Beauty and Beast Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Hi I know you get this all the time about breakups all the time and you can't give me definite answers but this break up happened quite differently and I need to know whether he'd ever want me again and when I should message etc? Okay so me and my boyfriend we're going out for a year and it was off and on and I admit we weren't happy during the end and a lot of things we've done to hurt one another. However I suffer from anxiety attacks and depression which causes me to exaggerate and freak out when I don't know what to hence the situation leading to us breaking up. We'd been going through a two week period of off and on and he was going to these parties he said I couldn't go to because I'm only 17 and he would get drunk and message me. Now I told him prior not to message me drunk because it scares me as in previous instances he shakes and I genuinely one time thought I'd have to call an ambulance I was so scared. This drunk message led to me calling the entire night leaving 50 calls 3 message voice mails and a ridiculous amount of texts because as I mentioned I started having multiple anxiety attacks as a result. The next day I had to leave work cause I was so scared and I wanted him to call me no texts but as soon as he was free to call and he didn't. One problem in our relationship was although we argued we came to things we wanted to improve and he said I should tell him straight what t do hence the call. But he never does it so I became more stressed and depressed which led to very dark thoughts (he's not the only reason I was stressed he was like the cherry on the cake as friends school and my dad repeated how I wasn't good enough). I begged him not to go to this other party which he refused so I compromised saying don't drink and he then refused proving me wrong so I made a final compromise of don't drink clubbing which he agreed to because I started freaking out and therefore lashing out on myself and spiralling much further than usual. However just before he was about to leave his twins gf was also going who was younger than me and not invited and therefore he wouldn't have been going clubbing. I felt awful. Like everything was true and I was never good enough and wasn't allowed to be with his friends like I had to make concessions but he didn't and I wasn't equal and it went so wrong I wanted to die and said all the ways I could go. I hung up and phoned the suicide hotline and tried to calm but they didn't really help and I was just so broken. Then I hear a banging on my door and it's him with his mum saying they need to be in and I end up breaking down and shaking as I couldn't handle anything and my mum was called etc. Last in that night I felt horrible I recognise I was a terrible gf that was just disgusting and I can barely forgive myself or accept that it was just creaking out. I am taking steps to resolve this issue however with a doctor and becoming more socially and trying to focus on more positive things in life and it's making things better. However He said we needed to stop talking that he's sorry and we'd talk when we are both calm but I'm scared. Cause idk how to prove I'm getting better and I really don't want to lose him as a friend and I miss him so much cause he was the one person who didn't shout just said everything will be ok. So I wanted to know what to do? Would he still love me? Will he Ever want to see me again? Would he want a relationship? Could we be friends? I tryin the no contact 30 days rn and I'm scared he will never message like I don't want him to move on I really can't deal with that I just want to be able to meet up with him and it be okay and idk how much time to leave and if he'll message and what to do if he does or doesn't? Furthermore I'll see him at two parties and at work after school so how do I handle that plus his twin brother will be there as well so what should I do???
boltam Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You need to be either in no relationship or with a guy who is much more compassionate and understanding than this guy is. It's not his "fault" that you are an anxiety ridden mess but he's not doing anything to make it better and he's doing everything to make it much worse than it has to be.
opalant Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You can't expect an 18 year old boy (or however old he is) not to go out drinking, I know that it's not fair that you can't go out as well but as you say you're not old enough yet. Now I understand the anxiety attacks because I have them too, but you also can't expect him to drop everything for you. Boyfriends aren't your therapists. You need to leave him or at least leave him for now and get help for your depression and anxiety before it has a negative impact in your future relationships too.
Author Beauty and Beast Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Right so I'd like to make so other details clear I'm not blaming him for anxiety like this has been a long term problem I've had and speak to a professional for and will be seeing a doctor. Also I'm not saying he shouldn't drink etc because I'm young I'm saying he shouldn't or drunk to the point of not remembering anything by 11 and shaking to the point people want to call an ambulance type drunk. I said he could drink but with compromise trying to minimise the intake as two nights in a row would have been horrible. I'm just a confused girl trying to make sense of what to do in an extreme breakup from a first love when you'll always be around each other and prior to the break up best friends and still wish to no matter what be friends
boltam Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I said he could drink but with compromise trying to minimise the intake as two nights in a row would have been horrible. One thing you'll discover is that you can't set limits and make people follow what to you, might be reasonable rules but to them is not. You brought up your concerns about drinking, he's not willing to compromise, so you have 2 choices. Learn to accept it, or break up with him, that's all you can do. As I said I think this sort of relationship is just going to trigger your anxiety and make things much worse for you. I know a breakup will seem devastating but look at it like this.. you ever hear of the slow water torture where someone gets a drop at a time on their head until they go crazy? That's sort of like what's happening now. A breakup will be like someone dumping a bucket of cold water over your head.
opalant Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Don't think I'm attacking you, what I'm saying might seem harsh but it's what you need to hear, I'm 18 and suffer from anxiety so I kinda know where you're coming from and I used to act the same, just not as extreme. Just don't want you to go through life continuing to do this. I wasn't saying he was the cause of your anxiety, but that you need to deal with it by yourself first before you can be with somebody. On top of your anxiety as well I'm sure being with someone that takes no regard for their safety while drinking doesn't help so maybe being with him isn't a good idea anyway as it's clearly just making your anxiety much worse than it needs to be. I've gone through a break up too, was with him for 3 years in fact and he was my first love too, I know it's hard to let go but these first loves hardly ever work out, just try and see this relationship as a lesson and some nice memories but really you need to sort out your personal issues and he needs to sort out his drinking, by yourselves, so that the problems actually get fixed rather than shoved under the carpet and forgotten about till they inevitably resurface again. Also I'm sure you have other friends, speak to them and not your ex, being friends with an ex NEVER works unless you've both completely moved on.
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