ddlovexx Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) First of all, I want to say thanks for all the wonderful support I've gotten from this site in the past. Secondly, this post is going to warrant a "we told you so" so please try to refrain. I'm well aware that I did this to myself. It's time to go. It's been a year of off and on, wonderful dream-like highs followed by dirty, hurtful, emotional abuse. One week is amazing, the next is a whirlwind of pain. He is the most amazing man I've ever met and loved, and also the most hurtful. I don't think I can ever feel this way or give myself to a man this way ever again, nor can I imagine another man even touching my skin at this point without wanting to puke. He never stopped craigslisting girls behind my back. He would emotionally abuse me with his words. This last time he told me that "I'm not a good thing... I'm a child, I'm pathetic... Get the **** out" etc. I've heard it all before, followed by sorries and love that made me forget the hurt. But it's always just been a ticking clock. I've stayed with him the past three months while he lost his job. Still hasn't found another. I've given him any extra $ I have, help with the baby and clean the house and all that kinda stuff but he never appreciates it. I can't tell you the last night he hasn't been drunk, nevermind a night when he hasn't had a drink. Hes wonderful to his daughter and always takes care of himself. He used to be sweet and loving in the most wonderful of ways. I'd never had a man make me feel the way he did, I've never been as vulnerable. I've never been anywhere near as happy... Or as heartbroken. I'm just sick to my stomach at this point. You can look at my old posts to get an idea. He can be so wonderful and then so cruel. We are civil and he's actually still sweet to me. I love him to death and I know he loves me... But this can't work. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but does. I don't ask for his money or anything like that, I just want his love. But he won't even come to bed with me at 2am anymore, he just stays up drinking and falls asleep on the couch. I feel like a ghost writing this. I'm sick and incredibly hurt, so much so that I can't function like a normal human being. It's weird to write this. It's crushing to watch someone you love tear you down when all you long for is this amazing love you know that he is very capable of. But he says I'm too much. Too co-dependent. I go out with me friends 2x a week, go to class 2x a week, work 4-5 days a week. All I want is for him to give me affection. Is it too much to ask? I'm tired of apologizing for being who I am, for having needs. It's bull****. He only cares about his needs. It'll be a month before I can move out but it's fine living with him. I just can't imagine my life without him right now and I don't know how to go on... I just know I have to. I can't understand how a man can go from telling a woman that he wants to marry her, and then a month later can turn around and say he never wants to see her face again. I'm afraid the pain will never stop. I know there is no "the one" but he was that in a sense for me. I know I can probably find someone who fulfills my needs better, loves and respects me all that Jazz... I just don't feel like I'll ever love anyone the way I love him. I don't think I can ever feel this way again or even attempt to do this. It's a bad nightmare right now and I wanna wake up. Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. I don't regret a thing because I'm lucky to have felt such a wonderful love that I never thought possible. But losing it is also the worst pain I've ever felt. Please send love and positive vibes and help my way. I feel like I'm dying... Edited September 1, 2015 by ddlovexx
drseuss Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Imagine being with a man that puts as much in as you and that tells you how much he loves you and how amazing you are , someone that surprises you with nights out and makes you feel happy and loved, There is a man out there that will do all these things for you and you just havnt found him yet ,by staying with this guy who doesn't apriciate you ,you are denying yourself that dream It will be hard at first buy when , not if , when you come out the other side you will be a stronger and happier person 2
seasickpeeve Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 He doesn't sound like he's capable of love at the moment. You are doing a very brave thing by leaving someone you have such feelings for but its time for you to become selfish too. Its like sometimes a love can grow too strong, too intense that it becomes destructive. You could do with a calming, gentle, true love and definitely one that is reciprocated. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 He used to be so sweet. What in the world happened...
Ami1uwant Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Sorry to hear about this. "The one" doesn't exist. There are the many...
neowulf Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 First things first. You are in an abusive relationship. Extracting yourself from that situation should be your primary and ONLY concern. Once you've achieved that, you can begin the process of reflecting on the choices that lead you down this path and how you can best avoid them in future. I am deeply sorry for your pain and mistreatment. Part of me dies a little inside everytime I hear these stories. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 First things first. You are in an abusive relationship. Extracting yourself from that situation should be your primary and ONLY concern. Once you've achieved that, you can begin the process of reflecting on the choices that lead you down this path and how you can best avoid them in future. I am deeply sorry for your pain and mistreatment. Part of me dies a little inside everytime I hear these stories. Exactly. Get as far away from this man as possible. He isn't capable to sustained, healthy love. You very much need to stop telling yourself he is. It's simply not true, as demonstrated by his repeated mistreatment of you. He doesn't love you, sweetie. You will find a far greater man someday. You can't see it yet because you're still in the fog of this toxic relationship, which is normal. But you will someday see it. And your future self will thank you for doing so, Stay strong, OP. This clown is a sick person and not worth your tears. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Why can't I see it???? I just see him as the loving man he CAN be when he WANTS to...
mrldii Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Why can't I see it???? I just see him as the loving man he CAN be when he WANTS to... Oh. So, he's not really a "loving man"; his capacity for/to love comes with an 'on/off' switch. Get out. Part of the abuser's bag of tricks to do it successfully is to throw little crumbs your way to keep you hooked. Best to go cold-turkey. Best of luck to you, OP...
ivionthenet Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 What you are going through is the hardest thing ever. What is happening in your life right now is going to keep happening to you over and over again unless you break the cycle. Breaking the cycle means leaving him and then getting professional help to help you understand why you choose to be with such a man. As you said you had the choice to be with nice guys who would have given you everything. So why aren't you with mr nice guy? why do you choose to suffer? what he does to you happens because you let it happen. You actively participate in this life. Don't you want more? Working these things out can be very hard, and talking to a shrink might help you tonnes...it helped me to get through my break up.
Author ddlovexx Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Don't think I can afford it at this point. I'm not sure how I'm even going to afford my new apartment...and because I loved this Man but couldn't feel anything for the "better" men. Heart wants what it wants...
neowulf Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Don't think I can afford it at this point. I'm not sure how I'm even going to afford my new apartment...and because I loved this Man but couldn't feel anything for the "better" men. Heart wants what it wants... Move back with family. Move in with friends short term. Contact a womens shelter. There are many options. The single biggest hurdle for you though, is accepting the reality of the situation. This man does not love you. He is abusive. Your brain is hooked on a chemical process. Your feelings have been high jacked and you can't depend on them to do what's good for you. No one can make you take the step, but you need to understand something. He is *not* going to change. He is going to continue this pattern for as long as you accept it. He will use you up, have you waste the best years of your life. In the end you will be left broken, empty and with nothing. You MUST decide what kind of future you want for yourself. No on here can make that choice for you. You deserve someone who'll treat you with respect and love. I hope that you can search your feelings and find the courage to do what needs to be done. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 I'm feeling so broken. I can't believe its really over. My chest hurts so badly... I just want the pain to stop. I wish I didn't love him so I wouldn't have to be going through this. I never want to date again. I hate myself. Every horrible feeling possible, I'm feeling it. I wish I could go to sleep and stay that way... </3
MidwestUSA Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I'm feeling so broken. I can't believe its really over. My chest hurts so badly... I just want the pain to stop. I wish I didn't love him so I wouldn't have to be going through this. I never want to date again. I hate myself. Every horrible feeling possible, I'm feeling it. I wish I could go to sleep and stay that way... </3 No no no. Repeat after me. I WILL get thru this. I AM worthy of love and respect. I AM allowed to feel sad. I DO NOT hate myself. I AM a survivor. Keep your mind and body busy with other things. Reach out to friends. Pamper yourself. This WILL pass, hang in there. 4
neowulf Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I'm feeling so broken. I can't believe its really over. My chest hurts so badly... I just want the pain to stop. I wish I didn't love him so I wouldn't have to be going through this. I never want to date again. I hate myself. Every horrible feeling possible, I'm feeling it. I wish I could go to sleep and stay that way... </3 Post here as often as you want or need. The people on this site have been through a lot and have a lot of compassion. I'm sorry for your pain. I am. Few things in life hurt more than a broken heart. But in the long run, this man, he was HURTING you. He wasn't giving you what you need or want. You deserve better than that. Love doesn't have to hurt. Receiving it doesn't have to leave you emotionally bankrupt. It hurts now, it will for a while, but stay strong.
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I'm afraid the pain will never stop. I know there is no "the one" but he was that in a sense for me. I know I can probably find someone who fulfills my needs better, loves and respects me all that Jazz... I just don't feel like I'll ever love anyone the way I love him. I don't think I can ever feel this way again or even attempt to do this. It's a bad nightmare right now and I wanna wake up. That's true, you won't. You'll love a different person in a different way. It will be just as meaningful and profound, but different. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Hey there, gonna try to keep this as short as possible but you know how that goes... I move into my new apartment on Nov. 30th. I'm staying with him until then. He's been mostly super sweet and acts like we're together but we both know it's over. In short, for the better half of the last year he's been emotionally and verbally abusive, and also very very loving. Extremes, you know. He broke up with me last weekend when I was home for a friends wedding, told me I was crazy, etc... It was kinda ridiculous. All in all I'm mostly excited. I'm excited for my new apartment and my new space and being able to be myself again. I moved here (Nashville) to work on a music career. He thinks it's dumb and not a real job and even if I was successful and got to touring and all that, he doesn't want that life for him and his daughter (she's 2.5 years, I'm basically "mom"). I waitress and make a good amount of money and I actually just got a new gig that I'll be making more money at. That's notgood enough for him, it's not a "real job". I told him I'm planning to go back to school but I had to be in TN a year for me to get in state tuition. He's been out of a job for 4 months and just got one... And he's not even sure he wants to keep it. He's 31 and I'm 24 going on 25. He wants to work towards a house (as do I) and he says that all I care about is recording my EP (it's not all I care about but it's super important to me and will take only 4 recording sessions over the duration of a couple months). So last night he asked me what was wrong, I told him he already knew the answer to that. He said he loves me and doesn't like seeing me upset, to talk to him please. I told him I know it's over but I've spent the most of the last year sharing a life with him and can't imagine not doing so. You know, even stupid little things like grocery shopping and the bars we go to... At first the convo was fine and he was nice and then all of a sudden it turned into "you don't have your **** together, you don't have a real job, you are only going back to school and changing your life bc we broke up and now you won't be living here, you should've done this while we were together, you think you love me but you don't know what love is, etc..." And all I could think was I'M the one who doesn't know what love is??? Isn't it somewhat hipocritical to tell me I don't have it together when you've been unemployed for 4 months, I stuck with you and helped financially, and you don't even know if you wanna keep this job? But you want a house? What does it matter what I do for work if I'm happy and making money? I'm not gonna be a waitress forever. I pretty much told him all those things and he would come up with something like "you're lying, that's not accurate, that's not the same thing" and I'm just at a loss here. I started crying and he just walked away. Deep down I know we shouldn't be together. I want a partner and someone who handles my heart with care all the time, not just when he feels like it. Someone who wants to go on this journey with me and thinks I'm great. I left all my family and friends to come here and do this music thing, and even if I dont "make it" I'm sure as hell gonna give it my best shot. At the end of the day, I've never shared my life with someone this way. I know someone can and will love me the way I deserve but I don't think I'll ever love someone the way I love him. I've grown to unconditionally love him, he just plain ol loves me. He's been both wonderful to me but also completely AWFUL (lying, cheating, screaming and verbal and emotional abuse). I think he has NPD because in general he's so negative and can't be bothered with people and thinks everyone and everything is stupid. I finally told all my friends and family so they are on board and I don't get weak and try to make this stupid thing work again. And I know when I move out I'll be busy and it'll take time but I'll see the truth for what it is... But I feel so ****ty after the way he put me down last night... Edited October 26, 2015 by ddlovexx
kendahke Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 And he's an ingrate on top of everything else. Is his daughter your child, too? You don't need a man who berates you, tears down your dreams, spits on your time table of how you're going to accomplish your goals. Do your music. Go record your EP. If that is your dream, then pursue it while youth is on your side. Don't apologize to anyone or be made to feel ashamed for wanting to express yourself creatively. As far as this: I don't think I'll ever love someone the way I love him. Maybe you'll find someone whose love for you surpasses everything you've experienced so far with this dolt. Maybe you'll find someone who believes in you and that will make all the difference in the world. Let go of this mindset--it stops the universe from sending the right one to you when you keep making room for what doesn't work. And write a song about this!!!! 2
xcupid Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Follow your dreams. Stay strong. You know what you want and need in a partner and a relationship to be happy. Lose this loser or he will drag you down. Good luck with your music career!
Author ddlovexx Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Thank you. No she's not my daughter but in a sense I've become the closest thing to "mom" since I've been with him and living with him for most of the relationship. He wants me to succeed... As long as I'm not dating him. It's weird. He keeps saying "you'll be happier this way" (broken up) and I know that rationally at some point I will be happier, but it also sounds like a cop out. Just because I know we shouldn't be together doesn't mean I don't love him and that I'm not going to struggle with this. I know he loves me but I don't think he knows what healthy love is. And he keeps saying dumb **** like "you just think you love me". He's 31 years old, GROW UP. He doesn't know what I'm feeling of going through and I'm so tired of him telling me he does. Why does he always feel the need to tell me all of my flaws??? Edited October 26, 2015 by ddlovexx
kendahke Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Sounds like he's projecting. Probably is a defense mechanism. His problem to work out. What's the story surrounding why he's not with his babymama raising their child?
Author ddlovexx Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 She was an ex and he didn't even know she was pregnant until the baby was born. She was on drugs and he got full custody right away and she went to jail.
Author ddlovexx Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, I know a couple have probably followed my story, but here's the beginning of the end. Originally we broke up (he fought and broke up with me through text two weeks ago when I was home for a friends wedding. Probably so he could have another woman while I was gone) and I was going to stay at his place until I could move into my new apartment in November. But he's psychotic and I had to get out. Long story short, he didn't want to be with me because I'm pursuing music, I don't have a "real job" (he's been unemployed for four months until now and I work two waitressing gigs), I'm "needy and annoying" among some other crazy things... But the truth is that for the past year I continued to stay in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. This man would tell me he loved me, and it would be followed by yelling, name-calling, extremely cruel words, he tried to kick me out of his house, etc. It was bad. He never hit me, but he might as well have. He had also cheated a couple times but pretended otherwise. I hid it from everyone. I told everyone he was a wonderful man. After all, I love him... He's not a monster right? I would research NPD and all the signs of emotional abuse (like gasligting) and as it all matched up I would just convince myself that he was different, and I wasn't that girl. He freaked out on me through text while I was WORKING the other night. I couldn't even tell you the real reason because I don't know, but he said some absolutely terrible things. Then he told me to get my **** out in the morning (I was already planning on it anyway) and get out. He has a two year old daughter and kept using her against me. I'm staying with a friend but had to have another friend watch my sweet cat until I can get into my apartment. He kept asking me to leave the cat one more night so the baby could say goodbye. I said if I do that then I'm getting half of my stuff today and half tomorrow so I don't have to kill myself with 2-3 car trips. He wouldn't allow it. I said well if you can't compromise then too bad. He tried to tell me I was hurting the baby because of him and that wasn't fair, that I didn't love her etc. It's ridiculous. SHES 2. She'll forget about it real soon. He kept saying all this stuff about her being more important to me and him trying to do the right thing. For the first time??? Now??? What about doing the right thing for the past year. F off. I got all my stuff while he was at work. I couldn't get the cats big tree which he knows doesn't fit in my car. About 7pm last night I got a text that said "Really you left his tree here?? You ****ing piece of **** now she's really upset". He continued to send me a couple more cruel texts about how awful I am but I blocked his number after that. I'd been called things like that too many times and I've had enough. He then sent me an email saying if I ever come near him again, he's calling the cops... like I'M the scary one?! I LOL'd and ignored it. I really did love this man but I have no intentions of ever speaking to or seeing him again. He's not a good man or a good person. I think he may actually be emotionally retarded. He definitely has some form of NPD and he's psychotic in a couple ways. I'm safe with my friend. I told my family and friends and the support has been overwhelming. I'm hurting and can't really imaging my life without him but for the first time I'm also done and ready to move on and I feel GOOD. So here's to day one. Here's to movin on. If you're in the same position, PLEASE GET OUT. If I can do it, you can. And thanks LS community for always being here. Xo Edited November 3, 2015 by ddlovexx 2
Author ddlovexx Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Hey, So I guess I'm doing better than I thought. I haven't really cried yet. He's back on OKC though. So was I nothing? He used to say he wanted to marry me. I know it was a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship that I don't need or want to be in but... Am I nothing? I lived with him for a year for christs sake. Ugh. I'm disgusted. I'm sad. I miss him. I know I'll be okay but right now I want to puke... P.S. I've been on OKC for a year solely just to meet friends since I'm semi new to the area. I've actually met a couple Gf's and one nice guy friend. The thought of a relationship at this point is pretty much unimaginable...
CalvinM Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Why are you worrying about what he's doing? Focus on you. If you're not ready to date, don't date. If you're on okcupid to check on him, that's not nc. 1
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