deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 So let's say you're in a relationship with a person who had a very colorful life prior to dating you, and they've always been very secretive/deceptive about their past. You know they've done some wild stuff in the past, but they remain very guarded discussing it, and you've always suspected that the version of events they disclosed to you were a partial and abridged version of the truth. Suddenly you find "pandora's box" hidden in their closet. You know that opening this box will probably reveal a multitude of secrets and finally shed some light on who your partner was in the past. Do you open the box? The morality of snooping is hardly an issue. You know this person has continuously lied about their history. You already know they've done some sordid and disturbing things in the past, but the details and quantifiable data have always been intentionally fudged in order to preserve your image of them. You know that opening this box will reveal things about your partner that you will never be able to forget. And any information you glean from this can never be revealed, as it will implicate you in snooping. If you find out extremely damaging things about your partners past, how will you be able to live with that information? Will it ruin your image of them? The very image they have lied to protect? Do you deserve to know the truth about their past? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie? Perhaps the information you find will only support their story and allow you to finally trust them? Or perhaps you will discover that your partner was actually involved in a terrible underworld of sex, drugs and violence. How much is the truth worth? Worth throwing away your relationship? Worth ruining your image of them? Is a relationship built on lies even worth protecting? Do you open pandora's box and let the truth finally emerge? Do you just accept that people lie about their past and let them keep their dirty secrets? Could you leave pandora's box closed? Would you believe the lies to preserve the relationship, or learn the truth and be prepared for the worst?
GunslingerRoland Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 In my own life no... if I was dating someone with as crazy of a history as your girl, I'd be tempted though... Please open it so you can tell us about it... we live vicariously through you. 1
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 The real question remains: You KNOW she is hiding things. You KNOW the relationship is dysfunctional. You have stated numerous times you believe the relationship is not going to stand the test of time. What will snooping give you? That piece of mind at *finally* knowing what it is all about so you can finally pull the plug? Why wait? Why are you still in the relationship? 8
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 In my own life no... if I was dating someone with as crazy of a history as your girl, I'd be tempted though... Please open it so you can tell us about it... we live vicariously through you. It is indeed tempting... mostly I'm curious about a few specific things. How many people did she really sleep with? Was she a porn star? A hooker? I know she worked "briefly" as an escort, but her version of the "escort thing" always seemed fishy and understated. I suspect she may have worked extensively as a prostitute. I'm deeply afraid of what I will discover. The logical part of my brain says "Let sleeping dogs lie, her past is hers alone. Whatever she's lied to protect is none of your business. Don't throw away the relationship just to have your paranoia satiated." The other part of my brain says "She's lied about her past from day 1. Now you can finally find out the truth. A relationship built on lies is not worth saving. Find out the truth. If you can't live with that information, at least you can walk away knowing the full story"
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 The real question remains: You KNOW she is hiding things. You KNOW the relationship is dysfunctional. You have stated numerous times you believe the relationship is not going to stand the test of time. What will snooping give you? That piece of mind at *finally* knowing what it is all about so you can finally pull the plug? Why wait? Why are you still in the relationship? Yes. Perhaps that's it. Maybe I'm subconsciously looking for a way out. But I guess in my mind I just want to finally know the truth, and make a decision based on the actual evidence, versus suspicions and rumors. If I uncover the truth, then I can choose to move forward or walk away based on that information. And I don't want to invest years of my life with someone based on a fictionalized version of their life, only to find out years later that everything they told me was a lie. I guess I feel like I deserve to know the truth so I can make an informed decision to continue or terminate the relationship. I know she lies. I just want to know how deep the rabbithole goes.
pteromom Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 No I would not snoop. Someone's past belongs to them, and it is up to them what they share with me. It is up to me to either accept what they wish to share with me, or decide that they aren't open enough for me and move on. 3
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 No I would not snoop. Someone's past belongs to them, and it is up to them what they share with me. It is up to me to either accept what they wish to share with me, or decide that they aren't open enough for me and move on. Does that still apply if you know they have "dark secrets" and you know they've lied about much of their past?
mystikmind2005 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 It depends on how serious i am about the relationship? If i was serious enough about the relationship to think it could lead to marriage, then i would snoop, for sure.... marriage is a big commitment, you have to enter with eyes open. If on the other hand i do not really see it leading to marriage, then i would not snoop.
pteromom Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Does that still apply if you know they have "dark secrets" and you know they've lied about much of their past? Yes. I've read all your posts about your gf, and I don't know why you are still with her. - You don't agree with what she's done in the past - Her values are very different from yours - You live in a state of perpetual questioning - You have a mediocre sex life - She's lied to you - You don't trust her How much more do you need? She isn't the one for you. Finding out that there were really 100 guys, and that she was really an escort 5 times instead of 1, and reading that she enjoyed her past sexual exploits is not going to make things better or worse for you. It will just give you more to worry and fret about; more to compare yourself to. Just get OUT. Do NOT snoop. You will likely be sorry if you do. 6
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 It depends on how serious i am about the relationship? If i was serious enough about the relationship to think it could lead to marriage, then i would snoop, for sure.... marriage is a big commitment, you have to enter with eyes open. If on the other hand i do not really see it leading to marriage, then i would not snoop. Right. We live together and our relationship is very serious. We're not just casually dating. We are both looking for a life partner. I'm mainly trying to avoid getting into a situation like the numerous posters in the marriage forum who title threads "I read her journals... wife lied about being a hooker"
pteromom Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 It depends on how serious i am about the relationship? If i was serious enough about the relationship to think it could lead to marriage, then i would snoop, for sure.... marriage is a big commitment, you have to enter with eyes open. If on the other hand i do not really see it leading to marriage, then i would not snoop. There is NO WAY I would marry someone if I didn't trust them, and thought that snooping was the only way to get full info on them. That's just crazy talk. 1
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Yes. I've read all your posts about your gf, and I don't know why you are still with her. - You don't agree with what she's done in the past I'm actually surprisingly ok with what she's told me so far regarding her past. It's the remaining portion that she doesn't disclose that worries me. - Her values are very different from yours Not really. We actually have similar values at this point in our lives. Even our past choices aren't too different. But again this is all contingent on choosing to believe her "version" of events. - You live in a state of perpetual questioning Again, this is all due to the constant lying and secrecy about her past. Opening pandoras box should confirm or deny my suspicions. - You have a mediocre sex life True. She's been trying harder and things have been improving. - She's lied to you Yes. But to my knowledge, she only lies about her past. - You don't trust her Because she lies. If she didn't lie to me, then I'd trust her. How much more do you need? She isn't the one for you. Finding out that there were really 100 guys, and that she was really an escort 5 times instead of 1, and reading that she enjoyed her past sexual exploits is not going to make things better or worse for you. It will just give you more to worry and fret about; more to compare yourself to. What I want to know is... 1. What's the really story with her working as an escort? 2. How many people has she really had sex with? Is it really only 50 or more like 500? 3. Was she a porn star? A sex addict? A call girl? The answers to those questions will certainly shed some light on her life and the secrets she's been keeping. And of course these are the exact things she continues to lie about. I'd rather know the truth than live a lie. Just get OUT. Do NOT snoop. You will likely be sorry if you do. Answers in bold. Edited October 26, 2015 by deadelvis
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Maybe I'm subconsciously looking for a way out. Why do you need a SUBCONSCIOUS way out? You are 85% out already... But I guess in my mind I just want to finally know the truth, and make a decision based on the actual evidence, versus suspicions and rumors. Nope. I'm going to call you on this. You have really checked out of the relationship, don't want to be the bad guy in ending the relationship, and want to uncover all these woman's secret to give you leverage. If I uncover the truth, then I can choose to move forward or walk away based on that information. You have already decided to walk away. You just haven't done it yet. And I don't want to invest years of my life with someone based on a fictionalized version of their life, only to find out years later that everything they told me was a lie. You know it is a lie so stop investing time. I guess I feel like I deserve to know the truth so I can make an informed decision to continue or terminate the relationship. I know she lies. You "deserve" nothing of the kind. Her past is her's to keep or share - not yours to dig into. 2
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I actually do want to stay with her. I love her very much. If it turns out she only lied about a few small details it won't change anything and I'll feel relieved she wasn't really a streetwalker or sex addict. That would be the best-case scenario. I open pandoras box, and its nearly empty. Just a few embarrassing mistakes she would rather forget. No big deal. But I'm worried that the truth she's been hiding is in fact much more severe. I think she may have been a high end prostitute for many years and slept with hundreds if not thousands of customers. That would be a dealbreaker for me.
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Then just do it. You have already decided you are going to snoop. What is stopping you? 1
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 You "deserve" nothing of the kind. Her past is her's to keep or share - not yours to dig into. This is where our opinions diverge. I believe a person has a right to know if their partner was a prostitute who serviced hundreds of customers. I think most people would agree.
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Then just do it. You have already decided you are going to snoop. What is stopping you? Because I love her. I'm not sure if I actually want to know the truth. I'm torn between staying with the woman I love and never knowing the truth about her, or finding out the truth and being so disgusted that it destroys our relationship. But living with constant suspicion isn't a viable alternative either.
pteromom Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Option A - snoop Option B - don't snoop Option C - sit her down and tell her you found Pandora's Box and didn't open it, but it has stirred up questions you need true answers to. That you are living in a state of fear and you are unable to be truly intimate and trusting and vulnerable until you have answers to your questions. Give her an opportunity to just be honest, and make it all about you and your insecurities. 1
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 This is where our opinions diverge. I believe a person has a right to know if their partner was a prostitute who serviced hundreds of customers. I think most people would agree. Well, apparently your GF does not agree, huh? How has that worked for you when you have asked? 1
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Option A - snoop Terrified of what I will find. Option B - don't snoop Probably the best option if I want to make this relationship last. But I'm not sure I can live with the constant suspicion, or the temptation to snoop. Option C - sit her down and tell her you found Pandora's Box and didn't open it, but it has stirred up questions you need true answers to. That you are living in a state of fear and you are unable to be truly intimate and trusting and vulnerable until you have answers to your questions. Give her an opportunity to just be honest, and make it all about you and your insecurities. Tried this multiple times. She just maintains that she's told me the truth and gets upset that I don't believe her. She recently made comments about her past being "none of your business" and she doesn't think she owes me any explanation or discussion of her past. If what she's told me is the truth then everything would be really simple. I'd feel bad for not believing her and let it go. If opening pandoras box just supports her story then it would be amazing, because it would put my suspicions to rest. However I think the likelihood of that happening is slim-to-none.
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 This is where our opinions diverge. I believe a person has a right to know if their partner was a prostitute who serviced hundreds of customers. I think most people would agree. Seems like you've visited this topic hundreds of times now. Ppl have given you reasons why you're mistaken in principle. Others have told you you're right. Obvs you're not going to be convinced to the contrary, so why don't you just do whatever you want to do already instead of eternally agonizing over this stuff? 5
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Well, apparently your GF does not agree, huh? How has that worked for you when you have asked? She gets angry that I don't believe her, she gets even more angry that I think it's any of my business, and then she continues to lie about it.
Author deadelvis Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Seems like you've visited this topic hundreds of times now. Ppl have given you reasons why you're mistaken in principle. Others have told you you're right. Obvs you're not going to be convinced to the contrary, so why don't you just do whatever you want to do already instead of eternally agonizing over this stuff? Because I can't make major life decisions based on the opinions of a few people, especially considering those same people seem to believe I don't deserve to know if my partner was a prostitute who serviced hundreds of customers. I have a hard time accepting that statement. If we can't agree on that statement, then any further advice becomes null and void. Edited October 26, 2015 by deadelvis
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 If we can't agree on that statement, then any further advice becomes null and void. But you are the one who has started - by my count - the 37th thread on the subject looking for ostensibly the same advice.... Why do you think you are going to get a different answer? 3
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