him besides his great qualities (that could make him a friend)

Do you think you like him physically enough? Is he morphing into friend or a lover? Or it is just you, i.e. you'd act the same way with another person... Just something to think about.

P.S. Sex is not a price/giving. It is mutually desirable act/sharing. I think equal for men and women.

Bravo for this post BluEyeL!!

In my situation, my guy and I have loads of fun on dates, really care about each other, have so much in common, find each other really attractive, are both ready for a relationship. I'm not keeping him guessing about whether I am into him or not, I've shown him and also literally told him. You don't have to be naked and on your back to let a man know you really like him and desire him.

Some posters have mentioned that my guy has invested time in me and "deserves" sex. Surely I have invested time in him also? I am a grown woman with a demanding career and lots of commitments. Yet I choose to spend a lot of time with him, because I want to. I don't "expect" anything from him other than his company.

October 28, 2015

YOU deserve sex too, no?

Nothing wrong with spending time together, but what you describe is a friendship, not romance.

I went on dates with one guy 6 times and I REALLY enjoyed his company... But dreaded sex (we even never kissed, nothing physical ever)... because I was not attracted to him besides his great qualities (that could make him a friend)

Do you think you like him physically enough? Is he morphing into friend or a lover? Or it is just you, i.e. you'd act the same way with another person... Just something to think about.

P.S. Sex is not a price/giving. It is mutually desirable act/sharing. I think equal for men and women.

I wouldn't use the word 'deserve'. I want a fulfilling sex life for myself, yes. And I look forward to having just that with my current bf.....

October 28, 2015

Here, what I'm fighting against is this outrage of "what? 7 dates and you are NOT ready for sex? WTF? You probably just want to get fed and/or playing games":confused: Some women (and a few men) are just moving slower. That shouldn't be so hard to understand.

But I never said that and maybe it was misunderstood. I've waited plenty of times for sex and sometimes I haven't I think both are okay. From the beginning I said I get the waiting you do what feels comfortable. I'm saying it isn't out of the question that he would want it and expect it (they are dating!) and setting your boundaries and communicating that with him makes the most sense. The asking ppl on a forum if it is implied to me is drama - if you are mature enough to have principles and stand by them the implications of your actions should not matter.

My point wasn't about sex makes guys feel strung along it is that it isn't out of the question for a guy to maybe think he's being strung along if they have not been intimate after a certain time, I was saying let's look at all sides. That's why you let him know that isn't off the table but right now I'm not ready. If the relationship is moving towards healthy, then I would just bring it up if it came up, I wouldn't worry about my message. I would have when I was younger but in my 30s I wouldn't care what message I sent him by going over. I might feel like it's better not to just in case things escalate and I'm not ready but what message I'm sending him who cares.

October 28, 2015

YOU deserve sex too, no?

Nothing wrong with spending time together, but what you describe is a friendship, not romance.

I went on dates with one guy 6 times and I REALLY enjoyed his company... But dreaded sex (we even never kissed, nothing physical ever)... because I was not attracted to him besides his great qualities (that could make him a friend)

Do you think you like him physically enough? Is he morphing into friend or a lover? Or it is just you, i.e. you'd act the same way with another person... Just something to think about.

P.S. Sex is not a price/giving. It is mutually desirable act/sharing. I think equal for men and women.

BluEye and a few others have pointed out that some of us are a little more meticulous about who and what we allow into our bodies. While the norm right now is for women to have sex very quickly, within 3 dates, with men they barely know -- that does not mean that those of us who are more discerning aren't extremely physically attracted to our partners. We just set higher standards for ourselves. Believe it or not you can be extremely attracted to a man and yet still refrain from jumping into bed with him within 2 weeks of meeting him. Hope that clarifies.

October 28, 2015

But I never said that and maybe it was misunderstood. I've waited plenty of times for sex and sometimes I haven't I think both are okay. From the beginning I said I get the waiting you do what feels comfortable. I'm saying it isn't out of the question that he would want it and expect it (they are dating!) and setting your boundaries and communicating that with him makes the most sense. The asking ppl on a forum if it is implied to me is drama - if you are mature enough to have principles and stand by them the implications of your actions should not matter.

My point wasn't about sex makes guys feel strung along it is that it isn't out of the question for a guy to maybe think he's being strung along if they have not been intimate after a certain time, I was saying let's look at all sides. That's why you let him know that isn't off the table but right now I'm not ready. If the relationship is moving towards healthy, then I would just bring it up if it came up, I wouldn't worry about my message. I would have when I was younger but in my 30s I wouldn't care what message I sent him by going over. I might feel like it's better not to just in case things escalate and I'm not ready but what message I'm sending him who cares.

No it is not 'drama', it is a straightforward question. 'Is this action typically read to mean X?' The rather strange responses on this thread show that the idea of a woman having high standards and refraining from casual sex really hits a nerve with certain people.

October 28, 2015

No it is not 'drama', it is a straightforward question. 'Is this action typically read to mean X?' The rather strange responses on this thread show that the idea of a woman having high standards and refraining from casual sex really hits a nerve with certain people.

Agreed. I am surprised by the reaction. But maybe people in here are horndogs

October 28, 2015

... You don't have to be naked and on your back to let a man know you really like him and desire him...

You give the impression that you think of sex as some favor that you might or might not choose to bestow upon your BF, rather than as a fun thing that you might both enjoy. In a world full of people who genuinely enjoy having sex, that certainly makes you a rare and special treat.

October 28, 2015

The more I think about this, the more I am starting to think that he himself does not want to move fast as far as physical intimacy is concerned. It's not like I've told him I prefer to go slow, he's just going slow anyway.

No, we've not yet talked about it. Unless he is psychic he can't really know that I like to take things slow. It looks like maybe he likes to take things slow as well, otherwise he would have made a move before now.

You are making assumptions. Granted they are in part based on past behavior to date but they are assumptions nonetheless. And they could be dangerous assumptions.

Because you have never discussed your desire to "go slow" I caution you for the 3rd time against your plan to make out with him a little bit at his house during the lunch date. If you had talked in advance, maybe. But the time to have the conversation about your time table & expectations is not when you are stretched out on his couch, with him on top of you, his hand up your shirt & being all flushed from a steamy make out session.

I was almost date raped once in college. I voluntarily walked into a guy's room & was OK with a steamy make out session. Once he was on top of me, despite the previous indications that he was a nice guy, he no longer was interested in taking no for an answer. Due to some quick thinking on my part I was able to get away but I learned my lesson & changed my philosophy. Unless I'm willing to have sex, I don't get horizontal with anybody, especially somewhere like his house where I'm not in total control.

Please think through how you are planning to behave at this man's house before you act. Seriously, if you don't want sex, talk to him before you get there. Sit in a chair & skip the make out session. Eat lunch & leave.

October 28, 2015

No it is not 'drama', it is a straightforward question. 'Is this action typically read to mean X?' The rather strange responses on this thread show that the idea of a woman having high standards and refraining from casual sex really hits a nerve with certain people.

I think you missed the mark on what ppl were trying to say. They wanted you to see things from his point of view and they were trying to evaluate the situation more which is what ppl do on these forums. I think all ppl can agree that waiting to have sex is OK.

I think we are going to agree to disagree on what is considered drama though. Just communicating to him - like you said you would - is smart. That is the route of less drama.

Your question was deceptively straightforward - you asked ppl answered and then you went on a rant about your boundaries and standards. Which if you had already had those and stood by them you wouldn't have needed to know what going over to his house implied. And you might not agree but as a woman I have done this. I start seeing someone and things are going well and something happens and I create an issue. It doesn't have to be big but it is a little dilemma that arises that I need to investigate. Your question had an easy answer - talk to him or don't go and I think you already knew what you wanted to do and the answer before you even asked it on the forum. But sometimes the excitement of the issue and overthinking and overanalyzing comes into play and you end up mulling things over when you don't really need to. Sometimes women create drama to have things to discuss with others and their girlfriends when they should really just sit back and enjoy the person they are with.

I may be reading too much into this but that's what I think.

October 28, 2015

You give the impression that you think of sex as some favor that you might or might not choose to bestow upon your BF, rather than as a fun thing that you might both enjoy. In a world full of people who genuinely enjoy having sex, that certainly makes you a rare and special treat.

I view sex as a sensual, physically and emotionally intense act that is fun, pleasurable and bonding. Hope that helps.

October 28, 2015

Agreed. I am surprised by the reaction. But maybe people in here are horndogs

Some of the reactions are so full of over the top outrage that it's starting to look like certain people questioned some of their own sexual choices and became angry.

October 28, 2015

You are making assumptions. Granted they are in part based on past behavior to date but they are assumptions nonetheless. And they could be dangerous assumptions.

Because you have never discussed your desire to "go slow" I caution you for the 3rd time against your plan to make out with him a little bit at his house during the lunch date. If you had talked in advance, maybe. But the time to have the conversation about your time table & expectations is not when you are stretched out on his couch, with him on top of you, his hand up your shirt & being all flushed from a steamy make out session.

I was almost date raped once in college. I voluntarily walked into a guy's room & was OK with a steamy make out session. Once he was on top of me, despite the previous indications that he was a nice guy, he no longer was interested in taking no for an answer. Due to some quick thinking on my part I was able to get away but I learned my lesson & changed my philosophy. Unless I'm willing to have sex, I don't get horizontal with anybody, especially somewhere like his house where I'm not in total control.

Please think through how you are planning to behave at this man's house before you act. Seriously, if you don't want sex, talk to him before you get there. Sit in a chair & skip the make out session. Eat lunch & leave.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I understand why you would exercise caution now.

October 28, 2015

I think you missed the mark on what ppl were trying to say. They wanted you to see things from his point of view and they were trying to evaluate the situation more which is what ppl do on these forums. I think all ppl can agree that waiting to have sex is OK.

I think we are going to agree to disagree on what is considered drama though. Just communicating to him - like you said you would - is smart. That is the route of less drama.

Your question was deceptively straightforward - you asked ppl answered and then you went on a rant about your boundaries and standards. Which if you had already had those and stood by them you wouldn't have needed to know what going over to his house implied. And you might not agree but as a woman I have done this. I start seeing someone and things are going well and something happens and I create an issue. It doesn't have to be big but it is a little dilemma that arises that I need to investigate. Your question had an easy answer - talk to him or don't go and I think you already knew what you wanted to do and the answer before you even asked it on the forum. But sometimes the excitement of the issue and overthinking and overanalyzing comes into play and you end up mulling things over when you don't really need to. Sometimes women create drama to have things to discuss with others and their girlfriends when they should really just sit back and enjoy the person they are with.

I may be reading too much into this but that's what I think.

You are completely missing the point and have failed to understand my original question or anything else I've posted in this particular thread. But thanks for taking the time to reply anyway.

October 28, 2015

We've been dating for 5 weeks. I like him very much and would like to have sex with him eventually. However, I don't consider knowing somebody 5 weeks enough time to feel ready to have sex with them. I only have sex if I'm in love and in a serious relationship. Going out to dinner or coffee with a man 6 times does not necessarily equal a serious relationship, exclusivity etc

From my point of view I think you are very clear about what you want and need. If he initiates sex just share with him your viewpoint about sex and then let him decide if he still wants to date you. If not then at least you know you are not compatible in terms of your values.

October 28, 2015

From my point of view I think you are very clear about what you want and need. If he initiates sex just share with him your viewpoint about sex and then let him decide if he still wants to date you. If not then at least you know you are not compatible in terms of your values.

Thanks very much for your post. This totally makes sense

October 28, 2015

You are completely missing the point and have failed to understand my original question or anything else I've posted in this particular thread. But thanks for taking the time to reply anyway.

Check post #28. I understood your question and answered multiple times.

I think we just disagree on what constitutes drama, which is fine.

October 28, 2015

Well, some of us have ben very meticulous but still haven't waited long time AFTER agreeing to date a guy.

I've had sex with 3 people (including my current partner), kissed 4 total, first kiss & sex - late 20s. So I hardly pass as not "meticulous about who and what I allow into my body". What the norm is "now" also is a little of my concern.

But I do not like playing games. If I am into the person enough to consider relationship, I'm into him enough to be intimate. Result: BF1 (first kiss, touch, sex) - sex on date 3, 1.5 years together, BF2 -sex on date 4 (or 5?) - 6-7 months together (admitting disfunctional), BF3 - sex on date 4 - 7-8 months together so far, moving in next week...Hopefully will last:) This is just to say that having sex quicker doesn't correlate with quality/duration of the relationship or "standards" or "norms". It is more about trusting yourself and the other person and following you OWN desires.

P.S. Guys that I didn't have interest in intimacy with I DID not date past date 2-3 (except the aforementioned man that I slipped to date 6 with all the resulting complications...)

BluEye and a few others have pointed out that some of us are a little more meticulous about who and what we allow into our bodies. While the norm right now is for women to have sex very quickly, within 3 dates, with men they barely know -- that does not mean that those of us who are more discerning aren't extremely physically attracted to our partners. We just set higher standards for ourselves. Believe it or not you can be extremely attracted to a man and yet still refrain from jumping into bed with him within 2 weeks of meeting him. Hope that clarifies.

October 28, 2015

I'm also genuinely curious about the negativeness around sex: "jumping into bed" seems distasteful, but "jumping into the movie theater", "jumping into the restaurant", "rushing into the park for a walk" etc with the same person is considered ok... All ok, except the natural, biological reason why people date

October 28, 2015

Well, some of us have ben very meticulous but still haven't waited long time AFTER agreeing to date a guy.

I've had sex with 3 people (including my current partner), kissed 4 total, first kiss & sex - late 20s. So I hardly pass as not "meticulous about who and what I allow into my body". What the norm is "now" also is a little of my concern.

But I do not like playing games. If I am into the person enough to consider relationship, I'm into him enough to be intimate. Result: BF1 (first kiss, touch, sex) - sex on date 3, 1.5 years together, BF2 -sex on date 4 (or 5?) - 6-7 months together (admitting disfunctional), BF3 - sex on date 4 - 7-8 months together so far, moving in next week...Hopefully will last:) This is just to say that having sex quicker doesn't correlate with quality/duration of the relationship or "standards" or "norms". It is more about trusting yourself and the other person and following you OWN desires.

P.S. Guys that I didn't have interest in intimacy with I DID not date past date 2-3 (except the aforementioned man that I slipped to date 6 with all the resulting complications...)

Honestly, if somebody has sex with somebody they've only known a few days they are not being meticulous.

October 28, 2015

I'm also genuinely curious about the negativeness around sex: "jumping into bed" seems distasteful, but "jumping into the movie theater", "jumping into the restaurant", "rushing into the park for a walk" etc with the same person is considered ok... All ok, except the natural, biological reason why people date

Thanks for the attempt at armchair analysis but no I do not have any hangups about sex. I enjoy it very much. With a person I love and desire.

October 28, 2015

This relationship sounds very sloooow, and I don't just mean physically.

7 dates in 5 weeks, just coffee and dinner dates, sounds like you aren't really sure if you like the guy yet... that's a long enough time you should know.

But no, I don't think going over to the other person's place, especially at lunch time should imply sex.

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