7th date sex

October 27, 2015

If I invited a girl to my house, and she said yes, I'd assume sex or some kind of sexual contact will occur. You need to talk to him about how you feel. If sitting on the couch, cuddling, kissing is all you are ready for be honest. Men can't read minds and the last thing you want is to invite yourself into an awkward situation that could be avoided by saying what is on your mind.

October 27, 2015

Hah, just that this is a sentiment expressed by every woman and I just got out of a five year relationship with a woman who, in the last two years, made the sex all about her. Always the same position, using a toy, until she came. Then I'd maybe get one other option and that was it. Anything else I asked for, nope, not going to do it. No lingerie (even though I bought a few things and took her shopping), no doggie style, hardly any foreplay. She also used to say she trained me (which was bogus, she restricted me and girls before her told me they would recommend me to their friends).

So maybe I'm angry and bitter, but it's a selfish view that devalues men to being dogs and servants in a relationship.

I think loverefreshed is coming across as harboring some resentment, but he has a makes valid points as well. This in no way diminishes OPs right to make decisions consistent with her values and conduct her life on her own terms...

But men have exactly the same rights in this regard, and it's too often set up as a contest with antagonistic posturing. And women don't hesitate to chime in with the "you go girl" cheers in support da sisters as we see in this thread.

Nobody seems to be giving much consideration to the feelings of the gentleman who has been quite patient in taking her out, likely footing the entire bill, and only having polite conversation across a table in a restaurant or public setting. Maybe he's just grown weary of the restaurants, coffee shops, and the emotional distance and desires some physical affection... they are dating after all. I think she should accept his lunch invitation without any defensive posturing. It doesn't obligate her to anything more.

Now if I were the dude, er, gentleman in question I'd probably be starting to wonder if she has any interest in sex at all. Like loverefreshed, I was in a marriage that was constrained because she was eternally self conscious, and toward the end (last five years) there was virtually no sex... and when there was it had to be on her terms. I finally said phukk it and started turning down her once-a-month overtures. I decided when I started dating again that I would not settle for minimal sex or constrained sex because it's important to ME! And what I want/need matters too damnit.

Two years ago I started dating a woman (semi-long-distance) and she needed to wait awhile before getting naked, so I was patient. When we finally got around to it, she was constrained- no oral, giving or receiving, missionary with lights out and minimal participation on her side. She couldn't orgasm except with her vibe and that was not going to be a part of our repertoire. Months were spent wining and dining to get to the point of figuring this out. Lesson learned.

After that, my profile included (explanation to one of the questions): "Not interested in demure, reticent types who want to start a guy out in the friend zone and have him try to wine and dine his way out. We're all grown up, so if we're going to date let's be realistic about what that entails."

Luckily I seem to have met my match, finally, and part of what made that possible is learning to not waste time on those who exhibited little or no sexual interest after several dates. Yes, men and women often have asymmetric priorities, but that doesn't make one a higher being than the other... let the guy make you a sandwich and be grateful that he's got the patience of Job.

October 27, 2015

I think holding out for so is okay but over a month and a lot of dates is just crazy slow for me. I would think our labido wasn't a match and move on. Sex catalyzes emotions imo. For me.. sex leads to love not the other way around

This is because you are thinking like a man; not a woman. There are a few sources (i.e., Dr. Pat Allen, Evan Marc Katz) who say things like men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

I know in my case I need to feel I'm in a serious relationship and take things slow at the beginning so I know what type of guy I might sleep with and feel comfortable with him. There are risks to sex such as pregnancy and STDs and I take that seriously. Once in a relationship I am happy to go nuts to the point I have freaked out every exBF. In the meantime there are other things I can do to help my libido.

I'm not trying to pick on you. I just wanted to point out that not everyone who waits is a prude who doesn't like sex.

We've been dating for 5 weeks. I like him very much and would like to have sex with him eventually. However, I don't consider knowing somebody 5 weeks enough time to feel ready to have sex with them. I only have sex if I'm in love and in a serious relationship. Going out to dinner or coffee with a man 6 times does not necessarily equal a serious relationship, exclusivity etc

I'm the same way. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are sure. You need to find those whose values match your own. I personally don't find anything wrong with wanting sex early. I figure they are adults and can decide for themselves. It's just for me I don't feel comfortable with it. Just wanted to let you know there are some others out there.

If a guy invites me over I assume he is at least going to try to heat things up and wants to likely make a move towards sex unless he's brought up waiting. I've met a few men who have brought up wanting to wait. If you don't want to have sex I would either suggest something in public or bring up what your requirements are so he knows sex is off the table but that you haven't friendzoned him.

Edited October 27, 2015 by Miss Peach

October 27, 2015

On the contrary. I am very ready to go his apartment, see how and where he lives and probably make out with him in private. I am just not ready to have sex with him yet.

As I cautioned you in my original post, for your 1st visit to his house if you are not willing to have sex, don't start something you are not prepared to finish.

October 27, 2015

If I agree to go to his house (during the day) for lunch for the 7th date, does this mean I am implying we will have sex? So far we have only kissed and we’ve never been alone together (only in public spaces like restaurants, cafes etc). I am not ready to have sex yet. Is it still OK to go to his house?

On the contrary. I am very ready to go his apartment, see how and where he lives and probably make out with him in private. I am just not ready to have sex with him yet.

Well you asked and answered your own question. Good for you for going. No one expects sex just because they invite someone over for an hour lunch. You're safe.

October 27, 2015

I agree with salparadise on this. My older brother, bless his heart, once dated a woman (dinners, concert tickets, etc) and patiently waited for four months before she was like, "I have no interest in having sex with you." Yet she happily got four months of free stuff out of the deal.

Now, I am NOT saying that sex should be some sort of reward that a woman give to a man for all the stuff he buys her (not saying that at all). I'm also not saying RoseWater that you need to have sex before you're ready to have sex. But I agree with Sal (and maybe what a lot of the other guys on here are implying) that, while a woman needs to suss out in the beginning if the man is just in it for sex, I think oftentimes men are trying to discern if the woman is in it for more than just wining and dining.

That's a bit off-topic regarding your post. I would say you're not beholden to have sex with him even if you accept his lunch invitation. I do think it's interesting that you titled your thread "7th date sex," since you seem to have no intention of actually having sex on date seven.

I don't know what y'all have done on your other six dates, but maybe a nice alternative, if you just wanted to stay out of his place, would be to take him out somewhere and treat him. That way he knows you're invested/ing, and you don't have to worry about getting sexual before you want to.

October 27, 2015

I agree with salparadise on this. My older brother, bless his heart, once dated a woman (dinners, concert tickets, etc) and patiently waited for four months before she was like, "I have no interest in having sex with you." Yet she happily got four months of free stuff out of the deal.

Now, I am NOT saying that sex should be some sort of reward that a woman give to a man for all the stuff he buys her (not saying that at all). I'm also not saying RoseWater that you need to have sex before you're ready to have sex. But I agree with Sal (and maybe what a lot of the other guys on here are implying) that, while a woman needs to suss out in the beginning if the man is just in it for sex, I think oftentimes men are trying to discern if the woman is in it for more than just wining and dining.

That's a bit off-topic regarding your post. I would say you're not beholden to have sex with him even if you accept his lunch invitation. I do think it's interesting that you titled your thread "7th date sex," since you seem to have no intention of actually having sex on date seven.

I don't know what y'all have done on your other six dates, but maybe a nice alternative, if you just wanted to stay out of his place, would be to take him out somewhere and treat him. That way he knows you're invested/ing, and you don't have to worry about getting sexual before you want to.

I think this is a fair point. My BF asked me point blank and said he had been taken advantage of before. The different is my BF won't let me treat him but I would be willing to by this point.

I know for me I won't date a guy past 1-2 dates if I can't picture sleeping with him. The moment that is off the table I break it off. I know not all women are straight shooters like me.

OP - There is nothing wrong with saying you don't feel comfortable going past second base (or whatever your boundary is). Just make sure to let him know sex is on the table if you decide to begin a relationship.

October 27, 2015

I only have sex if I'm in love and in a serious relationship.

I definitely agree that waiting until a guy is serious about you before sex will lead to a more fulfilling relationship. But waiting to have sex until you're "in love" seems really old fashioned and romantically naive IMO. Guys are wired differently. We tend to feel closeness to our women from sex and this opens us up emotionally. So when you purposely delay sex indefinitely, you're actually keeping a guy you want to get closer to at a distance.

Remember, when you asked why I felt bad for him? By your own admission, this guy has been wonderful and a gentleman. He's proving w/his actions that he's not just looking for sex. So this is a good guy that you should take a leap of faith on and reward w/trust and physical intimacy. But instead, you're keeping your guard up like he's a player looking to get laid.

I don't owe anybody sex.

Of course you don't "owe" anyone sex. It should be about wanting to have sex based on mutual attraction. Since you're content just to kiss him and nothing more after nearly six weeks, it doesn't seem like you feel a strong sense of lust for him. I don't know anything about your dating history. But was there ever a guy you met where the chemistry was so intense that you just wanted him to rip your clothes off? If so, the idea of waiting months would probably seem like torture. So that's why I'm curious if you only feel lukewarm attraction for him.

Nothing scares me about sex. But everything scares me about the more promiscuous types of people who have sex very early on and then judge those of us who don't do things that way.

Once again, if he's trying to escalate to sex after nearly six weeks of taking it slow w/public dates, that's not promiscuous behavior. Promiscuous would be a guy that sleeps w/multiple partners easily and very early on (a few dates). Based on his actions, he's shown that he's the complete opposite of promiscuous.

I know for me I won't date a guy past 1-2 dates if I can't picture sleeping with him. The moment that is off the table I break it off. I know not all women are straight shooters like me.

Exactly. You're not saying you'd have sex after 1-2 dates. Just that a guy in that scenario made you feel lust and think about sex. Since she's at nearly six weeks and the thought of sex never even occurred to her by now, that's why it seems like the attraction is only lukewarm.

Edited October 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365

October 28, 2015

I agree with salparadise on this. My older brother, bless his heart, once dated a woman (dinners, concert tickets, etc) and patiently waited for four months before she was like, "I have no interest in having sex with you." Yet she happily got four months of free stuff out of the deal.

Now, I am NOT saying that sex should be some sort of reward that a woman give to a man for all the stuff he buys her (not saying that at all). I'm also not saying RoseWater that you need to have sex before you're ready to have sex. But I agree with Sal (and maybe what a lot of the other guys on here are implying) that, while a woman needs to suss out in the beginning if the man is just in it for sex, I think oftentimes men are trying to discern if the woman is in it for more than just wining and dining.

That's a bit off-topic regarding your post. I would say you're not beholden to have sex with him even if you accept his lunch invitation. I do think it's interesting that you titled your thread "7th date sex," since you seem to have no intention of actually having sex on date seven.

I don't know what y'all have done on your other six dates, but maybe a nice alternative, if you just wanted to stay out of his place, would be to take him out somewhere and treat him. That way he knows you're invested/ing, and you don't have to worry about getting sexual before you want to.

There may well be some women out there who would go to the bother of kissing and making out with and spending time with a man just to try to get free food and wine, but I am not one of them.

1) I am a grown women with a great income and don't need a man to pay for my food and wine. Actually, I don't even drink alcohol.

2) My man hasn't paid for all our dates

Any woman who would go out on 6 dates with a man just to get "free" food would either probably be broke/homeless or have some kind of fetish for free food.

October 28, 2015

There is a strong possibility that my guy doesn't want or like casual sex or sex very early in a relationship himself. After all, we've reached six dates without him even trying to have sex. We didn't even kiss until the third date.

It's no like I've spoken to him (yet) and told him I prefer to wait, he just hasn't even tried it yet.

October 28, 2015

ok I agree with a part of this...I, personally, am not a fan of discrimination on any physical characteristics, I hate both the woman/man height thing and the men/ skinny women thing. But that's another story.

BUT you do bring up a good point about how some women treat men. I think women get overwhelmed at times from the type of "only want sex" guys and it becomes harder to differentiate between the good ones. There are many guys who will convincingly pursue women and pretend they don't want just sex but then all of a sudden they get it and ghost. so what women are really doing is trying to protect themselves a bit. But I also think if you have core values and stick to those you are less likely worried about being around this type of guy and getting played. All guys do not just want to have sex, they probably want to but other stuff too just like many women.

I think the fact the OP is worried about the impression she will give her suitor is telling b/c while it seems simple saying "i just don't want to give him the wrong impression" she is really saying I don't want to find out he only wants sex from me b/c I'm hoping this might go somewhere. It's unfortunate b/c the good guys have to deal with all the stuff the bad guys have done in the past. And this guy might be thinking I just wanted to spend some time in private with her to get to know her better and not I just want to sleep with her. But past relationships or experiences may have taught OP to be on guard and "not give the wrong impression." Which I personally don't think should be the OP's concern about a lunch date.

Given his behaviour to date it seems extremely unlikely that he "only wants sex from me". This is not a concern for me at all really at this point.

October 28, 2015

I definitely agree that waiting until a guy is serious about you before sex will lead to a more fulfilling relationship. But waiting to have sex until you're "in love" seems really old fashioned and romantically naive IMO. Guys are wired differently. We tend to feel closeness to our women from sex and this opens us up emotionally. So when you purposely delay sex indefinitely, you're actually keeping a guy you want to get closer to at a distance.

Remember, when you asked why I felt bad for him? By your own admission, this guy has been wonderful and a gentleman. He's proving w/his actions that he's not just looking for sex. So this is a good guy that you should take a leap of faith on and reward w/trust and physical intimacy. But instead, you're keeping your guard up like he's a player looking to get laid.

Of course you don't "owe" anyone sex. It should be about wanting to have sex based on mutual attraction. Since you're content just to kiss him and nothing more after nearly six weeks, it doesn't seem like you feel a strong sense of lust for him. I don't know anything about your dating history. But was there ever a guy you met where the chemistry was so intense that you just wanted him to rip your clothes off? If so, the idea of waiting months would probably seem like torture. So that's why I'm curious if you only feel lukewarm attraction for him.

Once again, if he's trying to escalate to sex after nearly six weeks of taking it slow w/public dates, that's not promiscuous behavior. Promiscuous would be a guy that sleeps w/multiple partners easily and very early on (a few dates). Based on his actions, he's shown that he's the complete opposite of promiscuous.

Exactly. You're not saying you'd have sex after 1-2 dates. Just that a guy in that scenario made you feel lust and think about sex. Since she's at nearly six weeks and the thought of sex never even occurred to her by now, that's why it seems like the attraction is only lukewarm.

I see physical intimacy as something both parties do together when they are ready, not as a "reward" a woman "gives" to a man to thank him for not pushing her into sex and confirm that she is into him. What the .....?

I have to admit I've never felt the need to jump straight into bed with a guy just because I really fancy him. If that is how you operate that is fine, that is your "normal", but it is not everyone's.

October 28, 2015

Any woman who would go out on 6 dates with a man just to get "free" food would either probably be broke/homeless or have some kind of fetish for free food.

Good that that isn't what you are about.

But I personally know two women who will do exactly this, and not even feel any bit bad about it. They reckon they are giving the guy the pleasure of their company, that should be enough.

October 28, 2015

We've been dating for 5 weeks. I like him very much and would like to have sex with him eventually. However, I don't consider knowing somebody 5 weeks enough time to feel ready to have sex with them. I only have sex if I'm in love and in a serious relationship. Going out to dinner or coffee with a man 6 times does not necessarily equal a serious relationship, exclusivity etc

Me and my ex finished our second date early so we could go home and bang all night. Yip, she was that into me that she couldn't afford to wait/mitigate/build it up. Do you feel like this about this man?

October 28, 2015

I definitely agree that waiting until a guy is serious about you before sex will lead to a more fulfilling relationship. But waiting to have sex until you're "in love" seems really old fashioned and romantically naive IMO. Guys are wired differently. We tend to feel closeness to our women from sex and this opens us up emotionally. So when you purposely delay sex indefinitely, you're actually keeping a guy you want to get closer to at a distance.

Yes, I can say that I have never been in love with someone without there being sex first. Not that sex immediately makes me fall in love or anything, but it is one of the things that needs to happen on the way.

October 28, 2015

Good that that isn't what you are about.
But I personally know two women who will do exactly this, and not even feel any bit bad about it. They reckon they are giving the guy the pleasure of their company, that should be enough.

But that doesn't make sense. You would still have to spend time one on one with the guy and probably kiss him and make out. All that just so you don't have to pay for your own dinner? That's pretty desperate.....

October 28, 2015

But that doesn't make sense. You would still have to spend time one on one with the guy and probably kiss him and make out. All that just so you don't have to pay for your own dinner? That's pretty desperate.....

I'm not saying I condone it. But these women do exactly that - one I know she says she rarely even kisses, just a peck on the cheek.

I tried to say I thought it was wrong, but she says she can't do things like eat out and go to the cinema without a 'wallet'.

And she also justifies it by saying 'maybe' she will get to like them after a while, which I think is b.s.

October 28, 2015

Yes, I can say that I have never been in love with someone without there being sex first. Not that sex immediately makes me fall in love or anything, but it is one of the things that needs to happen on the way.

I've totally been in love before sex. I also know many people who fell in love (and even married) before they even had sex.

October 28, 2015

There may well be some women out there who would go to the bother of kissing and making out with and spending time with a man just to try to get free food and wine, but I am not one of them.

1) I am a grown women with a great income and don't need a man to pay for my food and wine. Actually, I don't even drink alcohol.

2) My man hasn't paid for all our dates

Any woman who would go out on 6 dates with a man just to get "free" food would either probably be broke/homeless or have some kind of fetish for free food.

I was gonna say exactly this, but you said it. What kind of woman would bother with a guy for weeks and months to get food??? Really?

I'm having a hard time believing that, but who knows, maybe he picked her from the street or something, unemployed, dating men she doesn't like just to get fed... (???)

October 28, 2015

I'm not saying I condone it. But these women do exactly that - one I know she says she rarely even kisses, just a peck on the cheek.
I tried to say I thought it was wrong, but she says she can't do things like eat out and go to the cinema without a 'wallet'.
And she also justifies it by saying 'maybe' she will get to like them after a while, which I think is b.s.

Why doesn't she have her own disposable income? Poorly paid job? Unemployed? Or perhaps you just need to keep better company my friend.

October 28, 2015

There is a strong possibility that my guy doesn't want or like casual sex or sex very early in a relationship himself. After all, we've reached six dates without him even trying to have sex. We didn't even kiss until the third date.

It's no like I've spoken to him (yet) and told him I prefer to wait, he just hasn't even tried it yet.

There are indeed men who don't like casual sex or to have sex early into the relationship. My man is like that and I dated others who were like that.

October 28, 2015

I'm not saying I condone it. But these women do exactly that - one I know she says she rarely even kisses, just a peck on the cheek.
I tried to say I thought it was wrong, but she says she can't do things like eat out and go to the cinema without a 'wallet'.
And she also justifies it by saying 'maybe' she will get to like them after a while, which I think is b.s.

I know women like this have had friends explicitly say my company is enough and I bet most guys have experienced this as well.

October 28, 2015

Given his behaviour to date it seems extremely unlikely that he "only wants sex from me". This is not a concern for me at all really at this point.

So why care about going to his place. What is the need to "control" the situation and how he views you in it? If things are progressing naturally and you know he isn't one of the guys why care about going to his place. This is all a nonissue to me.

October 28, 2015

Why doesn't she have her own disposable income? Poorly paid job? Unemployed? Or perhaps you just need to keep better company my friend.

Single mum, divorced.

Decent job, but spends too much on her kids.

She still could afford to eat out, go to the movies.

She just prefers having guy's pay for her to go.

She is not a friend, I work with her.

October 28, 2015

There may well be some women out there who would go to the bother of kissing and making out with and spending time with a man just to try to get free food and wine, but I am not one of them.

1) I am a grown women with a great income and don't need a man to pay for my food and wine. Actually, I don't even drink alcohol.

2) My man hasn't paid for all our dates

Any woman who would go out on 6 dates with a man just to get "free" food would either probably be broke/homeless or have some kind of fetish for free food.

Respectfully, RW, if that's what you took away from my post, I think you may have missed the point.

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