7th date sex

[losangelena]

I was gonna say exactly this, but you said it. What kind of woman would bother with a guy for weeks and months to get food??? Really?

 

I'm having a hard time believing that, but who knows, maybe he picked her from the street or something, unemployed, dating men she doesn't like just to get fed... (???)

 

Sorry, that's my brother you're talking about. Why would he make up that story?

[RoseWater]

I was gonna say exactly this, but you said it. What kind of woman would bother with a guy for weeks and months to get food??? Really?

 

I'm having a hard time believing that, but who knows, maybe he picked her from the street or something, unemployed, dating men she doesn't like just to get fed... (???)

 

Exactly. I see this as for the most part a somewhat misogynistic myth. Beyond people who are so poor they could not otherwise afford to eat, or young girls who never got the chance to go to a fancy restaurant before, who does that? It's just not realistic.

[RoseWater]

Me and my ex finished our second date early so we could go home and bang all night. Yip, she was that into me that she couldn't afford to wait/mitigate/build it up. Do you feel like this about this man?

 

Did I feel the need to end my 2nd date early with a man I'd only known a total of 2 or 3 hours to go home and have sex with him all night? No, I did not. I've got higher standards than that.

[losangelena]

Also, I never said you were dating this guy to get food or dinner, etc. I never said that. I was simply piggybacking off of what sal said, and using my brother's story as an EXAMPLE to say that just as women want to know that they men they're dating are genuine, men want to know the same.

 

That was not meant to suggest that that's what you're doing. I couldn't care less how long you wait to have sex with your guy. If you're both happy, then great.

 

There's no need to sound quite so defensive. Maybe you're not and I'm misreading, but really, I try and be a helpful presence here—I'm on your side.

[RoseWater]

Respectfully, RW, if that's what you took away from my post, I think you may have missed the point.

 

So, what is your point? Is there one?

[SwordofFlame]

I've gone 5 dates with a med student. Paid for all the dates. All I got were kisses at the end of each. Never offered to pay.

 

Went on 7 or 8 dates with a girl who just quit her job because she hated it and was actively searching for a new one. All I got were kisses and a few make out sessions at the end of each. I paid for just about all of the dates. Once or twice she would pay for a round of drinks if we went to get them afterwards but otherwise never offered.

 

Never had sex with either, first girl ghosted me, second one just broke it off with me when I asked her if she wanted to spend a quiet night at my apartment since we always went out...

 

I will never wait longer than 3 dates now, unless we are splitting the costs of the dates reasonably. I'll wait somewhat longer if they're not using me like an ATM.

[losangelena]

So, what is your point? Is there one?

 

Please refer to post #129

[RoseWater]

Also, I never said you were dating this guy to get food or dinner, etc. I never said that. I was simply piggybacking off of what sal said, and using my brother's story as an EXAMPLE to say that just as women want to know that they men they're dating are genuine, men want to know the same.

 

That was not meant to suggest that that's what you're doing. I couldn't care less how long you wait to have sex with your guy. If you're both happy, then great.

 

There's no need to sound quite so defensive. Maybe you're not and I'm misreading, but really, I try and be a helpful presence here—I'm on your side.

 

OK, so what I am getting here -- not necessarily from you but from many of the male posters -- is this creepy idea that a woman who waits a little while (and we're talking more like 2 to 3 months really, not a matter of 6 months or a year) to have sex must either a) not really be into the guy b) have a problem with sex in general c) be playing games d) using him for free meals. That is genuinely scary that people think it's so off the wall not to have sex within a month that the woman must have some kind of serious issues. In real life at least half of my female circle of friends and family tend to wait a few months before consummating a relationship with a new man. It's not rare at all. Other female friends in my circle will dive right in and have sex on the first date. Newsflash: it's not only the ones who are DTF a man on the first date who enjoy sex and have a healthy sexuality. In fact sometimes those who do it so quickly are the ones who have issues.

[RoseWater]

I've gone 5 dates with a med student. Paid for all the dates. All I got were kisses at the end of each. Never offered to pay.

 

Went on 7 or 8 dates with a girl who just quit her job because she hated it and was actively searching for a new one. All I got were kisses and a few make out sessions at the end of each. I paid for just about all of the dates. Once or twice she would pay for a round of drinks if we went to get them afterwards but otherwise never offered.

 

Never had sex with either, first girl ghosted me, second one just broke it off with me when I asked her if she wanted to spend a quiet night at my apartment since we always went out...

 

I will never wait longer than 3 dates now, unless we are splitting the costs of the dates reasonably. I'll wait somewhat longer if they're not using me like an ATM.

 

What is this "all I got" thing? If you want sex in return for spending cash why not call an escort agency?

[kpl]

OK, so what I am getting here -- not necessarily from you but from many of the male posters -- is this creepy idea that a woman who waits a little while (and we're talking more like 2 to 3 months really, not a matter of 6 months or a year) to have sex must either a) not really be into the guy b) have a problem with sex in general c) be playing games d) using him for free meals. That is genuinely scary that people think it's so off the wall not to have sex within a month that the woman must have some kind of serious issues. In real life at least half of my female circle of friends and family tend to wait a few months before consummating a relationship with a new man. It's not rare at all. Other female friends in my circle will dive right in and have sex on the first date. Newsflash: it's not only the ones who are DTF a man on the first date who enjoy sex and have a healthy sexuality. In fact sometimes those who do it so quickly are the ones who have issues.

 

I don't get the attitude. You were so interested in wanting to hear what impression you gave to your date by going to his house, why not be interested in hearing what impression you give by waiting an arbitrary amount of time to have sex?

[SwordofFlame]

What is this "all I got" thing? If you want sex in return for spending cash why not call an escort agency?

Because I don't just want sex. I want a relationship too. I figure that if you're completely comfortable letting me pay, than you're into me. Man was I wrong. What am I supposed to do? Ask them to split the check?

[losangelena]

OK, so what I am getting here -- not necessarily from you but from many of the male posters -- is this creepy idea that a woman who waits a little while (and we're talking more like 2 to 3 months really, not a matter of 6 months or a year) to have sex must either a) not really be into the guy b) have a problem with sex in general c) be playing games d) using him for free meals. That is genuinely scary that people think it's so off the wall not to have sex within a month that the woman must have some kind of serious issues. In real life at least half of my female circle of friends and family tend to wait a few months before consummating a relationship with a new man. It's not rare at all. Other female friends in my circle will dive right in and have sex on the first date. Newsflash: it's not only the ones who are DTF a man on the first date who enjoy sex and have a healthy sexuality. In fact sometimes those who do it so quickly are the ones who have issues.

 

But I never said anything to counter that. I've said TWICE now that I couldn't care less how long you wait or don't wait to have sex. The first part of my original post was merely piggybacking off what Sal wrote about the male perspective—not that there must be something wrong with a woman who doesn't want to have sex right away, but that to a man, sex is a much stronger relationship "glue" than it is to a woman. I think that's what you're reading in a lot of these male-written posts—it's very hard to a guy to see the value in waiting, but again that doesn't mean it's BAD. Please don't be so focused on that one aspect that you read everything everyone is saying through that lens—that's not what's happening.

 

If you and your guy are both wanting to wait and are OK with that, then godspeed, wonderful, mavel tov, etc.

 

And to address your original question, about whether or not you should go to his house if you're not ready to have sex—do whatever you feel comfortable with. I believe, that after six dates, he will want to escalate, but if you say no, then hopefully he'll be OK with that. Suggesting you treat him to lunch elsewhere was merely a suggestion.

 

Please, you don't need to approach with such defensiveness.

[RoseWater]

I don't get the attitude. You were so interested in wanting to hear what impression you gave to your date by going to his house, why not be interested in hearing what impression you give by waiting an arbitrary amount of time to have sex?

 

 

Scroll back. My question is 'if I go to his house does this imply I am ready to have sex?'

 

That is all.

 

I did not ask for this bizarre commentary on whether women are using men as ATMs or suggestions that a woman who hasn't banged a guy within 90 minutes of meeting him isn't into him.

[BluEyeL]

I don't get the attitude. You were so interested in wanting to hear what impression you gave to your date by going to his house, why not be interested in hearing what impression you give by waiting an arbitrary amount of time to have sex?

 

It's not arbitrary.

[RoseWater]

But I never said anything to counter that. I've said TWICE now that I couldn't care less how long you wait or don't wait to have sex. The first part of my original post was merely piggybacking off what Sal wrote about the male perspective—not that there must be something wrong with a woman who doesn't want to have sex right away, but that to a man, sex is a much stronger relationship "glue" than it is to a woman. I think that's what you're reading in a lot of these male-written posts—it's very hard to a guy to see the value in waiting, but again that doesn't mean it's BAD. Please don't be so focused on that one aspect that you read everything everyone is saying through that lens—that's not what's happening.

 

If you and your guy are both wanting to wait and are OK with that, then godspeed, wonderful, mavel tov, etc.

 

And to address your original question, about whether or not you should go to his house if you're not ready to have sex—do whatever you feel comfortable with. I believe, that after six dates, he will want to escalate, but if you say no, then hopefully he'll be OK with that. Suggesting you treat him to lunch elsewhere was merely a suggestion.

 

Please, you don't need to approach with such defensiveness.

 

OK, this is interesting and worthy of discussion.

[losangelena]

OK, this is interesting and worthy of discussion.

 

One we'll have to table, I'm afraid. Time to go work out.

[RoseWater]

Because I don't just want sex. I want a relationship too. I figure that if you're completely comfortable letting me pay, than you're into me. Man was I wrong. What am I supposed to do? Ask them to split the check?

 

Picking up the tab for dinner does not mean sex will (ever) occur necessarily. Ditto spending time talking to, listening to, drinking coffee with women you are attracted to. Sex is not transactional like that, except when it's more of a business arrangement like going to an escort or getting a sugar baby. You should only take a woman out and wine and dine her when you have no expectations beyond hopefully having a pleasant evening eating dinner.

[RoseWater]

One we'll have to table, I'm afraid. Time to go work out.

 

Good for you.

[kilgore]

Picking up the tab for dinner does not mean sex will (ever) occur necessarily. Ditto spending time talking to, listening to, drinking coffee with women you are attracted to. Sex is not transactional like that, except when it's more of a business arrangement like going to an escort or getting a sugar baby. You should only take a woman out and wine and dine her when you have no expectations beyond hopefully having a pleasant evening eating dinner.

 

Well said. And the only way to establish a connection is when you spend time with the person for its own sake

[kpl]

Scroll back. My question is 'if I go to his house does this imply I am ready to have sex?'

 

That is all.

 

I did not ask for this bizarre commentary on whether women are using men as ATMs or suggestions that a woman who hasn't banged a guy within 90 minutes of meeting him isn't into him.

 

I think you have this all figured out.

[SwordofFlame]

Picking up the tab for dinner does not mean sex will (ever) occur necessarily. Ditto spending time talking to, listening to, drinking coffee with women you are attracted to. Sex is not transactional like that, except when it's more of a business arrangement like going to an escort or getting a sugar baby. You should only take a woman out and wine and dine her when you have no expectations beyond hopefully having a pleasant evening eating dinner.

And there's just no chance that the woman is just using the guy...

I'm sure there's no woman alive that would ever use a man....

Right? How cynical am I?

[BluEyeL]

Picking up the tab for dinner does not mean sex will (ever) occur necessarily. Ditto spending time talking to, listening to, drinking coffee with women you are attracted to. Sex is not transactional like that, except when it's more of a business arrangement like going to an escort or getting a sugar baby. You should only take a woman out and wine and dine her when you have no expectations beyond hopefully having a pleasant evening eating dinner.

Right. The attitude here is: I spent X amount of time and attention on you and I didn't "get" anything in exchange. Plus, I bought you Y slices of pizza and I didn't "get" anything in exchange.

 

You got my time and attention in exchange and if you really want a relationship, that's what you should be after, and if all is good, sex and a relationship will follow. And a man shouldn't pay beyond the third date either. Should take turns. So yeah, you don't "get" sex in "exchange" for time, attention and pizza, what you you get in exchange is time attention and pizza.

[kilgore]

And there's just no chance that the woman is just using the guy...

I'm sure there's no woman alive that would ever use a man....

Right? How cynical am I?

 

I think you are deliberately missing the point

[SwordofFlame]

I think you are deliberately missing the point

I get the point. A woman isn't obligated to sleep with me just because I paid the tab. I'm saying if the woman never offers to pay past the third date might just be using the guy. That's all.

[kilgore]

I get the point. A woman isn't obligated to sleep with me just because I paid the tab. I'm saying if the woman never offers to pay past the third date might just be using the guy. That's all.

 

If you feel that way don't go out with that woman. Simple