Lovelorn00 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 So, this is my first time posting in the Breakups section, as I don’t feel this fits in the Dating category. I’ve got a “slow fader” on my hands, and while we didn’t date very long (a couple of months), I made the mistake of falling for his charms and developed feelings. He came on SUPER strong those first two months, then suddenly, the ol’ pull back. Neither one of us has made a definitive statement declaring things have ended, but I can definitely see that it’s over. I haven’t heard from him in days and he hasn’t made plans with me in a few weeks. The thing is – I’ve noticed that this has become a noticeable pattern, and I’ve gained a lot of insight from the folks posting over in the dating category about why I always manage to date guys who do this to me. So, in an effort to better myself and gain a better understanding about why things went south, I’d like to ask him what happened. Not in a pleading way or in an accusatory way, but I honestly want to know where the “break” happened in his mind when it came to his interest level in me. I can think of a billion things I might’ve said or done that scared him off, but I’d really like to know what did it for him so that I don’t repeat the same mistakes with someone else. I’ve done this once before with success, though the last guy was around a little longer and instead of slowly fading, he completely ghosted on me on my birthday. Yes, he stood me up ON my birthday. After a few months, he finally agreed to meet up with me and talk about what happened. In the end, I felt a lot better, because I finally had closure, a sincere apology, and the reasons why he behaved so cruelly, which had very little to do with me. So, I kinda want to do the same with this guy. Thoughts? PS: I know that it sounds like I’m beating myself up a bit by suggesting that it was all my fault, but I really do think I played a huge part in his interest level dropping. I’ve read a bunch of the books (Attached, Why Men Love Bitches, etc.), and I still don’t fully believe that this keeps happening simply because I’m “picking the wrong guys.” I date at lot. A LOT. I date a very wide variety of men from different walks of life and different personalities, so I know that there’s something about me that causes these dudes to bail. Not beating myself up, just being honest. Haha
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I think it depends on the guy. Is he the sort to share in an honest way to begin with? Is he a personal issues/baggage guy? Etc.
mightycpa Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I think it would depend very much on whether or not you've developed a real personal connection with this person, even if it is not a romantic one. I tried to imagine what it would be like to receive a request like that and my very first reaction was avoidance, like "OMG, why are you bothering me with this, you loser chick." Then, some images popped into my mind where I imagined I actually would have this conversation with women I've dated. The thing about that is that I've dated a lot and I can only think of two that I actually wouldn't mind having that conversation with. I'm still close to both of them, but not linked romantically. It's a tough conversation with someone you don't know all that well, I think probably because the decision is based more on vibe than on some specific behavior. Even if he says yes, and gives you some feedback, I wonder how much value you'll get out of it. Let us know, it is an interesting question. What have you got to lose by asking? His affection?
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I think it depends on the guy. Is he the sort to share in an honest way to begin with? Is he a personal issues/baggage guy? Etc. Ah, you know? That's a good question. I'm not sure. I don't know where his head is at, so I'm not sure if he'd be open to that kind of discussion. He's opened up to me about other things before in an honest way, so I think he's capable. I don't know for sure, though, so that definitely poses a risk.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I think it would depend very much on whether or not you've developed a real personal connection with this person, even if it is not a romantic one. I tried to imagine what it would be like to receive a request like that and my very first reaction was avoidance, like "OMG, why are you bothering me with this, you loser chick." Haha! Really? Yikes! Yeah, this is why I'm kind of afraid to ask. Ha I like to think that we had a connection, but then again, I wasn't the one who wanted to end it, so my perspective is a little skewed. I mentioned before that I had tried this on one ex, but actually, I remember asking another guy whom I briefly dated. His response was, "I just don't think we're compatible," which is respectable. That guy, though, wasn't a slow fader. He was nice enough to tell me up front that he wasn't interested in seeing me anymore.
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