tuxedo cat Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 32 F here living in NYC. I published an account on OKCupid two days ago. In that time I've received 65 messages and only 2 have been decent matches. I'm really frustrated because I'm not exaggerating when I say that most of the messages are beyond terrible and usually from guys with less than 70% match rating. Here are some real examples: "Wanna hang and get baked" "You better respond to me or I'll eat junk food and get fat" "Letsss hang" (sent by a guy who was naked in his photo except for a guitar slung across his crotch). Very few reference anything in my profile or make any attempt at conversation. Is this a typical experience? Also what's the deal with women messaging men - is that something I should try, or is it seen as aggressive? I feel like that might be a better way for me to find a suitable match but I don't want to come on too strong. Also - I get way, way more likes than messages. Why do guys like and not message?
Truth34 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I'm cracking up. Being a dude, I cannot say if that is normal or not. On my end, I get liked by people I have literally 0 attraction to and messaged by the same. Although I have a date lined up tomorrow night from a girl on OKC, and another one I am in the process of playfully getting to txt me. 65 different people in two days, huh. I think I've probably held a conversation with four people so far, and I started my account in August. BTW, yes by all means message a dude. Coming on too strong? What did you open your account for? To date, so send the message! 1
SugarLips72 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Welcome to the world of Online dating. If the responses are that bad just delete and block. A lot of guys on there just to get laid or are just checking it out and are curious. It's only the first day. Someone normal is bound to message you 1
SugarLips72 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 As far as the likes or winks, I hate those. If a guy is too lazy or shy to message I'd rather him not be able to "like" me. A lot of those guys I noticed are scammers and out of state or country. They send a like and hope the gullible woman will reach out to them. See if there is a way to go to settings and block the winks or likes, or at least block people from outside a certain radius of a zip code. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I definitely recommend messaging the guys! With online dating, i do send quite a few messages with few replies, and when i do get replies the women are so fed up it is hard to have a decent conversation and or they are not really that into me but just being polite. It is all very dreary and boring ..... Yaaaawwn When a woman messages me, i definitely spring to life from my slumber, sit up and take notice!! 2
Jejangles Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Yes, that's normal. You will likely find you get a big rush of those types of messags because you are "fresh meat", it should die down after a few days. You will likely always get more garbage messages than good ones, but you can improve your odds on receiving messages from people of interest. My favourite way to use OkCupid is the Quickmatch feature. I go on and "like" a bunch of guys, some of them "like" me back, and some then message me. I would say about 80% of my dates over the last few months have been through that feature. I think guys like it because they know you have at least some interest in them, so it's more worth their energy to send a message. I did a test the other day to see what sort of response I would get to messages I initiated. I sent four and got one response, but it seemed like a "polite" response (he just responded to some questions I asked but didn't keep the conversation going). I usually don't bother initiating messages, I don't really find I need to, but I guess women (or at least this one woman!) don't have a better reply rate than men. 1
joseb Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 "You better respond to me or I'll eat junk food and get fat" I don't see anything wrong with that - it's obviously just light hearted and a bit funny. A lot better than 'hey, what's up'. I used to try to message using something in the profile, but I found that this rarely got a response, probably because 90% of guys were doing the same thing. For me the the best response rate was if I sent something random and silly.
Amalyn Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 This is the exact reason I gave up on online dating. And quite frankly, I don't miss it! 65 messages in two days seems about par for the course. And the context of the messages is spot on too. I, too, was on okCupid and had the same issue. You could message guys, but I found I never got many responses and was better to just weed through the ones that messaged me. The Quickmatch feature is the best tool to use on OKCupid
Erik30 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You get a lot of likes because of that "Tinder feature" on OKC, where you can swipe pictures. At first I didn't even realize people would get a notication if I liked them using that feature. (Because in Tinder it only happens when you have a match) Messaging a guy doesn't matter if he likes you. When I was still using OKC there were a couple of girls who wrote me first but I wasn't interested in them. The fact that they wrote me first had nothing to do with it
veggirl Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Ignore the messages that come to you and just take the initiative to message people you are interested in. Seriously 1
kendahke Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Welcome to the effery that is OKCupid. Either they're looking to get laid or they're catfish with stolen pictures living in Ghana. If you do find one, he's half a nerve away from melting down into an emotional mess. That was my experience. It's really quite rare to find a match. Tip: copy and paste their profile into google to make sure they're not a catfish.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 After being on and off OKC for years, I just learned to tune out terrible messages as background noise. Most of my inbox (80-90%) has unopened messages because I can see from a combo of thumbnail pic+first line of msg+age+match% that the guy is "HELL NO". I got burnt out from being too generous with meeting up in the past. I now ONLY meet guys that don't raise any major flags and we have a decent messaging rapport. I only met 4 guys in the past year, but all 4 were datable (and as you know I dated one for months and we are sort of on off now). Out of all my time on OLD, the best guys I met were the ones I messaged first. 1
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 In that time I've received 65 messages and only 2 have been decent matches. So that's 2 good matches in 2 days. Pretty good going I'd say! When are you going to meet up with them?
Lois_Griffin Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Welcome to the LOSER parade. Back when I was doing OLD, just a general search within a 20 mile radius of my area for men in my age range (5 years older or younger than my age) netted results I fondly referred to as "The Parade of the Damned." It was an unattractive mix of overweight, tattooed, skulleted bikers, men over 50 recently divorced from their 30-something wives and who now had a bunch of kids under the age of 6, and men who had NOT aged well at all and looked like my grandfather. Blech. It's definitely not for the weak-willed or feint of heart.
xcupid Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Be selective. Ditch the throwbacks. Go after men you're interested in. What you're experiencing is, sadly, normal with online dating. 1
bulldog9 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I also live in NYC and have been using OKC for a few years on and off, I have actually had quite a few relationships come out of it, though some of these guys turned out to be not what I thought in the end (I guess my only thread on here sums that up, haha). That sounds about right for the amount of responses you are receiving with almost none you are interested in, you should definitely message the guys. Most of the men that send messages are copying and pasting same message to anyone they click on, so if they actually send a personalized message and mention something from your profile or are funny and you have a good message rapport, they might be a little more genuine. One major red flag is also when a guy barely has anything in his profile. Or if their biggest personality trait is 'more sex-driven'. Believe that (and stay away unless thats all you are looking for). If they are too lazy to fill out their profile, then they are probably not interested in actually meeting (or are just looking for sex). I think OKC might be great in other cities, because it attracts somewhat less sketchy guys than Tinder or some of the other popular dating apps/sites. I have heard from a bunch of people in other states that seem amazing, but then when I look at their location it's usually California! So I think OKC is great if you are in CA But in NYC, there are so many more women than men, so guys know they have a million options and a lot of them are just doing dating like they would window shopping. So if someone catches your eye, I don't see anything wrong with initiating contact, I have done it on occasion and have usually heard back. But take it all with a grain of salt because for every decent guy on there, there are about 100 others that will creep you out or be flaky 1
antonio1149 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 32 F here living in NYC. I published an account on OKCupid two days ago. In that time I've received 65 messages and only 2 have been decent matches. I'm really frustrated because I'm not exaggerating when I say that most of the messages are beyond terrible and usually from guys with less than 70% match rating. Consider yourself lucky. Any man would be thrilled to get those results. That's about a 4% success rate--in two days. The percentage for men isn't any better, except we get a tiny trickle of responses compared to women so getting two decent responses might take months if not years (or for many guys, never). I was on OKCupid for about four years. I have nice pictures and a good profile so women regularly contacted me. Not one of them, in four years, was what I found attractive. I ended up meeting a total of four women in four years (all of whom I initiated contact with) and none of them went anywhere. Research has shown that almost everyone chases after those who are in the top 20% in looks. By all means, contact men you find appealing, but keep in mind that if you're a 5 or 6 and regularly contact men who are 8 or 9, your response rate probably won't be great. Or, you'll get responses, but they'll be guys who are just looking to get some "needs met" while they hold out for their 8/9 female equivalents, which are rare.
SwordofFlame Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Doesn't Tinder solve this problem since you have to swipe right on them before they can message you? Not saying Tinder is perfect but at least you won't be swamped with messages. Assuming you don't swipe right on too many guys... 1
Sunberry Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 32 F here living in NYC. I published an account on OKCupid two days ago. In that time I've received 65 messages and only 2 have been decent matches. I'm really frustrated because I'm not exaggerating when I say that most of the messages are beyond terrible and usually from guys with less than 70% match rating. Here are some real examples: "Wanna hang and get baked" Honestly if a decent looking guy asked me to hang out and get baked I would do it. You talk about so much when your're high, it's awesome lol. "You better respond to me or I'll eat junk food and get fat" That's weird... "Letsss hang" (sent by a guy who was naked in his photo except for a guitar slung across his crotch). And that's disturbing Very few reference anything in my profile or make any attempt at conversation. Is this a typical experience? Also what's the deal with women messaging men - is that something I should try, or is it seen as aggressive? I feel like that might be a better way for me to find a suitable match but I don't want to come on too strong. Also - I get way, way more likes than messages. Why do guys like and not message? Women don't message men much; I recently had a conversation with a guy on there about it. He says he gets very few messages. Rarely does the girl take the initiative, which is why OLD sucks for men. If I really like someone and we have a high match rating I will go out of my way to message them and ask them a question about their profile. Why do guys like and not message? There's a quickmatch button that's akin to Tinder. More girls swipe left (NO) than right (YES). For men it's a russian roulette: they'll swipe right for every girl they see in order to see which girls actaully gave them a life or a mutual like. But won't actually message you if you aren't pleasing. Then there are some that ease into the approach and admire afar and then do message you. In the end, no one TRULY knows why they like and don't message.
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I finally responded to a handful of the messages. And 3 of the six guys I was talking to just disappeared from the conversation. None of them asked me out. These were guys I had a lot in common with who had sent me intelligent messages. What gives? It's not like I was being idiotic or weird in my responses. Just normal, and I took interest in what they were saying. Like why bother initiating a message if your interest is so low that you're going to let the conversation die? I could see if I sent them the first message, but this is weird.
J21 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I'm from NYC and I've met 2 girlfriends (ex gf's now) on OKC. Been on a bunch of dates with people I didn't click with too...... so it's really a dice roll. 2
CalvinM Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I met my current girlfriend on okcupid. There are gems on there, you just have to wade through the torrential garbage to find them. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Ladies - is it even worth bothering with the much younger dudes? I'm getting messaged by some under 25 and feel like it's a waste of time. I put my cut off as 27 so I don't understand why they're messaging.
J21 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Ladies - is it even worth bothering with the much younger dudes? I'm getting messaged by some under 25 and feel like it's a waste of time. I put my cut off as 27 so I don't understand why they're messaging. If that's your cut off I think you should stick to it....... They're messaging you because "they miss 100% of the shots they don't take".
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 If that's your cut off I think you should stick to it....... They're messaging you because "they miss 100% of the shots they don't take". Gross. Haha.
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