cocorico Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Polygamy is one wife too many..... Monogamy is still one wife too many..... In Danish, the word for "married" (gift) also means poison. I don't think that's an accident. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 So it's not really a relationship with the mistress... It's just a sexual thing where your wife is the partner and the mistress is an outlet for sex? Nice try. OP states clearly I told her that I loved AP and asked her if we could find a space for her in our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I introduced the idea to my husband when he left to pursue his mistress. He shot it down. Of course he did. Your exhusband runs away from you, and has made it abundantly clear he wants nothing more to do with you. He loves his real wife. Why on earth would he agree to allow a ghost / nightmare into his conjugal bed? On a more general note - it's often assumed that this is a MM's wet dream, to have both the BW and the OW. As the OP stated, it relies on e BW and the OW being willing to accept "sharing", and relies on the BW and OW forming their own R (of whatever kind). This is not the norm. Most BW and most OW are not amenable to sharing (though some of those OW are willing to do so for a while, while the MM transitions from one R to the other). And few MM are comfortable integrating both worlds, bother personae, and both women, as is happening here. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 In Danish, the word for "married" (gift) also means poison. I don't think that's an accident. haha! same here... in Croatian, the word for "married" also means - tricked, robbed off of something. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 But yes, AP is in a more tenuous situation. . . but AP knew it was a gamble going into the relationship, she knew I was married, she knew I would only agree to a poly-type relationship (as opposed to leaving W). So you would never have left your wife for the OW? If your wife declined the poly relationship, would you have ended the affair? If your wife wanted to introduce a man or see another man for a physical relationship, would you be agreeable? If you refused and she insisted on it anyway, would you divorce her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 does that mean ending it with AP or ending it with the wife? it would mean ending it with AP do your AP & wife have a romantic/sexual relationship or is it a platonic type of intimate friendship? they have a sexual relationship but its not something they actively pursue often. Once in a while they have a private night together, and when we're all together they are intimate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 N2053: i have 2 questions if I may ask: 1- how long do you think/intend this relationship will last? 2- would you consider a male partner in a similar setup if your wife introduce a man she wants to have sex with? 1 - If it works for all three of us I intend it to last forever. 2 - No. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 But I'm curious to know what poly really means and looks like to you. Are you intentvon maintaining a hierarchy? What if in doing so you must acknowledge that your AP may not be able to meet her R needs within the limitations of your arrangement? Would you be willing to allow her to pursue those needs with other loves? If not, why not? You've aready established that you can love more than one person at a time... so this really should not threaten you. I never really had any concept of poly before this. We are three people in a closed, committed relationship, that's about as far as I could define it. No, I'm not willing to share either of them with someone else. Knowing them, I don't foresee this being an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 So you would never have left your wife for the OW? If your wife declined the poly relationship, would you have ended the affair? If your wife wanted to introduce a man or see another man for a physical relationship, would you be agreeable? If you refused and she insisted on it anyway, would you divorce her? No, I would not have left W for OW. Yes, if she declined I would have ended the affair. Re introducing another man - no, I wouldn't be agreeable. Yes, I would divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 they have a sexual relationship but its not something they actively pursue often. Once in a while they have a private night together, and when we're all together they are intimate. did they have any ladies experience before this? were they bisex or was this the first time for both of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 They each had one prior experience with a woman before they met each other... but this is definitely the most intimate and involved sexual relationship each of them have ever had with the same sex. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 1 - If it works for all three of us I intend it to last forever. 2 - No. They each had one prior experience with a woman before they met each other... but this is definitely the most intimate and involved sexual relationship each of them have ever had with the same sex. I don't see this as sustainable, sorry. This is all about you getting your needs met - you've stated that you won't afford the same to your W or OW if they wanted others - you're the only one who gets to choose. This creates a power imbalance that works in your favour only. It's just a matter of time, IMO, before one of your women recognises he unfairness and wants out. They've each previously had one prior same-sex experience. This suggests that they were open enough to try it, but didn't enjoy it enough to want to repeat it. And now, they're being compelled to - under duress (the threat of losing access to you). Again, once the reality of this settles, someone will object. Unless it's a kind of BDSM relationship where the slave is happy to have her master tell her who to have sex with, most women prefer to choose their own lovers rather than being paired up with some "sister-wife" for the "husband's" amusement. Either you've found two unicorns, or this is going to end badly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) You're way off the mark regarding their involvement with each other. No one is being compelled to be with anyone. I never asked or even suggested that they become intimate with one another. This is something that simply grew between them on their own. I'm glad that they are enjoying each other but whether they do or don't is entirely up to them. Edited October 27, 2015 by N2053 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 this got to be the weirdest affair story I've heard of. I can't see whether it would last or not because there is no similar cases i can based a judgment on. N2053:have you ever thought of a possibility of this relationship stopping at some point if one of you doesn't want it anymore? I know if OW pulls out of if it shouldn't be a problem but, what if your wife said enough of this and doesn't want you to see OW, are you still going to end it with OW? or is it different now? what if you are tired of it but they don't want to end it? how would you deal with this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 this got to be the weirdest affair story I've heard of. I can't see whether it would last or not because there is no similar cases i can based a judgment on. N2053:have you ever thought of a possibility of this relationship stopping at some point if one of you doesn't want it anymore? I know if OW pulls out of if it shouldn't be a problem but, what if your wife said enough of this and doesn't want you to see OW, are you still going to end it with OW? or is it different now? what if you are tired of it but they don't want to end it? how would you deal with this situation? If W said "enough" and that it had to end then, yes, it would have to end. Everyone involved understands this. In many ways she holds the keys to the whole thing and a lot depends on how she is feeling. I'm not sure re me being tired of it and them not wanting to stop. It's too new in many ways for me to even really wrap my head around those kinds of things, it's taking all my energy just to navigate through these first months. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I never really had any concept of poly before this. We are three people in a closed, committed relationship, that's about as far as I could define it. No, I'm not willing to share either of them with someone else. Knowing them, I don't foresee this being an issue. So you've established a few times now that you won't share... but have avoided explaining why. So I'll ask again... Why not? You yourself love more than one; and polyamory is literally many loves. What is it that makes you object so absolutely? Putting aside the premise that you don't forsee it being an issue, take the hypothetical leap. I think it's worth doing so as Rs/love don't always take the predictable trajectory. Which I'm sure your W can confirm! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 No, I'm not willing to share either of them with someone else. Knowing them, I don't foresee this being an issue. I don't see this as confidence. It's arrogance. Contrary to your belief, the time will eventually come when your playmates get bored with you and will seek out a new, more exciting, more attractive male partner. You think the need for variety is only a male trait? Just as you went seeking a new female partner, they may also seek a new male partner. Only an arrogant fool could not see this possibility. Once you start playing with fire, it's only a matter of time.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Yes, you may be right, I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 So you've established a few times now that you won't share... but have avoided explaining why. So I'll ask again... Why not? You yourself love more than one; and polyamory is literally many loves. What is it that makes you object so absolutely? I'm not sure there's any answer I could give you that would satisfy you. It looks to me from this and other responses like there's a preoccupation with the idea that if one person is willing to share, than all persons involved must also be willing to share due to the notion of "fairness". I get the logic of the principle, but I'm not sure logic has much of a place in these kinds of things. People do what they're comfortable with. No one should have to do anything romantically that they don't want to do out of some principle. If there comes a time when W or AP want to see other people, they can certainly leave me in the dust and go do so, fair or no. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 There are poly relationships where one person is monogamous and the other has one or more additional partners. There are as many possible arrangements as there are people and combinations - not everything has to be equal whatsoever, if the people involved are satisfied with the arrangement. Different people want and need different things. Thinking otherwise may come from looking through the polarized lenses of monogamy, which by convention has a more equal expectation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 + to central and N2053 above. I get this question a lot, and like N said, while I can appreciate the principles of consistency and fairness, relationships just don't always work like that. I have contradictory personal standards - I'm a female bisexual, but I wouldn't tolerate male bisexuality from my BF. I'm open on my end of my relationships, and while I allow and encourage that w/my GFs, I don't want my BF to do that. The point is just that no, it's not 'fair,' but I never maintained that it was or that fairness was some sort of guiding principal in my relationship life to begin with. The one thing everyone's free to do at all times is opt-out if they don't like the arrangements (or to not jump in to begin with). That's obvs their trump card that I can't control (and don't want to). But aside from that, my game, my rules, and I don't have any issues or guilt living that way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 OP, Do you offer any sort of guide or walkthrough that could help others create a similar situation for themselves? Perhaps an online tutorial? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 do you get involved with the other woman in anything other than sex? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I have contradictory personal standards - I'm a female bisexual, but I wouldn't tolerate male bisexuality from my BF. I'm open on my end of my relationships, and while I allow and encourage that w/my GFs, I don't want my BF to do that. same here! & i think it's lile that for a lot of people. it might not be fair but... you do what works for you. OP - i think it's important that you all know the rules. i assume you all talked about it but maybe you should sit down and talk about your wishes, expectations and such. and keep talkin about it every once in a while... just checking to see if you're all still on the same page. you have very firm opinions so i think that's a good start - everyone knows what to expect from you in every possible scenario. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 do you get involved with the other woman in anything other than sex? Yes, it's a full-on relationship... for all three of us. We all participate in each other's lives, we spend weekends together, our kids play with her kids, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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