purplesoul Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 So, have been dating this man ( let's call him Bob!) for approximately 8 months. We are really happy together and I feel at peace with him. We both have our issues but care enough to work it out. However regarding his ex, I believe there is a discrepancy. Let me just say they were good friends for 5 years prior to dating (during this period they were also flat mates). They started sleeping together and she pushed for a relationship and because he had been hurt (cheated on by his fiance) and really cares about this girl ( let's call her Sue), he went with it. They were together around 5 years in which he broke up with her twice ( once as he felt unsatisfied by their sex life and second time, no real reason) Eventually he realized he didn't want to marry her ( to be fair, they were also living together and most of their friends who dated later they they did were getting hitched). She was very affected by this and because he was still unsure, he broke it off ( it was moreso mutual as she naturally had her own qualms). However throughout, he maintains they were best of friends ( this was the best part of their relationship according to him). For a year after they tried to maintain that friendship and were more or less excellent. At the end of that year, she left the city to pursue another job. They again swore they'd be close friends. She tried to sleep with her at leaving party but he said he couldn't ( I think all along she might have been more in love with him...) To cut a long story short, I met him a few months later. He told me from beginning his ex was more of a close friend and it's important not to loose that but of course in a way that I will be comfortable. I was fine with it ( also bearing in mind, she lives really far away) This is where it gets tricky. She deleted him off social media once he started posting pictures, he had tried to tell her about us but she wouldn't respond to him and eventually he stopped. During this period she came back to the city, and finally responded saying she was very happy for him but is disappointed he didn't reach out to her to meet one on one prior to meeting me. That she only misses their friendship and wants to repair that and that's why she didn't want to meet us. That she is very happy for him but wants to heal their friendship first and find a new balance. He wrote back saying that he s rather confused as he's not sure what they have to work out or repair. They had promised to be friends and each of his attempts to try to update her about being with me ( as courtesy) were met with silence and it's naturally awkward for his girlfriend now. Also he said that he cares for her and wants to maintain their lifelong friendship but courtesy must be given first to partners and he would have liked to introduce us in a way that didn't hurt anyone and he would do the same for her partner. Anyways she just contacted him saying that while happy for him, she just misses him as a close friend and wants to repair that as it'll be awkward to meet us three for first time without them talking. He hasn't responded. He maintains she's just an avoidant personality and means no harm but it just seems so weird? Why insistence on repairing friendship first? Am I wrong in this? I absolutely trust him to not do anything that would hurt me in this sense and I don't see him getting back with her at all ( she says she only wants friendship too) but is this weird? Or am I being too anal about the whole thing? jUST to add to above, I was fine with meeting her when she was in town. Obviously not a dream come true but I respect his past and trust him to not cheat. Also, not once did he make me feel out of loop. HELP:sick:
Author purplesoul Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Essentially she wants to meet him first/ for them to have a chance to heal and repair their friendship? Is this normal?
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Too much drama. There are clearly feelings there or there'd be no need for private meetings to 'repair' anything, and she wouldn't have deleted him from social media when he posted things about you. He dumped her, right? She's probably still hurt and into him. Holding on because she wants him in her life somehow, but still too raw to see him with anyone else. Exes can only be friends when there are no feelings anymore... to pursue this friendship, knowing that she isn't a friend of the relationship and isn't happy to meet and include you, is disrespectful to you I feel. But really, how he handles this will show you what kind of integrity he has and how he feels about you. I'd stay well back and see how he handles this. If he starts trying to rekindle things between them and meeting her without you I'd speak up and say I wasn't tolerating that, but hopefully it won't come to that. You're right to be wary, this sounds totally off.
EricaH329 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 If friendship is all that she wants, then she needs to understand that she doesn't get any special privileges. Personally, if I had a friend that deleted me on social media once I got into a relationship, and refused to talk to me about it - I wouldn't consider them a really good friend. I totally agree with the above poster. It'd be in your best interest to see how he handles this situation. It seems, from what you've posted about his reaction towards her, that he has his head on straight. 2
Author purplesoul Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Too much drama. There are clearly feelings there or there'd be no need for private meetings to 'repair' anything, and she wouldn't have deleted him from social media when he posted things about you. He dumped her, right? She's probably still hurt and into him. Holding on because she wants him in her life somehow, but still too raw to see him with anyone else. Exes can only be friends when there are no feelings anymore... to pursue this friendship, knowing that she isn't a friend of the relationship and isn't happy to meet and include you, is disrespectful to you I feel. But really, how he handles this will show you what kind of integrity he has and how he feels about you. I'd stay well back and see how he handles this. If he starts trying to rekindle things between them and meeting her without you I'd speak up and say I wasn't tolerating that, but hopefully it won't come to that. You're right to be wary, this sounds totally off. Agreed. Thus far he has always kept me up to speed on anything and at least has showcased through his actions that he would not meet her alone/ create further drama. What he has trouble understanding is that she might still be interested? I tried to explain the disrespectful part. He says he finds it odd she wants to meet alone but doesn't know what is in her head and that in the end, he never really loved her as he should have during the relationship so even without me in the picture, he would not be interested in being with her. From what he has shown me, I don't think I have a reason to worry but am more so baffled why she'd want to meet. Prior to deciding to let the whole thing slide ( he doesn't care to respond right now), he actually just asked why I dont contact her and ask her what's going on and why she wants to meet alone. I think that's a crazy idea but I don't think he puts so much emphasis on it. Only part we disagree on is that I personally think she isn't as meek as he puts her out to be. That and she definitely has strong feelings for him. Will see how this plays out. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this.
Author purplesoul Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 If friendship is all that she wants, then she needs to understand that she doesn't get any special privileges. Personally, if I had a friend that deleted me on social media once I got into a relationship, and refused to talk to me about it - I wouldn't consider them a really good friend. I totally agree with the above poster. It'd be in your best interest to see how he handles this situation. It seems, from what you've posted about his reaction towards her, that he has his head on straight. So far, so good but am mildly irritated by her inability to not see it's not right to want to meet alone especially all other factors considered. He doesn't seem to fussed and sees her as totally nonthreatening ( he ended it ) but he does naturally care for her and carry guilt ( as in wishes he ended the relationship earlier as she wanted marriage and he didn't with her). Knowing him he won't respond ( I think I am more bothered) but do you think that's wise? There is a part of me that is feels sorry for her but also don't understand what she'd gain from meeting him alone to repair
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Prior to deciding to let the whole thing slide ( he doesn't care to respond right now), he actually just asked why I dont contact her and ask her what's going on and why she wants to meet alone. I think that's a crazy idea but I don't think he puts so much emphasis on it.. Whaaaaat!? This is his problem. You are his partner and it's down to him to make sure that any friends of his either respect your relationship or don't get to stay friends any longer. What was the conversation like when he suggested you contact her? He's trying to get you to do his dirty work! Are you sure he doesn't get off on the drama of the jealousy?
Author purplesoul Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Whaaaaat!? This is his problem. You are his partner and it's down to him to make sure that any friends of his either respect your relationship or don't get to stay friends any longer. What was the conversation like when he suggested you contact her? He's trying to get you to do his dirty work! Are you sure he doesn't get off on the drama of the jealousy? That made me laugh! In fairness I think he just wanted to "prove" he had nothing to hide. He said he d never do anything to make me uncomfortable but also feels I care more about this than him and feels I am not appreciating how open he is about this (ie making sure I am aware of all interaction) He asked her why she wanted to meet alone but she never responded regarding that but only stated she is happy for him but wants to meet him first to "repair" and it's not about jealousy. What do you think? I think he feels sorry for her and swears up and down its just because she is avoidant. What do you think we should do? He s not fussed about responding now but this is all odd
sandylee1 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You responding to her as he suggested, is NOT a good idea. She clearly still has feelings for him, hence the FB deletion and she would feel awkward around you, as you're with the guy she loved/loves. She may also wish to ask questions about you, the type of person you are, what he likes about you etc..and she can't very well do that with you there. He is handling it well so far. I wouldn't worry if I was you.
Qboro90 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Your BF seems like a nice guy almost to a fault. Trying to keep this girl as a friend and making sure your comfortable and aware of everything. Problem - they can never be friends like they used to be. Too much has transpired between them emotionally to ever be just friends again. At least on her side. She wanted to marry this man. Those feeling don't just go away no matter how much time has passed or who they're dating. While I think you're handling it well I also think it's within reason for you to point this out to your BF. Ask him "do you ever think she can go back to being the friend you had before you began dating one another/dating me?" Deep down he's gotta know that there's just no way that's possible. 1
Author purplesoul Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Your BF seems like a nice guy almost to a fault. Trying to keep this girl as a friend and making sure your comfortable and aware of everything. Problem - they can never be friends like they used to be. Too much has transpired between them emotionally to ever be just friends again. At least on her side. She wanted to marry this man. Those feeling don't just go away no matter how much time has passed or who they're dating. While I think you're handling it well I also think it's within reason for you to point this out to your BF. Ask him "do you ever think she can go back to being the friend you had before you began dating one another/dating me?" Deep down he's gotta know that there's just no way that's possible. Thanks!! In in reference to her last email (in which she said she was really happy for him and misses him as best friend and wants to fix that following two emails exchanges in which he expressed he wants to maintain friendship but doesn't understand what it is they need to heal or repair from?), should he respond to her or let it slide for now? Sorry for the ramble ( sitting inside a bus !!) But essentially, how should he go about it now? Bear in mind , she just emphasises how she misses the friendship and nothing more. He also doesn't believe she d be conniving enough to use that as a way to get back with him (if indeed that's what what she wants...) He's rather confused himself as doesn't get what there is to repair and heal in their friendship but also on same note, does not want to rub our relationship in her face ( he s been very honest with her about how he feels towards me and sufficiently so) especially as she claims she is very happy for us and just wants to repair friendship. To cut a long and jumbled entry short (thank you if you've persevered till now), how should he handle situation?
Omei Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) Personally I think its horrid that your bf feels the need to update his ex about you regularly and share to her how he feels about you that isnt courtesy and it must kill her everytime to hear it thus the silence. Its not helping her at all to hear any of this. Why for what? what she needs no contact he needs no contact shes still very much in love and why wouldn't she be 5 years together and dumped by him. I spent 5 years with my last bf I still love/hate him three years of singlehood later people are right the feeling can't just vanish esp if she was the dumpee, they cant be friends like they used too shes clinging on in any possible way. In order for her to heal or even start because trust me she hasn't started she needs to be left alone, no contact all small glipses of hope for her removed so she can get over it. Edited October 27, 2015 by Omei
Author purplesoul Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Personally I think its horrid that your bf feels the need to update his ex about you regularly and share to her how he feels about you that isnt courtesy and it must kill her everytime to hear it thus the silence. Its not helping her at all to hear any of this. Why for what? what she needs no contact he needs no contact shes still very much in love and why wouldn't she be 5 years together and dumped by him. I spent 5 years with my last bf I still love/hate him three years of singlehood later people are right the feeling can't just vanish esp if she was the dumpee, they cant be friends like they used too shes clinging on in any possible way. In order for her to heal or even start because trust me she hasn't started she needs to be left alone, no contact all small glipses of hope for her removed so she can get over it. Hi there, thanks for response. He only updated her initially as she deleted him off Fb when he put a few pictures up and he just wanted to touch base. In the interim there were random messages here and there (around 5) however it's when she was coming to town that he let her know we were serious and he had tried to contact her before (in his eyes he thought this was the right thing things do) and a few more updates on work etc before he ended with look forward to seeing you when you get in and maybe we can all go out together and you can meet my lady ( in his defense he really believed that they could have maintained that friendship as they were bffs prior to dating) It's only now thag she reached out saying she didn't contact him while she was in town as she was disappointed he would to meet her one on one to repair their friendship. Thag it's only friendship she is after as she is very happy for him . He responded saying yes would like to maintain friendship but he doesn't feel it's right to meet exclusive of any current partner up until each respective partner feels comfortable. That and he s not sure what's wrong as they seemed fine before hand and suddenly she deleted him and went radio silent etc and she responded with she just wants to repair friendship. Nothing more nothing less and in the case he can't it speaks to trust issues between us (??). He then just said he just doesn't understand what there is to repair and is all okay? That he d endeavor to do the same for her partner as well (she is currently single I think) that he wants everything to be cool but that means he has to also make sure I feel in the loop etc and final response from her was " I just miss my best friends and we need to sort that out and it's awkward to do it with partners there as more attention would be on making sure they are comfortable. That and I am very happy for you etc..." So okay I probably did a horrible job of paraphrasing it but I think you can see what transpired (or an idea?). In fairness my boyfriend truly cares about her and in his ideal world, we could all get along (which I was fine with till all this!). Perhaps he shouldn't have gotten in to deep explaining us erc but I think in his mind he thought this would be the right thing for me to feel comfortable and for her to be aware and updated .. Not sure it's had the desired effect. Thing is she absolutely insists she only wanrs her friend. She doesn't seem like a vicious home wrecker from what I gather but I have no idea how she doesn't think it's odd to want to meet alone to repair and heal?! I feel like I sound obsessive but I just want to rextify all this in a way that is balanced and doesn't make me feel awkward/ her think only reason he won't reach out to her to heal their friendship because I'm jealous /insecure and him a way of seeing it for what it is( whatever that is!!)/ and of course prevent any unnecessary hurt we might be ( truly unintentional) be inflicting. Thank you agaib
Author purplesoul Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Actually, come to think of it, I think my boyfriend should have let her be once she deleted him off social media as opposed to trying to still be friends. Might have given her hope/unnecessary hurt. I really think he meant well but it certainly hasn't played oit well. I had tried to tell him previously that she probably isn't over it and to give her time but he insisted they had sworn to be firm friends and he couldn't let her down ( he carries guilt as well due to thinking he should have ended it earlier / she was there for him during a horrific period of his life / she used to be really meek and I think my heart of hearts he worries that she isn't okay). It's a combination of real care, guilt, not wanting to be the bad guy and I suppose insistence to "prove me wrong" that she feels the way he does ( their old friendship)
kendahke Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Actually, come to think of it, I think my boyfriend should have let her be once she deleted him off social media as opposed to trying to still be friends. This is your problem, not her. Him. He can't seem to let that go. Why is having her friendship so dang important to him that he can't catch a clue when he was deleted off of her social media? When someone deletes me off their social media, as Chazz Ellis says "peace sign, followed by the middle finger". I can understand that she didn't want to see on her timeline that he'd moved on, but I don't get why he's that dull that he can't take that hint.
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