Author tuxedo cat Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I've heard guys complaining about women who just want to chat endlessly without setting up a date but I feel like I'm in the same position. Currently chatting with 6 or 7 guys, some of which started conversations with me yesterday and only one has asked me on a date. Is this typical? All these guys messaged me first. This feels like way too much work to meet some strangers I may not even click with. Also, a few of the dudes who messaged me first let our conversations die for no apparent reason.
CalvinM Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Yes, it is. Women flake online just as much as men and with all the creeps online, they're probably trying to find an in to ask for your number to make plans. Either that, or they're chicken****. That said, if you like some of these guys, why don't you ask them out?
gaius Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 If you're still depressed you might be giving off vibes that you're not that into it. Which would make them hesitant to ask you out. Who really knows though. =/ It could be anything. You can never know for sure if it even had anything to do with you. That line about eating junk food if you don't answer him was hilarious. 1
joseb Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Ladies - is it even worth bothering with the much younger dudes? I'm getting messaged by some under 25 and feel like it's a waste of time. I put my cut off as 27 so I don't understand why they're messaging. Depends - if you are DTF then yes - not that all younger guys messaging older women are just after that, but the ones I know doing it are.
joseb Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I finally responded to a handful of the messages. And 3 of the six guys I was talking to just disappeared from the conversation. None of them asked me out. These were guys I had a lot in common with who had sent me intelligent messages. What gives? It's not like I was being idiotic or weird in my responses. Just normal, and I took interest in what they were saying. Like why bother initiating a message if your interest is so low that you're going to let the conversation die? I could see if I sent them the first message, but this is weird. What kind of messages did you send? Were you being a bit funny/flirty, or more factual.
joseb Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Doesn't Tinder solve this problem since you have to swipe right on them before they can message you? Not saying Tinder is perfect but at least you won't be swamped with messages. Assuming you don't swipe right on too many guys... Yip, Tinder had a great solution. Unfortunately, too many people abuse it by swiping on everything. Luckily Tinder are addressing this (among other things, people doing this now get fewer/worse matches) .
joseb Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Consider yourself lucky. Any man would be thrilled to get those results. That's about a 4% success rate--in two days. The percentage for men isn't any better, except we get a tiny trickle of responses compared to women so getting two decent responses might take months if not years (or for many guys, never). I was on OKCupid for about four years. I have nice pictures and a good profile so women regularly contacted me. Not one of them, in four years, was what I found attractive. I ended up meeting a total of four women in four years (all of whom I initiated contact with) and none of them went anywhere. Been using OKC on and off for a few years. Have yet to meet someone from that site...and yes, I've been message a bit, and not one of them I found attractive. Literally not one.
CalvinM Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 The drawbacks with okcupid are that it's free, so anyone can message you. If you have the time to wade through profiles and message ppl you're interested in, it's not so bad. I don't find the match % very relevant. I met a 98% match and she wasn't what I was looking for in a date. I'm currently seeing someone who was a low 70% match, but has a lot of attributes I look for, etc. There are also a lot of ppl on there just looking to have casual relationships/threesomes or are married and seeing multiple ppl on the side. It's a mixed bag. I do find the more expanded profile helpful, but even then it still only scratches the surface. Connections are forged in person, not over a computer screen.
lino Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Fair bit of action for just two days use. Clearly this online dating stuff is slanted towards one gender. I'd be making the most of it if I was you. Dating men costs nothing and so long as you meet in public places, danger is low. Meeting people takes initiative, much more than just sitting back and waiting for Mr perfect to email you in under 48 hours!
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Clearly this online dating stuff is slanted towards one gender. Dating men costs nothing Yes, as you point out, real life dating is slanted too.
SwordofFlame Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I finally responded to a handful of the messages. And 3 of the six guys I was talking to just disappeared from the conversation. None of them asked me out. These were guys I had a lot in common with who had sent me intelligent messages. What gives? It's not like I was being idiotic or weird in my responses. Just normal, and I took interest in what they were saying. Like why bother initiating a message if your interest is so low that you're going to let the conversation die? I could see if I sent them the first message, but this is weird. As for why guys disappear, they probably found better match or matches than you. I think most guys (myself included) send a lot of messages to women that we have even the slightest bit of interest in. I then narrow it down after reading through their profile and questions more carefully a 2nd time after I get a response. That's okc for ya. You really need to have zero expectations until you've made it past at least a few dates. Otherwise you risk being disappointed or let down repeatedly. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I have never managed more than 24 hours on tinder without deleting my profile. The sleaze of tinder is . 9/10 guys I "swipe" "swiped" me too and are sending "wanna cum 2 my place" messages. Same thing happened with POF The sheer volume of low quality messages... I only use OKC - it's the least sleazy free site and my interest in dating is too low for a payed site.
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 What kind of messages did you send? Were you being a bit funny/flirty, or more factual. Depends on the question I got. I was definitely flirty/funny with some of my responses but if they ask me a more serious question like why I got into my profession, they get a more serious answer. It's frustrating because when I joined OKCupid briefly a few years ago in another city it felt like guys put more thought into their messages and they wouldn't dip out of conversations as often. Maybe in NY they simply have too many options.
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Also - I live in NYC as I said but it seems like there are only a couple of hundred men showing up having over 90% match rating with me. Is that typical? My responses to OKC's questions are pretty standard.
Miss Peach Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 With OLD I think it works best when you get offline ASAP. I set up a google voice number that can be changed and try to set up a phone chat within a few messages. That saves from the endless emails when we might not even be able to have a decent conversation. If the phone call goes well usually the guy asks for a date by the end of the call. I have the best luck on OKC. I have tried the other free and a few paid sites and the results were worse. 1
Single2007 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 With OLD I think it works best when you get offline ASAP. I set up a google voice number that can be changed and try to set up a phone chat within a few messages. That saves from the endless emails when we might not even be able to have a decent conversation. If the phone call goes well usually the guy asks for a date by the end of the call. I have the best luck on OKC. I have tried the other free and a few paid sites and the results were worse. That's kind of what I am doing now with someone. It's been two days of texting only which is fine if I'm meeting the person rather quickly (tomorrow) and we decided if we hit it off, we get off the site. If we don't hit it off, whatever. Not many people agree to that, she did. I like that. The constant problem I was having was people who freak out over the idea of dating one person at a time while staying off the site. "Exclusive" does not have to be this giant ordeal many make it out to be. Instead, you are focusing on one person, not going back to the site to chat with 10 others and now things can be on a more natural and personal level. That's what I expect being 40 and "old school". We both agreed that some call that clingy or whatever but if you hit it off, why wouldn't you want to be off the site, right? Not to mention, I'm not messing around when I get the good feeling that the other person isn't there for a hookup. 1
kpl Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 I live in NYC and everyone I know is on TINDER. I think this will probably make more sense than OK Cupid. I know many ppl who used to do OK Cupid but moved on to TINDER or do both. I've met a lot of guys on TINDER who were interested in getting to know me and met my current guy on there. I think if you log on to TINDER you will notice many of the same ppl on both and NYC has so many more ppl TINDER.
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 I live in NYC and everyone I know is on TINDER. I think this will probably make more sense than OK Cupid. I know many ppl who used to do OK Cupid but moved on to TINDER or do both. I've met a lot of guys on TINDER who were interested in getting to know me and met my current guy on there. I think if you log on to TINDER you will notice many of the same ppl on both and NYC has so many more ppl TINDER. How does Tinder work exactly? How do you make sure guys aren't just out for sex - weed out the DTF guys?
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 How does Tinder work exactly? How do you make sure guys aren't just out for sex - weed out the DTF guys? The same way you do with any other dating site. Read what they wrote, exchange some messages, meet up and chat. And hope they were honest!!! 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 So I realized that my profile was accidentally only showing one photo! I uploaded three more and now I'm receiving much better messages at a higher volume. Still a lot of garbage but at least there are some good ones in the mix. I'm trying to be picky - although the chatting foreplay is tedious, it's been useful in revealing some dealbreakers. I have three dates lined up for next week, but may cancel one with a guy who seems like he may be only after something casual. 1
edgygirl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I met cool men on okcupid, had a few relationships with good potential. The guys I get interested in are usually 1 out of 200 messages. I am much much pickier than in the past and can also detect easily who's not remotely a match. I'd say I answer 1 out of 100 messages in average. I feel though, that in my new age group (35-50), and especially 42-48 which is my main age target, the men who seem left online end up being on the creepy side or have emotional issues... but you can only tell after a month dating as they seem completely normal at first and looking for love, etc. Although I always got messages from the men I liked in my age group, I'm a little discouraged lately by what's available out there, and froze my profile for a while. 2
kpl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 How does Tinder work exactly? How do you make sure guys aren't just out for sex - weed out the DTF guys? Like another poster said, I think most guys who want sex up front on TINDER will let you know in their messages. Most men assume most women don't just want to hook up so the ones who want just sex will be more straightforward. OLD is notorious for ppl looking to hook up in general, I disagree that TINDER is a solely a hook up site. 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I met cool men on okcupid, had a few relationships with good potential. The guys I get interested in are usually 1 out of 200 messages. I am much much pickier than in the past and can also detect easily who's not remotely a match. I'd say I answer 1 out of 100 messages in average. I feel though, that in my new age group (35-50), and especially 42-48 which is my main age target, the men who seem left online end up being on the creepy side or have emotional issues... but you can only tell after a month dating as they seem completely normal at first and looking for love, etc. Although I always got messages from the men I liked in my age group, I'm a little discouraged lately by what's available out there, and froze my profile for a while. That sounds about right. I've had my profile up for I think five days now and received about 200 messages. Most of them are garbage and I set up a filter so that guys who have a lower than 70% match rating or are judged as below average by other women don't make it through. I know that sounds harsh but I'm pretty flexible with looks. I'd actually prefer to be with an average looking guy. It's just that I find that the attractiveness rating is really well correlated with the overall content of a guy's profile. There are lots of hot guys who are rated below average because they sound like tools in their writing. Out of those 200 messages, there are maybe 15 that I responded to. Some of those I let die after looking more carefully at the guy's profile. A few the guys let die. Then there were others where I saw some potential but one niggling fact really concerned me - too young, too casual, has a kid. Finally, that left about 4 guys who looked even slightly promising. And even most of those each have things that concern me - one guy's strongest personality trait was "less compassionate"...another wrote on his profile he just got out of a long term relationship and isn't looking to jump into anything super serious...another seems a little pompous. I think there was only one dude who had no obvious dealbreakers. So 1 out of 200. And who knows if we'll even click in person.
Jejangles Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 That sounds about right. I've had my profile up for I think five days now and received about 200 messages. Most of them are garbage and I set up a filter so that guys who have a lower than 70% match rating or are judged as below average by other women don't make it through. I know that sounds harsh but I'm pretty flexible with looks. I'd actually prefer to be with an average looking guy. It's just that I find that the attractiveness rating is really well correlated with the overall content of a guy's profile. There are lots of hot guys who are rated below average because they sound like tools in their writing. Out of those 200 messages, there are maybe 15 that I responded to. Some of those I let die after looking more carefully at the guy's profile. A few the guys let die. Then there were others where I saw some potential but one niggling fact really concerned me - too young, too casual, has a kid. Finally, that left about 4 guys who looked even slightly promising. And even most of those each have things that concern me - one guy's strongest personality trait was "less compassionate"...another wrote on his profile he just got out of a long term relationship and isn't looking to jump into anything super serious...another seems a little pompous. I think there was only one dude who had no obvious dealbreakers. So 1 out of 200. And who knows if we'll even click in person. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on personality characteristics (e.g. "less compassionate) until you meet the guys. I do find OkCupid's match rating to be fairly accurate - if I were to look back, I generally hit it off with guys in the 70% to 85% range. Those with a higher match are almost too similar to me it seems. However, some will have a low match just because they haven't bothered to answer many questions, so do check those under 70% people. Also, try to be a little open minded about who you meet. I have met three guys over the years who I really liked in person, and I was not overly impressed by or interested in any of their profiles before meeting. I am going on a date with a guy this week-end who I messaged only because his profile was well written, I didn't love his photos. Anyway, he walked up (and this almost never happens) and he was cuter than his photos, and also taller! We have hit it off pretty well and had a few dates now. I never would have guessed how much I would like him from his profile. The profile is there to help catch your eye and get you on dates! The real magic starts when you are in person dating.
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I wouldn't put too much emphasis on personality characteristics (e.g. "less compassionate) until you meet the guys. I do find OkCupid's match rating to be fairly accurate - if I were to look back, I generally hit it off with guys in the 70% to 85% range. Those with a higher match are almost too similar to me it seems. However, some will have a low match just because they haven't bothered to answer many questions, so do check those under 70% people. Also, try to be a little open minded about who you meet. I have met three guys over the years who I really liked in person, and I was not overly impressed by or interested in any of their profiles before meeting. I am going on a date with a guy this week-end who I messaged only because his profile was well written, I didn't love his photos. Anyway, he walked up (and this almost never happens) and he was cuter than his photos, and also taller! We have hit it off pretty well and had a few dates now. I never would have guessed how much I would like him from his profile. The profile is there to help catch your eye and get you on dates! The real magic starts when you are in person dating. Thanks for this comment. It's made me rethink my approach. A few years ago I set up an Okcupid account for a few weeks when I was living in a much smaller city. There was only one guy near me who caught my eye. We had a really high match rating, like 97%, and his profile was pretty flawless. He seemed extremely interested in his messages to me. Well, we met and he was really shy like me but also turned out to be a cad. We slept together on our second date (I know it was a mistake) and then he disappeared and never responded to my messages. It's possible that I'm not that great at judging guys by their profiles so I'm going to go back and see if there's any I missed. What was your experience with the guys who had higher match ratings?
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