zcallaghan Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Hi I'm new here so you'll have to bare with me. Basically I met someone on tinder and we have been involved in a casual relationship for nearly five months (by casual I mean we went out for one meal but the rest of the time we've either been at mine or his) we have an amazing connection and would sit and talk for hours. About a month ago he rang me whilst drunk at a wedding and told me he was falling for me but he was too selfish to consider being with me as I have two children from a previous relationship. The next day he apologised for doing it the way he did and we've carried on as if nothing has happened ever since. However, he came round on Saturday night (he's been a bit distant the last two weeks) and told me the reason was because our situation has been on his mind and that he can't make a commitment to me and it's making him feel bad. We had a really good night together anyway but when he went in the morning I decided that I couldn't carry on like this and sent him a message saying that I've had an amazing few months with him but I'm not going to be his 'chill' girl until he finds something better. He hasn't replied. I guess what I want to know is, have any of you been in this type of situation and how has it panned out and have I done the right thing? thanks in advance xx:rolleyes:
Realitycol Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Yes, yes, yes, and YES! Did I say yes? Yes, everybody's been there. You did the absolute best thing. Give him your terms and state what you want. Then walk away. Don't play or mess around or let him do so either. If he's not all about that love you want then that's great! Who's next? Let love come, be patient. Live happy and be approachable and keep up that aura of brightness around you. Don't get all upset, because someone doesn't necessarily share the same feelings you have for them. 2
Blanco Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Yes, you did the right thing. A guy who's going to use these reasons with you isn't worth your time. He's either telling the truth or he's lying. Either does nothing good for you. I'm probably one of the more selfish people I know, yet I was in a relationship for three years with a woman who had two children from a previous relationship. We eventually lived together and I basically went from being a guy with no real obligations to "dad." It was a weird transition with some bumps in the road, but you know, I really loved those kids, and so I didn't mind it most of the time. The relationship fell apart for different reasons, but I can speak from experience that I didn't view the children as a liability to me once I got to know them. It made for an interesting relationship dynamic, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. More to your situation, you have kids, and while you're certainly allowed to date and have some fun when you aren't on the clock, those kids should be (and probably are) your biggest priority. I would imagine that you'd eventually like a relationship with a man who wants to commit not just to you, but your children, too. In other words, you're doing the right thing not wasting anymore time with a guy who doesn't appear ready to do that. 2
mightycpa Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I would imagine that you'd eventually like a relationship with a man who wants to commit not just to you, but your children, too.But that's just an assumption. What about it OP? Is this the case? Eventually or now? Why wouldn't you want to be his "chill" girl? You may very well have done the right thing, if Blanco is right. But if not, then maybe this was just a knee jerk reaction to a soft rejection. I have to give him credit for being honest with you. 1
Samuel_22 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Hi I'm new here so you'll have to bare with me. Basically I met someone on tinder and we have been involved in a casual relationship for nearly five months (by casual I mean we went out for one meal but the rest of the time we've either been at mine or his) we have an amazing connection and would sit and talk for hours. About a month ago he rang me whilst drunk at a wedding and told me he was falling for me but he was too selfish to consider being with me as I have two children from a previous relationship. The next day he apologised for doing it the way he did and we've carried on as if nothing has happened ever since. However, he came round on Saturday night (he's been a bit distant the last two weeks) and told me the reason was because our situation has been on his mind and that he can't make a commitment to me and it's making him feel bad. We had a really good night together anyway but when he went in the morning I decided that I couldn't carry on like this and sent him a message saying that I've had an amazing few months with him but I'm not going to be his 'chill' girl until he finds something better. He hasn't replied. I guess what I want to know is, have any of you been in this type of situation and how has it panned out and have I done the right thing? thanks in advance xx:rolleyes: What can I say? What can we say? Congratulations! you are really brave, I wish I had done the same thing...I wish I had never ignored all those red flags, I have been out of a RS for 2 and half months, and I still wonder why I did not end it my self. Bravo... 1
Samuel_22 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 But that's just an assumption. What about it OP? Is this the case? Eventually or now? Why wouldn't you want to be his "chill" girl? You may very well have done the right thing, if Blanco is right. But if not, then maybe this was just a knee jerk reaction to a soft rejection. I have to give him credit for being honest with you. Honesty when he was drunk? Honesty after 5 months? I still have difficulty understanding why we have to thank selfish people. It is either I have not healed properly, or you people are from another planet, the first theory is more probable, since I have not healed completely. Sometimes I guess I have not healed at all. The reason why she did not accept to be a chill girl, honestly I don't think she had signed up for this. 1
Author zcallaghan Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I have thoroughly enjoyed being his chill girl but no I didn't sign up for it. But that's entirely my fault for not being honest firstly with myself and secondly with him. I'm glad that I was to end it as he probably would have carried it on until he met someone else, in which case it would be worse than it is now. As it stands he has messaged me back tonight and said that while he thinks I'm amazing and we've had a lot of fun, he's not ready for anything serious and I suppose it doesn't get more serious than being with someone who has kids! So I'm going to walk away. I do want to eventually meet someone who is accepting of the fact I have children and wants to be a part of my whole life not just mine! I appreciate all your replies btw Feeling a little bit heartbroken but something needed saying so I guess it was the right thing to do xx 2
walkingonair Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I have thoroughly enjoyed being his chill girl but no I didn't sign up for it. But that's entirely my fault for not being honest firstly with myself and secondly with him. I'm glad that I was to end it as he probably would have carried it on until he met someone else, in which case it would be worse than it is now. As it stands he has messaged me back tonight and said that while he thinks I'm amazing and we've had a lot of fun, he's not ready for anything serious and I suppose it doesn't get more serious than being with someone who has kids! So I'm going to walk away. I do want to eventually meet someone who is accepting of the fact I have children and wants to be a part of my whole life not just mine! I appreciate all your replies btw �� Feeling a little bit heartbroken but something needed saying so I guess it was the right thing to do xx I'm glad you walked away! I went through the same thing recently, also met on tinder and didn't want anything serious yet thought I perfect and has feelings for me.... Please get rid of your tinder profile if you want something serious. All the guys on there are either just out of a relationship looking for a rebound, ego stroke or sex. 1
Candle037 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Hi, I don't have kids either does he but I had this casual relationship thing. The worst was once he told me he didn't want anything serious and we ended it he came back 3 months later and said he missed me and really wanted me as a friend in his life. I agreed and it was awkward as I had feelings we talked it out and decided to not be friends. This is a while ago and to this day as he was good to me I cannot just let him go. We've been NC for almost 5 months now after multiple attempts its almost 2 years of a head **uk. Don't be friends or anything with him move on for you and your kids especially if you want something more or you'll end up like me grasping to whatever he did give me for that short time me and him spent together. 1
mmcain Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 It's a sign that if he did commit , your attachments ( kids ) would bother him later causing a separation. What is your birthdays , I can tell you why you met him in the first place.. 1
Author zcallaghan Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 It's more the fact that he's now saying that he's not looking for anything rather than it being the kids. I know it's just excuses and he's still on tinder so he obviously is looking for someone, that someone isn't me. It's a horrible feeling to have someone be so into you and then just not! 1
Author zcallaghan Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 My birthday is 19/12 and his is 17/03
mightycpa Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 It is either I have not healed properly, or you people are from another planet, the first theory is more probable, since I have not healed completely. Sometimes I guess I have not healed at all. Yeah, I've read your stuff, and you are still pretty angry. At some point in your life, I hope you come to realize that everybody is flawed, some more than others. While her behavior feels pretty personal, I'm pretty sure it wasn't targeted at you because you're you. You could have been anybody in that place and time, and she'd have done the same thing. In that sense, it's not personal... just inconsiderate. How long can you stay worked up about someone being inconsiderate to you? What you're probably feeling is the sting of the ultimate rejection. The day I first got dumped, I knew she was with somebody new. But I was circumspect about it. The real issue was that she didn't love me anymore. Everything else was a byproduct of that one thing, and whether she was banging some new guy(s) two days later, or two days earlier or even two months before didn't really matter once I'd been given my walking papers. It was just a matter of timing to me. Some people might think that I played the fool, and maybe I did. But that really wasn't a bad reflection on me that I trusted her. If anybody looked bad, it was her, and at that point, what did I care what she looked like. I think that attitude helped me immensely in the long run, and it kept me looking forward rather than focused on trying to change the past. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, a lot, and I was sad, but even if she was a ****ty person, that didn't mean she targeted me. It just meant she was ****ty in a way that I never knew, and I wasn't going to waste my energy worrying about or seething over something that I couldn't change and that would no longer affect me. OP, I don't mean to hijack your thread, and I hope that this Martian wisdom helps you and Samuel.
walkingonair Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 It's more the fact that he's now saying that he's not looking for anything rather than it being the kids. I know it's just excuses and he's still on tinder so he obviously is looking for someone, that someone isn't me. It's a horrible feeling to have someone be so into you and then just not! Yes he's looking for casual dating but not a committed relationship. He's on tinder for casual sex.
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