jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 There are no guarantees, the school that says to have sex early argues that he could end up being rubbish in bed and you invested too long until you find out. I am willing to take that risk though. Me too!:bunny: Most guys can be trained anyway, so not such a big risk IMO. However, like everyone said, just because a guy invites you into his home, doesn't mean he's expecting or intentionally asking you to have sex with him. He could maybe want to show you: A: He's single and living alone. B: He's clean and hygienic. C: His tastes and preference and style. D: That maybe he can cook a mean lunch and wants to spend time with you in a comfortable, more private setting. There are quite a few tho who maintain that two ppl alone in a private residence most definitely does mean that you're DTF, which is what RoseWater was pretty much asking about in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Well I think most guys would believe that since you've agreed to come over to his apartment, that you may indeed be ready for sex. So just don't be surprised if he tries to escalate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 You kinda can estimate roughly based on how the emotional connection is building up. People are different. I'm like her. Sex means something. Men who feel differently can move along of course. Thank goodness someone actually gets it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 Most guys can be trained anyway, so not such a big risk IMO. There are quite a few tho who maintain that two ppl alone in a private residence most definitely does mean that you're DTF, which is what RoseWater was pretty much asking about in the first place. Yes that is exactly what I was asking about Jen. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Also, just because you have sex within 3 dates of knowing someone (for instance! Not a set number of dates.. but soonish) how does that diminish the importance and connection in sex? I boned a girl the first week I met her. Great sex. 1.5 months later, we're still having great sex, and our emotional connection has grown so much. Part of that is owed to the manifestation of our emotions through physical interaction. Meh, I'm a dude, I guess it's different. Apparently numbers matter for people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Most guys can be trained anyway, so not such a big risk IMO. Women like you are the reason why I want to have sex right away. I'm not being trained to **** you like you want. I want to **** how I want and the girl to like it. Who said it's all about you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 I really like the way BluEye handled it. When she was ready, she totally let him know. And it was 3 months I think she said. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I've no idea why some people are in quite such a rush to have sex. Sure, sex feels good. But it's not like the world is about to end or everybody is about to drop dead. Relax. Exhale. Your genitals will still be in working order in a few more weeks. Great post! ... or months. I'd consider anyone so ruled by their genitals to be poor partner material. Getting off is easy. Building a relationship requires much more than that and is far more difficult. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BLND Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I have to agree with RoseWater here. Just because you had 7 date doesn't mean it's time and you're ready for sex. And just because you go to his house, doesn't mean he Should assume you're DTF. That's like saying just because you wear skimpy clothes, men should assume you want them to be all over you. The amount of dates is not important, it s whether you feel you're ready or not. Sometimes you're ready after 4 dates sometimes after 10. There shouldn't be a 3 dates rule or whatever it is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 **As I have stated several times now I will have sex when I feel comfortable doing so*** . It is possible that I will suddenly feel I am in a committed relationship and am in love during the lunch date and jump into bed with him there and then. It is not especially likely it will happen that fast though, and that is just fine. I'm not a hormonal teenager. And as I have been saying, THAT is precisely what I have been advocating/advising you do!! Why do you insist on arguing with everything I post and getting so defensive? I agree with you, have sex when you feel comfortable, whether on the 4th date or 40th date! I get it, okay? This is exactly what I have been posting! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I have to agree with RoseWater here. Just because you had 7 date doesn't mean it's time and you're ready for sex. And just because you go to his house, doesn't mean he Should assume you're DTF. That's like saying just because you wear skimpy clothes, men should assume you want them to be all over you. The amount of dates is not important, it s whether you feel you're ready or not. Sometimes you're ready after 4 dates sometimes after 10. There shouldn't be a 3 dates rule or whatever it is. And my posts reflect that SAME mentality, but yet Rose keeps arguing with me, as if I am suggesting something different! (scratching head) Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I'd consider anyone so ruled by their genitals to be poor partner material. Getting off is easy. Building a relationship requires much more than that and is far more difficult. Let's not make this a values war lol ....I happen to be a generally early sex woman, but I support RoseWater's prerogative to determine that for herself and I don't simply assume everyone has to be like me. Would be nice if ppl like me got the same consideration (which Rose already gave - thank you Rose. ). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Odinani Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 One of my friends says she views sex as being like defecating (taking a sh*t) or like eating food. A necessary body function. She tries to have sex with anyone she goes on a date with by the end of the 1st date so she can rule him out if he is poorly endowed or can't perform well sexually. When she told me all this I thought, well that is her choice so it's fine. At the same time I felt really glad that I am not her. Sex is so amazing when you are in love with him and he is in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
kpl Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) Great post! ... or months. I'd consider anyone so ruled by their genitals to be poor partner material. Getting off is easy. Building a relationship requires much more than that and is far more difficult. This is crazy to me and baloney. And i think it speaks to the very game playing I mentioned earlier. We are humans and wanting to have sex with someone we like doesn't make ppl poor partner material. It means we want to have sex b/c we are attracted to that person. It isn't deeper than that. You are not more virtuous b/c "you can keep in your pants." Waiting to be emotionally connected I do understand but judging ppl who don't need an emotional connection for sex isn't fair either. I get why you would all want to wait but there are also ppl who value sexual chemistry and that is okay too. This is the main reason why I didn't quite get the OP's dilemma. If you know it is what you normally do - wait until you feel comfortable - why do you care what this guy thinks about an at home lunch date. You are a confident woman who stands up for what you want whether this guy thought sex was implied or not seems irrelevant if you know you are not ready to have it. And what if he does see you and want to move things forward does that make him a bad person to maybe want sex after 7 dates or does he just really like you? Unless he is crossing a boundary or disrespecting you i just don't get the drama here. Edited October 27, 2015 by kpl 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Most guys can be trained anyway, so not such a big risk IMO. There are quite a few tho who maintain that two ppl alone in a private residence most definitely does mean that you're DTF, which is what RoseWater was pretty much asking about in the first place. Are you willing to be "trained" for the guy as well? It should work both ways... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) So far it's just been lots of passionate kissing. ** I'd say probably another 3 to 4 weeks before I'll feel really comfortable to have sex with him. *** What I would really like to do is go his house like he asked. But just make out and that's it and not feel any pressure. It is possible that I could have a change of heart on the day and feel it is the right time for sex. But I don't think that's very likely. I suspect that given he's been fine with taking things slowly physically he maybe just wants to show me where he lives and is not necessarily assuming we will have sex. But it's best not to make assumptions..... I think Rose's comment in asterisk above is when things went sort of awry. It implied a rigid way of assigning an arbitratry time to when she will *feel ready.* Which she later clarified to acknowledge there is **no way** to determine at what point she will feel ready and comfortable. Thank you Rose for clarifying! Because you comment above was confusing. Yes have sex when you are comfortable having sex!! 4th date, 40th date, your next date or never!! Only you (and him) will know when the time is *right* and you both feel comfortable. Enjoy! Edited October 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Odinani Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Women like you are the reason why I want to have sex right away. I'm not being trained to **** you like you want. I want to **** how I want and the girl to like it. Who said it's all about you? You seem angry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Are you willing to be "trained" for the guy as well? It should work both ways... I don't need training. This is the main reason why I didn't quite get the OP's dilemma. If you know it is what you normally do - wait until you feel comfortable - why do you care what this guy thinks about an at home lunch date. You are a confident woman who stands up for what you want whether this guy thought sex was implied or not seems irrelevant if you know you are not ready to have it. And what if he does see you and want to move things forward does that make him a bad person to maybe want sex after 7 dates or does he just really like you? Unless he is crossing a boundary or disrespecting you i just don't get the drama here. I assume she cares bc she doesn't want to lead him down the garden path and mistakenly create impressions she doesn't want to give. Hence asking if by hanging out at home with him he'll see that as an invitation to consummate the relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 You seem angry. Hah, just that this is a sentiment expressed by every woman and I just got out of a five year relationship with a woman who, in the last two years, made the sex all about her. Always the same position, using a toy, until she came. Then I'd maybe get one other option and that was it. Anything else I asked for, nope, not going to do it. No lingerie (even though I bought a few things and took her shopping), no doggie style, hardly any foreplay. She also used to say she trained me (which was bogus, she restricted me and girls before her told me they would recommend me to their friends). So maybe I'm angry and bitter, but it's a selfish view that devalues men to being dogs and servants in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 And my posts reflect that SAME mentality, but yet Rose keeps arguing with me, as if I am suggesting something different! (scratching head) You were accusing her of playing games, because, you said that you cannot possibly know when you're ready. I'm telling you, you can estimate roughly, knowing yourself and seeing how things progress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseWater Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 Hah, just that this is a sentiment expressed by every woman and I just got out of a five year relationship with a woman who, in the last two years, made the sex all about her. Always the same position, using a toy, until she came. Then I'd maybe get one other option and that was it. Anything else I asked for, nope, not going to do it. No lingerie (even though I bought a few things and took her shopping), no doggie style, hardly any foreplay. She also used to say she trained me (which was bogus, she restricted me and girls before her told me they would recommend me to their friends). So maybe I'm angry and bitter, but it's a selfish view that devalues men to being dogs and servants in a relationship. have you sought counselling? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Are you willing to be "trained" for the guy as well? It should work both ways... Yeah, I'd reformulate what Jen said by saying that two people who genuinely care about each other will care about each other's pleasure and will be able to improve the sex if the first time is not ideal. So yeah, train each other. Because they both care. Indeed, I think men can be trained and women too. If the preferences are so far apart that they cannot find a common ground, then indeed there is not much you can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kpl Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I don't need training. I assume she cares bc she doesn't want to lead him down the garden path and mistakenly create impressions she doesn't want to give. Hence asking if by hanging out at home with him he'll see that as an invitation to consummate the relationship. Yeah but you can't control someone's else's impression. So you just do what you think is right and not focus on the message being sent. Worrying about the message puts it on the guy and not on what you want. It's still in the realm of "dating rules" and "game play" - maybe I'm misreading it. But the idea that if I do this it will make you think this is silly. Like some other poster said wearing skimpy clothes doesn't mean you're a whore. So who cares if he thinks its an invitation for sex unless it was said explicitly that his problem. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 have you sought counselling? Counseling because I think sex should be enjoyable and exciting for both parties involved? Because I think men should have a say in their love life? What do I need counseling for? I've heard so many women refer to men as "trainable" in terms of relationships and sex, as if they are the perfect one and the man must conform to their preferences. The whole reason I like sex sooner than later. If she's a dead fish or uncomfortable with her sexuality, I'm not staying around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Yeah but you can't control someone's else's impression. So you just do what you think is right and not focus on the message being sent. Worrying about the message puts it on the guy and not on what you want. It's still in the realm of "dating rules" and "game play" - maybe I'm misreading it. But the idea that if I do this it will make you think this is silly. Like some other poster said wearing skimpy clothes doesn't mean you're a whore. So who cares if he thinks its an invitation for sex unless it was said explicitly that his problem. and this is why I'd say that I can't wait to do that soon, but what about X instead this time? I did that once with a guy who invited me at his at the 5th date and he didn't run away. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts