Rejected Rosebud Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 And honestly I'm not exactly sure how I'm even supposed to handle this kind of situation. Well I don't know why you aren't, there are only 2 appropriate ways and for YOU there is only ONE - BREAK UP. Break up. Today. In the next 5 minutes. Throw her out naked on her ass on your front lawn, drive her to the bus stop, whatever - those things would be a kindness to her!! Spare this woman even one more episode of emotional abuse, why not be a hero!! (the other appropriate response would have been to accept the person you claim to love, but after 320 threads or whatever about the level of disgust and mistrust you have for this woman, clearly that is not an option for you!!) Are you truly not aware of the level of control you are displaying? It's scary. 5
understand50 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Deadelivs, Did we not go over this is several past posts, with you ending one saying you had come to terms with your G/F and worked things out? This is never going to end with her. You will always be wondering what she is, what she did and so fourth. Me I think she is looking for someone to "forgive" her past and look forward to what she is now and will be in the coming future. I do not think you are good for her. I do not think you are a bad person, just one who can not get over this part of her life. YOU NEED TO DECIDE TO ACCEPT HER AS SHE IS, OR MOVE ON. Can your love for her get over this? That is for you to decide, but I think you should ask the question, "How do I move on?", and not "How do, or should I find out about her?" You have some real thinking to do. Just my two cents. I wish you luck, and hope both of your find peace. 1
Got it Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Both of those scenarios can only exist under normal conditions, when people are honest with each other and you're not dealing with extraordinary circumstances. I've never had any of these problems with other women, simply because they were honest and upfront about their lives, and there were no lingering questions about prostitution and lying. With other previous partners, the conversation of our sexual history was a short and painless conversation. This is the first time I've had to deal with someone who lies about their past, and seems to have all these crazy skeletons in their closet. And honestly I'm not exactly sure how I'm even supposed to handle this kind of situation. All I want to know is if this woman was some kind of prostitute or porn star something. Don't get the impression that I'm sitting here asking her which positions she had sex with which people. At this point it's more like I just want to get an idea if she was a prostitute who's had sex with hundreds of people, or just a normal girl who had a regular sex life just like everyone else I know. But with all the dishonesty and secrecy, makes it difficult to believe anything she tells me. And I've always got the feeling like she's keeping some dark secrets. It's difficult to explain, but sometimes your gut just tells you that a person is hiding something. If you can't trust what you have been told then end it. Why are you beating a dead horse on this? You aren't married, it is less than a year, you two don't fit. Why do you need any other reason to end things? You don't need to know if she was a porn star, a prostitute, etc. You WANT to know. You know enough that you can't trust what you have been told. That is all you NEED to know. And I refuse to qualify my statement with my sexual past. That is completely irrelevant and grossly inappropriate to expect/ask of other posters. 3
ManyDissapoint Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 To me snooping is absolutely not a relationship crime. That's not just because I don't have anything serious to hide, but because I think it's fair to know what you're 'buying' in a serious relationship. I would look into the box since she has given you plenty of cause to think she is lying. I see it this way. If you find nothing, it might give you some extra wind to work on this relationship with her. If you find something condemning, you will feel less guilty if you dump her if you do it for things you found rather than suspicions. 1
BlueIris Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 You already know they've done some sordid and disturbing things in the past, but the details and quantifiable data have always been intentionally fudged in order to preserve your image of them. Her past means a lot to you and you do not accept her past. End the relationship. Stop torturing her. You DO NOT accept her for who she is.
CarrieT Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I had a little epiphany on this thread last night... OP, how do you KNOW what is in the box will shed light on your dilemma? What if it is just a box of childhood mementos like bronzed baby shoes? Or her grandmother's Korean-war love letters? Is that you already know what is in the box?
BlueIris Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 And I refuse to qualify my statement with my sexual past. That is completely irrelevant and grossly inappropriate to expect/ask of other posters. It's twisted. I lie about my sexual past anyway- I say "99" because it's such a weighty number that invites such pondering. 1
SammySammy Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I had a little epiphany on this thread last night... OP, how do you KNOW what is in the box will shed light on your dilemma? What if it is just a box of childhood mementos like bronzed baby shoes? Or her grandmother's Korean-war love letters? Is that you already know what is in the box? Thus, my first post in this thread. To me, it was quite obvious that he had already opened the box. He just wants us to agree that he's right to beat her up over her past. 3
Author deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Her past means a lot to you and you do not accept her past. End the relationship. Stop torturing her. You DO NOT accept her for who she is. Perhaps, but not in the way you perceive it. I don't care about her having a past. Everyone has a past. Mine certainly isn't exactly squeaky clean.If what she's told me is true, then her past is a bit more colorful than most. But all things considered, it's not too far outside the realm of "normal". Again, if we make the assumption that what she's told me is true, then her sexual history isn't really that unusual. She explored some things and tried things which many people would consider taboo. She made a few mistakes that she regrets. She did some things under the influence of alcohol that she probably wouldn't have done sober. I don't have any problem with that. That's pretty standard for our generation. We've all had one night stands, failed relationships, casual f-buddies. None of that bothers me. However there's another spectrum of sexual activities that I suspect she was involved in. These are things like working as a prostitute, sleeping with hundreds of different people, working in pornography, having sex with large groups of men. Those behaviors are not a normal part of dating and hookup culture. Engaging in those types of behaviors are (IMO) a sign that a person has something seriously wrong with them. I'm not tripping about her having some ONS's and FWB's. I just don't want to end up married to a prostitute. That's where I draw the line.
MightyPen Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Well I'm late to the party, but I did see posts talking about a possible history of prostitution, drug use, adult films, etc., so I would say heck yes I would want to know the answers to those questions. As the OP pointed out, there are many other threads with posters upset about finding out about their partner's histories "too late" (i.e. after marriage). For the record I haven't had sex with any men...well there was one night in college after a Coldplay concert and some bad weed...but I digress... So yes I understand WANTING to know, but everyone else is pointing out that there a million other issues here, so I suppose it's like clubbing a possibly slutty horse. I think I mixed metaphors. Anyway, you seem like a well spoken, intelligent guy, so why not just approach this from a rational perspective, weigh the pros and cons in utilitarian fashion, reach your conclusion, and if your analysis leads to the conclusion, go your merry ways? 1
Author deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I had a little epiphany on this thread last night... OP, how do you KNOW what is in the box will shed light on your dilemma? What if it is just a box of childhood mementos like bronzed baby shoes? Or her grandmother's Korean-war love letters? Is that you already know what is in the box? "Pandora's Box" in this case is not a physical "box". For the purpose of this forum lets just assume it's a diary. But as of yet I haven't opened it.
Author deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Well I'm late to the party, but I did see posts talking about a possible history of prostitution, drug use, adult films, etc., so I would say heck yes I would want to know the answers to those questions. As the OP pointed out, there are many other threads with posters upset about finding out about their partner's histories "too late" (i.e. after marriage). For the record I haven't had sex with any men...well there was one night in college after a Coldplay concert and some bad weed...but I digress... So yes I understand WANTING to know, but everyone else is pointing out that there a million other issues here, so I suppose it's like clubbing a possibly slutty horse. I think I mixed metaphors. Anyway, you seem like a well spoken, intelligent guy, so why not just approach this from a rational perspective, weigh the pros and cons in utilitarian fashion, reach your conclusion, and if your analysis leads to the conclusion, go your merry ways? Exactly. When you remain objective, logic prevails. It's pretty obvious which posters are objective and which ones are so wrapped up in their "sex-positive" attitudes that they can't understand why a guy wouldn't want to marry a hooker.
BlueIris Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Perhaps, but not in the way you perceive it. I don't care about her having a past. Everyone has a past. Mine certainly isn't exactly squeaky clean.If what she's told me is true, then her past is a bit more colorful than most. But all things considered, it's not too far outside the realm of "normal". Again, if we make the assumption that what she's told me is true, then her sexual history isn't really that unusual. She explored some things and tried things which many people would consider taboo. She made a few mistakes that she regrets. She did some things under the influence of alcohol that she probably wouldn't have done sober. I don't have any problem with that. That's pretty standard for our generation. We've all had one night stands, failed relationships, casual f-buddies. None of that bothers me. However there's another spectrum of sexual activities that I suspect she was involved in. These are things like working as a prostitute, sleeping with hundreds of different people, working in pornography, having sex with large groups of men. Those behaviors are not a normal part of dating and hookup culture. Engaging in those types of behaviors are (IMO) a sign that a person has something seriously wrong with them. I'm not tripping about her having some ONS's and FWB's. I just don't want to end up married to a prostitute. That's where I draw the line. I thought she moved out and moved in with her mom. Did you talk her into getting back together? If you did, that was extremely unfair to her, even cruel, since you're back to your fixation on HER faults and flaws. And, no, not everyone has had one night stands and casual f-buddies. You have your standards and don't bring your ideas of "normal" into it. Leave her alone and be nice about it. You're fixated on her past and yet playing her like a yo-yo. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I, for one, would snoop the **** out of that box. Imagination is usually more crazy than truth. It would put your doubts to rest hopefully. Maybe you could find some peace to your relationship. You have posted and posted about this man, over months. Open the box and let it go. One caveat, you must tell her you've opened the box or you're no better than her for holding secrets. Then it's all out on the table, both of your dirty secrets and you can move forward.
Author deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I thought she moved out and moved in with her mom. Did you talk her into getting back together? If you did, that was extremely unfair to her, even cruel, since you're back to your fixation on HER faults and flaws. And, no, not everyone has had one night stands and casual f-buddies. You have your standards and don't bring your ideas of "normal" into it. Leave her alone and be nice about it. You're fixated on her past and yet playing her like a yo-yo. My "standards" are pretty loose. I don't even care that she's had sex with 50+ people and dabbled in the sex industry. But that's a whole lot different than being a "real prostitute" who goes out every night and sleeps with people for money. Don't get it twisted. I don't want to marry a hooker. Why is that so difficult for you people to understand. That seems like a pretty reasonable "standard".
BlueIris Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 My "standards" are pretty loose. I don't even care that she's had sex with 50+ people and dabbled in the sex industry. But that's a whole lot different than being a "real prostitute" who goes out every night and sleeps with people for money. Don't get it twisted. I don't want to marry a hooker. Why is that so difficult for you people to understand. That seems like a pretty reasonable "standard". You avoided the question of whether you talked her into coming back to you. Why did you do that only to put her through more of your suspicion, scrutiny and doubt?
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Anyway, you seem like a well spoken, intelligent guy, so why not just approach this from a rational perspective, weigh the pros and cons in utilitarian fashion, reach your conclusion, and if your analysis leads to the conclusion, go your merry ways? Because elvis. 2
Got it Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 My "standards" are pretty loose. I don't even care that she's had sex with 50+ people and dabbled in the sex industry. But that's a whole lot different than being a "real prostitute" who goes out every night and sleeps with people for money. Don't get it twisted. I don't want to marry a hooker. Why is that so difficult for you people to understand. That seems like a pretty reasonable "standard". So don't marry her!!! Assume she was a hooker and make your decision. And with all the other issues you two have, are you SERIOUSLY considering marriage. I truly don't believe you are. 2
Author deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 You avoided the question of whether you talked her into coming back to you. Why did you do that only to put her through more of your suspicion, scrutiny and doubt? I don't put her through scrutiny. I love how you continue to distort things and make me into the villain because I'm distrusting of a person who has repeatedly lied to me. We talked things through and decided to give it another chance. We actually have a really healthy and happy relationship. She thinks I've swallowed everything she's told me at face value. She has no idea that I'm suspicious. She's happy and oblivious. I'm actually the one who's quietly suffering. I would love more than anything to trust her and believe what she tells me, but after how many lies she told me already, and her intentionally cryptic and vague way of talking about her past, I'd be a fool not to have suspicions. I don't bring up her past or ask about it. There's no point in asking someone a question if they are going to answer with a lie. That would merely result in more lies and more suspicions. But I certainly won't be taking this relationship to "the next level" until I can see concrete proof that she wasn't a hooker. But for now, I think I'll leave pandora's box closed. I can always open the box later, but you can never unopen pandoras box.
BlueIris Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 We talked things through and decided to give it another chance. We actually have a really healthy and happy relationship. She thinks I've swallowed everything she's told me at face value. She has no idea that I'm suspicious. She's happy and oblivious. You misled her, deceived her to get her to come back to you. She "has no idea" that you are "quietly suffering" and suspicious. It's wrong to deceive someone into getting back together with you. Realize that by deceiving her to get her to do what you wanted- get back together- you are mistreating her in a way that she has been mistreated before. End it. 3
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 We actually have a really healthy and happy relationship. She has no idea that I'm suspicious. These two things are directly and explicitly contradictory. (And only a sentence apart.) 5
CarrieT Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 These two things are directly and explicitly contradictory. (And only a sentence apart.) And that he can't see it boggles the mind... 6
eye of the storm Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I don't put her through scrutiny. What do you call this? I love how you continue to distort things and make me into the villain because I'm distrusting of a person who has repeatedly lied to me. I personally think that you are a "villain" because instead of walking away from a person you say has "repeatedly lied to you" which is healthy, you continue in this dysfunctional train wreak to torture her. We talked things through and decided to give it another chance. We actually have a really healthy and happy relationship. How on any planet is this healthy?! She thinks I've swallowed everything she's told me at face value. This is your idea of healthy and happy? She has no idea that I'm suspicious. healthy and happy? She's happy and oblivious. I'm actually the one who's quietly suffering. when I am suffering I don't think I am happy and healthy. I would love more than anything to trust her and believe what she tells me, but after how many lies she told me already, and her intentionally cryptic and vague way of talking about her past, I'd be a fool not to have suspicions. I don't bring up her past or ask about it. You constantly ask her. Constantly. There's no point in asking someone a question if they are going to answer with a lie. That would merely result in more lies and more suspicions. But I certainly won't be taking this relationship to "the next level" until I can see concrete proof that she wasn't a hooker. But for now, I think I'll leave pandora's box closed. I can always open the box later, but you can never unopen pandoras box. It wouldn't matter if she took a polygraph, you are looking for a way to punish this girl. I feel so bad for her. My ExH did this. He found an old diary from when I was very young...read it and then threw its contents in my face. Stuff that had nothing to do with him. I went thru every thing I owned to make sure there was nothing else he could find and burned it all. And before you call me a prostitute...it was just 18/19 year old crushes and fantasies. For what ever you hold holy, let this poor girl go. Stop torturing her. 2
CarrieT Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I misled her? I deceived her? She lies to me. I don't believe her. Who is the one perpetrating a deception in that scenario? Certainly not the person being lied to. You are both lying and deceiving each other. Why not call it like it is? You have, however, reached a point of complacency that you either accept or don't. 3
Author deadelvis Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 These two things are directly and explicitly contradictory. (And only a sentence apart.) It is possible to be happy and in love with someone, but know they have a closet full of skeletons and a penchant for lying.
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